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BRL
14th May 2003, 20:42
Classic lines from the great man himself........ Enjoy :)

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want
to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,
the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt
my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Loki
15th May 2003, 01:28
" I slept like a log last night, I woke up in the fireplace"

Ozzy
15th May 2003, 01:39
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.

'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Ozzy

RiskyRossco
11th Jun 2003, 10:58
The quickest way to his heart, she found, wasn't through his stomach - it was through his chest.

Television criticism is like describing an accident to an eyewitness.

She had her face lifted but found out there was another just like it underneath.

The Russian scientist who tried to make a clone from DNA stolen from Miss Universe, who then created a horrible and disgusting blob and then threw it off a cliff has been arrested in St Petersburg. Policce charged him with making an obscene clone fall.


* * * Notes from a small island * * *

SilentHandover
11th Jun 2003, 16:55
Two blokes in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army?



The one sitting on the tank.

I thank you, good night, we're here till tuesday be good to your waitress and good night again!!!

VFE
11th Jun 2003, 18:58
1 A bloke walks into a bar........... and shouts "OUCH!". :D

2 A bloke goes to the library to get a book on commiting suicide. The librarian tells him where all the commiting suicide books are but there appears to be none on the shelf.

"They never bring 'em back!" explains the librarian.

3 What did the bus driver say to the bloke with no arms or legs waiting at the bus stop?

"How ya getting on mate?!"

4 What'dya call a vicar on a motorbike?

Rev!

5 Guy goes to his doctors, doctor gives him three months to live, guy can't pay all his bills, doctor gives him another 3 months!

VFE. :cool:

fokker
11th Jun 2003, 19:15
I got in the other night and my wife's sitting in the kitchen in floods of tears. So I say, "What's the matter?".

"I'm home sick", she says.

"But this is your home".

"I know" she says, "and I'm sick of it"

MMEMatty
11th Jun 2003, 19:48
Went to the toilet last night, as i opened the door the light turned on. Thinking it was God finally being good to me, i done the deed and then went back to bed.

Telling the trouble and strife about it the next day she said "You stupid old :mad: you've been peeing in the fride again!"

Matty

CBLong
11th Jun 2003, 20:07
Man phones his boss and says "I can't come to work today, I'm sick". Boss says, "Sorry to hear that, how sick are you?". Man says, "well, I'm in bed with my sister...".

Shaggy Sheep Driver
11th Jun 2003, 20:21
I was clearing out the loft the other day when I found an oil painting and a violin, so I took them to be valued.

"What you have here", said the valuer, "is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt".

So I thought I was really in the money. But unfortunately, Stradivarius is a lousy painter and Rembrandt made cr*p violins.


SSD

simon brown
12th Jun 2003, 00:11
I was driving along one day, and the boss phoned me up and I swerved.

He phoned me up again ..and I swerved...

Finally he phoned me up to tell me I'd been promoted,

I careered off the road...

(or something like that)

Miserlou
12th Jun 2003, 04:28
I met my wife in Australia.

I said, "What the hell are you doing here, ya b*tch!"

GotTheTshirt
12th Jun 2003, 05:02
A VAMPIRE BAT CAME FLAPPING IN FROM THE NIGHT COVERED IN FRESH BLOOD AND PARKED HIMSELF ON THE ROOF ON THE CAVE TO GET SOME SLEEP.
PRETTY SOON ALL THE OTHER BATS SMELLED THE BLOOD AND BEGAN HASSLING HIM WHERE HE GOT IT. HE TOLD THEM TO BUG OFF AND LET HIM SLEEP BUT THEY PERSISTED UNTIL HE FINALLY GAVE IN.
“OK FOLLOW ME" HE SAID AND FLEW OUT OF THE CAVE WITH HUNDREDS OF
BATS BEHIND HIM. DOWN THROUGH THE VALLEY THEY WENT, ACROSS A RIVER AND INTO A FOREST FULL OF FULL OF TREES. FINALLY HE SLOWED DOWN AND ALL THE OTHER BATS GATHERED A ROUND HIM.
“NOW DO YOU SEE THAT TREE 0VER THERE? " HE ASKED
“YES, YES, YES “ THE BATS ALL SCREAMED IN A FRENZY.
“GOOD” SAID THE BLOODY BAT,
“BECAUSE I DIDN’T !”

:cool:

A Very Civil Pilot
12th Jun 2003, 05:12
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.......he was furious.

Ozzy
12th Jun 2003, 05:19
I went into the butchers the other day and asked if he had pigs feet. He said he did. So I said, well trot over there Porky and get me a pound of sausages.

Ozzy

EyesToTheSkies
13th Jun 2003, 03:24
I was wondering, if I went to my local Honda dealership to pick up my new car, would I be able to look forward to a Civic reception??

:O

boeingbus2002
13th Jun 2003, 06:43
Three blokes walk into a bar.
You have thought one of them would have seen it..
:8

Anthony Carn
13th Jun 2003, 15:10
if I went to my local Honda dealership to pick up my new car, would I be able to look forward to a Civic reception??
Not if the salesman was of a Sunny disposition (sorry, that's a Carnism . :O)

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This bloke is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.


It was a different elephant.


:} AHAAAHAAAAHAAA ! It makes me laugh and I've heard it !

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One of his very best and apparently true .......

The Queen is introduced to Tommy after a Royal Variety performance (I think)

The conversation goes something like.........


Tommy -- "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question ?"
Queen -- "No"
"Do you like football ?"
"Not really "
"In that case, can I have your Cup Final ticket ?"

:}