Funny PAs
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Funny PAs
Hi there.
I tried looking through PPRUNE for funny in flight PA but can only come up with some lame attempts...
I have ran out of idea for taking the mick out of the cabin crew on the in flight PA. Any good ideas?
Before you all go crazy and tell me not to take the mick of the CCs, its all meant in a good way. They started it.
So any good ideas? Keep in mind the PAX are listening in as well.
Oh, and btw the CC are single crews..
In advance, thanks..
I tried looking through PPRUNE for funny in flight PA but can only come up with some lame attempts...
I have ran out of idea for taking the mick out of the cabin crew on the in flight PA. Any good ideas?
Before you all go crazy and tell me not to take the mick of the CCs, its all meant in a good way. They started it.
So any good ideas? Keep in mind the PAX are listening in as well.
Oh, and btw the CC are single crews..
In advance, thanks..
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On descent to EDI, CC picking up any last debris, the captain came on with usual info, then suggested we, the passengers, might want to congratulate one of the CC who'd just become engaged to her boyfriend. He concluded his announcement with words along the lines of "By the way, <CCname>, is it true about the strawberry yoghurt?". I'm sure I heard "b@st@rd" as she ran forward.....
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If anybody finds a pension book, would they hand it to Sue the senior stewardess - She has misplaced hers.
Would the passenger who gave the stewardess at the front the crustaceans to look after, please contact one of the cabin crew. That is would the passenger who gave Sue the crabs please make themselves known.
Would the passenger who gave the stewardess at the front the crustaceans to look after, please contact one of the cabin crew. That is would the passenger who gave Sue the crabs please make themselves known.
Last edited by beerdrinker; 24th Jun 2013 at 15:29.
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A few years ago i was on BA heading home to Glasgow , there was a group of young men up the back of the plane that obviously had some "refreshments" before and during the flight. The boys were a bit loud and had been talking to the the cc during the flight , during descent the cc gave the following PA " I would like to give a warm welcome tonight to the army officiers who have passed out from Sandhurst today !! " ( large cheers from the back of the plane) pause ... " and if they keep drinking they will be passing out tonight as well ! " (large cheers from the back of the plane again)
Not aimed at cabin crew, but:
Cathay Pacific, Aussie pilot, descending into Taipei as a tropical storm went through:
'Well, ladies and gentlemen, this really isn't working, is it? We're going to climb and then go round in circles until this lot sorts itself out. In case your wondering, loads of fuel.'
St Petersburg in a gale:
'Ladies and gentlemen, the weather tonight in St Petersburg is terrible and the weather in Helsinki is worse. Please do your seat belts up tight. Thank you for flying Finnair.'
BA, on the ground at Heathrow, distraught Italian lady hammering on the cockpit door, surrounded by cabin crew (who don't speak Italian) and Italians (who don't speak English):
'Ladies and gentlemen, there will now follow a short delay while we try to establish why this lady does not want to fly with the world's favourite air line.'
In my experience announcements taking the mick out of crew usually come over as contrived and un professional. Don't.
One exception:
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to know that was xxx's first landing as a line pilot. And better than anything I have ever managed.'
Cathay Pacific, Aussie pilot, descending into Taipei as a tropical storm went through:
'Well, ladies and gentlemen, this really isn't working, is it? We're going to climb and then go round in circles until this lot sorts itself out. In case your wondering, loads of fuel.'
St Petersburg in a gale:
'Ladies and gentlemen, the weather tonight in St Petersburg is terrible and the weather in Helsinki is worse. Please do your seat belts up tight. Thank you for flying Finnair.'
BA, on the ground at Heathrow, distraught Italian lady hammering on the cockpit door, surrounded by cabin crew (who don't speak Italian) and Italians (who don't speak English):
'Ladies and gentlemen, there will now follow a short delay while we try to establish why this lady does not want to fly with the world's favourite air line.'
In my experience announcements taking the mick out of crew usually come over as contrived and un professional. Don't.
One exception:
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to know that was xxx's first landing as a line pilot. And better than anything I have ever managed.'
Last edited by SLF3; 8th Jul 2013 at 18:38.
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Ones I've actually heard, rather than heard of
I was waiting in a line of taxying aircraft at LHR when the Air France pilot announced,
“<long sigh>, Ladees and gentlemen, Air France apologise for zees delay, it appears that us being pushed back a few minutes late mean we naw ‘ave to wait for zee entire British Airways fleet to depart before we are allowed to go”.
His overly glum tone, and acceptance of the fact he was at BA’s hub made it amusing for all on board.
I was also on an internal flight in the US, when after a fairly "positive" landing, CC adopted part of the announcmeent to,
"please take care when opening the overhead lockers, as things will have sure moved after today's landing"!!!
