Ascoteers Multiple Choice

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Time for a little light relief, I'll get it started


1. Which is the fastest car in the world?

a) McLaren F1
b) Ferrari F40
c) Lambourghini
d) A Hire Car


2. You arrive at your luxurious hotel to find that your crate of beer is lukewarm. Do you...

a) E - Cat the ALM
b) Phone room service for ice and chuck it in the bath
c) Put it in the mini-bar after removing all the contents
d) Put the beer in the bidet with the cold tap running until all the labels soak off, blocking the bidet and flooding the bathroom/room/entire floor of the hotel


3. A bad olive appears to have upset your tummy and on returning to your hotel room, you vomit over the TV. Do you...

a) Phone the manager, apologise and agree a small settlement
b) Wipe it down as best you can with tissues
c) Hide the TV in the wardrobe
d) Take the TV into the shower with you to clean it, and then drop the TV, destroying it and smashing the toilet


One for the Ground Engineers:-
4. During a refuel in the States, you manage to vent fuel all over the dispersal and are presented with a $1000.00 bill for the clean up. Do you...

a) Phone the Captain and let him sort it out
b) Phone the Co-pilot to bring the imprest
c) Phone the Embassy
d) Pay the bill out of your own pocket but get a receipt for $2000.00


Got the idea? Join in everyone!

(Notice that 'd' is always the correct answer)
(Also notice that you can disguise a true story in your contribution)

[jack_k]

Your aircraft stops over at Akrotiri to refuel and collect some more passengers. There a limited time on the ground. Do you:

A. Remain on board the aircraft to continue flight prep
B. Arrange a roster to allow some of the crew to get to the Terminal Duty Free shop.
C. Kiss off the Duty Free shop, there will many other stops at Cyprus
D. Make sure the entire crew, including trolley-dollies, hog the Duty Free Shop for the entire time thus preventing the mainly army passengers who have been fighting in Iraq from purchasing as much as a soft drink combined with ignoring the growing frustrations of the troops whose opinion of the RAF is collapsing through the floor.

[Duplo]

Another sad thread chaps, you two do the Group 2 world no end of good! It's a shame, 'cos there really are some good people working out there who actually care about their customers - but of course that'll never feature here looks like.

And I thought your little world was getting so much better!

[Lionel Lion]

On arrival at the hotel does the co-pilot:

a. Arrange for the imprest to be left in the hotel safe deposit box
b. Place the imprest in the hotel room safe, whilst being protected by the other crewmembers until it is secure
c. Leave it in his nav bag on the aircraft
d. Get changed in a rush, shove a few extra $100 bills in his pocket for later on in the club, stash the rest in his unlocked samsonite, get drunk, hand out the cash liberally to the crew in the club/strip joint, and all crewmembers agree they'll sign for it in the morning, then denying they were ever in the club on the first sector of the day, before agreeing on the second sector that they possibly were, but could never have spent that much cash.:8

[BEagle]

It’s been another typical screw up. You’re just putting on your second sock before another 0-dark hundred departure when the hotel phone goes and the GE tells you that the incoming flight which you’re supposed to be flying back on a max crew duty day once it’s been turned hasn’t even landed yet. As it takes rather longer than a RyanAir 20 minute turnround to service our museum pieces, you and your hundred grunts are obviously not going to be able to get back as planned as you’ll be well out of CDT. Do you:

a. Phone Ar$ecoat Ops and say “Do what you’re paid for and give us a clue about a revised itinerary”

b. Say “They’re only grunts, they can sleep on the floor whilst we have another night out on the pi$$”.

c. Say “CDT is for weenies - we'll just press”

d. Come up with a cunning plan, get another chum to check it, then ring Ar$ecoat and get them to agree. Then get another ‘ching’ from the co-pilot, go out for a couple of beers and then leave the next day at a sensible time rather than the daft time Ar$ecoat originally planned.

Whereas you might go for option d, (hopefully), the difficulty comes in explaining yourself to the Chief Grunt when, contrary to what the movers had assured you, they haven’t been back to their barracks but have indeed had to sleep on the floor -and he thinks that you deliberately went for option b! Of course what should have happened is that Ar$ecoat Ops should have noted the departure message from the delayed ac, then issued a revised itinerary based upon a feasible departure time and their plethora of rules, not just dropped the problem on the captain 10 hours later when it was too late! Who, when rung them, still had the flight coming out on the original departure time before the delayed ac landed - clearly impossible! Option c., sorry Army chums, just is not acceptable - unless there are clear operational imperatives, all the crew agree to it and the extension is within the rules......

Ever since this happened to me, on that particular itinerary I took to working out the latest possible time when I could ring CartoonTown International to get an unfiltered estimate of the inbound ETA so that I could, if necessary, inform the crew of the delay before they started Crew Rest Period - and so that we could get our pax home with the minimum delay!

Ascoteers in the main work pretty hard to get the job done - even though you may not be aware of what goes on. But I sympathise with the mate who found the Akrotiri DF shop filled with flight crew when there were 100+ passengers on their way home from Iraq waiting to be served! Of course we used to be allowed to nip up the back stairs near the feeder and get a quick bottle that way - but Plod has stopped that.....

[Duplo]

You are such a sad bunch of people. I hope the journo's get hold of this, then the rest of your truckie mates can thank you for it. Like I said, there are some really good people in your world, you three have missed the boat completely.

Keep up the good work...!

[StopStart]

Duplo, I'm a trucky. I would post some witty repartee but I fear it would be greeted with another depressing post from you.

Notwithstanding the lightheartedness with which the first post was made you have failed to detect the irony in some of the subsequent posts.
jack_k - whom I assume to be army - was having a dig at the treatment of pax whilst beagle was having a dig at the oft useless system that we truckies work for.

Take a pill mate :zzz:

[Duplo]

Will take your advice StopStart.......pill swallowed. Keep living it up boys and girls out there in Ascot land.

[jack_k]

I am RAF and much to my eternal shame I kept as quiet as possible and hid in the corner of the terminal with a book to read

[Training Risky]

That wouldn't be a Jack Kxxxxxxxx on the Marlin, would it?

[Jackonicko]

I've flown with Ascoteers many times, often on the flight deck, and their sheer professionalism, punchiness and obvious calibre has always filled me with respect. (It's hard to believe that the ME stream doesn't get the best from FTS, judging by these blokes!). The average Lyneham Loadie is also worthy of great praise, since most of them present a superb ad for the calibre and quality of NCO aircrew. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe they only let journos fly with a handful of crews, but I seriously doubt it.

They do a great job, in often difficult circumstances, and this thread demonstrates that they can do it while retaining a sense of humour, and without taking themselves too seriously.

The remark about calibre has nothing to do with StopStart's girth and propensity for pie-munching......

[StopStart]

jack_k - my most grovellingest apologies for that appalling slur upon your good name :oh:

Jacko, as you well know, it's pies that make our aircraft go ;)

:p

[Helmut Visorcover]

Jacko, as usual, I feel humble in your company. Thanks for pointing out the obvious to your tabloid reading bretheren as I feel they might not have got the sketch without you pointing it out.

Q. What the f *** do you do? (The obvious springs to mind but I'd not like to think you wouldn't lower yourself to wearing a CWFJ with a cr ap load of badges on it whilst carrying a note book).

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You start a tongue-in-cheek thread on Pprune hoping to raise a few titters but it ends up as another slanging match, even putting the willies up the venerable StopStart. Do you...

a) Respectfully request that non-Ascoteers desist
b) Sit back and watch the flak
c) Cease Ppruning forthwith
d) Put it down to jealousy and press on regardless



Here's a golden oldie...

You wake up in a foreign land in a strange room. You are naked. All your clothes are missing. You vaguely remember a beautiful maiden. Do you...

a) Try to contact the Embassy
b) Wrap yourself in a sheet and make the best of a bad situation
c) Cry yourself to sleep and hope it will all go away
d) Take a revenge crap in the bed, then look up to see a puzzled maiden standing in the doorway with all your clothes laundered, pressed and folded.


keep on truckin'

[Pilgrim101]

Sir Peter's....

More hangovers and good times to the lot of you truckies out there ! And that's from me, yes me, the one you lost enroute in early February 1991 from Dubai to Bahrain to Riyadh to Al Jubayl resulting in a really boring 36 hour stopover at "Romper's Green" near the Sheraton in Riyadh (I assume you lot were staying in the Sheraton as befits your station?)

Anyhow, thanks for letting me up into first class and stick my head up into that little glass bubble up top - do you still navigate that way ?


:ok: :ok: :E

[Chris Kebab]

I seem to recall they were slumming it the Riyadh Marriott having claimed that the toilets in the compound they had been put in didn't work!

[mr ripley]

Arrive with 65 pax at hot destination without RAFLO. Co briefs what HM will and will not pay for. Do pax:

a) Have a good night, turn up on time, having paid for any extras on hotel bills thus ensuring no delay for co-pilot who has turned up to pay for bill 1 hr before departure.

b) Have a good night, turn up on time, a few squaddies forgetting the brief about the minibar but put right by the CSM, depart on time.

c) Have a good night, turn up late, a few squaddies use the minibar a few watch some films but are sorted by the CSM, depart a few mins late.

d) Have a miserable time, turn up late, squaddies remember the brief, JOs claim did not hear the brief, watch films, order wine with the meals, drink mininbar dry, claim to have no personal money at all, CSM apologises, company commander couldn't care less, depart to aircraft 30 mins late, aircraft broken. With +12 hours difference to base, base offers to send parts and fixers on next available departure from LHR, guaranteeing at least 24/48 more hours in location. Despite no reciprocal engineering agreement crew organises local users of similar type to fly up parts within 3 hrs, gets dispensation for engineering fix (flying controls/independents) and are underway in short order.

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Mr R,
I gather from your post you have done the Kabul run:yuk: Matters not what you tell them you can bet your bottom dollar some fu:mad: :mad: er with a plum in his gob and some variation on "pips" will have confirmed "d" as the correct answer.


However you arrive in Cyprus and it's dark-o-clock and outside normal working hours, you are tired and hungry after a sleep depriving Oh my god it's early start from wiltshire......are you:-

a...bussed to a mess where there is a happy chef waiting to prepare you an apetising hot meal after a couple of long legs via "queer places"

b...expecting to arrive and find the DAMO and his staff have their finger on the pulse, a change to CSI's reveals a change of heart on the beancounter front which allows the issue of some cash in leiu of a missed meal and the bars on the strip sre still open

c...relieved to find a never ending "q" of friendly and talkative taxi drivers waiting outside the various strip locations at "last orders"
waiting patiently to take you back to block 101

d...expecting that the "Bono" aircraft, the fu:mad: :mad: ing strimmers,cleaners and all the other asscoiated white noise that only Akroneli seems capable of generating is going to keep you up and therefore seek solice in at least two slabs of Keo from VAHS

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You have started to gain a few pounds due to the Ascot lifestyle. You should...

a) Do nothing - the wife won't mind - there's just more of you to love
b) Take up jogging immediately
c) Start dieting, after all chips are vegetables
d) Stop eating on the ground

[Albert on Tour]

Your load from 'Queer Place' is 50 PAX and a flask marked 'BIO HAZARD' Destination Porton Down. What should you do?

a) Check your life insurance.
b) Report sick.
c) Suggest taking the PAX or the flask, but not both.
d) Make representations at the highest level and get relieved of your duties.

[EESDL]

Despite the plan being treated with incredulality(!) by the Int Branch and the fact that the pax have just killed their airport rep and are known mad dirty arabs.....You've just been ordered to fly a 'dumb' aircraft into Kabul/Baggers, pick up these fine chappies and take them on their Haj, do you:

A. Forget about the fact that you're unarmed, security checks will be a lottery and that your insurance will not pay out for acts of terrorism (subsequent BOI will probably blame the aircrew anyway), fly a ridiculous crew duty day, thank your lucky stars that your masters are looking after your every whim and have 'covered all the bases' and deliver the rag-heads with a smile.

B. State that the world has gone mad, 'phone the missus - bid her goodbye (apologising for all the tat in the attic) and fly the mission, insisting that you're armed up to the teeth.

C. Look to your Boss for support, watch as his authority is totally usurped then join the queue at the PVR tent.

Finally,
D. Thank GOD or Allah that you weren't put in that position in the first place and that you were quite content to do continuous 'nights' in Ops and that the signal from HQ stating that they were content to lose a couple of aircraft (occupants aswell I guess) as an op risk for the sake of PR, was probably a forgery.

The above event was, of course, was untrue.

[Carbide Finger]

Sitting on Sector 23 at Swanwick having just issued a clearance to an Ascot off EGDL with a string of crossed out P times do you:

a) expect that the A/C will be airborne soon

b) expect to have to vector an old Herc round the skies just so that it stands a chance of reaching the standing agreement

c) expect to have a phone call from APP to cancel the clearance due to the A/C going tech

d) resign yourself that it wont get airborne until it can get in the way of all the Bristol and Cardiff Inbounds and then tangle with the TMA Inbounds and still not be able to make the standing agreement

[Hertzsprung Russell]

For some strange reason you turn right instead of left when exiting the en suite bathroom in your luxury 5-star hotel room and end up naked in the corridor locked out of your room at 0330. Do you:

A. Sleep in the corridor.

B. Knock on a fellow crew member's door and sleep in his spare bed.

C. Use a fellow crew member's room phone to call reception for assistance.

D. Grab the corridor fire extinguisher, hold it in front of you and creep down to the reception desk to get a spare key whilst an entire civvy flight and cabin crew arrives to check-in behind you at the desk. :uhoh:

[gashcan]

I took the escape tunnel from Rompers Green in 1991 after 9 fantastic years on both sides of the airfield.

It looks as if absolutely nothing has changed - keep on trucking boys.....(and girls!)

[Pilgrim101]

Gashcan,

There was an escape tunnel ? My oppos and I were "overlooked" for a day and a half or so at RG and just about tolerated a repugnant, shorta**$% little balding "senior officer" who was also in "sick (sic?) transit Gloria" and thought he owned the place !

We trooped off up North feeling very bad tempered and maybe that was part of the Pschology ? Doubt it, he was an insufferable prat and although he didn't recognise it at the time he was displaying all the symptoms of a death wish. I understand one of his colleagues read his bumps for him before things, including him, got really uglier.

If there's any justice he now runs an hotel in Babbacombe with his vindictive boyfriend.

Surprising, because everybody else there was just brilliant and the scran was A1.

[Albert on Tour]

EESDL - Your Haj story was reported in the newspapers back home, it wouldn't have been a very good PR job if it hadn't been! I take it that you witnessed a few last will & testaments that night. PS. What is Arabic for 'Oi you! Stop crapping in the urinal!'

Pilgrim - I have read and re-read your post and I am none the wiser.



You are staging through Akrotiri on the way home with a DAC load and some passengers. Strong headwinds will mean a fuel stop in Italy or France on the way home. It is Bank Holiday weekend and you cannot get diplomatic clearance to arrange that flag stop.

a) Send your PAX to the block/messes and have a couple of days in a hotel down Limmassol, waiting for dip clearance (or the winds to change)

b) Offload the PAX and their bags so that you can make it home in a 'one-er'

c) Get airborne and then feign and emergency and divert to Nice for fuel.

d) er....perhaps you could help us out here Duplo

[Dunhovrin]

Flying a military 8 - prop that used to measure waypoint times in days...You are off to Knypoz to try and dry the beast out. But you need to make the Akgroteri window of 1500 shutdown (so the local RAF mob can get down to Arabs before the APC mates). Do you:

a. Make representations to STC to get the dump to stay open an extra 60 minutes once every two months.

b. Nightstop Brindisi and so have a early, but not unreasonably so, start the next day.

c. Land at a French airbase for a v. early start but that's OK 'cos you landed early

d. Flag Nice because your francophile **** of a boss has friends there, even though you get less than min rest after putting the ac to bed, the hotel is next to an autoroute and you have to start-up and taxi before the airport opens so as to make Akkers by three.

Right I'm on a roll now...Sorry to hijack a good Ascoteers thread (is there a good Ascoteer?). Anyway..

The punters love the sound of 4 Griffons giving it large so the squadron puts on a display routine. Do you:

a. Do the high-speed pass (180 kt) into wind and the low-speed (140) downwind meaning any sort of wind down the display line and there's no difference.

b. Spend 3 1/2 hrs each way going to/from Mildenhall's IAT '89 two days on the trot because you can't land as you have no spare brake units and the aircraft has to be towed to and from the runway.

c. Spend any time that you do get at airshows explaining that no this is your real job.

d. All of the above.

God I hated Shackletons.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

...they don't bother me

But they seem to have given you Tourettes Spontaneous Backslash Syndrome

[BEagle]

Ahhhhhhh - Shacklebombers.....

Went for a trip in a Mark 3 Phase 3 from HMP Kinloss in 1969. We bounced a Noggie trawler at about 250ft in the cold, black, wet night; poor bug.ger was rolling from gunwale to gunwale! Could still hear the engines 2 days later. No H&S in those days....

Got a trip back from Lossie to Leuchars 12 years later in an AEW. Dreadful thing - it would have been quicker to have walked... But amusing as it went boing......boing.....boing all the way down the runway.

But they were useful in filling gaps in the radar horizon. Was Bear-chasing once in the '10 when a Shack picked up the contact way on the beam. We scuttled over to intercept it and nabbed the Tovarichi on their way home. Got some good piccies as well!

I once was asked by a Signaller in a Shack to relay an Ops Normal back to Fishfleet HQ - "Position this, estimate that, ETA Lossie....etc etc" We read it back and added "Was that ETA...today?"

