Have to credit the back page of TRANSMIT for this one.

"Unidentified airfield with C152 circling overhead, identify yourself"

Allegedly heard on Guard :D :D

Some years ago I aquired a copy of "Not Airway XMAS 1988". Enjoy the
following extract....
------
Quips of the year
A selection of R/T phrases you have loved.
Section one : THEM

"Was that for us, London?" OR "Say Again, London" OR Deafening Silence followed by either of the previous.
This is an ever-popular entry, which shows no sign of ever falling into
disuse. Usually heard at peak traffic periods, or whenever repetition of a
message would be least convenient.

"That was a bit close, London"
This well-worn favourite is usually delivered by the Captain, in a clear,
well-controlled monotone, betraying no hint of vexaction. However, careful
listeners will be able to detect background details, such as the First
Officer screaming "F**king Hell", fainting hostesses and passengers
complaining about the noise made by the passing aircraft.

"Bit bumpy at (insert your choice of flight level here) London, any chance of
(ditto)."
Another tried and tested chestnut, usually employed by crews on fuel-bonus
payments. It isn't bumpy at all, and they all know they've got more chance of
seeing tits on a billiard ball than their requested level, but still they try.
Don'tcha just love 'em?

"Bit of a build-up ahead, London. Direct destination would take us nicely
around it".
This one is almost beneath contempt. The meteorological phenomenon which
dictates that thunderheads always occur on the "standard" route and never on
"direct" routeings is a constant source of amazement to ordinary mortals.

"Can we keep the speed up, London?"
Usually heard from the last in a stream of eitht aircraft which you have just
cleared to Eastwood to hold. The temptation to make a witty rejoinder such as
"Don't be such a f**kwit" should be resisted.

"Any delays likely, London?"
See above

"Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is Captain Twatt welcoming you
aboard Dangerous Airways flight number sixty nine (followed by fourteen minutes
discourse on the weather at destination, the meal in first-class and the
sexual preferences of the galley hostesses)".
Every controller's dream, this one. The incorrect selection of cabin address
on an airways frequency is one of the few things that make this job
worthwhile, simply because you do not have to say anything at all to point out
the error of the offending captain's ways. The other aircraft on frequency
will gleefully sieze on his mistake and leave him in no doubt as to their
opinions. And if you are fortunate enough to have one of the less-inhibited
American airlines with you, you may hear the immortal phrase "Captain Twatt,
you are a **nt".

"Err, London, can you just confirm our routeing after Brookhams Park?"
This one always occurs just after you have given the aircraft (always
American, usually military) an enormous five-minute spiel, and he has managed
to read back a complete anagram of airways, fixes and co-ordinates, bearing no
resemblance to reality. The approved response is that, due to exhaustion on
your part, confirmation of said routeing will be available next frequency.

"This heading would put us nicely onto the localiser for two-six left,
London".
A thinly-disguised threat to carry out an unauthorized straight-in approach.
Easily discouraged by imparting the information that Gatwick have just changed
to zero-eight right.

"Hello London, any chance of three-three-zero direct Deauville?"
(Britannia Airways catchphrase). No, f**k off.

-----

Section two : US
"Air Algerie Two Zero Five Four, where the f**k are you going?"
Self-explanatory.

"Aeroflot One Six Five None, do you have a mouth full of gravel?"
An honest attempt to discover why the captain sounds as if his mouth is full
of gravel.

"Varig Seven Five Nine, are you aware of the Ockham hold?"
A little bit ambiguous - it could be taken to mean "Are you aware that there
IS an Ockhmam hold?" or "Do you know what the pattern is?" or even "I am
pleased to inform you that, due to your inability to understand my
instructions, you have just had seven airmisses. Congratulations." Under
normal circumstances, however, all three of the above will apply.

"Speedbird Seven Six One, can you give me a good rate of climb through flight
level one five zero?"
I have made a horrible balls-up of the whole thing and unless you go ballistic
for the next ninety seconds, you will crash into a lot of other aeroplanes.

"Speedbird Seven Six One, increase rate of climb"
You lied to me, you bastard.

"Speedbird Seven Six One, confirm your type IS a seven five seven"
The only way out of this unholy ****-up is to blame it on incorrect flight
plan information.
------

Mik

ATC to Big aircraft from Big airline after landing: "Be advised sir that you were slightly to the left of the localiser all the way down the approach."