“<long sigh>, Ladees and gentlemen, Air France apologise for zees delay, it appears that us being pushed back a few minutes late mean we naw ‘ave to wait for zee entire British Airways fleet to depart before we are allowed to go”.
His overly glum tone, and acceptance of the fact he was at BA’s hub made it amusing for all on board.
I was also on an internal flight in the US, when after a fairly "positive" landing, CC adopted part of the announcmeent to,
"please take care when opening the overhead lockers, as things will have sure moved after today's landing"!!!
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Friday night, the end of a long week round Europe in winter I started the usual PA and had a brain fart. 132 pax treated to P1 turning to P2 with mic still pressed saying "Hang on where the bloody hell are we going this time?"
As a P2 one skipper on a similar schedule welcomed pax on board for their flight to Glasgow when we were going to Aberdeen.
Probably the best was the number one who came up front with the cabin secure report as I made a PA about being sent back to the hold due to a problem ahead and as usual she said "All tied down, chuck it at the ground!" to have her voice carried by the mic over the PA.
And many many more.............
As a P2 one skipper on a similar schedule welcomed pax on board for their flight to Glasgow when we were going to Aberdeen.
Probably the best was the number one who came up front with the cabin secure report as I made a PA about being sent back to the hold due to a problem ahead and as usual she said "All tied down, chuck it at the ground!" to have her voice carried by the mic over the PA.
And many many more.............
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I once heard a captain, going through his usual polished welcome to the passengers, get to “... and on the flight deck with me today is ......” followed by a sudden and telling silence -- during which he was no doubt hissing at the first officer “What’s your name!”, while the pax collapsed with laughter.
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various accouncements, not aimed at cabin crew
and - on landing after a go-around:
after a particularly firm landing that felt a bit "bumpy" in the cabin:
Please remain seated until the plane is parked. At no time in the history of aviation has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.
and - on landing after a go-around:
it's happy hour - get two approaches for the price of one!
Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until Capt Kangaroo has finished bouncing us all the way to the gate and the aircraft has come to a complete stop
Last edited by deptrai; 17th Jul 2013 at 12:50.
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
“Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
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Cripes, bored and only just found this site. Great way to start my day. Here's a couple; Capt on PA, sliding past JF ," Beautiful evening. Those of you on the right have a truly excellent view of New York...............those of you on the left have a truly excellent view .......of those of you on the right ! ".
Capt " Welcome on board our company's new purchase. Brand new, very highly automated aircraft. Press a button & my seat comes out. Press a button & the control column comes out. Press a button & the Stewardess comes out. Press the stewardess & my teeth come out !"
Oh, gotta be the oldest one in aviation. PA inadvertantly left on after six sectors & capt says to FO " Geeees, first I'm havin a beer then I'm goin to lay the number one CA". Number one rushes up the cabin to let the silly boys know that the PA is on but is stopped by a little ole granny near the front who exclaims; " Ease up honey, he said he was goin to have a beer first ! " .
Capt " Welcome on board our company's new purchase. Brand new, very highly automated aircraft. Press a button & my seat comes out. Press a button & the control column comes out. Press a button & the Stewardess comes out. Press the stewardess & my teeth come out !"
Oh, gotta be the oldest one in aviation. PA inadvertantly left on after six sectors & capt says to FO " Geeees, first I'm havin a beer then I'm goin to lay the number one CA". Number one rushes up the cabin to let the silly boys know that the PA is on but is stopped by a little ole granny near the front who exclaims; " Ease up honey, he said he was goin to have a beer first ! " .
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BA overnight flight, LHR - SIN sector of trip to Perth. On arrival at Singapore "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Heathrow."
