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spud's on the job
13th May 2003, 17:10
Can an expert on toilet etiquette please advise on the correct procedure for this scenario:

Upon entering the toilets needing to ‘sit down’ I see my boss ‘Standing up’ no words are exchanged but he has seen me, as I enter the trap.

Do I wait until he has left the toilets before engaging, or do I start, with associated noises, given that I have lost my anonymity.

Also what happens if you do ‘enter the hold’ and then other toileteers come in. How do you keep up with who’s who from behind the door to know when your boss has definitely left, and not one of the new entrants that may have only come in on a quick turnround.

Once you do engage, why does it always seem to take an excessive amount of time, including the never ending wipr, so that when you return to your seat your boss gives you THAT look as if to say ‘Jesus that was a long one’

Biggles Flies Undone
13th May 2003, 17:16
Ahhhhhh another opportunity to trot out an old favourite :D


TOILET TYPES


COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the dump hits the water and the dump is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the dump has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER:
A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet dumper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET dumper before entering the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It's uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
(Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

SAFE HAVEN:
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.

THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN):
This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET dumpers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

TURD SPOILER:
A dumper who does not realise that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD SPOILER leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD SPOILERS have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

WATERMELON:
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD SPOILERS that you occupy a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phoney cough, which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD SPOILERS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

HAVANA OMELET:
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED:
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

maggioneato
13th May 2003, 17:48
BFU, that is so funny, think I will post it on the back of the loo door at the airfield. I suspect there will be some who don't approve. Tough.

Grainger
13th May 2003, 18:21
Great stuff, BFU - although I think you forgot the PEBBLEDASH, the RASPER, the SNEAKY SILENT STINKER and of course the KLINGON :eek: :eek: :eek:

Biggles Flies Undone
13th May 2003, 18:26
Feel free to write them up Grainger - I'll add them to my list :ok:

FlyingForFun
13th May 2003, 20:28
Spud,

Why don't you have a quiet word with your Property Management team, and try to get them to build your boss his own private toilet, thus eliminating these embarassing situations?

On the subject of spending a long time "sitting down", I find a good solution is to walk out of the toilet waving your had behind your back, and saying, in a too-loud voice, "Boy, that was a bad one. I wouldn't go in there for at least three hours if I were you." You'll find no one mentions the length of your stay to you if you get in there first.

FFF
-------------

simon brown
13th May 2003, 20:35
I remember where I used to work, all the toilets on each floor backed out onto a light well, where the windows were invariably ajar. I used to sit there and you would hear the various "contributions" from other participants having their 11am constitutional. Sometimes it was like the anal equivalent of "Dualing Banjos" from that film "Deliverance":E :ok:

Ausatco
13th May 2003, 21:58
Spud

The Bog is a great leveller - a reminder to everyone that regardless of the socio-economic stratum of the origin the sh!t still stinks.

As for your immediate predicament - as the Nike man says, Just do it!

AA

Buster Hyman
13th May 2003, 22:22
This reminds me of a debate we once had, down at the cricket club.

Do you sit or stand when...err..."removing Klingons"?:O :O :O :ouch:

Grainger
13th May 2003, 23:28
THE PEBBLEDASH:
Similar in origin to the HAVANA OMELET, the PEBBLEDASH is a semi-liquid slurry containing a large number of small solid globules. Usually preceeded by a prolonged build-up of intestinal gas. When the pressure finally lets rip this mixture is propelled at high velocity, coating any and all surfaces in its path. You have been warned !

THE RASPER:
A full throttle escape of gas that reverberates particularly well in a tiled stall. Earplugs are more necessary than noseplugs with this one.

THE SNEAKY SILENT STINKER:
Opposite of the RASPER, the SSS escapes with barely a sound, but boy, does it stink ! This one will clear the room faster than a bucket full of rattlesnakes. If you act really nonchalant you might just get away with it but chances are, everyone will know it was you !

THE KLINGON:
You know you've got one of these when you're on your second roll and it's still stuck. Even the Starship Enterprise couldn't wipe one of these out. Eat more bran !

pigboat
14th May 2003, 02:27
Anyone can create their own and share with others.
http://www.createafart.com/index.asp :cool:

OzPax1
14th May 2003, 03:56
And when caught short on the road there is always the....BumperDumper....!!! (http://www.bumperdumper.com)

Evanelpus
14th May 2003, 23:48
We have a lady cleaner that looks after our loos. There I was, strides down, doing the business when this almighty fart escaped. Didn't think much of it until I went to wash my hands, there she was cleaning the wash basins..........red face, exit stage left.

Biggles Flies Undone
14th May 2003, 23:54
Grainger - good work! :ok:

Evanelpus - that's nothing! I recall an occasion in the Roi d'Espagne (Grand Place, Brussels) when I was taking a pee and the lady in charge of les toilettes decided to lean across and polish the pissoir while I was still pissoir-ing. Talk about losing one's concentration!

Chaffers
14th May 2003, 23:57
If anyone wishes to have somewhat more time spent in the sit and delivery pose than normal then I can heartily recommend Tesco's extra value Muesli. £0.50 a time for about a kilogram, it would keep an elephant occupied for a good twenty minutes. Supposedly healthy too but you can't have everything.

Evanelpus
15th May 2003, 00:00
Hey BFU, good job she didn't hold her hand out for a tip...... you are way ahead of me now!!

Anthony Carn
15th May 2003, 15:51
She could have squeezed you for everything you've got.

chippy63
15th May 2003, 19:14
Grainger,

The Pebledash can be mitigated by the Pre-emptive Flush, executed as soon as the stall has been entered and secured, thus reducing adhesion to the porcelain. During a prolonged dump, it may be appropriate to execute a Maintenance Flush.