[StopStart]

Right then.
None of the following ever happened.
Nor should it.
These are all figments of my overactive imagination.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a few days in the sun in some distant, beer soaked sunny place you are tasked to return home, empty, with a nightstop in a godforsaken, snowswept, screechingly tragic place. Half an hour after departure a series of dramatic incidents results in you landing, on 3 engines, back at the sunny place. Crew Duty is tight. Could this be another nightstop? The GE is confident he can fix the snag in double time and get you on your way that day.

Do you:

a) Encourage him to work as fast as possible to get you on your way

b) Volunteer crew members and yourself to assist with the removing of panels and various other engineering tasks to help him out.

c) Recheck all your planning figures and refile flight plans so that as soon as he's done you are ready to go

or

d) Loaf about in the air conditioned crew room watching the GE working like a mentalist in the blazing heat. Congratulate him (through clenched teeth) on completing the task and trudge slowly out to the aircraft in the hope that crew duty will expire. Leap with joy when the ever resourceful loadmaster then announces that the inflight catering has not been kept at the appropriate temperature for the last hour or so and that, in accordance with the clearly published regulations, he must re-cater before flying again. This will take ages. Suggest a 24 hr delay to help him. He and everyone else agrees that that is probably a good idea. Repair to hotel bar.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst on a very brief detachment to an American/NATO airbase you and your crew (and everybody else for that fact) experience a rather major earthquake.

Do you:

a) Join the large burly marine types walking up and down the road sobbing about, er, the ground moving somewhat.

b) Find a vehicle with a flashing light on and charge about up and down the road for no apparent reason with all the other vehicles with flashing lights?

c) Rush about seeing what help you can offer to all the people who haven’t been injured.

or

d) Realise, that with all the power off i) all the beer is going to go cold and ii) all the frozen inflight rations are going to defrost and that the immediate solution is to vacate the now fractured building for a large barbeque and booze up. Invite passing sobbing marines to join you however they turn down the offer assuming that you must either all be in shock or be British or something.
When the Class Six later opens for “emergency supplies” proceed there directly; note the yanks purchasing duct tape, candles, torches, matches, signal flares and survival blankets. Note that your trolley appears to be stacked only with beer…. Turn down the subsequent offer of Post Traumatic Earthquake Counselling Sessions.

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Whilst sweeping a pair of F3 aluminium pursuit ships across the states you are diverted into a quiet Colorado town as both jets have gone u/s there. Upon arrival it transpires that the spare part required to fix the sickest jet is in the back of your aircraft fitted to a spare engine. The engineers get to work:

Do you:

a) Watch as the part is removed from the engine, fitted to the sick jet and you then saddle up and get on your way with the minimum delay.

b) Watch as the part is removed from the engine and fitted to the sick jet. There is then a period of testing and paperwork required so a brief nightstop is required.

c) Watch as the part is removed from the engine and fitted to the sick jet. There is then a period of testing and paperwork required so a brief nightstop is required. A few minor technical snags delay the departure the next day but you all eventually get on your way just within crew duty.

d) Watch as the JENGO is told that he can’t remove the required bit from the serviceable engine because that will mean that engine will then be unserviceable and that will ruin all the stats back in the UK. Watch as UK says the part will be AOG’d out and you’ll be away within the next 24. Note that it’s Thursday. Part arrives in Los Angeles late on the Friday. It’s a military part so has to be Customs checked. No customs over the weekend. Spend the weekend staggering about Colorado. Part is eventually customs cleared late on Monday. Handlers say that it’s on it’s way to you.
Tuesday, nothing appears. Series of phonecalls reveals that the part is going by road. Expect it the next day. Nothing appears the next day. More phonecalls. Transpires that part has gone by road……to Nellis. Note that you are not in Nellis. Next day (1 week later now) UK agrees part can be robbed from engine that has been sat in the back of your aircraft, 20 metres from the unserviceable jet for the last 7 days. With the end in sight and the jets now serviceable, you almost die laughing when the movers phone to tell you that they’ve punctured the aircraft skin with the forklift whilst reloading your aircraft………

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I’m sure there’s more out there waiting to be made up………………
:E

[attackattackattack]

Moving 150 Edinburgh based soldiers from the Athens of the North to the green damp place across the water, do you:

a) Lay on something large and comfortable to fly the boys from Turnhouse to Aldergrove?

b) Lay on a few noisy uncomfortable things to fly the boys from Turnhouse to Aldergrove?

c) Insist on a 5.00 am report time at Lyneham to board a few noisy uncomfortable things - thereby necessitating a ghastly overnight coach journey, no sleep and more aggro between the Light Blue and the green?

or

d) Insist on a 5.00 am report time at Lyneham to board a few noisy uncomfortable things - thereby necessitating a ghastly overnight coach journey, no sleep and more aggro between the Light Blue and the green .... and then land at Edinburgh on the way past (never did find out why). Approximately 650 miles travelled in 24 hours for a net gain of 6 miles.

[Albert on Tour]

Lets hope that someone from @rsecot ops is reading these posts, as its mostly their fault.

How’s about some RAF Regt chaps who are PAX from Kabul, slipping (twice) through to Lyneham, approx 21 hours on Albert (25 hrs chock to chock) then a coach ride from Lyneham to Catterick!!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I'm going to drip feed this thread until you lot cheer up and stop bickering.


This one from a Navigator chum of mine.


In the cruise @ 24000' with one engine shut down due to prop low oil light. A second engine has fluctuating RPM which you can't fix. Do you...

a) Relight the shut down engine to avoid a 2 engine situation

b) Carry on and hope for the best

c) Find the nearest available diversion with suitable crash cat, runway length, etc

d) Get the rate sheet out and select a diversion for the best night out!

[Art Field]

You are at a USAF base in the deep south for an airshow and your hosts have laid on some beer by a swimming pool. There are various other aircrews with you including the Blue Angels. the tannoy announces a Tornado Alert, do you:-

1. Follow the lead of the Blue Angels who do a rapid formation departure.

2. Hang on a bit because you have never seen a Tornado for real.

3. Dive in the pool

4. Carry on drinking the beer and take only a passing interest in this black whirly thing noisily going by a few hundred feet away.

[Dan Winterland]

Its 43 degrees C outside and you are about to depart a foreign s:mad: hole for somwhere much nicer. You line up on the excuse for a rumway with a very impatient local operator in his Russian built deathtrap champing at the bit behind you. As you advance the thottles, the Take Off Configuration Warning sounds. Do you:

a) retard the throttles, come to a clear the runway, taxy back to the ramp and investigate the problem risking being stuck in the s:mad: hole?

b) retard the throttles, clear the runway, investigate the problem from within the cockpit thus claiming another lunch allowance?

c) have a quick scan around the cockpit to see if you can see what caused the warning to trip, then press?

d) press?

[BEagle]

Definitely option b!

Then recycle flaps, slats, speedbrakes and TPI and try again. If the TOCW test is OK, it's probably a fault with the 'interrupter' unit - the thing that makes the horn go 'beep - beep - beep'. Can also be set off if the cabin alt warning input is tits. I know this because I once aborted at 90 KIAS for a TOCW warning once during a 93% FTOT t/o (when the throttles are NOT inside the inhibited range). We came to a halt and discovered that 7 other crews had experienced this snag - but not one had bothered to snag it. W*NKERS!!!! 'twas indeed the cabin alt warning circuit which was causing the spurious fault warning!

[FEBA]

Its B with the addition of pull the appropriate cb
(Any BA guys here remember Box B payments?)

[Specaircrew]

Albert on Tour


Yes, there is indeed someone from @rsecoat ops reading this and having secured my escape chit I'll be in touch with your desk officer recommending you as my replacement !!!!! You're just the sort of ill informed tw@t who might actually learn something from endless 12hr shifts trying to get a quart out of a pint pot!

[BEagle]

How did you manage to tunnel out, Speccers? And where are you going next??

[Albert on Tour]

Oooooh, somebody's tired!


PS. You cannot get a quart out of a pint pot. As long as you keep trying you'll make @rses out the lot of us.

[T_Handle]

After a very long night stop in the states containing several small ales, a disco or two, and then a club with ladies dancing round a pole...... stagger back to your hotel and fall comatosed on the bed naked.

On hearing the hotel fire alarm at 0430 do you.........

a. Get up, check for smoke, get dressed to survive the midwest winter night and proceed outside via the stairs to the marshalling point to head count the rest of your crew and think how this may affect your crw duty time..

b. Wake up in a panic thinking where am I? Rush around pull some clothes on and rush out to the carpark.

c. Wake up with a headache, and think which tw@t set the alarm off pi55ed. Slowly think about pulling your flying suit on and eventually find your way out after waiting ages for the lift.

d. Wake up with a headache that would have killed a civilian! Not know where you are.... after some thought realise that it is so noisey you must be in Block 101 and the alarm is really a strimmer! Bury your head under the pillow and hope it goes away.... only to be woken up by two big firemen with hats and axes who insist you wrap your naked body in the sheet as they escourt you outside, where you sit and freeze your bo11ocks off for the next hour in sub-arctic conditions!!!!!!!!

T

[BEagle]

After some deft telephoning, you have manged to convince Ar$ecoat that the place where you're due to attend a static display wants you to come a day early. This you duly do, then, knowing that you have the next day off, you and your crew go out on the pi$$..........

At some god-forsaken early hour, the duty Ar$ecoat bloke rings you to let you know that the small tropical depression which was due to pass 200 miles away has had a change of mind. It's now a hurricane and it's due in a couple of hours. He wants to know what you intend to do about it. Do you:

a. Answer the phone, say "Tell it to f*ck off - and you with it!"

b. Attempt to wake up a skeleton crew, find your groundcrew and arrange taxis to the airport 45 minutes away so that you can bravely fly off somewhere else whilst totally $hit-faced.

c. Ring the airport, get a second opinion regarding the approaching hurricane, tell them that there isn't a hope in hell of getting away before the hurricane arrives but would they please lash the chocks in place and clear loose articles away from the vicinity of the aeroplane. Then hope for the best, roll over and go back to sleep.

d. Watch the palm trees whizzing past the hotel window. Then go down to the basement and play bingo whilst the hotel band plays the only tune it knows!


Well, that was Bermuda and we went for option c followed by option d. But the next day we found that the ac had been for a little walk on its own and had slight cosmetic damage to a pod impeller and a scratch on a slat section. The good news was that it meant an extra lunch whilst the groundcrew checked the ac! As insurance from the armchair theorists we took back a copy of the met man's bollocksed up chart and a copy of that day's newspaper stating that the little tropical depression was going to pass well south of the island and 'slight breezes may be noticed'! Then on to Sacremento, Hawaii and back via El Paso and Pease.

But no-one ever suggested that we should have done anything differently - and the boss thought it was hilarious!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You had a fantastic night out in Verona, finishing up with a swim in the fountains. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous, possibly due to a bad anchovy. Do you…

a) Puke in the bin

b) Puke in your suitcase

c) Puke in the bed

d) Stagger naked into the bathroom, sit on the edge of the bath, puke in the bidet and simultaneously cr@p in your soggy shoes which you had thown in the bath...which you try to keep quiet about, but you have a room mate (me)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You are delayed 24 hours in Verona and you only brought one pair of shoes.....:bored:

[BEagle]

You are a well-known tight ar$e with the same pair of decrepit trainers which you've been wearing for the past 10 years - and the Plimsole Liberation Army decides to liberate them...... So it's flying boots with civvies time for the next couple of stops!

..and we actually gave him the damn things back when he was posted to Staneval - he probably still wears them!

[Dan Winterland]

You're in the cruise across the pond having just crossed the iso-dollar line when you realise that if you land 15 minutes early you can claim an extra lunch allowance. Do you:

a) Stay at long range cruise?

b) Consider increasing the cruising speed to M0.88 thus making the 'lunch critical landing' , but discount the idea as being unethical bordering on the fraudulent?

c) Consider increasing the cruising speed to M0.88 thus making the 'lunch critical landing', but discount the idea as being an appalling waste of taxpayer's money?

d) Open them up?

[Art Field]

Beagle, if as I suspect, the trainers in question were attached to a one time co-pilot of mine then ten years is a gross under estimate, they were disgusting in 1987.

You are in a taxi in Singapore wearing a brand new shiny copy Rolex. Your Taxi driver thinks its real and offers you multi Singapore dollars' do you

1. Accept the offer and get off at the next corner.

2. Accept the offer and go buy many more and keep booking taxis.

3. Have a slight twinge of conscience but still sell.

4. Act completely out of character, refuse to sell, shamble off in your trainers and then tell everyone what a good boy you have been.

[Albert on Tour]

Young, female, invited to the flight deck:

'What do all these knobs do?'

a) er...

b) um....

c) er.....

d) Drink tea, mostly


Okay, I know its an old one

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I know there are a lot of Ascoteers surfing Pprune and having a chuckle, but give us a hand will you? I don't know how long I can get away with digging out another tale before the thread drops off the page. Don't leave it to the half dozen of us to keep this alive!

Or if you think its all puerile rubbish then say so folks!


Okay. You (a C130K crew) are sharing Block 101 with a C130J crew. You are the only witness to the J Co-Pilot urinating into the K Captain's hat (who is a not very popular sqn exec). Bearing in mind that you might get the blame, should you...

a) Sing like a canary

b) Deny everything Baldrick

c) Suggest that it may have been a bondu cat

d) Deny everything initially, then a year or so later, leak the story to Pprune :}


I'm off downroute for a few days so look after this thread chaps.

[Specaircrew]

You're passing through hotel reception on the way to your crew transport when your very worried looking co-pilot informs you that one of the hotel staff has 'stolen' some of the imprest money! Do you:

a. Believe your co-pilot and demand an explanation from the manager.

b. Call the local police and let them deal with it.


c. Interrogate the co-pilot and ascertain that he handed over the cash (in an unsealed envelope) to the receptionist 'for safe keeping' the night before and that the amount missing was spookily exactly the same as a days allowances!

[country calls]

You are flying Blairforce 1(30) up to a mountainous states capital for one of his famous photo ops, and the wife of the esteemed politician has to get changed from comfy bunk sitting clothes to meet the press with Tone clothes do you:

a) all face your respective panels and shy away from a peek?

b) apologise for the lack of suitable facilities and hold a coat round her?

c) apologise profusely and offer every coat in the free western world?

d) realise no amount of apologising is ever going to repair the damage done when Cherry spots the GEs having a good old scrutinise of her 'big pants'

[Follow Me Through]

Had this once with a fairly inexperienced crew heading across pond on Albert. Crew were having this discussion whilst trying to keep the discussion out of earshot of old and wrinkly STANEVAL Nav who had jumped the operating nav. Whilst ageing Nav was down the back, supposedly knowing nothing, Captain decreed that it would be too obvious with him on board and a waste of fuel/engine life etc. STANEVAL Nav returns and snatches log sheet from operating nav and writes in the landing time to make lunch(still 5 hours out) stating "now we can just get there in our own time - just make the rest of the times fit!". Bloody funny.

[BEagle]

Arty - not sure, could well have been.

But then your co-pilots didn't really need shoes - because, like Douglas Bader, they had no operating legs......:D

Hope Uncle Al gave you my regards the other day after we had an impromptu TTF reunion in the Woolgate.

[Art Field]

Indeed he did Beagle, sorry I missed it. I know I must of had a strange effect on co-pilots, two became QFI's but two found it all too much and gave up flying altogether. Which reminds me of the joy of the first crew I was given on a certain squadron and took to an USAF base in the UK. In the bar the co-pilot was lying in the doorway looking up ladies skirts, the engineer was doing a strip to his very skimpy underpants and insulting a load of USAF pilots. Their OC says the guys are about to take the engineer apart, do you :-

1. Deny all knowledge of them both.

2. Take them back to their beds.

3. Take them back to their beds again five minutes later.

4. Take them back to their beds again again and lock the b******* in their room and not dare to go back to the bar.

Ah the pleasures of captaincy.

[BEagle]

Hmmm - sounds like Dave Bow-wow and Wally W..........

Best move - tell the Spams that it's our country and they can poke off!

[Dunhovrin]

So you're back in France again with your air-defending 8-prop for another exercise you -a francophile **** of a sqn cdr have jacked up. On landing at L'Orient you find that the dispersal for your wreck is too narrow to turn in and surrounded by trees. The French are quite happy for you to leave the beast on the taxiway TFN. Do you:

a. Leave the beast on the taxiway TFN.

b. Shut down on the taxiway, unload and get the gingerbeers to tow the monster in tail-first when they can find a tug.

c. Taxi nose-in and get a tug to pull it out tomorrow .

d. Taxi nose-in then start trying a 180 with the outboard wing chopping through the scrub. Stop when the ginger on the tip discovers a lighting stantion hidden about 5' up-turn of the #4. Shout at the engineers to move it. Shut down when they say they can't - it's a pole sir. Start unloading then notice the tilt on the aircraft because you're off the concrete and are on soggy tarmac which is sinking under the RH wheel. Shout at the engineers to pull it out with the tug that has now arrived (within 5 minutes). They can't, so get then to try and jerk it out. Knacker the French tug and damage the tail wheel oleo. Leave it looking like an abandoned wreck and head off to the hotel where you shout at everyone.

[Descend to What Height?!?]

Returning to UK from an island somewhere in the North Atlantic, the Nav is being route checked prior to returning to the secret airbase in Wiltshire. Pre start the heavens dicide to open, and the loadie grabs a jacket to try and keep dry. On coming inside the aircraft, he is maxed out as are problems, and frantically looks for somewhere to hang now vert wet coat. He hangs it on the only hook he spies, the nose U/C emergency release on the port wall of the forward cargo bay.
On take off, captain finds nose U/C will not retract. Nav now going Ape sh1t, as his flight plan now worthless, and thinks its the checker pulling a fast one to make him calculate a low level wheels down return to old Blighty
Do you:

a) Spot the problem and inform the Captain, dropping the Loadie in it;
b) Play dumb, and wait and see if any one else spots the raincoat has operated the handle;
c) Tell the loadie that in exchange for a few bottles of your favourate malt, you have some "news" for him that will solve the problem;
d) As c, but keep the joke going for as long as possible making the Nav think the checker has done this deliberately, just to make his last trip on this unique Albert "memorable" given his legendary time keeping skills!