Another BA flight, this time SIN - LHR. This time the Captain srode purposefully through the gate two large boxes of orchids in one hand, flight bag in the other and apparently looking straight ahead but in actual fact darting glances around and weighing up the nights passengers. Once on board the cabin crew had little opportunity to make the usual welcome announcements as Captain S boomed out "Ladies and gentlemen welcome etc. We will shortly be taking off in COMPLETELY the wrong direction (consternation from those not in the know, suppressed giggles from those who were) before turning right over XYZ and heading for London. En route we WILL encounter turbulence so keep your seatbelts fastened. This must have been one of the very few flights when we didn't - the turbulence had obviously been warned not to upset his flight. Various other bits and pieces followed culminating in "Now, put down your newspapers and pay attention to the cabin crew and the safety demonstration it is essential for your safety. I always pay attention as it helps me remember what I am supposed to be doing" - or words to that effect. Enjoy your well earned retirement Captain S, your love of flying was apparent to all on that flight and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Another BA flight, this time SIN - LHR. This time the Captain srode purposefully through the gate two large boxes of orchids in one hand, flight bag in the other and apparently looking straight ahead but in actual fact darting glances around and weighing up the nights passengers. Once on board the cabin crew had little opportunity to make the usual welcome announcements as Captain S boomed out "Ladies and gentlemen welcome etc. We will shortly be taking off in COMPLETELY the wrong direction (consternation from those not in the know, suppressed giggles from those who were) before turning right over XYZ and heading for London. En route we WILL encounter turbulence so keep your seatbelts fastened. This must have been one of the very few flights when we didn't - the turbulence had obviously been warned not to upset his flight. Various other bits and pieces followed culminating in "Now, put down your newspapers and pay attention to the cabin crew and the safety demonstration it is essential for your safety. I always pay attention as it helps me remember what I am supposed to be doing" - or words to that effect. Enjoy your well earned retirement Captain S, your love of flying was apparent to all on that flight and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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Wombat, this is ticklish stuff & a new,happy way to start my day. Thanks. By the way, heard this myself at LHR when I was a lowly FO with BA; American accent on the R/T.........." Ground, Yankee 85 Charlie request start for London." Reply from cool control, " Well, you can if you want but it's only just down the road" , Cousin retorts....." God damn it, thought I was in Frankfurt ! " !
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I used to introduce the cabin crew as Lola, Emanuelle and Fifi. Most of the male attendants didn't mind.
My most embarrassing anouncement was many years ago when I was quite new. The captain who was a great joker looked at me as I began. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your first officer speaking and I would also like to welcome......." and at that point I collapsed in fits of laughter.
I looked at the captain. Nothing.
So I began again.
Didn't get any further.
So I began again. Didn't even get as far third time.
So I tried again. This time I started to lose it already at 'gentlemen'.
When the stewardess popped her head into the the cockpit all she saw was me a gibbering wreck, tears of laughter in my eyes and clutching my aching stomach and the captain, sitting motionless, staring at me, totally blank faced.
He didn't have to do or say anything. Just the waiting for him to do something, anything, to put me off, cracked me up completely.
My most embarrassing anouncement was many years ago when I was quite new. The captain who was a great joker looked at me as I began. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your first officer speaking and I would also like to welcome......." and at that point I collapsed in fits of laughter.
I looked at the captain. Nothing.
So I began again.
Didn't get any further.
So I began again. Didn't even get as far third time.
So I tried again. This time I started to lose it already at 'gentlemen'.
When the stewardess popped her head into the the cockpit all she saw was me a gibbering wreck, tears of laughter in my eyes and clutching my aching stomach and the captain, sitting motionless, staring at me, totally blank faced.
He didn't have to do or say anything. Just the waiting for him to do something, anything, to put me off, cracked me up completely.
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Soon after Virgin Blue began in Oz, the cabin crews were obviously intent on showing how out of fashion the Qantas outfit was by using the pre-flight announcements as a form of entertainment.
On one particular flight the male attendant introduced the female crew as 'from the rear of the aircraft we have Sandy, Mandy and Brandy. And I'm Randy".
When explaining the lifejackets 'placed for no particular reason under your seat, you'll find that they have a light that is totally useless in daytime and a whistle for attracting sharks'.
There were slight variations on this theme that only lasted a few weeks...perhaps the 'powers that be' had decided enough was enough. Most passengers I thought were amused, but I guess the subject matter is one not to be made light of even if 90% of passengers take no notice anyway.
On one particular flight the male attendant introduced the female crew as 'from the rear of the aircraft we have Sandy, Mandy and Brandy. And I'm Randy".
When explaining the lifejackets 'placed for no particular reason under your seat, you'll find that they have a light that is totally useless in daytime and a whistle for attracting sharks'.
There were slight variations on this theme that only lasted a few weeks...perhaps the 'powers that be' had decided enough was enough. Most passengers I thought were amused, but I guess the subject matter is one not to be made light of even if 90% of passengers take no notice anyway.
Never ever look at the other flight crew member during a PA. Chances are they've written something rude in the scratchpad. This happened to me and I got the giggles mid stream which no amount of coughing or excuse me's could hide.
I now look firmly out of the window when doing PAs.
I now look firmly out of the window when doing PAs.
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Heard on a BA flight from LHR to TXL shortly after takeoff: "This is a non-smoking flight. Any passenger found smoking will be asked to leave the aircraft immediately."
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On one particular flight the male attendant introduced the female crew as 'from the rear of the aircraft we have Sandy, Mandy and Brandy. And I'm Randy".
When explaining the lifejackets 'placed for no particular reason under your seat, you'll find that they have a light that is totally useless in daytime and a whistle for attracting sharks'.
When explaining the lifejackets 'placed for no particular reason under your seat, you'll find that they have a light that is totally useless in daytime and a whistle for attracting sharks'.