Best Prank
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Before my Albert days I was on Wessex Helicopters on 84 Sqn in Cyprus.
In order to set the correct tension on the tail rotor cables, you need an accurate temperature measurement inside the tail section. We used a very accurate probe thing.
I was walking across the hangar and my mate called me over.
'Ere, put that under your tongue a minute' he said, which I did.
'Blimey, your body temperature is a whole degree cooler than mine, mind you, I stuck it up my arse.'
In order to set the correct tension on the tail rotor cables, you need an accurate temperature measurement inside the tail section. We used a very accurate probe thing.
I was walking across the hangar and my mate called me over.
'Ere, put that under your tongue a minute' he said, which I did.
'Blimey, your body temperature is a whole degree cooler than mine, mind you, I stuck it up my arse.'
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I have the utmost respect for an unknown member of a Wessex crew, stationed at Akrotiri in 1998.
The clever fellow managed to 'moon' into the bubble-window thingy on the side of the helicopter at exactly the same moment as 200 Air Cadets were posing - in front of said aircraft - for their camp photo.
Luckily, it was directly over the Camp Commondant's head.
Fantastic.
The clever fellow managed to 'moon' into the bubble-window thingy on the side of the helicopter at exactly the same moment as 200 Air Cadets were posing - in front of said aircraft - for their camp photo.
Luckily, it was directly over the Camp Commondant's head.
Fantastic.
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Best Guest Night Prank
When foam fire extinguishers contained two separate liquids which when mixed together made foam you could put one in the cistern and one in the bowl of a toilet. In the inevitable rush to the gents at the end of the dinner (this was before the days of the'pee break') all the urinals and stalls would be used. The first to flush the toilet would be greeted with about 20 gallons of foam.
When foam fire extinguishers contained two separate liquids which when mixed together made foam you could put one in the cistern and one in the bowl of a toilet. In the inevitable rush to the gents at the end of the dinner (this was before the days of the'pee break') all the urinals and stalls would be used. The first to flush the toilet would be greeted with about 20 gallons of foam.
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The following were used on one subaltern on one fateful Regimental Dinner night:
The front legs of his chair were sawn through, front to back, leaving about 2 mm of wood intact. On pulling the chair back, the legs remained stable but on pulling the chair underneath himself and sitting down, it collapsed. Narrowly missed putting his chin on the table.
Talc in his napkin. Oldie but goodie.
Obtained a diamond drill bit and drilled small holes in the bottom of each of his wineglasses. In order to prevent spillage he conscientiously downed the glass of wine. The mess stewards then promptly filled them. Repeat several times. Eventually someone told him to put his finger over the hole and not drink any more.
Had his main meal deep frozen and asked the chef to just 'show it to the grill'. Hence ill fated attempts to cut and eat his main course.
Decided he needed to go to the toilet. Place setting and chair removed. On return attempts to take a band members chair. No chance. A bar stool is found for him and he crouches over the end of the table. By this stage he is so inebriated, he is smiling and waving at the top table.
Leans over to one side to be sick but is spotted by the Mess Sgt who quickly whisks him out of the dining room.
Someone else does the toasts.
Next morning - a royal b0ll0cking for all. Roll the dice for extras.
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There is no spoon......
The front legs of his chair were sawn through, front to back, leaving about 2 mm of wood intact. On pulling the chair back, the legs remained stable but on pulling the chair underneath himself and sitting down, it collapsed. Narrowly missed putting his chin on the table.
Talc in his napkin. Oldie but goodie.
Obtained a diamond drill bit and drilled small holes in the bottom of each of his wineglasses. In order to prevent spillage he conscientiously downed the glass of wine. The mess stewards then promptly filled them. Repeat several times. Eventually someone told him to put his finger over the hole and not drink any more.
Had his main meal deep frozen and asked the chef to just 'show it to the grill'. Hence ill fated attempts to cut and eat his main course.
Decided he needed to go to the toilet. Place setting and chair removed. On return attempts to take a band members chair. No chance. A bar stool is found for him and he crouches over the end of the table. By this stage he is so inebriated, he is smiling and waving at the top table.
Leans over to one side to be sick but is spotted by the Mess Sgt who quickly whisks him out of the dining room.
Someone else does the toasts.
Next morning - a royal b0ll0cking for all. Roll the dice for extras.
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There is no spoon......
Guest
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How about the cavalry officer who was offered the chance on a famil flight to fire the cannons on a Nimrod. ("I didn't know the Nimrod had guns." "Highly classified - they're hidden in the wing roots.")