[RubiC Cube]

You are on a no notice flyer to Akrotiri. On landing you are told by the GEs that you need 3 engines changed and they will take at least 3 days. There's no room in the Mess, so you retire to a decent hotel downtown. After a boozy night out, the captain suggests a toga party in the lift. Relatively early the next morning, the GEs call to say it was all a mistake and take off is in about 3 hours. On arrival at Akrotiri, you are jumped by the route checkers who are not in a very good mood because they were kept awake all night by a lot of noise in the hotel lift. Do you:

a. Apologise and hope they won't hold it against you.

b. Report sick and hope the Doc will ground you for 24 hours.

c. Take 3 Ibruprofen, 2 pints of water, and eat a greasy bacon sandwich and hope for the best.

d. As c, but fall asleep 10 minutes into the cruise after being sick because of turbulence encountered during the climb.

[Albert on Tour]

country calls

Welcome to Pprune, no need to be quite so cryptic, it was after all a photo opportunity. (The visit to Bagram, not Cherie's @rse...blimey there's thought!) Maybe some of the other work that you do will have to remain a secret until the book deal though!

I heard that there was a little mischief with the passports too - do tell.


Albert (ill-informed tw@t)

[6nandneutral]

You observe your rather ageing Captain walking along the beach with one flip-flop in his hand. You ask him why he has one flip-flop. He replies.
a. I've lost the other one.
b. I'm tidying up the beach.
c. I thought it was yours.
d. No I've just found one and I'm now looking for the other one.:D

[deltahotel]

Good to see nothing has changed.

Early hours of New Years Day in Cyprus, etd about 0300 ish. The ALM and F/E turn up having seen in the New Year. The ALM is (commendably) sober, the F/E less so. Do you:

a. Inform the slip controller and take your crew out of the slip pattern.

b. Swop F/E with another crew.

c. Place the F/E under arrest.

d. Press, in the hope that F/E can do his bit sufficiently far into the climb so that you and the co can take over his panel while he sleeps for 6 hours?

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Similar story, differant time of year, remove FE, insert Belgian Exchange pilot:D However he was a top geezer:cool:

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Chris Kebab]

"a top geezer"

Shouldn't that be "Un Premiere Garcon" or something similar?

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

ABIW - How long ago were you on the C130 Klassic, I might be able to narrow it down, although I think I know who you're on about. First initial B or V?

I thought we were accomplished, but boy can those Belgians drink!

I did 4 weeks in Africa with a Belgian exchange Captain (V) and he authorised crew goatee beards. Good egg, Bon Oeuf.

[galaxy flyer]

Here's the situation:

At bus time, there is no sign of one of your co-pilots, who happens to be the squadron commander. The hotel clerk says he was found drunk last night in front of the hotel. Do you:

a/ Send the crew to the base and say, "he'll catch up soon enough."

2/ Check with the local Turkish gendarmes, if they have a missing, incoherent Colonel.

III/ Get the hotel to open his room where you find a rather ratty and naked senior officer.

Now, with him at the base, do you:

a/ Call the local wing commander and have your Boss (and required pilot) breathtested as he is obviously still "under the weather."

2/ Hide him from the Base Ops people and hustle out to the plane and stuff him in the bunkroom.

III/ Swear the crew to secrecy, hoping for a good fitness report and all will be forgotten.

GF

[nav attacking]

Always Broken

Wouldn't happen to be the same Belgian exchange officer who:

a. Cursed those f:mad:g germans for stealing his grandmothers bycycle and never giving it back over 50 yrs ago and wouldn't go any where near them during a low-level tactical exchange at Evereaux.

b. On the official parade in Evreaux almost spat at the German contingent as they marched smartly past with their standard.

c. After same parade decided it would be agood idea to climb the german flag pole steal said flag and burn it in the hotel that evening only to be stopped by a rather pissed ex staneval Sqn Ldr.

d. Tell said Sqn Ldr from different sqn to f:mad:k off whilst v pissed just because he wants you to get some rest but you want to carry on playing pool in the hotel foyer, still wearing growbag. The mitigating circumstances are that you are having a great time chatting up the new barmaid who is now serving full tumblers of the local firewater after you and a rather smooth talking (pissed again) nav have convinced her that they are singles.

For those who knew this particular exchange officer the answer is of course a,b,c, and d. Apologies if it is not the same exchange officer, they are all the same.

[Zoom]

You're a spotty-faced 18 year old with 2 A-levels, half a dozen GCSEs and zero potential. You apply to join the RAF/RN/Army as a last resort but are rejected. Do you:

a. Take it on the chin and look for a different career.

b. Tell your family that you are upset but will get over it.

c. Tell your mates that the Services '...will have to do without me ha ha ha!'

d. Get your dad to peddle the line to TV/radio/newspapers that the RAF/RN/Army '...rejected my son, a genius student, because he isn't from the right school and he doesn't have a posh accent but they will soon find out what they are missing and I served in the Services myself, you know...'

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

SPHL and Nav Attack,
The only Belgians I had the pleasure of flying with were Vince and Elwood and loads of fun it was.

In the good old Gulf Sched days of a week of Kokineli followed by a week looking at cheap leather I fondly remeber Elwood placing a couple of bottles of "Wodka", into which he had stuffed a liberal helping of fresh chilli's, into the freezer as our post flight "pairofteef". So after an overnight haul down to Al's place and back not only are you now hanging out of your ar@e so to speak but a mad "bl@@dy foreigner" wants you to drink neat chilli vodka till your eyes bleed :ok:

Those were the days:O

al spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[BEagle]

Zoom - join anything 'as a last resort' and don't be surprised if you're told to sling your hook!!

Exchange Officers - wonderful fun. When Concorde was doing some CT at Brize, it was always worth asking the tame Spam "Have you lot got many of those?". But the best was with the FAF exchange pilot Roger Ricard at Brawdy. Doing cine weave (sorry, truckies, this is pointy head stuff) he once said "Non, non, powairrr erpp, powairrr erpp" when I was doing that "Track, track, throttle back, roll, airbrake, power" thing trying to stabilise my sight piccie in range behind the mate in the other Hunter. Well, that's what I thought he said - until he took control and said "Merde alors, what you do. I say power erff!". There's a fair bit of difference between 'Power UP' and 'Power OFF' when spoken in English; in Franglais through a P-mask and impressive moustache there isn't! You could always tell when it was lunchtime - the crewroom went IMC with garlic! He'd never accept the usual Bloggs' offer of instant coffee post-flight - he'd say "Non - but if you 'ave a leetle red wine?". So after my end of course trip at TWU, that's precisely what he got! Slugged it back out of sight of the other staff pilots and then went flying again. Great guy!!

[Zoom]

You're right, Beagle, so imagine my surprise when my first nav told me that he joined '...because I'd done a bit of this and that and then thought I'd try the RAF because I needed the money'. At the time, I was still living in the fluffy world of believing that you only committed to the Services if that was all that you had ever wanted to do. Poor, simple me; I wised up after that.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

At the nightclub, your Co-Pilot whispers to you that he has pulled a good looking girl...but she won't go back with him unless you babysit her older, larger friend.

a) Tell him to get lost

b) Run away sharpish

c) Babysit as requested, for an agreed fee

d) Accompany the older, larger lady with the intention of behaving yourself, but end up sh@gging til dawn. At breakfast you discover that the Co-Pilot and his good looking girl spent all night chatting.

[average pilot]

You see a thread on PPRUNE all about ascoteers telling "Party Room " stories of when they woz "down route" do you

1. Tell your "when I woz down route" story.

2. Give up half way through because you can't be arsed.

3.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You are feeling down in the dumps and can't be arsed because...

a) You haven't got any decent stories because you haven't enough crew members to fill a taxi, let alone a table in the Polis

b) You have reached your 'bottomless' budget with a bump as the money goes to the C130 Klassic Mk3A and not your lovely C130 J (Sorry, wrong thread)

c) Lyneham is closing and you've just spent your retention bonus on a stable block for your wife's horses

d) All of the above

Cheer up. Perhaps you are happier with the threads on this forum driven by Spotters, Newsrepeaters, Wannabees, Victor Meldrews and Mad Cretins.

I believe StopStart recommends Happy Pills

:}

[timzsta]

You are the most senior of a group of Junior RN non flying officers whose SHAR squadron is trooping from Brize to the Med to join their CVS for a major exercise in Mid east. Brize accomodation is full so squadron will spend the night before flight in a trooping base about 20 mins from Brize Norton.

On arrival you are informed that Officers, NCO's and ratings will all share the same accomodation overnight, two 60 man rooms with bunk beds, mattresses no thicker than 1 inch, negative pillows, 2 showers for 120 men and women. On seeing spartan state of accomodation fellow JO's turn to you for leadership and guidance.

Do you
a) Go in search of nearest clip board weelding RAF NCO and demand proper accomodation be found for the Officers.
b) Phone CO on his mobile, explain lack of suitable accomodation for Officers and get authorisation to use Squadron credit card to pay for B&B in town.
c) Tell fellow JO its life in a blue suit, the parlous accomodation will suffice for one night, and it will help develop "character".
d) Decide to take fellow JO's for curry run and beers in nearby town on the basis that when we return they will be inebriated as much as to no longer care about state of accomodation. At 2330 return in taxi, through different entrance from that which Pussers transport delivered you in. Stumble upon back entrance to what appears to be Officers mess. Find a number of rooms unoccupied at rear of mess, bedding sufficient, showers ample. Send Sub Lt Holdover to retrieve overnight bags. Sleep in Officers mess. Awake fellow JO's at 0500 in time for breakfast. Order them to remake the beds as they were found, hospital corners and all, leave Officers mess, switch off lights, not leaving a shred of evidence behind (not so much as a pubic hair in the showers). Proceed to breakfast and bus to Brize, enjoy 2hrs 30 flying time onboard one of RAFs finest. When asked the next day by Squadron Reggie where you were the last night, you tell him you got taxis and went for a night on the lash in Oxford, hence the slightly dishelved appearance and flatulence that morning.

The perfect crime.

[FFP]

You`ve just finished a sim and it`s 6 o clock. You checked your programme on the computer at 2 o clock and your free the next day. There was talk of putting another sim on early in the morning but nothing definite. Half way home you realise that you forgot to check the computer after work. Do you

a) Turn round to check the programme for any last minute changes ?

b) Think " Someone would ring me if it had changed "

c) Go into work tomorrow, knowing that if you didn`t go, then it most definitely would have changed ?

d) Stay at home tomorrow, knowing that if you did go in, then it most definitely wouldn`t have changed ?

[Albert on Tour]

Lunchtime at the pool in the Ajax Hotel (Saga Holiday Hotspot) the Captain claims that he was pickpocketted the previous night in the Step Inn or the Triangle. All the crew drew £80 from the imprest, everyone has £60+ leftover except the Captain who has nothing.

Donning your deerstalker and lighting your pipe, you consider the clues.

1. The Captain was holding the kitty
2. The crew all paid £10 in for starters
3. You partied for 10 hours last night
4. An alcopop in the Triangle costs £3.00
5. There were no further kitty injects

Do you

a) Complain to the relevant authorities about pickpocket activities in the Limassol tourist end.

b) Offer sympathy and buy him a hair of the dog pint of shandy

c) Gently inform the Captain that he mixed the kitty money with his own cash, and suggest a post-party kitty inject to reimburse your Captain

d) Keep schtum because

i) He still insists that he was pickpocketted
ii) He has to learn from his own mistakes
iii) It'll cost you a tenner
iv) It will serve him right for all those stupid cocktails he ordered without consulting the crew:yuk:

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You are tasked with setting up a Forward Base for resupplying the ISAF Brit contingent in Kabul. Do you choose...

a) Bahrain

b) Dubai

c) Muscat

d) Karachi, Pakistan. In a derelict 'hotel' where the e-coli (raw sewage) count in the water is 1000 times the permitted level and you are advised to keep your eyes shut in the shower...which fills up with the contents of your toilet when you flush. Where malaria and dysentry are rife. Where suicide bombers are active and have publicly annonunced your presence as their main target, but go for the softer target of some French ex-pats. Where the security guards are paid about a quid a day, supplemented by money from blackmail, drugs and prostitution...and are insufficiently trained to be allowed live ammo. Where home made mortar bombs fly over the site when you are sat in the pool (the only saving grace)...until the pool man accidentally back flushes the filter contents back into the pool, making it unfit for use. Using an airfield which flight path takes you close to a large refugee camp full of, wait for it, Afghanistanis who have fled over the border. Where the airport security guards relentlessly question you about your take off time, POB, destination etc. (very suspicious) Where your destination base, Kabul, is safer than your operating base. Where you have to wear long trousers to avoid offending the locals..whereas they think nothing of crapping in the streets. Where your Belgian, Greek and Portugese colleages are on $50 a day UN pay and you are on a few quid LSSA and a phonecard. (And the Greeks aren't flying having been shot at)

And where the overall cost of your stay is more than that at a), b) or c)

[Mr C Hinecap]

Oh. LoveChild. You are remembering the bad bad times. those lovely routes you used to do - along with those nicer places you've hit - would never seem so good without the poo. What am I talking about??? Leave the dry states to the pongos and let us get back poolside!

You are on a trail recovery from the good ole US of A. You have made it all the way to the flesh pots of the biggest air base in the world, Florida (corrected by USAF dullard - no, sir - the biggest air base in the Universe!) You made it - the other C-130 has not even left Blighty yet! Hooray! What happens next? Is it:

a) You go on a 2 day bender waiting for the other kite to arrive.

b) You split the and kit and load your aircraft, THEN go on a 2 day bender, waiting for the other kite to arrive.

c) You load your aircraft, prep the load for the other aircraft, THEN go on a 2 day bender, waiting for the other kite to arrive.

d) Ascot say "Not bl00dy likely sunshine. Do the trail with one C-130. Get yer ar$es home!" You then achieve the impossible, get nearly 2 loads & extra pax in one frame home, which then gets frigged AGAIN at Larges when the VC10 sheds a panel and the Tonkas get home alone, while you pack even MORE in the C-130. After compressing a 2 day bender into 12 hrs! AND the Captain nearly ends up in clink!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Nearly forgot the most important bit....

d) continued...and at this time, India and Pakistan are threatening to go to war. Well known and published analysis states that any war will involve India destroying Pakistans main port, that is, a first strike, possibly nuclear, on KARACHI. And another thing, (more importantly) the Army that are running the place only allow the self run bar to be open for a couple of hours in the evening. Seeing as you take off at dusk, every night, you are unable to enjoy a relaxing beer, made all the worse as you brought the bonded store over in the first place.

Correction to previous post - The Greeks stopped flying because the Belgians got shot at.


Yes Mr Hinechap, bad, bad times, but a month or so before we had a spot of luck. Not sure if it works as a multi-choice but here goes.


India and Pakistan are threatening nuclear war and you need to be able to evacuate British Nationals and Embassy staff at short notice. You have some Hercs operating in a third country nearby. Do you...

a) Inform the taskers that you may need to be on standby for short notice work over the other side of the Indian Ocean

b) Request diplomatic permission to base a couple of extra Hercs over the previously agreed amount on detachment to cater for this

c) Jump the gun and try to sneak in a couple of extra Hercs without anyone noticing, but get found out by the authorities who tell you to get them out the country. Your easiest way out of this muddle is to send two Hercs at short notice....to the Seychelles!!! In a 5 star holiday resort while everone else is in tents in the desert or getting shot at. What a cock up. (But a nice one)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I apologise for all my ranting and raving about Karachi, considering that this is supposed to be a light hearted thread.

But now to 'achieve closure' on the subject, I direct my fans to the best e mail ever written by my frustrated wife, bless her.

I guarantee that this is no wind up

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=55427&highlight=Karachi

For those Ppruners out there who can now work out my identity, remember we don't 'out' people on Pprune

[Dunhovrin]

OK. So you’re finishing a 6-hour trog around the Shetlands for a JMC bore-ex in your contra-rotating air defender. Lossie is being Tacevaled. On the way back you call up approach to be told that an air raid is inbound. Do you:

a. Charge back at 180 kts to beat the Fencers (aka Jags), deliver the aircraft for a quick turn-around and hope you’ll make the sqn NBC shelter (part of the crewroom covered in black polythene) in time to spend the next 10 hours kipping on the floor.

b. Get back as best you can, put on your S6s at the far end of the runway like good boys and then spend 4 hours trying to shout a debrief to the ginger beers who have been in and out of NBC for the last 2 days and who are frankly ”not ‘appy sir”.

c. Hold off, wait for the raid to pass, the airfield to be declared clean then land and wait for the next raid.

d. Hold off – whilst declaring a PLE of about 6 hours, wait for the raid to pass, let a wave of holding-off Buccs land whilst you have lunch, hold off for another wave of Buccs to land, do a PD to Wick, sort out the remaining nosh in the galley, declare a PLE of 1 hour in time for the next raid then immediately divert to Kinloss which isn’t playing and is where the radar team have MQs, land, go out of hours and let all singlies then piss off to a surprisingly empty Thunderton.

[Prop-Ed]

This one is definitely for the front page of the forum.

There! That should do it (for now). Keep the “questions” coming!

[Yeller_Gait]

Similar vein to Dunhovrin, but I'll keep it short. Do you

1 as captain throw in an extra couple of PD's at PWK, slow transit back to Kinloss via all the beauty spots on the west coast, and land just in time to have missed the latest air raid?

2 direct transit back to Kinloss and get f****d around?