Big aircraft: "I know. My first officer was slightly to the right"

VERY flustered Aerodrome controller during a busy burst at a secondary control zone tower:

ABC you're number seven - follow the fu**ing Cherokee mid-downwind.

Said Cherokee, a couple of minutes later, having received a landing clearance, "by the way Tower, we're just an ordinary Cherokee". :p

A classic one to an American military pilot told me by a colleague:

ATC; (a/c callsign) "resume your own navigation direct to Mildenhall, your QDM is 310"

A/C "aahh, we don`t carry that equipment sir"

Happened to me recently...

ATC: XXXXX, go around 11 with right turn out to the new control tower.

ME (puzzled): Er, we’re unfamiliar with NEW control tower.

ATC: It’s the big tall building on your right with the air traffic controllers in it.

ME: Go around 11 with right turn out to the ten-year-old control tower, XXXXX.

[ 13 October 2001: Message edited by: Mister Gash ]

Another classic:

Twr: ABCD say your height?
ABCD: Your height!

Twr: ABCD say your heading?
ABCD: Your heading!

Twr: ABCD say IFR plan cancelled
ABCD: FL60, heading 200, ABCD

=====

And another...

Twr: EFGH, Say your height and position?
EFGH: 6'2" and in the cockpit!

They`re all coming out now aren`t they?

"What`s your endurance?"

"Sun-Life of Canada"

Heard at EGHH some years ago, a Lear with gear trouble elects to land gear up, now on short finals:-

Mr cool “I’m shutting down the electrics now so no more RT, not that I’m worried about a fire, I just don’t want you guy’s to have to listen to the screams !!”

Fly high else you'll hit summit!

One from a long time ago before the days of squawk codes.

A USAF C54 inbound to UK contacts an RAF radar station and is asked to "make you canary (IFF) sing"

Long pause then MATS says " we don't have a canary but we have a bird colonel on board if he's any use to you".

Pilot asking for a level for the 3rd time..
pilot...requesting FL370
me...do you have a TCAS?
pilot...yep
me...you tell me if you can have that level then...
pilot...maintaining FL330

My worst.....Just on the RET calling ground...

[me] "Ground g'day, [callsign] just pulling off"
[my face] RED

Dohhhh :o

DH82 visiting busy int'l airport for photo op with QANTAS 747 (many years ago)

ATC...XXX number 2 behind 727 5 miles your 12 o'clock. Maintain separation.

Amsterdam Radar "UK** stop climb level 210 for noise abatement"

UK Bloke "Confirm stop climb FL210 for *noise*?"

AMS Radar " Yesh Shir there is an aircraft above and you'll make a big noish when you hit"

Late evening ABZ, shortly before airfield closed for the day:- "F***ing DanAir 123 fully established R/W 18"
Tower: "Say again callsign"
"F****ing Dan Air 123"
"Phone ATC please after arrival"
" OK. Please listen to your ATIS before I call"
Loud and clear in background of ATIS recording "When's that f****ing Dan Air 123 going to arrive so we can all go home"

Remember reading this somewhere from ATC to concorde heading into JFK.

ATC: "ah can you descend 20,000 feet in the next 18 miles."

Speedbird xx: (in very cultured English voice) "dare say I could old boy but I couldn't bring the aircraft with me." :D

ATC: FlightcraftXXXX(727) right hand 360 for spacing behind a Cherokee 3 miles final.

727: Do you know it costs $2000 dollars to do a 360 in this aeroplane?

ATC: Roger then give me $4000 dollars worth!

ATC to Varig as it busts its level on departure......

"Varig123, what level are you climbing to?"

"Any level you like, sir"

And the following rumoured to have been heard on Thames Radar.....

"N123AB descend to 3,000ft, the QNH is 1013mb"

"N123AB can we have that in inches please"

"N123AB descend to 36,000 inches, the QNH is 1013mb"

:)

WF

Have to admit to this myself, chancing pilot cleared to FL190 and wanting to keep a continuous climb...

CS XYZ "approaching FL190"

I observe on radar a/c passing FL153 and without even thinking press the TX switch and say

"CS XYZ you lieing b***ard" (Was in a particularly bad mood that day.)

My Co-ordinator says "you transmited that"

I am just replying no i didn't when...

CS XYZ " my apologies you're quite right now passing FL160"

phew!!!! nothing more said :eek:

After good, careful vectoring by an ATC officer onto the ILS:

Me "Thanks for a great turn-on"

Two seconds later, my face turns a subtle shade of red

:o

Dohh!