Much thrilled at the opportunity, the major was sat in the Co-Pilot's seat and shown the 'trigger' (a PTT switch on the control column). Elaborate Clear Range Procedures were flown and the aircraft pointed in a safe direction. After a countdown from 5, the major pulled the 'trigger'......and the Flt Eng activated the stick-shaker. One very impressed major!
Much thrilled at the opportunity, the major was sat in the Co-Pilot's seat and shown the 'trigger' (a PTT switch on the control column). Elaborate Clear Range Procedures were flown and the aircraft pointed in a safe direction. After a countdown from 5, the major pulled the 'trigger'......and the Flt Eng activated the stick-shaker. One very impressed major!
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I heard a good one from a friend of mine who was helping out with the Lineys at Benson in their Wessex days.
They used to have to go up on top to check the gearbox whilst the rotor was going. One day Joe Bloggs is doing his thing when he whips out a few sachets of Tomato Ketchup and squirts it down the canopy in front of the crew inside. He then begins to bang feverishly on the top of the airframe. The pilot ****s a brick and shuts down, double-time.
Joe Bloggs is last seen running across pan with pilot in quick pursuit, laughing his head off.
They used to have to go up on top to check the gearbox whilst the rotor was going. One day Joe Bloggs is doing his thing when he whips out a few sachets of Tomato Ketchup and squirts it down the canopy in front of the crew inside. He then begins to bang feverishly on the top of the airframe. The pilot ****s a brick and shuts down, double-time.
Joe Bloggs is last seen running across pan with pilot in quick pursuit, laughing his head off.
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During a flight over the North Sea a Dutch Lynx pilot spotted a catamaran dead in the water quite a long way from the coast. Getting closer, excitement grew because of the fact that on the catamaran a man and a woman were clearly visible making movements as if they were married. Especially forementioned pilot was hysterical with laughter and gave the couple 'the works' (couple of low passes, cooling down the lovebirds with some salty rotorwash). The couple made the international f***k-off gesture and the helo continued on its flight, at homeplate the pilot told everybody the story for about two weeks.
When everybody got bored with the bloke telling the story over and over again a letter suddenly arrived adressed to the commanding officer of the Dutch Naval Helicopter Group. Of course it was written by the colleagues who were in the same helicopter and the squadron CO was in on it. The pilot, however, was not and was summoned to the CO's office where he got to read the letter (we felt very much endangered by the behaviour of the crew of one of your helicopters, our privacy was invaded, our boat was damaged, bla bla bla) and was given a severe bollocking. He was told to write a please-excuse-me-letter and left the CO's office about ten inches less tall. After sweating on the letter for a couple of hours he bumped in to the CO who couldn't control his face anymore and they both rolled around laughing for about an hour.
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When everybody got bored with the bloke telling the story over and over again a letter suddenly arrived adressed to the commanding officer of the Dutch Naval Helicopter Group. Of course it was written by the colleagues who were in the same helicopter and the squadron CO was in on it. The pilot, however, was not and was summoned to the CO's office where he got to read the letter (we felt very much endangered by the behaviour of the crew of one of your helicopters, our privacy was invaded, our boat was damaged, bla bla bla) and was given a severe bollocking. He was told to write a please-excuse-me-letter and left the CO's office about ten inches less tall. After sweating on the letter for a couple of hours he bumped in to the CO who couldn't control his face anymore and they both rolled around laughing for about an hour.
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On the thread of dining in nights; dentist's anaesthetic gel spread generously around the rim of his/hers wine glass. Wait ten minutes and voila, one dribling Mr Vice!
Flying around the sunny Med, a Nignog crew come across a fancy yacht plus large buxom lady. Nignog returns for photos and takes registration details of yacht....Photos developed and Nignog crew, in a show of goodwill, send a copy of photos to the registered owner of the yacht. However, the wife of said owner was not very impressed!.....
Flying around the sunny Med, a Nignog crew come across a fancy yacht plus large buxom lady. Nignog returns for photos and takes registration details of yacht....Photos developed and Nignog crew, in a show of goodwill, send a copy of photos to the registered owner of the yacht. However, the wife of said owner was not very impressed!.....
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AOC's Guest Night at Waddington....
VIP toilet pre-prepared with one half of foam extinguisher in trap & other half of chemicals in cistern. AOC (very polite) flushed after use - instant explosion of foam, one very damp AOC! He thought it a jolly jape though!!
VIP toilet pre-prepared with one half of foam extinguisher in trap & other half of chemicals in cistern. AOC (very polite) flushed after use - instant explosion of foam, one very damp AOC! He thought it a jolly jape though!!
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Know of a story of a pilot a few years ago tasked with scattering the ashes of a lifelong Cambridge United fan over their ground from the hover (last wishes and all that).