Well done captain, good decision

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

You overhear a conversation about ‘flares’, where does your daydreaming take you?


a) To Afghanistan, low level on gogs, dodging RPG’s, Triple A & tracer, hair on fire, loadie in the cupola, to see over the next ridge, CoPilot has his eyes shut, Nav earning his Hob Nobs for a change, Air Eng screamin’ for his mother, GE’s smokin’ down the back, Air Despatchers laying bets on who dies first, passengers looking menacing

b) To something you always do a bit too early and get a slap from that urine smelling, grumpy old Sqn Ldr sat to your left

c) Flares..Flare..Flair..to that natural talent that deserted you when you needed it most. You could have been a contender, you never stood a chance

d) To that 70’s disco where you made a medalion out of your Jubilee medal and some lamb chop sideburns from your pubic hair and double sided sticky tape


Mostly a)
You are the best of the bunch, apart from the fact you fly a Hercules. You have been chosen for the job for certain aspects of your character, most of which suggest you should have joined the Army

Mostly b)
You are on the OCU and just wish some of that equal opportunities stuff would rub off on that bully of an instructor who causes you to cry yourself to sleep every night

Mostly c)
You are a Navigator

Mostly d)
You are an Ascoteer (my son). The world is your lobster :}

[Albert on Tour]

What happened there? I was reading a fine kipper/vomit story and it disappeared before my eyes! I thought the whole thread had gone and got all paranoid because I have mentioned an event which flipster has brought up on another thread. (but without much humour)

Anyway, it seems the contributor has just deleted his post that's all.

While we're on the subject:

On behalf of Lyneham Hercules Wing I would like to thank our Kipper Fleet Mates for neutralising the Al Quaeda/Taliban submarine threat on our recent expeditionary force.

:8

PS Does anyone know what happened to the (alledged) £20,000 Talibar bar profits? Start another thread, mind.

[DummyRun]

A on T,

Don't know what happed to the Talibar profits but the left over stock headed North. Have been quietly sobbing watching the jinglie workers pour pallet loads of Strongbow and John Smiths down the drain on instructions of the Army because it was past its 'Best before' date :{ . I wonder what the light blue solution would have been, promos?, twofers?, give it away? but to pour it down the drain... that must be alcohol abuse extrodinaire!!! :sad:

[Mr C Hinecap]

Chaps

The profits were distributed to other bases in that part of the world where alcohol is not allowed and, therefore, profits are not really available. This ensures DVD libraries, block TVs etc were bought for those slightly less well off.

We did put a lot of effort into ensuring there were not too many spare cans to be shipped away at the end! :ok:

[Charlie Luncher]

You travel to Canadian truckie base and you find lively local bar and decide to enter to show how the UK truckie fleet party but you find 13 blokes from another fleet far away from water do you:

1. Take banter fire back and join in

2. Send expendable Co-pilot to investigate

3. Sit in the corner and huff

4. Tell Loadie off for mixing with them

5. Leave bar muttering Bloody Nimrods to sound of Tanka W*nka and Trucker F*Kka.

ps Using this greeting in the Queen Vic FI gets you barred miserably gits:E

[Anita Bush]

Kipper story again

You are the fourth ‘wet’ on a 15-man formation eating team heading over to Oman. You stop over for the night in a hot Mediterranean country and go down town to feed. During the meal you quaff enough local red wine to put even Keith Floyd into a coma.
Next morning you arrive at hotel reception (late) wearing that tasteful white, but now puke stained, shirt you wore the previous evening (said ‘wettie’ having carefully placed white shirt on floor next to bed and then later………:yuk: ).
On boarding transport to the airbase even your best friends ignore you and you are placed at the rear of the bus with all the windows open.
Over the next 10 days in Oman you do ‘maritime tasking' (chasing camels across the desert etc).

What do you do with your shirt? Do you:

a. Give it to the hotel laundry with a very large tip.

b. Give it to the local laundry downtown.

c. Lose it and claim it caught fire in the heat.

d. Place unwashed shirt in plastic bag. Keep in wardrobe in hot hotel room for the rest of the detachment. Take home and present bag and contents to wife, explaining that it was the boys fault for making you 'yam' all that red wine.

[STATLER]

You are given the dubious honour of flying Blair force one,

Mr Blair and his wife cruella de Blair are on board and for some unknow reason fall out of the aircraft. Do you:-

A) Transmit a mayday.
B) Realising the sh*t coming your way jump from the aircraft also.
C) Start filling in the paper work.
D) Re-trim.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Albert & Dummy Run

I was at Thumrait for the drawdown and there was an unenforced, voluntary, self policing, 3 can rule! (How does that work then? – Answer: It didn’t) The entertainments committee suggested twofers but that was pooh poohed because of the 3 can rule. Then someone came up with the clever idea of having a big raffle with the same amount of prizes as tickets, but that was a bit hopeful and was also refused. As I left, the dreaded ‘back to central funds’ rumour was rife.


Mr FineChap

Fair cop, but promise me that no bar profits were spent on gymnasium equipment.


Charlie Luncher

Those Ascoteers were performing the ritual of an ‘Ascot Shuffle’, which starts at the hotel bar and ends up in the Lap Dancing club. I’ve served on the Kipper Fleet at HMP Kinloss, and now I’m on Hercs, and we’re not so different. Oh, hang on, there is one difference. Our crew has a balanced cross section of society with just the one failed cook/copper/PTI, whereas your crew has a much larger portion of doughnut eating immature cretins (only joking) By the way, the NLS rock band was called Sir Peter Harding’s Lovechildren!!

Right, I have a warm feeling, as if I’ve just got up to date on my e mails. Back to the Robbie Williams concert at Knebworth (on TV)

[Mr C Hinecap]

LoveChild

I promise you that no gym equipment was purchased with the monies - that would be bad jujus.

Can we pull up sandbags for Thumrait already? How the Americans loved our bar - when they were allowed there! Bigger cans than theirs, cheaper and actually containing alcohol! Seeing their little confused faces when faced with non American beer! Seeing them trying to walk afterwards!! 3 can rule. If you picked a fight with the DetCo after 2 cans, don't drink. If you can tappy lappy off to bed after a little more, then fairly dos. It cut down on grief, so it did work, really.

LoveChild - do your happy memories include you assisting in the construction of the 'worst packed pallet of the year'? I nearly took a saw to it, but there was too much to cut off!

:E

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

As one of Her Majesties finest Ascoteers, your lifestyle choices are slightly at odds with the views of the management, the medical branch, the gymnasium staff and the Padre.

What is your attitude to the fitness test?

a) Fitness Test my @rse. It’s voluntary so what are they going to do about it eh? Hold up my promotion? Make me work the weekend? On the recent track record with pregnant WRAF’s, homosexuals & ethnic minorities they’re hardly likely to pick on the Fat Wheezy Boys with a Note From Matron. And what’s that bleep test all about? I failed the test for a 39 year old male but would have passed if I was an 18 year old girl. Where’s yer equal oportunities there, eh? Blah…blah…mumble…dribble. I wish we were a bit more like the Army (bluffing now) Sport for All. Wednesday afternoons, Jumpers for goalposts…not just encouraging the already fit people to get get fitter while becoming a burden to their workmates…

b) Well, I’d dearly love to be a bit fitter but I’m able to do my job, and if I lie low no-one will notice. I’ll get a grip one day, but it will be for my own good, and not for some silly bleep test. I’ll handbag it for another year and then I can fail the bike test. I’m giving up smoking as soon as I’ve finished this carton of Duty Free’s…

c) I think I’m anorexic, every time I look in the mirror I see a fat person looking back at me.

d) All of the above, in sequence, over a few years. Then, in line with MOD policy, you put enough work in to achieve the minimum standard you can get away with….and then you fail your hearing test!!



Finechap. I did take part in building that pallet but under the supervision of one of the senior loadies on the fleet. He's big and ee's black and I be afraid of 'im. I'll let him know of your criticism! :ok: Those wooden bits sticking out the top were the legs of the 'Wench Bench' which has seen 2 wars, a lot of fag breaks and at least one copulation.

[LunchMonitor]

Travelling to Norway midwinter on a Klassic, cargo pack has run away fully cold. Eventually a representative of the 45 marines down the back comes and asks if anything can be done about the temperature.

Do you

a. Inform him that it is being dealt with and having realised its below the Health and Safety minimum temperature you are returning to Lyneham?

b.Point out its lovely and warm on the flight deck and offer to rotate the pax through in order that they can warm up a little?

c. Apologise profusely but thats what you get with a 40 year old aeroplane?

d. Say "Not our fault mate, your bosses have decreed that you are all to be acclimatised before we land so that's what we are doing." and receive the reply "Thats F***in typical they're always doing stuff like that to us!"?


Re: Wench bench construction.Was the angle of the seat 15 degrees or 25 I cant remember?

[Albert on Tour]

Back to the top


The C130 K weekly mail run around the Balkans is a bit of a long slog for little reward, but there always seems one or two of the fleet's foreign exchange officers on the crew. Why is that, then?

a) The desk johnies treat them like second class citizens, ne imposters, and give them all the cr@p jobs.

b) Or could it be that they volunteer for it in order to get a month's income tax refunded for doing an hour an a half in Pristina! And probably a couple more medals thrown in!

Only joshing, more fool us for not being so well looked after.

[2port]

For little reward??

These days a night in Italy and a chance of some df's is reward enough, very few and far between, unless you fly those modern things!!

[Albert on Tour]

I'll just have to make do with the Duty Free's and the night in Italy, watching all the girls go by.

But with the amount of time I've spent away in the last few years, I would appreciate a 75% rebate on my:-

Income Tax
Council Tax
Road Tax &
TV Licence

Then I woke up to find that my arse had healed up :\

[vipercon]

Ha Ha, at last a proper thread, and one in which we should be proud, too much BO****ks on this site for ages now, that's why I've not bothered with it much these last few months, oh and the war.....I nearly forgot about that.

Q. You are unsure who is going to do the Imprest this time do you?

A. do it yourself
B. get the eng to do it (eek)
C. get the captain to do it
D. get the loady to do it (like some of the other truckie fleets) (see bottom of reply)

The answer lies in the fact that apparently some of the truckie fleets who dont fly with a Nav (eek again) think that it is too much responsibility for (d) to do it, no sorry that they will be too busy during the flight, no sorry that its been like this for ages so why change it....ha ha that's it why change something that aint broke, actually why not?

Answers on the back of a HMSO stamp please!;)

(It works strangely on other A/C)
:ok:


"twas the demons officer.....they made me do it"

[madasabigfish]

Well Well at least someone has sorted out the mighty Brize conundrum, years we have been asking for this.

Q. What happens when you are too busy with flying to do the imprest? (again I might Add...its a FS issue anyway)

a). Get someone who has got nothing to do during the flight to do it (Nav?)
b?. Get someone else who is doing nothing to do it (Nav 2)
c?. Get the Nav to do it.
d?. Attempt to get the empire of the loadies to do it (Not Possible)

Good old Loadies...well done to all of you, shine yer boots though
:{

A can of worms is opened

[814man]

About time this fine thread was back at the top.

You are on a Comp A trip out of FI’s to take a pax to San Paulo for urgent onward flight back to UK. Having sorted out pax it’s a night stop before the trip back to MPA.
Its also Saturday night and today has seen the big local derby between the two city football teams. As the crew are quietly going about the business of having a few beers and a pizza, the Co Pilot is “recognised” as the identical twin brother of the top scoring local hero of the winning team (a bit of a tall ginger Gazza from what we could make out!!).

Do you:

a. Return quietly to your hotel to avoid any rowdiness.
b. Persuade Co to wear a hat thus hiding the incriminating ginger locks.
c. Attempt to explain the as we are from England and have never been to Brazil before its unlikely that there is much family resemblance between the Co and the local soccer idol.
d. Buy a replica shirt and a football from a late night shop and get Co to demonstrate for the assembled crowd his legendary soccer prowess and range of tricks including back flip and overhead kick. Have a replay of the 1970 world cup match in the main street and generally enjoy one of the finest nights I ever spent on the RAF AT fleet.

[LoeyDaFrog]

Albert on Tour, Stopstart, SirPeters etc etc,

Thanks for a top thread. Having just left that secret base in wilts the 'made up' events you all have obviously thought of on the spur of the moment brought back some happy memories. Keep trucking guys and see you at Guiness & Mince Pies

[TAC Queen]

Sir Peter
You are in the secret fun holiday village in Oman
There is a 3 can rule, and No smoking or drinking outside the bar.
Do you
a, Get the ALM to order extra bacon and rolls.
b, Get the ALM to order extra bacon and rolls.
Or
c, get the ALM to order extra bacon and rolls.
I miss that place, all those happy, helpful people
It was just like Karachi, but less fun.

All spelling mistakes are because I can’t spell.

:uhoh: :ugh: :{

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

You are an ageing Sqn Ldr Navigator on the C130

Another sucessful delivery of plastic spoons to Kabul nearly done. You're on the way home as dawn is breaking, you've been up nearly 24 hours now and you're getting a bit fatigued. You are looking forward to a bacon sarnie from the loadie, and better still, a nice cool beer in the Aircrew Debrief Facility at six in the morning. Then sleep.

One last job, before descent to Thumrait - unloading the weapons and storing them back in the ammo box for next time. You wish you had paid a bit more attention at the Regiment section on your annual shoot. How do you fire off the action on the pistol?


i) Remove loaded magazine
ii) Working parts to the rear
iii) Check chamber is clear


then.....

a) Release working parts forward.
Insert empty magazine and fire off the action.
Exchange correctly cleared weapon for bacon sarnie.

b) Release working parts forward.
Re-insert full magazine and fire off the action.

c) Release working parts forward.
Bash pistol butt on desk (a la Inspector Dreyfus)

d) Re-insert full magazine.
Release working parts forward.
Shoot the Flight Engineer in the back of the head.
Fill out accident report.

e) Re-insert full magazine.
Release working parts forward.
Fire off the action at the floor by your ankles.
Proceed to crash site having shot the Liquid Oxygen Container (LOX Pot).

f) PUT THE GUN DOWN, SIR. IF YOU PASS IT TO ME CAREFULLY, I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE BACON SANDWICH AND A CUP OF TEA.

[c130 alm]

Got to be F Otis! Ive had many a nervous night watching the 3 Ocifers unload their 9mm over Pakistan. I just hope they put them plastic spoons to good use!

[2port]

You're on a det for the first time in years, after some dodgy prawns and some liquid refreshment probably out of a dirty glass you retire gracefully. In the middle of the night you have an accident. Do you:

a) Throw yourself into the shower, the soiled laundry into the bath and sleep it off on the bare matttress.

b) Throw yourself into the shower, throw the soiled laundry out of the window and sleep it off on .....

c) Throw yourself into the shower, call house-keeping ask them to throw the soiled laundry into the bin whilst offering a handful of cash to keep quiet, sleep it off ....

or

d) Gather up soiled laundry, walk down to reception to explain situation whilst leaving a rancid trail of bodily functions, realise error and return to room leaving similar trail on other side of corridor. Try to clear up mess using own t-shirt and leave all soiled items in pile outside own door. Sleep it off and face music in morning.

[Noble Lox]

You are an ageing Navigator (a theme is developing!) on the long trek from your top secret sandy base to deliver some of HM's finest at the dead of night. Now the planning has been thorough, v.long, fraught but is alas over and our plan gets us "sausage side" wholly in the very very dark. Scene shifts to the mighty workules were our hero`s are busy eating pies. Everything is going swimmingly and most things are in place, but our hero the Nav is having just a little trouble seeing all of his empire (dont forget he,s had lots to do and is tired already and has a talking part in this plan) does he........

a. Quietly go about his business and tape up a few more cylumes so that he can see what he needs for the trip.

b. Tape up a few more cylumes just to be sure so that he can see what he needs for the trip

c. Yet more cylumes and ask the Eng to keep some aside just in case as he`s` not feeling the best and its going to be a long night

d. Ask the Loadie for strong coffee before it gets busy as blah blah

e. Ask everyone if the light from his station is bothering them as he`s using more than normal lighting

f. Take off his sunglasses as its not yet dark outside and everyone is laughing so much it hurts

:cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

You are tasked with a TOP SECRET mission to go to ***** to pick up a ****** of **** and deliver it to ***** **** before ******** the ****.


a. You attend a top secret briefing where you are told of the **** and ******. Your security status is checked.

b. You remove all name badges from your clothes and bags.

c. You are told not to inform you family of your ****** and *****.

d. Your luggage is searched extensively before departure.

e. THE RAF POLICE ESCORT TURN UP AT THE AIRCRAFT IN THEIR FLYING SUITS WITH BADGES.....

RANK
NAME
UNION JACK
'NUCLEAR WEAPONS CONVOY UNIT'

[Dunhovrin]

..and of course their Mums know 'cos who else was going to spell UK for them...

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

At 24,000 feet in the cruise, you notice that the Flight Engineer is surreptitiously strapping himself into his seat. You are puzzled and a little worried. Why is he doing this?

a) He is anticipating a little turbulence ahead

b) He has spotted a potential malfunction and is preparing for the possibility of some red card drills.

c) He can't keep his eyes open any longer and he is strapping in to avoid waking the Captain & Co Pilot by falling forward on to the centre console.

[I_stood_in_the_door]

you are the skipper on a long haul back to the uk following a long delay overseas.

your flapping little alm informs you that some of your precious cargo are re-enacting the latest wwe wrestlefest. one of the chaps in green is bleeding and sore.

do you:

a. flap

b. get out of your grow bag and join in the fun.

c. flap, call for thunderbird 1 to rescue you and finish off with a long sundowner with the flapping little loadie.

d. flap until the situation is taken in hand by a army jnco and return to the secret little airbase in wiltshire to await subsequent board of enquiry.

e. flap and nosh off the loadie.

enjoy peeps

isitd





:yuk:

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Isitd..............guess you must be a brown job then:yuk:

What the captain in question should have done is radioed ahead and had the aircraft met by the rozzers. Obviously those involved must have broken the sacred "toucan rule" which seems to be the only way of keeping you dull f@ck pongoes from punching the sh@t out of each other, beating women with shovels or shooting each other!

