Safety Briefing
 

Thanks to a retired WestJet Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a
memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In
his own words...

"I was flying to Vancouver from Toronto this weekend, and the flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking
at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Toronto people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts
I'm sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF) Hello and welcome to WestJet Flight 438 to Vancouver. If
you're going to Vancouver, you're in the right place. If you're not going
to Vancouver, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell
you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most
important safety feature we have aboard this plane is - The Flight
Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and
one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad
idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count
the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need
arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty
blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits.
White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down
over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight
attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I
promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If
you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your
way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features
of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal
summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take
it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your
seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's pulley thing -- not
a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking
in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will
assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me
check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the
Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get
really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good
time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on
your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing
WestJet, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we
can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you
all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation,
wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING) Welcome to the Vancouver International Airport. Sorry about
the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's
fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at
the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.
So please don't even try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins
because "shift happens."

Thank you soooo much, that was hilarious!!
Capricorn1;)

It was more corny than reeeally funny. Though I must admit I've heard this last part on a Virgin Blue flight before which scored a few chuckles:

"At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.
So please don't even try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

:ok:

Oh i love it.... Im definately adding some of that into the demo PA, especially "the baggy things will drop down above your head and choose your favourite child first" :D

I often say the last bit in my landing PA "In all the years i've been flying i have never seen a pax get to the gate before the aircraft does"!

Oi, Pandora !! You could have had an early sby today if only you'd called me back last night !!! tch !
Speaking of interesting PA's...I've heard some bizarre ones from your colleagues ! Must be a BHX thing !

I'm pretty sure most CC would be fired if they really did make PAs like that (well in my company anyway as safety PAs cannot be changed lol!) however, it does make for funny reading!! :)

We used to do it all the time at ezy (about 5-6 years ago), but got a b*llocking off the CAA as it was a safety brief. That is why P.A.'s that were not allowed to be changed/added to/adlibbed were put in boxes.