This is your Captain speaking

[BlueWolf]

This may be apoc...apochr.....apocrro....made up stuff, and it may have appeared here before in various guises, but it's hillarious nonetheless, and since it was forwarded to me, I felt like sharing it.

Cheers

BW




Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.




************************

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!"



Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that US Air 2771?"



"Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded.



Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

******************************


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down, San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able...If not, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


*****************************


Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



****************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."
Easter 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the end of the runway."



Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"



Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."



*************************


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.



They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 is clear of active runway."



Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha one-seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.



Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?



Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."



Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206: (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop!"





************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.....I've got the little Fokker in sight."



************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:



Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"



Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."



Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"



Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[Captain Gadget]

Scene: Hannover airport, bored Albert crew waiting for bus containing Army schoolchildren returning to UK at the end of the holidays. BA B737 parked next to us had arrived before Lufthansa B737 and had been trying, unsuccessfully, to get start clearance for at least 20 minutes.

Lufthansa B737 calls for start clearance and gets it first time.

BA B737: Hannover Ground, Speedbird 123, we arrived before Lufthansa 234 and are still waiting for start clearance. Confirm callsign cleared to start?

Lufthansa: Lufthansa 234, start. Sorry Speedbird, ve haf put our towels on ze runway!

Gadget :mad:

[soddim]

Enjoyed the banter above - there must be a wealth of these around. Try this one from a young female RAF fighter controller to a stroppy Lightning pilot when Gata Radar took over control from Nicosia Centre during the Turkish invasion in 1974:

"Shut up or I'll hit you with a 707!"

[MarkD]

soddim - check "humour" sticky in ATC forum

[farefield]

I heard one about a Lufthansa pilot complaining about the ride,and when asked about the intensity of the turbulence,replied,

"I'ts so bumpy my First Officer can't get his fork in his mouth!"

ATC says to American guy in the vicinity,

"How's the ride where you are, ****?"

Guy replies

"Don't know we ain't had dinner yet!"

[Magic Mushroom]

A few other entertaining comms stories...

Scene: A busy Heathrow airport. A Lufthansa 747 has requested a delay to it's push back time. Eventually, Ground ask what the delay is...

'Ground, Lufthansa 123, we seem to be missing one of our passengers.'

Unidentified Brit voice pipes up on the freq...

'Have you checked your ovens?'

++++++++++++++++++++++

In another incident, a BA crew requested what the delay was for his own pushback...

'BA 123, Ground, we're waiting for a Virgin with a tight slot!'

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scene: Over Afghanistan in Oct 2001 during initial attacks against Taleban and AlQ. A Brit AWACS controller tasks a B-52 to check out a route...

AWACS Controller:
'Cadillac 24, Spartan...request you recce the road between lat long xxx and lat/long yyyy.'

B-52:
'Roger that Sir...'

About 10 mins later.

B-52:
'Spartan, Cadillac 24, I've wrecked the road between lat long xxx and lat long yyy, but still have one JDAM left. Do you have any other targets for me?'

Stunned silence all around on board the E-3D!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

Thankfully, no one was hurt. However, the road needed a few repairs afterwards!!

Regards,
M2

[brit bus driver]

Plagiarised this from another thread.........

"Speedbird 24, for noise abatement, turn left 15 degrees."

"Centre, Speedbird 24 presently established at FL350; confirm the turn is for noise abatement?"

"Affirm sir; helluva noise when two 747s collide."

**************************************************

PA Broadcasts.....on flight from Mount Pleasant to Brize, just prior to descent.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we shall shortly be arriving at RAF Brize Norton, where the weather is blah, blah, blah, and for those females amongst you, you're now officially ugly again!"

**************************************************

:p

[KPax]

Whilst trying to get a rotary student to acknowledge certain instructions during a 'speechless' approach, fed up controller says the following 'Speechless1 if you are receiving my instructions nod your head'. Think about it.;)

[Art Field]

Tornado pilot having just taken off from Marham, "Tower there is a dead bird on the runway".

Tanker captain quick as a flash, "Whats she like?".