I find it amazing that I have managed to travel half way round the world, get wan@ered in some of the most fantastic places on the planet and never had the urge to finish the night off by attempting to beat the crap out of someone:ok: Maybe the RAF was the right job for me as it would appear I would certainly not fit in with you lot...........thank the lord:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[I_stood_in_the_door]

ahh, always broken,

hook line and ........

i too have been around the world (arent we lucky chaps!!) and managed to get lashed and never to had the urge to do as you said.

i believe the individual concerned was easily provoked (a bit like your fine self!) and the whole sorry incident is regrettable but now history.

what is the time duration between alcohol and brakes off nowadays?

and as u well know , brown is best!

enjoy.

ps

and still not shovelled anyone to death, leave that to the RGJ!


:ok:

[Gainesy]

what is the time duration between alcohol and brakes off nowadays?

100 yards? Or was that something else?

[I_stood_in_the_door]

gainsey - ooops more toilet duck required!

abiw,

then why didnt the said capt do just that?

lead, follow or get out of the f**cking way!

[Gainesy]

ISITD
"God is Airborne"
Saw that on a Royal Marines' sweatshirt.




On the back it reads: "Cos he failed the Commando course".
:cool:

[Grimweasel]

ABIW

Ah, good to see that inter service rivalry is still at its worst! I thought you were above all that low life gutter banter.
Now....Pongo is a rather derogotary term and so is brown job. Last time I checked EO training was a Tri service concern and one has surely opened one's self up for a can of litigous whoop ass!

The Army trains to fight all day and then come 1700hrs is expected to switch into Mr Nice Civil bloke mode. Somewhat hard to do when bayonetting the hell out of straw filled sacks all day.
The reason the RAF choose not scrap is that their day is taken up with drinking Pimms and Gordon's Gin followed by reading the Guardian and eating pies. Therefore the 1700hr hooter poses no problem to the Civil Raf type as he has barely raised a finger all day let alone an ounce of testosterone. Horses for courses. Real men join the Army to fight. Nonses join the RAF to stay away from the FLOT. Let the scrap begin...........

[FFP]

All true Grim . . . . . . . .

And the fact it winds everyone else up makes it all the sweeter ;)

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Dear Grim and the other twit:p

"Real men join the Army to fight. Nonses join the RAF to stay away from the FLOT. Let the scrap begin..........."

Should'nt this read "Those incapable of achieving any sort of academic success, failures within the educational system and the common or garden thug/misfit join the army to "fite and live in
sh!te", normally as a last resort because the other 2 services, as well as most of society have said NO:ok:

Whilst those whose atributes are the complete opposite of your average soldier join the more technically and educationally demanding life of the modern day RAF and Navy. They do so primarily for the challenges it brings as well as the added fact that we are treated in a most civilised fashion, hence the pims and complete lack of any need for boxing skills.

Not much of a scrap fella as having worked very closely with the army during my rotary days, trust me you can keep it..........but only till your 40:ok:

46 this year and 9 happy well paid years to go...........i luv my job:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[I_stood_in_the_door]

gainsey old chap,

god wouldn't have the sense to even attempt the commando cse as he well knows the maroon machine is a truly male environment and you fish 'eds (please spell check this for me abiw as i have no academic skills) allow the female to attempt and pass your glorious cse (all be it after 3 attempts). god bless pip and all who sail in her!

anyway, he bottled it on the ballon jump. HAT!!

abiw,

touched a nerve old man?

any piece of paper which our cousins in the raf have isnt worth much in the school of life is it?

hee hee......once a crab always a crab!

oooh, do you think blues my colour?

enjoy boys and bring it on.

lead, follow or get out of the f**cking way!


:yuk: :ok:

[adrian mole]

ISITD

Thanks Pongo for what you have just done! Practically everything ABIW prints I diasagree with but you have made us allies through your own stupid diatribe (if you don't know that word look it up or ask a crab!). Surely you would be better making your comments on AARSE where the rest of the brown jobs exist. Just to make you jealous I am a MOVER and have been front-line on the FEBA for real with JHSU (e.g. Kosovo and with the rest of the RLC )rubber wheels - no box kickers) went forward on D plus minutes and had to behave like an infantryman. Not my scene but I've done it for real - I suspect that's wher your frustrations lie? You dream the dream but lack practicality. All my love from a Muppet supporter.

[Grimweasel]

Hey Adrian Mole,
Why don't you go and bury your head in the mud again. JHSU good show old chap. Bet you tore arse around the 'Nam lookin for the shi*. Did you shout 'get some get some' too? You should know that FEBA is long gone. get with the programme, its now FLOT. Kosovo hey, you are a REAL stud. Try not to look up little words in the dictionary either just to impress your friends you VITROLIC little bluey!

ABIW...I find it stupid that you types always revert to that silly old argument about school. Prehaps if you did any better then you'd be a stockbroker and not a loadie. Or even a pilot. So please lose the high and mighty sketch as you clearly are not at the top of the food chain as you may think. It's old 'has beens' like you that hold up promotion in the RAF by clinging on until you are 55. For gods sake just bite the bullet and leave. Let the young thrusters behind you have a go and get up the ladder. The RAF could do with a real 'dead wood' cull!!

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Grim,
Keep looking up with envy old fella:ok: ........well until your 40 then a life as a bouncer or debt collector awaits.......enjoy:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[I_stood_in_the_door]

adrian mole,

what drivel!

feba (?) my arse. all the gear and no idea.

isnt mummy proud of her little soldier (not)?

get a life mate

thought it wouldnt be too long before the muppets got involved.

thought ur little ditty about kosovo was very succinct - my what a brave man u are. do you know which end to hold on your rifle? or is that a gun to the boys in blue?

no doubt got a medal too - huraaaaah!

abiw,

tis fun my old friend. bring it on!

spell checker complete?

lead, follow or get out of the f**cking way!

:ok:

[Echo 5]

isitd,

" thought it wouldn't be too long before the Muppets got involved"

Pretty arrogant for the new boy on the block aren't you. At least the Muppets created a thread where they and the Loadies could air their differences. You have produced 17 posts, mostly cr@p,over the past 6 days, gatecrashed a long running popular thread and desecrated it with your inane ramblings.
If you are capable of thought then perhaps you should think about what you want to say and post it in a coherent manner.

It's time we left this thread now and let the Ascoteers get on with the humour

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

E5,
Well said that man:ok: ....................but what are the chances:p ............none methinks:O

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[I_stood_in_the_door]

echo5,

whilst my ramblings have been inane, the bitter replies that have been posted seem to come from you and your colleagues.

whilst i understand i am the new boy am i not entitled to my opinions - the grim one is quite right in his statement that all the raf types seem to be well above their station (tho' i must admit i have come across a large number of good eggs in my time)

you boys are far too easy to wind up - all by a supposed 'thick' squaddie. hee hee!

dont take life too serious - you may do yourself some harm!

abiw,

spell check complete?

lead, follow or get outof the f**cking way!





:ok: :ok:

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Friday 17th – Saturday 18th October 2003

You love your job, you’re in Cape Town, and you’re in a very nice hotel on the waterfront. Table Mountain looks down majestically. It doesn’t get much better than this.


Well, it could do, as you are scheduled to depart 3 hours before the England vs South Africa Rugby game kicks off.


More than any other time than you can think of, you need a 24 hour delay

a) You suggest at the restaurant that the seafood in Cape Town is world famous, especially the shellfish. You cross your fingers in the hope that one of your crew will go down with the squits.

b) You wind up the Co-Pilot and the Loadie at the disco, hoping that one of them will flip and require a trip to hospital and/or the police station

c) On the walk back to the hotel, you give the Captain a gentle shove into the path of a speeding taxi

d) You telephone @rsecot Ops and inform them that the Navigator has had a nasty turn. He is mumbling incoherently and dribbling down his shirt. (Ascot Ops inform you that this is quite normal)

d) You cross your fingers and hope that the aircraft will break down, you can get back on the bus, dump your bags at the hotel and head off for the pub in your England shirt

e) You listen to the match on HF :{


You are in Namibia the next day and are scheduled to depart 4 hours before the Ireland vs Namibia Rugby kick off.

It slowly dawns on you that God is not on your side for this trip.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

You are one of the senior Loadmasters on the fleet and after a hard nights lantern swinging (trans: regaling the youngsters with your anecdotes) in the old folks home (trans: Sgts Mess), there is nothing you like more than a last quick smoke of your pipe before bed.

Do you:-


a) Pop out the fire exit for a last quick puff.

b) Do without and last til the morning

c) Light up in bed, setting off the smoke detectors. Attracting the attention of the Fire Section and the RAF Police. Then compound the transgression by being rude to the Gestapo. Wake the Tristar crew on their rest period (thanks for complaining, fellas). ……….

I’ll have to revisit this post and edit as the rest of the story is still to come out!

[Jobza Guddun]

SPHL,

Nice one getting the thread back on track, always a hoot reading your posts. Keep 'em coming!!:ok:

[ANGRY BOB]

Angry? I`ll give yer f:mad:g angry

[ANGRY BOB]

In my case, the Co-Pilot


As long as you allocate single hotel rooms to non-operating aircrew officers, holding officers, Corporal Ops Clerks and any other bunk fodder, while doubling up Senior SNCO´s......

I will continue to piss in your cup of tea



Angry? I´ll give yer f:mad:g angry!

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Bob,
Nce thing about the might J is the loadie..........me:O runs the imprest so no fuc@in way are "knockers" doublin up on Albert...............now scuffers and muppets well thats a differant issue:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Blakey875]

ABIW

You are talking bo££oc@s again, we all read GASOs and you would risk death and an interview if you tried what you say. We also both know you're talking dribble as the imprest clerk is the wife of a muppet and any mischief would be quickly sorted......

What I've done in the past is change hotels if there's not enough room. Might I suggest you do a trick we support personnel do, ring the handling agent in advance and get your rooms sorted!!

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Blakey,
"You are talking bo££oc@s again"

I fear it is you talking b@@locks you poor misguided ground bound fool! I have been on the J and K fleet for 7 years now and, apart from the odd war time fiasco in Kebab land, have never shared a hotel room yet:p Suggest you have another look at GASO's, it's not joined up writing so you should be able to cope, and all will become clear.

The reason you have to indulge in all the financial skullduggery you suggest, hope a bean counter has read your post, is cos you are, and always will be Pax:p , we on the other hand are not so............................ well I am sure you can now work it out:ok:

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Echo 5]

ABIW/Blakey875,

If you two don't stop bickering then I'll start posting to the Movers v Loadies thread again and that will get a few backs up.

It's that time of year guys.............Peace and Goodwill and all that.

Regards,

E5

[Dunhovrin]

ABIW:

The reason you get a single room is so you have space to make yer bivvie still. You can take the man out of SH, but you can't dot dot dot.

SPHL: Good call on the rugger mate. We finally got the last 3 minutes of the final from the Beeb on HF having had to get relays via a Yank on 123.45. Aparrantly London, England had 20 home runs to Orstralia's 17 touchdowns....

OK chaps thats all - back to the slanging match..

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Oh dear. You have Dehli Behli. You picked up something nasty in Panama, but it didn't take effect until you got to Bermuda.

Inevitably, questions will be asked about your integrity, as a chinese whisper will go twice around the world before the truth has got its boots on.

How will you deal with this?

a) 'I am an officer in the Royal Air Force, holder of the Queens Commission, I am therefore incapable of falsehood. Any questions? Call me a Doctor'

b) 'I am an officer in the Royal Air Force, holder of the Queens Commission. While I may be capable of spin, propaganda and bare faced lies, I expect you to believe every word I utter without question. Call me a lawyer.'

c) Allow crew and 25 passengers to pack their bags, pay for the porn channel charges, swap their local money back to sterling, hand in their keys...........and then while stood in reception waiting for transport.......follow through in your flying suit. Call the laundry'

24 hour delay and additional laundry charge

(and then another 24 hour delay)

[ANGRY BOB]

http://www.a-arca.com/d10/artigos/images/lotr_orc.gif

AS FOR THE LOADIES, MOVERS & AIR DESPATCHERS WHO NEARLY PUT THE MOCKERS ON THIS POPULAR THREAD...WORDS FAIL ME!

In fact, why don't you delete your ridiculous posts and stay on your Movers v Loadies thread.


ANGRY? I'LL GIVE YER F:mad:G ANGRY

[Yeller_Gait]

Forgive me for inturuding into the Loadies v Mooovers mud-slinging, but who exactly are the muppets, and what/who the f*** are air dispatchers? Not another empire by chance?

[LunchMonitor]

YG

Muppets are movers. Movers load and unload aeroplanes and by moving stuff on and moving it off again.

Air despatchers do the same except they normally unload it whilst airborne.

Katie (http://www.rafcareers.com/jobs/job_files/my_job/myjob_katiebrooks.cfm) tells you about movers at this link. She is a lovely girl.

The Army tell you about Air Despatchers (http://www.army.mod.uk/careers/logistics/jd_air_dispatcher.html) at this site.

Enjoy

Please post any further comments or questions to the movers ranting thread and leave this free for more multi choice questions.

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

It would appear Bob is not best pleased:ok: Merry Xmas fella and take a chill pill, season of good will and all that:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[albert the first]

The difference between muppets and AD is that if there is a problem with a load a muppet will say something like "God, thats the way we have always done it, no Im not going to change it" well that is until you ask for the team leaders name so that you can give it to group when you need to explain why the frame is delayed. AD, on the other hand, will listen to you, give you the benefit of their experience, in a positive way, then get the books out (if needed) then we come to a safe workable solution.
In short AD are a professional outfit and the muppets are not.
I'll now go to Movers v Loadies. Sorry

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Ageing C130K Navigator arrives at the breakfast table to find inexperienced colleagues stumbling through a question and answer session with the waitress.

Nav: ‘Okay chaps, watch and learn, watch and learn.’

(Big breath)

2 Eggs, Over Easy
Baby Back Bacon
Links
Hash Browns
No Grits
Rye Bread
Side Order of Mushrooms
Fresh Orange with the food
Filter Coffee straight away

I Thank You

(Ripple of applause from assembled crew)

Nav: ‘Eng, I’ve got the Jet Plan, and for fuel, we’ll have Full Mains’

Eng: ‘ Is that just full to shut off, or do you want fifteen and a half tonnes’

Nav: ‘Damn damn damn!’

[StopStart]

When descending at 270kts and 4000fpm into Baghdad again on another lovely, gin-clear day and the American ATC (bless 'em!) ask you to stop descent at 5000', come back to min speed and hold over the scariest part of the city do you

a) Agree, slow and configure (you're American)
b) Agree (you're civilian, you're convinced it's a stupid idea but are sure the military controllers wouldn't ask you to do anything inherently dangerous/daft)
c) Ask them, with a degree of incredulity, to say again (you're other coalition military)
d) Transmit "A wandering minstrel I.......Gale force 8 imminent....schnell schell kartofellkopf....Surf 28 Field in sight, switching" at 40 miles out, then chop to the sane australians on tower before the yanks can get another insane word in edgeways.. (you're another goddamn Brit)

:ok:

SPHLC - who are these people of whom you speak?? As far as I am aware, NAV is an autopilot mode and the only "Eng" I know of was 50% of Chang and Eng Bunker, the touring Siamese twins of the early 1800s....

[Stan Bydike]

Sir Peter,

A pretty poor waitress though - she did have the option of "Will that be Regular or Decaff Sir?"

:)

[Echo 5]

albert,

I note that you still haven't posted on the Movers v Loadies thread as you suggested you would four days ago. Just in case you are a front end wizard I will make it easy for you to find - It's now back on page 1 .
I would be interested to know what qualifies you to determine that AD are more professional than Muppets. Perhaps it's because they stand to attention when they address you!!
Anyway,I think that you will find that you are probably talking cr@p.

LM/Angry Bob
Totally agree. I think you will recall that I suggested on a previous post when the Pongos were getting lippy that we should get off the Ascoteers thread.

E5

PS: All responses to Movers v Loadies please.

[truckietypebloke]

rumour has it.....

a crew is in perth,australia(nice!) and being good pilots check the met only to find that there is a hurricane sat right on their path home and due to hit their destination shortly.... do group...

a) say no worries, sit out the weather, keep an eye on it and launch in a couple of days when it is safe?

b) think of sending crew home via a different route?

c) tell the captain to launch into the hurricane and sit it out at the place the hurricane is due to hit??

happy new year!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Damn damn damn

Good call Stan. Nothin’ wrong with the waitress, just my recollection of the scene that’s at fault. I'll edit it when I'm offered the book deal.

I also missed out the Atlantic Divide that confuses:-

Biscuit
Muffin
Tea Cake
Scone
Etc

I missed it out because I’ve never managed to get it right. A biscuit (US) is a scone (UK) right? Or is it a muffin?

Grits! - Fried porridge? :yuk:


StopStart, you're still my hero. Didn't you do the first (main sqn) daylight run into Kabul in a 'Dumb' Mk 3 without blubbing?

Route Queens on Gogs :cool:


TruckieTypeBloke, welcome aboard, nice story but I've seen Air Despatchers use more capital letters than you. The shift key is down in the bottom left! :ok:

[Solid Rust Twotter]

Who wuz the blokes needed a buddy start somewhere in a hole in Africa a few months back? If 'twere a "J" yez'd still be walking....




:cool: *Leaps into foxhole and tries to drag walls in after self...*

[I_stood_in_the_door]

whats a fox hole? ooh, I think I've broken a nail.

lfogootfw

isitd

:}

[truckietypebloke]

THERE WILL BE NO more use of capitals. your point is noteD.

