Related to me by the father of a CC member on her first day on the job. The pilot gave his usual introduction speech and introduced the new employee, encouraging the passengers to give her a hard time.

When he finished, she picked up the cabin mic and replied, "Brave words spoken by a man locked safely behind a bulletproof door."

As pax to Fuertaventura early morning with Excel. 'Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your seat belts fastened whilst we are taxi-ing, in case we hit a kerb on a turn' Same flight.'We will be taking off into wind, if you have any wind, now would be a good time, 'cos it will help us get off the ground' I'd like you to keep your seat belts loosely fastened during the cruise, just in case we have to swerve violently if we meet someone coming the other way!'