[BEagle]

Back when lady pilots were still a relative novelty to some, a visiting Finningley Wetdream called for taxy at the Secret Oxfordshire Airbase:

"Ground, xxxxx, request taxy"

"Roger, xxxxx, clear taxy for RW26. Err....will you require the full length?" (With much tittering in the background)

"No thanks. I don't need it....... Neither does the aeroplane!"

Good girl!! Aircrew 1, ATC 0. But no doubt nowadays the EO fun detectors would frown on such playful banter.

[West Coast]

Female controller: "xxxx is my transmission fuzzy?"

Pilot: "I dont know, I would have to check closely"

[Spur Lash]

Female Rotary pilot on QHTI course a couple of years ago. Using QHTI c/s, the following words were spoken:

"Leuchars Twr, Parker"

Pause, 2,3.

"Yes, M'Lady"

100% gen.

[Jimlad]

Parents flying back from Corsica today on some random charter airline. As they clear france and enter UK airspace the Captain comes on the PA and says, "well ladies & gents we're back over the UK having cleared enemy airspace...!"

[hirsute]

Centuries ago, whilst taxying a Transmeridian Conroy CL-44 Guppy (look it up in the history books) for take off at JFK, on Ground freq:

"United 123 cleared on the Inner to 22 R, follow the Transmeridian.........say, Transmeridian, what is that airplane?"

Me: "Its a CL-44 Guppy"

Ground: "Right.......United 123 follow the fish"

[MarkD]

Is Airbus's SuperGuppy still flying? I know they have an A300 on steroids now.

[PA-28]

It came into Hawarden behind me about a year back, they call it a Beluga rather than a Guppy, but it's the same thing really. The A380 SuperJumbo wings will be too big for the plane so they will be shipped out by sea.

Link (About half way down) :-
http://www.vcn.bc.ca/~rgsmith/rgs-egnr.html

PA-28

[JimNich]

CONTACT IN! LEFT O'CLOCK!

[ShyTorque]

Was it at Waddington where the female ATCO was heard to say: "I'll lose you shortly as you enter my dark area"? :D

[soddim]

It was a female controller at West Freugh one night who caused RT silence as 5xF4s held to get night weapon drops in Luce Bay:

"We are still busy but I'm going to bend over backwards to get you all in"

[Flatus Veteranus]

"Shy Torque"

Yes. >30 years ago. :D

[Pilot Pacifier]

A Chinook with a female pilot was waiting to land at Banja Luka when a Blackhawk appeared on the scene. The following radio call left us stunned: “Blackhawk approaching Banja Luka, let me land first or I will blow you away…”:eek:

[Oggin Aviator]

CVS Flightdeck. Sea King ASW late off, Flyco has now got Wings breathing down his neck (obviously a jet launch in about 3 hours time!). Impatiently gets on telebrief to find out the delay ....

Flyco: 2 Spot, Flyco, whats the hold-up?

Female Pinger Observer: 2 Spot will have an answer in a few minutes - I've got a pinky coming to fiddle with my box.

Oggin

[Buitenzorg]

United 747 taxiing for take-off, Shorts 360 on final approach, crummy weather, female tower controller.

TWR: "United XYZ, hold short."

XYZ: "United XYZ is ready for immediate take-off."

TWR: "Hold on there, big fella... Just let me get my Shorts down and I'll get you right off!"

[Soulman]

Not too sure how genuine this was, but I was once told a story of a 'conversation' between an airline pilot and a young trainee pilot. Comes from the States:

A young Cessna pilot was clocking up hours toward his Private Licence and one such day he was told to hold short of the active, due to a DC-10 on short finals. Being a young and eager pilot, he watched with anticipation as the DC-10 came roaring in, really hard and heavy, slamming down with a large puff of smoke. It left the active and taxiied back past the Cessna who was moving out onto the runway. The First Officer on the DC-10 perked up and remarked to the Cessna Pilot "That's a nice little plane you've got there. Did you build it all by yourself?" The young Cessna pilot, eager to impress, replied with "No, but another landing like that one of yours, and I'll have all the parts to build another one!"

Cheers,

Souls.

[Wee Jock]

Trainee controller working very hard:

"Traffic in your twelve o'clock believed to be a...er...er...an aircraft."



:) :) :)