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

You wish to increase the intercom volume. Do you

A) Rotate intercom volume knob clockwise

B) select <init> - select <mode> - scroll to <volume> - select <init> - observe <vol 9> - select <init> - observe <vol 9> flashing - scroll up to <vol 11> (flashing) - select <init>

repeat until desired volume setting is achieved.

Now that's progress. :{

[Now a 'J' Bloke!!]

Hi Gang;

What are you on about Otis???

Regards to Most...
Me
SFS:O

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

Its okay J Blokey, I'm not having a dig at the J model

Its some of the new gucci kit they're fitting to our K's!

Too clever by half.

eg You set up your intercom & radio volumes as above, then you get a power interuption and they all default to zero.

Can't say any more or I'd have to kill you.

ps are you formerly C130K Bloke?

[Now a 'J' Bloke!!]

Hi Gang;

Otis, you've rumbled me....See you in (insert typical place name) for a beer sometime.

SFS:cool:

[Laker Liker]

Don't know what you modern Ascot guys are moaning about.

When we delivered the K model from Marrietta back in the mists of time we had a big shiny SILVER beast to fly via Bermuda and Lajes to Cambridge with no autopilot, no pax and ex piston loadies who knew how to look after a crew.

It was hell I tell you!!

Now they have stuck all the latest gizmos on and still you aren't satisfied.

Give me a DC10 anytime.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Let's make this simpler then. Less answers.

Are you an Ascoteer Route Queen, or are you Gungho SF Airborne Cavalry?


On arrival at Baghdad International do you...

a) Exit the aircraft from the crew door in a flying suit with a high viz waistcoat, clutching 2 copies of the manifest, seeking a meeting with the customs man, the handling agent and flight catering.

b) Drive off the ramp in a cloud of dust in an armoured land rover, one up the spout and a bulge in your trousers.

[Aerobratic]

A friend put this hypothesis to me....ahem.....:

You lie paralytic at the top of the stairs in the Mess after a particularly nasty Happy Hour. A WRAF is on top of you trying to wake you up while snogging you. Quickly, it becomes apparent that you have massively followed through in your drunken slumber (again!).

Do you:

a) Stick your hand into your flying suit in front of her, to confirm your worst fears, bringing it back out like a toffee apple .
b) Spend half the night showering, laundering and cleaning the carpet.
c) Wake up the next morning and deny everything Baldrick.
d) All of the above.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Mmmm nice, I'll picture that scene with every toffee apple.


Loads more of these to come...

Ascoteer Route Queen or Airborne Cavalry

On top of your locker at the Squadron you have a 'go' bag ready for any short notice deployment. What does it contain?

a) Fresh DP's, NBC gear, Green Card, Day/Night flares, Cyalumes, Heliograph, Escape maps, Emergency Ration Packs, Puffa Jacket, Cam cream.

b) Loud shirt, flared jeans, spare shreddies & socks, 200 Malboro Lights, Bottle of Gin, Pack of Three, secret stash of U$

[Chaos Controller]

You have been on exercice in artic terrain in the northern part of norway, and are supposed to go back home to England again. When the VC10 has picked up your collegues, you realize that you are more than 100 miles from the airport the aircraft is at, adn it is almost midnight. Do you:
A - Call and ask them to wait for you.
B - Call and ask them to go to the airport you really are at.
C - Just wait 6 hours and book a ticket on the next civilian flight back to England
D - Wait untill the VC10 is halfway back to England, then calling and makes him turn back to the airport he was an hour ago, getting someone to drive you to the airport, lets the VC10 (with all the passengers onboard) wait on the ground for 3 hours for you, and making the ATC-officer sit up untill 5 in the morning when he was supposed to be in bed getting his beauty sleep at midnight?

Somebody better by me a beer next time he visits Bardufoss :}

[DummyRun]

Dear Chaos Controller,

Option E was slightly less jack and involved a 'comp A' - that means a mates relative is about to die, that's why they turn jets around in mid air and that's why we're not an airline, but I'm sure sleazyjet do it better

Trouble is these days even those of us without the 'big picture' still know better and could probably run truckie Cmd better, if in fact you need it at all.

Ohmygod i've just defended the shiney fleet, next time I'm in N Norway I'll take a birch twig to myself, or, hang on is'nt 'fishing' a bit slack this time of year? maybe I could find a local to......stop it.

Load Moving..............

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Can't search for 'I wish I hadn't said that...' so I'll stick this little anecdote here, (seeing as half of my life story is on this thread anyway)

In a bar, in a hotel, somewhere in the Eastern Mediterranean. Several crews having their warm up drinks while waiting for the Co-Pilot to show up with the money.

Barmaid: Excuse me sir, where is Captain of 216?

(Aha, I know this one, years of experience, good at pre-judging people)

Me: Well, my dear, my guess is that he's the grey haired distinguished looking gentleman in the cravat sipping a Pimms over there with all the Tristar pouffs.

Barmaid: Thankyou meester. Something about a 2 hour delay.

Returns to sprint drinking, lantern swinging etc

5 mins later

Barmaid: Excuse me sir, where is Captain from Room 216?

Me: Ah. That'll be my Captain then, he's...er...stood right here.

NOW WHAT WERE THE CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING THEN?

[Mr C Hinecap]

Ascoteer Route Queen or Airborne Cavalry

On top of your locker at the Squadron you have a 'go' bag ready for any short notice deployment. What does it look like?

a) A sturdy, bulging and worn Special Forces bergen from an obscure unit/country that you traded for last time you were working with the Hereford Mountaineering Club / Poole Yacht Club.

b) A huge bright yellow Samsonite suitcase that matches that lovely little sporty coupe you run around in.

I know him - I have seen suitcase - although he has been 'sausage-side, gogs down' since!

[PURPLE-XD]

:O Recounted to me by an ex MAMS team leader.

C130 - some freight and 30 or so pongos. Pongos do something annoying on the ac just prior to engine start that results in loadie kicking off pongos whilst sorting out load or some such activity.

MAMS TL at tail of ac sorting stack of baggage out - Sgt Maj arrives and asks what to do with remaining pongos whilst RAF types are faffing around. TL tells him to f**k off and run around in circles for a bit. 10 minutes later, Sgt Maj reappears and asks:

a). How long until we can re-board the ac?

b). Do you have any thing to eat/drink/smoke/steal?

c). Will it be ok to have a fag break behind the bowser?

d). Can he please have permission to fall out the Colonel from the running round in circles?


(d = correct answer)

[Now a 'J' Bloke!!]

Mr C

b) A huge bright yellow Samsonite suitcase that matches that lovely little sporty coupe you run around in.

At least the desert dust won't get into his samsonite....and it IS a location aid....every LSJ should have one:O

Regards to Most
SFS:ok:

[Army Mover]

You are the captain of a VC-10, on finals into Namao. It is a beautiful summer day, not a cloud in the sky, not a breath of wind. Everything required to onmove both the passengers, the freight and the priority 1 red-star consignments on board was on the ground waiting. Do you:

a. Land the aircraft and taxi around to the pan to offload your passengers etc; or,
b. Fly down the runway and at the end hang a left to the International airport at Edmonton.

As the ATLO at Edmonton at the time, I've always been puzzled by this little lapse in directional functionality. The RAF det commander (good old Gordon) was quite non-plussed. The OC of the muppets on board (Gibson?) was quite apoplectic that the on-load wasn't at the airfield waiting for him and his team to load it (neither was he or the loadie impressed when told that they wouldn't get the baggage until the next day either).

So, come on, you know who you are. I was the guy on the pan throwing his hat at your departing shadow. You didn't tell the passengers either (my wife was with you - you took off from Brize with her in the jump seat !!!).

[Reichman]

It's called operating an aircraft. Something you will never know anything about. ;)

Reichman (Aircraft Operator)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Gentlemen you can't fight in here, this is the Ascoteers Multiple Choice!

What we need is a witty punchline for the nice Army Mover......

Er...the crew were busy with your missus on the jump seat!

Ta - Da!!

Okay. Ascoteer Route Queen or Airborne Cavalry?

You hear someone mention the 'Engineers Song'

Do you burst into a chorus of

a) An Engineer told me before he died, A-rum-titty-bum-titty-bum-titty-bum...

or

b) Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...

NB. Dunno about other multis, but on the mighty C130 Klassic, the Flt Engineer sits with the Captain to the left, and the Co to the right, with the Nav right and behind a bit.

[Army Mover]

It's called operating an aircraft. Something you will never know anything about.

Reichman (Aircraft Operator)Reichman,

Oops, have I touched a nerve ??? I appreciate that you were operating the aircraft, had I wanted to do that, I would have joined the RAF instead of the Army, but I wanted something else.

I was just asking (with a multi-choice theme, to remain on thread) why the aircraft (or crew) did what it did. I mean it was obviously going to land at Namao but decided for some reason not to. I thought that maybe from behind a curtain of anonymity I may get an answer.

Of course it could be that your answer was meant to be a cunning attempt at humour - in that case, whoosh, sorry matey - straight over my head and yes, we are as thick as you feared. :rolleyes:

Sir Peter's wotsits - I wasn't fighting, just asking a question, you may benefit from some more training at conjuring up "witty punchlines". In the meantime, don't give up the day job eh ??? :sad:

[Aerobratic]

Sir Peter,

Give up your day job. This is undoubtedly one of the most amusing threads on PP and the jump seat comment was in keeping with that......the last thing I am sure we all want is another mover Vs aircrew bicker.

;)

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

SPH,

Take no notice of the nasty green man:{ ......you have probably annoyed him with your sense of humour, and bl@@dy top humour it is:ok: and the suggestion that his mrs was playing " lets hide all the aircrew salami", which by the look of it has hit an extremely raw nerve:p

Anyone know her identity? This might be worth investigating as we know aircrew appreciate a true player:O

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Army Mover]

Mmmm, a knowledgeable man obviously, really knows his stuff despite being broken in Wilts (why are you broken in Wilts ???)

By Always_broken_in_wilts

Take no notice of the nasty green man ......you have probably annoyed him with your sense of humour, and bl@@dy top humour it is.Absolutely - real top stuff - it certainly reaches his target audience of 13 year olds eh ?? :8

By Always_broken_in_wilts

The suggestion that his mrs was playing " lets hide all the aircrew salami", which by the look of it has hit an extremely raw nerve

Anyone know her identity? This might be worth investigating as we know aircrew appreciate a true playerLOL - Now then, you may actually know her, I met her while I was at Gutersloh - certainly the loadie knew her (he was on the MAOT team at Gut when I first got there), or do you ask every female to share the cockpit for take-off ??? Please don't say yes cos she'll be gutted - she thinks you blue jobs are real nice guys.

So come on - you've had lots of clues now - does nobody know why the air-plane didn't land where it was meant to ??? You can tell the truth eh, nobody reads this stuff - do they ???

Of course it could be that this is all an attempt to get rid of the nasty pongo who asks questions ??? :)

[Aerobratic]

You come home from another fabulous week of pelting around the UKLFS looking down from above on the Army. Relaxing with a beer you check your emails then decide to see what Sir Peter has conjured up for our collective amusement. On looking at the thread you realise that some twit has started to use the thread as a slagging arena for something which is effectively irrelevant. Does one:

a) Swiftly change thread, never to return to SPHLCs comedy again.
b) Yam the beer and another and another.......
c) Join the Army in admiration.
d) Realise that the Twit has completely missed the whole point of the thread (humour) and probably needs to broaden his horizons as well as his monitoring of Mrs Twit around the rampant irresitablility of Ground Engineers and Aircrew.

Gentleman, am I wrong?

[Army Mover]

Aerobratic,

If you can not appreciate the humour of an RAF Flt Lt an RAF Cpl, an Army Ssgt, 4 buses, god knows how many freight vehicles running from North Edmonton to South Edmonton during the rush hour. The MAMs det from Calgary getting lost on the way. On arrival at Edmonton Int another MAMs team getting rather irate that the expected on-load wasn't there and they were stuck at the airport hoping to get a lift from the Army. The passengers and freight had gone God knows where, the RCMP had arrested the Army NCO i/c weapons for refusing to leave the aircraft pan till he got his weapons back. The AAC Gazelle pilot who had come for the Red Star AOG stuff could not get back air-side because he couldn't show to the RCMP a proper licence to fly the aircraft he had arrived in !!! On top of all of that, my 6 months pregnant wife was somewhere around the place needing a lift home.

In other words sir, it was a hilarious cluster-fcuk and all because the VC10 didn't land where it was meant to. Now if you go back through the thread, you will find it wasn't this "Twit" who missed the point, but some other "Twit".

It's a good job I worked with you Blue-jobs most of my career, or I might think you were losing it. ;)

[Impiger]

You are not an Acoteer route queen but you appreciate their humour. On reading this top thread you realise that it has gone wobbly and is descending into vitriol over an incident in Canada do you:

a. Ignore it and hope they grow up soon.

b. Go and do something more interesting like watching your video of Jonny Wilkinson's final kick.

c. Respond by adding to the teasing of the unfortunate Army Mover and all his toy soldier mates.

d. Suggest he may actually have a point. After all aircraft are supposed to land at their planned destinations and when they don't there is usually a pretty good reason. So you suggest he moves his question to a more appropriate thread possibly titled: 'Have you ever landed at the wrong airfield - if so why?' This would free up Acoteers Multi Choice for more banter and top humour while actually starting a thread which might also lead to more banter and humour (but could also answer his buring question of WTF did the Shiney 10 go to the 'wrong' airfield.

[Army Mover]

Impiger,

Thank you. I'm gone. :ok:

[Mr C Hinecap]

Aerobratic

Sir PHLC gave up his job years ago - no-one else has cottoned on yet. He is travelling the world in the big green party machine gathering witty stories & anecdotes for his memoirs and second career as after dinner speaker! :E :ok:

[Reichman]

Army Mover

I wasn't the aircraft operator in this instance. Just an aircraft operator. But I do have an inherent dislike of movers. To illustrate:

You arrive back at BZN after a flight from Kuwait with a full load of pax who, due to a movements c*ck up, have been sat on the jet for a total of nearly 9 hours. The waterfront is full so the jet needs to be pushed back into one of the opposite bays. The mover comes on board. Does he:

a) Get the pax off immediately as they've been on a long time, before the jet is pushed back.

b) Tell you it would be easier for him if the jet was pushed back first, and when told by the captain to "Stop p*ssing about and get the pax off", has the steps taken away from the aircraft and walks back to ops, and is then subject to a Route Stage Report.

[Aerobratic]

Agreed, SPHLC, although a well regarded individual in his realm, may indeed now require the services of a good Agent to secure the remuneration worthy of his observations and wit.:E

I hear that he is getting so popular, sometimes he has to wear the Groucho Marx Specs/Moustache combo normally reserved for guests to preserve anonimity.

Sir Peter, over to you........................:ok:

[Bullman]

Reichmann, I only hope as an "operator" that your flying is an awful lot better than your humour !!!:=
your petty bitchiness towards movements personnel is more suited to the playground than an adult forum :ok:

p.s have picked up your toys would you like them back :ok:

[Army Mover]

Reichmann,

I can understand you developing an inherent dislike of some movers - after all it must be unusual for someone to get on with everybody. I know for a fact that some of the RAF movers had a similar regard for some of the aircrew they had to work with. Me, I don't think I ever had a cross word from any RAF guy in 24 years service (until here - thank you !!!) - mind you, there was an RAF Police Corporal that was unfortunate enough to give me a mouthfull once .............. (he, he ,he). I just used to cop the passengers after you and your colleagues had finished with them (think back to your story from Brize eh).

What I think this demonstrates is that there is wide spectrum of human flotsam working in all of three services, some good, some indifferent and some dreadful. I now work outside and I'll tell you a little story from my recent past - a large NHS Trust were consistently failing to produce the goods, to the extent where the HSE were about to get all excited. At the meeting with the Chief Exectutive of the Trust, she apologised to all and explained that "all of her brain surgeons were busy doing brain surgery and weren't available for other tasks".

Anyway, thank you for your time - I may take Impiger's advice and post my question in a new thread. Next time you bump into a Mover, just think of "Brain Surgery".

To the moderator - I apologise for disrupting your thread.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

[Reichman]

Dear Bullman,

I am a pilot not a stand up comedian and, therefore, cannot help the fact that my sense of humour is warped. You have nothing to worry about my flying, though thanks for your concern.

Army Mover,

Nothing personal mate. I put Movers in the same bracket as the French. I've met some good individuals but as a race I can't stand them. Keep on Prooning/bantering here as long as you like.

Luv, Reichman

PS I no longer carry pax so I only get ****ed around when I am one.

;)

[BEagle]

The only time I was ever really annoyed with 'The Movers' was when we arrived back at the Covert Oxonian Aerodrome from Akronelli with a Vickers Funbus load of wives and nippers in the depths of winter. Being SLF from Cyprus, they were all dressed in non-UK winter clothes. Despite our inbound call to Ops, there was no transport waiting to take them to the Passenger Terminal - they were supposed to manage babies, baby clobber, handbaggage and the like as they trudged through the slush from some remote parking slot (the waterfront, as ever, being jammed with taskless TriShaws). I asked for wheels and overheard the Air Vice Corporal on the pax desk say "Tell them to walk" to the receiving DAMO. So I 'borrowed' the DAMO's radio and 'asked' him to think again about his helpful suggestion. We ended up ferrying the women and children to the Terminal in the crew transport as the alternative would have been a long wait whilst the movers did what they should have done in the first place - sort out some b£oody transport!

As far as I was concerned, my job didn't stop at HP to OFF - it ended when the pax were safely in the terminal. "Hello, everyone, this is your Captain......" means that's who they'll remember when it turns to doo-doo and all they get is a set of steps and a long cold walk with whingeing rugrats - so yes, you Movers b£oody well should jump to it and play your part when the captain has a legitimate reason for making a fairly obvious request.