After removing the lid of the urn, and tipping, he was immediately re-joined by half the contents!!
Arriving back at Oakington with bits still in his teeth Etc.,he endured the weeks of ribbing from colleagues with surprising good humour for him!!
Eventually someone asked why he was taking it so well, to which he replied,"I may have had some over my face,but I stirred a good two spoonfuls into the flight Coffee jar before I left"!!!
True story!
Regards
Murph
[This message has been edited by murphy (edited 26 January 2001).]
After removing the lid of the urn, and tipping, he was immediately re-joined by half the contents!!
Arriving back at Oakington with bits still in his teeth Etc.,he endured the weeks of ribbing from colleagues with surprising good humour for him!!
Eventually someone asked why he was taking it so well, to which he replied,"I may have had some over my face,but I stirred a good two spoonfuls into the flight Coffee jar before I left"!!!
True story!
Regards
Murph
[This message has been edited by murphy (edited 26 January 2001).]
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Navy Wessex crewmen apparently had a habit of climbing out along the fuselage in flight (after attaching the harness of course)and tapping on the cockpit window of the Squadron's newly arrived pilots.
NAP gets wind of it and obtains blank end of a crewman's harness ..... when the man knocks on the window, pilot smiles and waves the 'detached' harness clip at him ...
That rates!
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Free the world .. clear in live!!!
NAP gets wind of it and obtains blank end of a crewman's harness ..... when the man knocks on the window, pilot smiles and waves the 'detached' harness clip at him ...
That rates!
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Free the world .. clear in live!!!
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For credulous pasengers....the E-3 Rotordome Detach Check List, run before going On Station - to send the rotordome flying on its own over the surveillance area where it will report the radar picture back to the aircraft.
Followed after Off Station by the Rotordome Docking Check List, when the rotordome re-joins 'mother' accompanied by appropriate movements on the controls at the moment of 'arrival'.
So now you know the cause of (some of) those reports of flying saucers!!
Followed after Off Station by the Rotordome Docking Check List, when the rotordome re-joins 'mother' accompanied by appropriate movements on the controls at the moment of 'arrival'.
So now you know the cause of (some of) those reports of flying saucers!!
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Aaah, the Nurses home. Endless source of comfort when detached to strange parts of the country (Cornwall, St Mawgan). After entertaining the inmates from the home at the mess we took our most inebriated,(semi-conscious, member back with them and staked him out on their croquet lawn, b@ll@ck naked, apart from his cap, legs akimbo and facing the senior matron's bedroom window.
How's the frostbite coming along Bob?!
How's the frostbite coming along Bob?!
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This wind-up occurred sometime in 1993 when the Wessex was used for multi-engine helo training on 2 Sqn at Shawbury.
One of the advanced sorties involved flying the Wessex at high AUW to experience the handling characteristics. Unfortunately, one of the less capable students overtorqued one at Chetwynd and it had to be underslung back to Shawbury by Chinook. The procedure stated that somebody had to board the underslung aircraft to apply the brakes when it was placed on the ground.
A particularly gullible student was selected to be the brakeman and told that he had to be on board for the whole trip. In case the Chinook had an emergency and had to dump the load the brakeman was told to collect a parachute from stores so he could bail out. Having collected his parachute the student then waited at the edge of the main dispersal at Shawbury for the Chinook to pick him up en-route Chetwynd. The Chinook duly arrived and our hero waddled towards it wearing his 'chute. Somebody then ran out to tell him about the wind-up and indicated the rather large audience watching from every available window facing the dispersal. A very red faced student then faced the longest short walk of his life.
Ironically, he is now a Chinook pilot himself. I'm sure he remembers the incident.
One of the advanced sorties involved flying the Wessex at high AUW to experience the handling characteristics. Unfortunately, one of the less capable students overtorqued one at Chetwynd and it had to be underslung back to Shawbury by Chinook. The procedure stated that somebody had to board the underslung aircraft to apply the brakes when it was placed on the ground.
A particularly gullible student was selected to be the brakeman and told that he had to be on board for the whole trip. In case the Chinook had an emergency and had to dump the load the brakeman was told to collect a parachute from stores so he could bail out. Having collected his parachute the student then waited at the edge of the main dispersal at Shawbury for the Chinook to pick him up en-route Chetwynd. The Chinook duly arrived and our hero waddled towards it wearing his 'chute. Somebody then ran out to tell him about the wind-up and indicated the rather large audience watching from every available window facing the dispersal. A very red faced student then faced the longest short walk of his life.
Ironically, he is now a Chinook pilot himself. I'm sure he remembers the incident.