I am sure that all ppruners, as part of the pre-dump checks, ensure that there is a plentiful supply of bogroll before commencing operations.

acmi48
15th May 2003, 20:22
the water melon also equates to a -barnes wallis- a particular
large turd that hits the water with a loud splash and soaks your undercarriage

Grainger
15th May 2003, 20:26
Chippy: Just pray that during those checks you never come face to face with THE LURKER :eek:

The mother of all jobbies, the LURKER is your worst nightmare. Left there by a previous occupant, this is one huge turd that no amount of PRE-EMPTIVE FLUSHING will dislodge. Frequently accompanied by a stink rivalled only by the SSS your only route to safety is immediate retreat ! No-one will believe it wasn't you, so get out of the stall NOW before a queue forms or you will be the one doing the WALK OF SHAME.

chippy63
16th May 2003, 16:00
Excellent point, Grainger, you would think some of those Lurkers were made of cork, they are so persistent.

maxman
16th May 2003, 21:45
To add to your point Grainger.

With said Lurker, why is there never any bog roll down there with it !!!. Was the "Lurkee" so proud of it, that he didn't want to spoil the composition:yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk:

Shaggy Sheep Driver
16th May 2003, 22:09
Years ago my boss was on a course, and at break time went for a dump. The bogs were pretty crowded with all the attendees making best use of the break time. Once ensconced on the throne, draws round ankles, my boss realised that the door hadn't locked because the bolt was not in line with the bolt hole. So being a technical type he leans forward, grasps the bottom edge of the door, and lifts it to alighn bolt with hole.

But he overdoes it, lifts it clean off its hinges, and it falls outwards onto the bog floor with a mighty bang, leaving boss on full and very embarrasing view.

SSD

bids
16th May 2003, 22:09
my local often has a lurker in the pan....not because its a floater....but because its one of those 'examine your own' european toilets and the person patently just couldn't be bothered. They have been known to render the stall useless for at least 2 hours before someone will go and flush it. And as the interesting point above pointed out....i've never seen loo roll on it.

p.s this is in the lasses bogs!

G-ALAN
17th May 2003, 05:25
Grainger you forgot to mention one very important one! THE BEER DUMP : no matter if you have had 2 or 20, this one always comes out very runny with ALOT of sound effects and smells worse than 10 dead rats!! worst of all it does not stop!

Talking of lurkers I was in the house of an old girlfriend and I had to take a p!ss, unfortunatley her brother had been in just before me and had left a lovley present, a lurker! so I decided to take the p and flush them both away. Anyway I flushed 3 times and the bloody thing did not shift so I decided to leave it and of course what happens but my girl goes into the toilet after me with this giant lurker staring up at her!

Ozzy
17th May 2003, 07:31
What is required is a jobbee weecha. Which leads into a story about an unfortunate Spanish gentleman ending up falling into a grass verge in a posh suburb of Edinburgh (Corstorphan) and how it relates to in flight mishaps....

Ozzy

HotDog
17th May 2003, 10:39
What creates the stink is methane gas. If you light a match after you have flushed, let it burn all the way down. It will consume all the methane and presto, no more smell. Lighting a candle during the proceedings is even more effective.

timmcat
17th May 2003, 17:00
Having had the misfortune of leashing the occasional Lurker, I deem myself an expert in handling the offensive item.

Firstly, early identification is a must. Its no good wondering why everyone has gathered outside the cubicle to giggle when you about to commence pointless flush number 17. If one suspects that a Lurker has been deposited, try a dummy maintenance flush. If suspicions are confirmed, wait 5 minutes, try once more, then wait until the 'cloakroom' sounds vacant, open cubicle, find a suitable vessel (waste bin a good bet), fill it with water, re-enter cubicle, stand on the seat (taking great care not to slip and end up with aforesaid item lurking on the end of your size 9's) and drop the water from the highest height possible as fast as possible (whilst keeping reasonable accuracy).

Works every time.

tu chan go
18th May 2003, 00:12
I heard this from a navy mate who swears it is true.

A Type 42 was off to the Gulf on Armilla Patrol and the wardroom decided to have a longest stool contest. They all put £5 into the kitty and the producer of the longest stool before their return to Blighty would win the prize. The rules were simple: if you thought you had a winner, you had to have a witness! This meant a mad dash to the wardroom to find someone to look at it. This was a worrying time for a prospective competitor cos if someone else found it waiting for confirmation, he could flush it away.

Anyway, about 2 months into the cruise, a Sub Lt walked into the wardroom and stated that he had a winner and would the boys like to see it. They all started to head for the heads (sic!) but he said,"No, it is in my cabin". The boys thought this was a bit strange but went along anyway. In his cabin there was a turd about 3 ft long curled up in his sink! Knowing that no-one human could possibly beat it, he was awarded the kitty as his prize.

One week before arriving back in UK, the subbie admitted that he had cheated. He had crapped in a plastic bag for 3 weeks and kept it in his wardrobe. When he had collected enough, he snipped a corner off the bag and piped it into his sink. The boys let him keep the money as anyone so devious deserved to win!

LordGrumpy
18th May 2003, 07:26
the water melon also equates to a -barnes wallis

Well it is 60 years since 617 squadron did what they did.

Barnes Wallis attempted to cause a halt with minimal colateral damage, with the upkeep bomb.

You who would use his name within this thread, should read history and not come back...............

Only they that know the true depth of their guilt, will understand the offence caused. Ignorance is no excuse.

Moderator. do what is needed. There is no need to cojoin toilet jokes and the desire of some to create freedom for their others.