We call it 'customer care' in the real, non-military world!

[gijoe]

BEagle,

...and 'teamwork', and 'removing your blinkers', and 'professionalism'....and 'ensuring one keeps ones job'!

I hope you find the non-mil world well.

G:cool:

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Beairng in mind those that can "do" and those of us that can't teach:uhoh:

You are the "microwave operator" on a standard day trip to Norway and the only difficulty of the day is that you are flying in a "short J"

Unfortunately on a mainly pax run, due to seats lost in vibration areas, the fuc@in thing is about as easy to trim as an eskimo's beaver:E :} and you arrive in destination to be faced with 40 odd "chuffed to fu@k cos they are going home" Marines and a stack of very light freight. The extremely capable, not to mention damnably attracrive, antipodeon DAMO loads the aircraft perfectly but, through no fault of her own the trim is almost in Sweden............but still legal:ok:

However on raising the ramp the carefully prepared palletised load, which should allow the satisfaction of the rules of ready access meanders slowly but inevitably towards 245, helping sort out the trim problems but completley blocking off the all singing and dancing electric bog:sad:

Do you........

a. Lower the ramp, tell afore mentioned babe that she couldn't load a shopping trolley and she had better get it fuc@in sorted toot sweet:}

b. Think "fu@k em" they are only grunts, even if they are mostly HUGE GRUNTS:p

c. Ask the pax if they think they will need said dumpster for the 3 hour leg home and greet the universal chorus of "just get us the fu@k out of here" with a sigh of relief:ok:

d. One hour into the 3 hour leg grin sheepishly at the Captain, who during the course of the day has consumed a french stick, a variety of other snacks followed by a quarter pounder with fries blah blah blah during the ground stop, and now needs desperatly to use the aforementioned cabin consumer facility:sad:

Then spend the next 3 hours grinning like a wan@ing jap watching him gradualy lower his seat further and further as the impending turtle, now makeing a concerted it's bid for freedom forces him higher and higher in his chair. And of course no one mentions porcelein in any way shape or form for the rest of the trip:E

al spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[November4]

BEagle et al

Not overly defending the pax staff as I have been embarrassed by the standard of pax handling at the covert Oxonian aerodrome on several occasions but they are fighting a bit of a losing battle with the rest of the station in providing services to the pax. For example ... it takes 2 hours to ground feed a full VC10 load of pax in the event of a delay and thats only if the pax can be transported to the Gateway during a meal time! and if MT can provide buses to ferry the pax to and from the Gateway.

Its all very well complaining on here annonymously about the lack of care but have you actually inofrmed the SAMO of the problems? He cannot do anything about a problem unless it is actually brought to his attention. Alternatively pass your comments to the DTMA standards staff and let them look into it.

But it's not all one sided though. On several inbound Hercs, I have been told to get off and not unload the pax bags by ALMs and Captains until they had left the aicraft. Even though the bags were on the ramp and we would not be interferring the front end crew leaving via the front. But then it only meant the pax had to wait another 15 miins for their bags.

[BEagle]

Certainly did have a discussion with the SAMO at the time! Mentioned that it didn't take rocket science to work out that the manifested load of woman and small children, plus our planned parking slot, plus the winter weather meant that transport would be needed.....

Mind you, I've also experienced the ridiculous ALM vs MAMS atmosphere in the past. Rarely were the MAMS teams those who caused it. Watching 3 lads huffing and puffing trying to load the pallets at Freetown, whilst the ALM tried to find a reason in the book not to bring home a merchant seaman being one of them. "He's coming with us - now give the MAMS chaps a hand" was my solution!

"As easy to trim as an Eskimo's beaver" - liked that line!!!

[Lionel Lion]

ABIW

Any knowledgable captain would know to use the white lunchbox (sans contents!) for a dump - as an infamous victor pilot used to quite regularly. Although I would advise not using the pepper flavoured serviette to wipe with.:D

[BEagle]

Ah yes - wee Jock poo-pong McPlop. Hope he's finished his potty training now that he flies airliners.....:uhoh:

Now that the thread has descended into the lavatorial:

I knew a chap once when I was on 58 Sqn who drank a few cups of coffeee too many before launching off on a LL trip in his FGA9 with 2x230 and 2x100 tanks full of fuel. Landed back a while later bursting for a pee; hobbled into the heads only to discover that the SE fitters had unfortunately managed to glue his immersion suit pee-tube together. He was thus faced with 2 alternatives - try to struggle out of immersion suit, internal g-suit etc with a bursting bladder or just say "Well f*ck it, the suit is u/s anyway...." and let fly!

Guess which option he chose!

Oh well, back to the thread. MAMS movers don't have a particularly enviable job (try Hannover in sticky Tcherman summer trying to load over 100 grunt bergens manually because the RAF's ancient Vickers Funbus doesn't use baggage bins!) - so cut them some slack. But as for the pratt of an ALM who took a football off a young Jockistani soldier on the grounds that it was a 'pressurised container'.....

[Reichman]

It still makes me laugh that paxing FJ mates have to put their LSJs in the VC10 hold because they have miniflares in them, when there are 4 identical LSJs on the flightdeck. And as for taking nail clippers off people before they board: Why not use the huge fire axe attached to the emergency slide by the rear passenger door?

Reichman

[Army Mover]

That always puzzled me about the military. We had our own little rule book for dangerous goods (JSP 335 ?), while the civvies have to struggle with the complexities of the ICAO technical instructions. So why does JSP 335 make it so hard for all concerned by requiring all passengers to package them as DAC, when they were designed to be worn inside an aircraft and it would appear that the majority of you pilots would be quite happy for them to fly wearing them. Yet we would allow a passenger to carry his bayonet/knife in his hand luggage (admittedly not anymore post 9/11). I was once summonsed to an arriving Tristar where a distraught Loadmaster explained one of my passengers had carved his initials in the arm of his seat - he claimed it was the RAF's fault for not letting him smoke !!! :eek:

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Right enough is enough:}

You lot with your mover banter **** off to the Movers v Loadies thread where this sort of exchange not only belongs but is extremely welcome:E

Back to the humour please SPHL

[Army Mover]

LOL - I can take a hint, but in my defence, I didn't start the DAC talk - I'm off, please carry on "Ascoting" or whatever it is you call it, it is quite funny (but please don't tell Sir Peteres wotsits). :ok:

Byeeeeeeeeee

[Echo 5]

ABIW,

Quite right. But WTF are you posting here when you know your talents are more appreciated on the "other" thread:hmm:

Can we have more about the lady in Norway please.:D

Regards

E5

[SirToppamHat]

I know a chap who was recovered to UK from the Falklands for compassionate reasons for 10 days (along with huge shopping list and a bag of cash from the guys on his mountain).

Said chap bought 30 Xmas crackers for the upcoming FIxmas celebrations. Got them home, but thought he ought to check with the people at a secret base somewhere in Oxfordshire that they weren't classed as DAC.

Eventually, he ended up speaking to a sqn ldr in 2 Gp who was the authority for such things. Explained situation, didn't want to cause trouble at the secret base somewhere in Oxfordshire, trying to anticipate and resolve problem beforehand rather than present at check-in.
The sqn ldr confirmed he could give authority for carriage, but was not prepared to do so. My friend very politely asked whether there was some specific rule governing carriage, precedent etc. The response? "I am saying no because I can."

OK says my friend, but if I remove the snaps, then I can presumably carry them on board? "No snags says Sqn Ldr W@nker, just ensure the box is clearly marked and can be opened for the movements staff to inspect.

My friend removed all the snaps, rolled them up individually in silver foil and inserted them in an envelope for safe keeping.

Friend's wife not aware, thinks friend has forgotten snaps and posts envelope to FI. Friend's ac delays. Next ac catches up. Late heliops etc etc. Arrives back at mountain. Delivers entire top 20 Playstation Games, ingredients for chef and so on. Sits down to be handed mail off the same heliops that delivered him, including, you guessed it, the snaps! :O

[DP Harvey]

You are the capt of a min crew on an Albert tour of the Med in the mid-80s. Your co-pilot, fresh off the OCU wearing his brand new red and black cravat, admits that he has never been to Akrotiri before. You decide to introduce the lad to a kebab and lots of Kokinelli. However, he is but a youth and not yet ready for such an adventure. The following morning it is clear to all, including the EU chap who jumps onboard to check the Eng, that young Bloggs is capable only of sitting in his seat and carrying out the simplest of tasks. After the en-route checks have been carried out you send Bloggs to the top bunk, hoping that he will be useful to you prior to the descent into Gutersloh.

Some time later, while an attractive air trafficker is sat in the RH seat, you realise that you need a pee. Do you:

a. Get the nav to wake up the co and get him back into his seat, thus losing the company of the air trafficker.

b. Cross your legs and continue to impress the air trafficker with your boundless wit and charm and hope that the pain will go away.

c. Quietly piss in your suit, while continuing to impress the air trafficker with your boundless wit and charm, knowing that the pain will go away.

d. Check that the autopilot is in beam and height modes and the Nav and Eng are happy and then quickly nip to the forward urinal, hoping that the EU Eng is onside and will not bubble you to his pilot mate at Upavon. Return to your seat and continue to impress the air trafficker with your boundless wit and charm, knowing that the pain has gone away.

Answer: You chose D. At Gut, the dastardly EU Eng does indeed bubble you and you get E Catted with the Eng and Nav (ALM down the back and unaware of incident). But, never mind, career later restored and you eventually become CFI on the OCU.

[BEagle]

OK - just the one 'DAC' tale then...

Trucky 10s weren't allowed to carry pax with 'DAC' on board, but as tankers didn't carry pax (just 'role support personnel'!), no such rule applied. One day we were tasked to train a 10 Sqn crew in the art of AAR trails - and off we set for Saudi Arabia in a virtually empty VC10 with just the crew, groundcrew and some MAMS folk. During the flight I asked what the DAC was. "It's here, sir", replied the ALM and so it was. It consisted of 3 tins of green vehicle paint! Now I'm sure that nowhere in Saudi Arabia is there any paint which has been tested by the Boscombe Down of the MT world down to 20 fathoms and up to outer space; hence Saudi vehicle paint cannot therefore be safely applied to HM's Landies, but why on Earth is there any need for f*****g green paint in the Kingdom of Saud? Isn't it a sort of deserty colour, in general?? Not much in the way of grass or trees, as I recall....

No doubt there was, at precisely the same time, some Army Quartermaster in a vehicle depot in Germany wondering who'd sent him tins of desert-pink paint?

[Ray Dahvectac]

Is that one 'DAC' story each.....?

The Nimrod crew paxing back from Akrotiri by Herc became rather bemused when told at the RAF Plod security check that they were not allowed to carry their dinghy knives on the leg of their flying suits.... step forward one very large, very angry, very bearded Sqn Ldr Det Cdr for a short and rather one-sided interview with Chief Plod. We carried the knives. :rolleyes:

...or the look of panic in the eyes of the same crew in April 1982 when, enroute to ASI, the very pretty Shiney 10 ALM was seen taking the pins out of the 4 x Sidewinders lashed to the rear cabin floor as they were labelled "Remove Before Flight" ! :hmm:

....Oops - that was two ! ;)

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

One each?

My 12 man expedition to Cyprus was offloaded at a couple of hours notice because of a single LSJ that had been requested at short notice by the Red Arrows. Bless 'em. :mad:

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Crikey. Firty farsand views, and only one short of 200 posts, although 100+ posts are from mad cretins.

I think I'll celebrate with a subject close to the heart of every Ascoteer


An a Professional Aviator you must be aware of the rules governing consumption of alcohol in the aviation world.

a) 2 Group Air Staff Order (GASO) 305.115
Crew members are not to take alcohol for a period of at least 12 hours before planned take off time.....alcohol consumption 24 hours before should be modest eg. no more than 2.5 pints of beer or the equivalent.

b) Aha! I know this one. Its Weight (kg) divided by your Height Squared (in metres)…er… deduct your age

c) Full English fry up and anti-kokkinelli serum at the Akrotiri aircrew feeder

d) No drinking within 150 feet of the aircraft :yuk:

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

200:p

You are getting hastily " the **** out of here" after a top night out in Camp Soooooooter..........god bless "Mr Bab-bloke":ok:

Aircraft is loaded in a military fashion, on time and all appears in order............Pilots chide with lots of hurry hurry calls.......lots of noise follows and suddenly you lurch into the air clawing for altitude and the welcoming safety from "dusty bins fireworks"

In the climb out, without any feckin warning the outside world suddenly lights up like midnight on the milleniumm, accompanied with the boom boom boom as the flares auto dispense...do you....

a. crane your neck left, right, up and down in a vain attempt to spot the incoming " **** you and all your infidel brothers":ooh:

b. sit there thinking **** it we are toast and the bitch now gets the house, cars, insurance policies and all the other things I worked so hard to get:}

c. wonder why your boxers have now taken on a remarkable resemblance to the threshold at Heathrow:uhoh:

d. Giggle and drool like a man demented, but still alive, as the Captain explains that in his fingers and thumbs attempt to reply to an airtraffic call he dropped his feckin clipboard which has punched out half the aircrafts bleedin counter measures:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Biggus]

DP Harvey

The EU Eng phoned his boss for advice when the aircraft landed in Germany, and the Capt was indeed E catted, but only once the aircraft had got back to Lyneham (thus avoiding the embarassing problem of trying to get it back to UK without a captain)!

It was not a min crew, although it only had two pilots, which I guess was your point. The co-pilot was not fresh off the OCU. The Nav and Eng were not E catted, although they had a firm interview with the headmaster with a book down their trousers!! The EU Eng watched it all happen, when he could have simply said..'I don't think thats a good idea captain..', and stopped it in its tracks. Therefore, if it was a flight safety risk (which it was), in my opinion the EU Eng should have taken an equal amount of flak for just standing there and letting it happen when he could have prevented it. Needless to say nothing happened to the EU eng!

But why let the truth get in the way of a good story!!

P.S The captain was one of the finest aviators I ever had the privelige of flying with, and a damned fine chap to boot!! (And I wasn't the nav with a book down my trousers!)

[Bullman]

Beags, fraid you are wrong on the Truckie VC10 not being able to carry pax with DAC, surely in your long and varied career you must have operated the Deci sched, and therefore carried a few cars between wildenrath and decimomannu ?:ok:

[BEagle]

No - I did very little grunt-and-trash hauling, thankfully. Just a couple of years or so. Hence I never carried any movers' cars ;)

OK - there were restrcitions on carrying certain categories of cargo with pax on board; in the AAR role we carried 'role support personnel' essential to the AAR trail rather than just 'passengers' - hence the cosmically important green vehicle paint was able to get to Saudi....

[DP Harvey]

Biggus,
Totally agree about the captain: top bloke. Regarding the finer details of my story, it was a long time ago.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Just bringing this back to the top to assist a computer illiterate colleague.

Can't think of anything witty to write from where I am at the moment. Damn these flies. :cool:

[Reichman]

Re: Movers' cars,

I was the co pilot in a VC10 many moons ago and was picking up the aircraft in Washington to bring it home (Ah, the good old Long Dulles). As we got off the bus to go to flight planning (remember when it was Page Aviation?) we spotted a Toyota MR2 on a condec about to be loaded onto the aircraft. The captain enquired about the car and was told it belonged to the DAMO who was returning home and was bringing his newly aquired car with him.

Well you can imagine the uproar when the captain odered the movers to offload it. the DAMO asked why, to which the captain told him he needed to put more fuel on the jet (The weather in UK was wide open). The clever mover had already checked the weather and the Jetplan and knew the captain didn't need the extra fuel so he called Ascot Ops. Ascot Ops said it was the captain's decision as to what fuel he put on the aircraft.

The mover then pleaded with the captain to take his car. The captain steadfastly refused. The mover then told the captain that he was being unreasonable and bloody minded. The captain grinned and agreed with him.

"Just like when you lot put a can of thinners on the Hong Kong jet and call it DAC so we can't take our wives on it."

"But that wasn't me," said the DAMO.

"You're a Mover aren't you? I've been waiting years to get my own back on one of you b******s."

IIRC the car was shipped back at the Mover's expense.

Still makes me smile when I think of it.

Reichman

[Bullman]

Ah Reichmann, still top of your class at CRM and social skills !!!!

:yuk:

[BEagle]

What a mean and spiteful thing to have done. Wouldn't it have been easier to have dangled the cherry of "OK - I'll take your car, but if ever any of us need a favour in return from you lot, we'll expect to get it, 'cos you'll owe us!".

This was an intelligent mover who had even bothered to check the JetPlan before arranging for the car to be loaded. So he knew that it wouldn't compromise the trip in any way and thought it not unreasonable to arrange for his car to be loaded.

I hope that such 'typical shiney' mentality has long been stamped out. Miserable $hit!

[Echo 5]

Reichman,

Individuals like you and your former captain invariably get their just desserts. I hope in your case it comes sooner rather than later.
For the guy's car to be offloaded was bad enough, for you to gloat about it does your credibility no good whatsoever.

[Blakey875]

Reichmann

Last year there was a 'to do' at Lyneham when HM Customs discovered that one Sqn was bringing back from Jersey on a regular basis a car belonging to some female who had no military connections. Seems she drove it straight off the aircraft and on to London, no air prep for her vehicle.

On the other hand if a pie eating Loadie discovers a minute tear in the polythene of an air prepped military vehicle there's an immediate stewards inquiry and threats of air/ground incident reports - double standards?.......

[Reichman]

A few points:

1. Beags - This was a revenge attack by the Captain, not a premeditated one. An intelligent Mover? Mayber asking the captain's permission would have been polite. Nice to see you still have the typical "I hate shineys" mentality.

2. Bullman - Even though I was just a v young an inexperienced co-pilot at the time, I agreed with his actions then as I agree with them now. What does the "C" in CRM stand for? Don't remember Movers being involved (I'm going straight to hell for that one!).

3. Echo 5 - Bleeding heart? See item 1. Having been at the receiving end of movers' "mean and spitefulness" since that episode it would seem your wish continues to come true. Oh, and I never claimed to have any sort of credibility.

4. Blakey875 - Sorry, can't comment on Herc stuff, I was 10s.

Luv, as always

Reichman

[Brain Potter]

Did someone mention "captain" and "just desserts"? - Just deserts, more like.

I threw a pushbike off at Dulles once.

Never did find my wallet.
:D

[c130 alm]

Blakey.

What on earth has that got to do with ascoteers multiple choice? Start a new thread and I can guarantee that I wont read it. Get a life.

[BEagle]

Reichman, I have no 'I hate shineys' mentality, but a dislike of the pomposity with which some (though by no means all) of the old style 10 Sqn mob went about their business.... 10 years or more ago, that is.

Why on earth should the Mover whose car it was need to ask 'permission' from the captain? That is indeed a 'typical shiney attitude'. A lawful load, correctly prepared and manifested - why should it need Acting Sqn Ldr Lardarse to give his 'permission'....?

Revenge attack? No, just abuse of his position. A shame that the Dulles RAFLO didn't book him and his crew into the cheapest, tattiest hotel around the next time they came to swagger around Washington.

If you don't think that 'Movers' have any part in your little world, suggest you think again. They are part of the team - as is everyone else in the mob. Treat them right, get the best out of them. Pi$$ them off and the task suffers. CRM extends beyond the flight deck. I hark back to the time I had to tell the ALM to give the people fighting pallets onto the jet at Freetown a hand, instead of sitting on his ar$e trying to find a reason in The Book not to bring a merchant seaman back to the UK from his operational deployment....

[Reichman]

Beags,

You never flew shineys in the "good old days". I did, and they were very good. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you're right.

The captain in question was not an "Acting Sqn Ldr Lardarse". He was a very experienced "proper" Sqn Ldr with a wide variety of types under his belt before he came to the 10, and he still flies today. I'm surprised at you throwing the insults about when you don't know the chap in question.

And no, I don't believe Movers have any part in my little world. They're a bit like the French; occasionally I've met a nice one but as a race I can't stand them.

Brain Potter

How was I to know that the 6 hotdogs and Mega Size Cherry Cheesecake was meant for the whole crew?

Reichman

[Brain Potter]

You are a VC10 captain on a detachment helping to enforce a no-fly zone.

As is customary whilst outbound to the refuelling area the crew are served with bacon and egg banjos by the ALM.

You fancy some ketchup on your banjo, and ask the ALM to bring some. You wait and wait, but with your breakfast going cold you are forced into eating it without a dollop of Heinz's finest.

Do you?

a. Forget about it; it wasn't important.

b. Think about offering to make the breakfasts yourself next time, thus ensuring that yours is just the way you like it. Realise that you can't be bothered, but mentally excuse yourself on the basis that monitoring the 3 other crew members flying the ac on a simple transit is more important. Forget about it.

c. Feel aggrieved that the ALM, with not a lot else to do, can't even get the breakfast right. Think about having a word, as he's been useless on the whole det. Decide that CRM is more important and forget about it.

d. Stare at the the full ketchup bottle now sat on the centre console, as it mocks you by posing a juxtapostion to your now empty plate. Lose your rag and take a swipe at the ketchup bottle sending it flying across the flight deck, almost hitting the Air Engineer. Fly the rest of the sortie in a silence as cold as your banjo would have been if you'd waited for the ketchup.

[Muppet Leader]

Mr Potter,

If your hypothetical VC10 Captain couldn’t operate the 7 P’s, he/she shouldn’t be in charge of a few million quid’s’ worth of Auntie Betties flying machine.

A. If the ketchup wasn’t important, why ask in the first place?
B. Think about making the breakfast next time but is too embarrassed to ask where the galley is, or how to operate it. Far too many buttons and switches. After all he hasn’t even worked out how to send text messages on his new mobile phone yet – that’s what he has a 12-year-old son for isn’t it?
C. Feel aggrieved that said 12 year old son could probably do better than his Heinz non application, suitcase lugging porter, oops sorry, ALM, could do.


Nice to know we are working as a team.

I remember the Ethiopian Famine Relief.
Re supply flights inbound from Akrotiri – organised by the good old Air Movements branch.

What did every operating crew come back to at the end of each flying day?

BBQ with shftalyia sausages, haloumi cheese, pita bread and a glass of kokinelli.

Come on. We’re all mates really.

7 P’s
( Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Pi55 Poor Performance )


:ok:

[FFP]

You mean the Loadie actually went flying on the det !!!! ;)

[Blakey875]

c130 alm

We'll have to get together some time and swop menus. Are you a microwave man or the good old oven?

[Reichman]

You are a VC10 captain on a trail coming back from, ooh I don't know, let's say Australia. During the take-off brief, which is done on headset, the female loadie and stewardess are gossiping next to the forward galley. They are wittering so loudly that you can here them over the intercomm. Do you?

a. Turn up the intercomm to drown out the cackling from down the back.

b. Ask the navigator to stick his head round the flight deck door and ask them to keep it down a bit.

c. Throw your headset onto the centre console, undo the straps and explode out of the seat like a breaching whale and yell at the top of your voice "Will you two keep it down to a dull f***ing roar back there!" - or words to that effect. Then strap back in whilst the co-pilot, navigator and flight engineer hold their imaginary handbags up to their chins and collectively go "Ooooh."

Mr Potter?

[StopStart]

Mr Potter........

:eek:

[Rude Kid]

As OC PMS you are tasked to reduce the amount of money the K fleet is spending, on Operation Get Big Dosh, at a comfy hotel near Akronelli. Do you:

a. Catch one of the 3 J models going there that week.

B. Catch one of the 2 VC10s going there that week.

c. Catch one of the 8 Tristars going there that week.

d. Claim you can't get a military seat there, fly out Club Class (at a cost of approx £800), stay in the same hotel as the aircrew and then suggest they move onto base for the one day in four that they are not actually night flying.

[Now a 'J' Bloke!!]

He could have had my seat on the slightly mighty 'J' last week. And I managed to stay on base too in the pampered surroundings of Block 102, surrounded by a medium cold slab of Charlie and a couple of big jugs!!!:ok:

Spent my own dosh, had a great kebab and staggered up the wiggly path to bed....the stuff of legends.:}

In fact, it was so good, I think I'll go there again next week!!:cool:

Regards to Most
SFS :O

[Echo 5]

von Reichman,

Bleeding heart ?.........ME !!...In your dreams sonny !

What I cannot stand is self opinionated shiney fleet bully boys who through their position try to impose their will on those they perceive as lesser mortals.
If that DAMO in Washington had had any backbone he would have told your chum to foxtrot oscar and get his arse in gear.
The car was a legitimate piece of indulgence freight and there was no requirement to seek the captains permission to fly it out.
If flight crews had carte blanche to decide what they will or will not take the whole job would become a crock of sh!t.

With regards to indulgence passengers - ie your chums family.Fortunately it is the movers who wave the magic wand and decide who will or will not travel and you will have to live with that.

Re your statement - "Having been at the receiving end of movers mean and spitefulness since that episode it would seem your wish continues to come true" - Hoorah.
It gives me great joy to think that perhaps on at least one occassion I have managed to f4ck up your day.With your attitude it is no more than you deserve.

[November4]

Reichman - you fly with the best captains

[Reichman]

Echo 5 - Thanks for that rather turgid diatribe, you've just proved my point about Movers.

November 4 - No longer on the 10 fleet, but yes I did fly with the best captains, and a few bad ones. Just like I've met a few good Movers.

Reichman

[Echo 5]

von Reichman,

And your point about Movers........is ?

[Reichman]

There is no point to movers.

[3xGreens]

Mr Reichman,

Just goes to show.Not only are you posting "off thread" you are a bigot and a prat.

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

lets move this to movers v loadies eh:ok:

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[BEagle]

Well, 'Reichman' is such a friendly little soul, isn't he?

From Drivers, Airframe point of view, personally I had more problems from some ALMs (though by no means all) then I ever had from Movements staffs.

A classic was the jobsworth who arrived at the ac long after the rest of the crew and announced that we needed to delay our AAR trip because he had to 'check the seats'. This was a no-pax AAR trip and the RV time seemed to mean nothing to him.

Another was the lazy old biddy who turned up in blues (late again) and expected to go flying as crew. Not that I saw the need for ALMs to wear flying suits to lurk in the back of a '10 on a domestic UK towline, but that was the rule and I couldn't turn a blind eye to it! Fortunately we had a keen young steward who was cabin supervisor qualified, so the ALM was told to dispatch and then get off the flight.

Then there was the ALM who refused to take a football belonging to a young grunt flying between Turnhouse and Hannover on the grounds that it was a 'pressurised container'.......

My early exposure to the breed was during a period waiting for my 10 OCU course back in 1983 when I used to go flying with the OCU QFIs. On one trip, this miserable old fool turned up, did the trim sheet, then sat in the back grumbling about everything and anything whilst reading the newspaper. His oh so demanding cabin service consisted of throwing the infamous S1 boxes at the crew and producing a single cup of tea in 3 hours....

I used to get a bit pi$$ed off with the pointless bickering between MALMs (usually) and some of the Movements folk - totally avoidable and symptomatic of the "I'm a Master - and considerably more important than yow" mentality......

Shall now step out of the ring and let you folk slug it out....

[Reichman]

Beags, I am friendly, you know I am. But just like you don't like shineys and loadies, I don't like movers - that's why they get bantered.

3xGreens - As you are now getting personal with your insults I'll assume you have reached your banter cut off point. And you smell.

And now back to the thread..........

....I think it was for Aircrew. ;)

[Bullman]

Reichmann, if you think that foul smelling stuff coming off your keyboard is "banter" then you are a sad lonely person who probably has his own stool in the mess !!!!

:yuk: :yuk:

[3xGreens]

Mr Reichman,

If you hadn't related that sad tale of your chums malicious act then E5 would not have kicked off but I'm sure that that was the bite you were looking for.
In deference to your feelings I have edited my last post and removed the word "total".

[Blakey875]

Beags.

Well said. I trained as a widebody dispatcher instructor at BA Cranebank in 1983 and what a different method of operating. Once you'd completed your Loadsheet/DAC paperwork etc you then went to the aircraft and dealt directly with the Acft Captain. No interference from the ALM who was desperately trying to find something wrong and score smarty points. The Cabin Staff (BA) knew nothing about weight and balance but were experts on emergency drills, first aid etc and above all the welfare of the passenger. Maybe's the RAF Transport Fleet could learn something?

[November4]

I don't like movers - that's why they get bantered

Once again someone posts an offensive comment and then claims it's only banter as an excuse.


And now back to the thread..........

....I think it was for Aircrew.

Think you'll find the thread was for people to relate stories where the multiple choice answer was D

Or did you mean yet again that because this is an "Aircrew" forum you should be able to post whatever you like and get away with it because anyone who is not aircrew shouldn't be reading it? :yuk:

[Reichman]

November4,

I say banter, you say offensive. Hard luck mate. Just because I don't agree with someone doesn't mean I'm going to slag them off with personal insults. We're all big boys and girls (some bigger than others). We're all entitled to our opinions, and these forums are where we get to air them. So, yes, I should be able to post what l like as long as it's not breaking any laws or pprune rules (which I'm sure I haven't). If you don't like it come up with a witty retort or a reasoned argument.

3xGreens,

The bate is easily taken these days. Feelings intact mate.

Bullman,

Is that the best you can come up with?

Back to the thread?

[Prop-Ed]

What the hell happened to this thread!?

There was a time i could click to "last page" and have a good old chuckle at the latest adventures of my fellow Ascoteers ......

Shame on you all.....

To re-establish this as a top thread, do we:

A: continue with the current style of reply (not a multiple choice in site)?

B: Make anyone who has fallen out with all the bad vibe posts, kiss and make up?

C: Cut our losses and start again?

D: Only post humorous replies containing splendid acts and deeds executed by the queens finest Ascoteering mates delivered in a multiple choice styleie where the correct answer is ALWAYS D?

[Now a 'J' Bloke!!]

Hi Gang;

I think ABIW asked to move this to...

A..The movers thread:ouch:

B...The loadies thread:}

C...Stinky K Nav thread:sad:

D..The movers v Loadies thread:ok:

Oh, and Beags, we're not all Masters and sometimes the pilots are a wee bit precious too!!!:uhoh:

Regards...
SFS
:p

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

USA nightstop. The CoPilot unfortunately has had to report sick. Unfit to fly.

What happens now?

a) You phone @rsecot Ops and inform them of the situation, and without question, they give you a 24 Hr delay.

b) Next day, the CoPilot is still poorly and another 24 Hr delay is granted. More shopping!

c) Day 3. No change.

d) Day 4. Ascot Ops casually enquire as to the nature of the CoPilots illness. You admit that perhaps another CoPilot is required as yours has.....BROKEN HIS LEG!!

[johnfairr]

Ah, SPHLC,

What a pleasure it is to find some decent posts again. Glad you are back online from wherever Teflon "Wars'R'Us" Tone sent you, in one piece! More power to your keyboard!

:ok: :ok: :ok:

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Not yet back in one piece! Enjoying the benefits of an Operational Welfare Package (OWP) of free internet and a 20 min phonecard. Whereas the Dutch are on double salary and the Spams are getting their income tax back.

Serving alongside Tactical Medical Wing (TMW), Tactical Communications Wing (TCW), Tactical Supply Wing (TSW), er...Deployed Admin Group? (DAG) Basically, with a load of very important people who make the rules, and have got all the vehicles. (4WD's)

This mornings latest order? (sponsor: SWO) Tent city (TDA) is a salute free zone, however, hats must be worn when driving MT vehicles. Except on the aircraft dispersal, (and in the tent city salute free zone) So make sure you have your hat handy for the 400 yds between the two.

I love my job. :{

PS. Last weeks order. Open toe'd sandals and flip flops are not permitted in the mess tent (something to do with hygene) This order has now been rescinded after the 'Locally Employed Civilians' (LEC's) spent their locally approved footware allowance on food for their kids.

That's it. I'm off to the Designated Smoking Area. (DSA) God help us all.

[FFP]

Mind you SPHLC, you must be able to smell the Pizza Hut from where you are !!!!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I am not he - it is I, StopStart.
Mr SPHLC has made the most basic of all Welfare Internet errors. The failure to logout.

Anyway, you can almost smell the pizza hut from here. I'm not wearing sandals but I did just salute a man who was. I wasn't wearing a hat but then I was in the mess tent. I had washed my hands in the approved manner and I didn't take any food back to the tents. Except this sandwich. I didn't take more than two cans of beer because fridge is already full of them. I didn't use the showers by Ships Routine (or whatever it's called) as I suspect this involves having another gentleman in the shower with you but I did flush the toilet long enough to prevent blockages. I didn't play music in the gym above level 17 after 2230 but i did in the designated smoking area.

Fight Club anyone? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

Actually I have nothing amusing or constructive to add to this thread I'm afraid; I'm just trying to put off returning to my tent where the aircon units are set to maintain the temperature at exactly 15 degrees off comfortable. As it's about 15deg outside now, the tent is 0 degC. If only I could be arsed to switch it off.....ah well.

Mr SPHLC. Remember. When operating in threat environment such as this, always always always log off the Welfare Internet.

what the hell is ramrod?

Race ya! :ok:

[Box Office]

Any camel spiders had a nibble on your twig and berries?:}

[TAC Queen]

SPHLC
Have you found the bench (giggle giggle) yet now you are back in the sand?
Is it just like thumrait all over gain or is it filled with people who are even more important that that lot were.
Just remember the days of the BITHICUS and keep smiling.
I would deploy sooner but it seams you have to complete 3 years of IDT and IRT and CCS before you can deploy. I do under stand the need for pre deployment training as it must have all changed completely since February.

Q
You have just arrived at a FOB after being down the back of Albert for some 16 hours. As you put your stretcher in the land rover it goes a bit too far and is now protruding from the windscreen.
Do you
A. Report it immediately to MT and fill out a FMT3
B. Remove object and cover hole with bodge tape like a good GE and pretend nothing happened.
C. Leave hole visible and deny everything.
D. Drive to MT in Land rover and park it around the back, Ask for MT orders and read every page in front of the MTO. Sign MTO's and get 600 signed by MT. Then tell them you have had a little accident but at least you have a current 600. Sit back and watch them explode.

[November4]

You are tasked to bring a load - well whole Albert load - explosives back to Lye. You are due to land around the same time that a beer call is due to start. Having that much bang on board means that you will have to and might miss some of the free drinks.

Do you....

a. With that much bang on board you park at TFD but that will mean missing most of the beer by the time you get over the airfield.

b. Park at a remote bay that is licenced for DAC but not as much as you are carrying|?

c. Park somewhere else

d. Say that you have 4 pallets of general frieght on board, park near to the terminal, refuse to let the DAMO on aboard, argue that the pallets are really gen freight even though there 1.1 hazard labels showing and refuse to move the aircraft to a licenced bay.

As you have said that there is no DAC on board there is no fire cover provided. When it arrives attracting the attention of the Station Commander who wanders down to see what is happening. Discuss with Harry why you are parked there, move the aircraft to TFD and not get to the ball at all Cinders and instead have a one way chat with the Staish about how you didnt know that there was bang on board.

[albert the first]

Fight Club Sunday Night usual place!

TQ - Yeah its abit like TTH without the humour M8, however there is a Pizza Hut.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

'Top Cover' post deleted! (by me)

Waiting for dust to settle after further transgressions.


It's just the depth that varies. :}