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Mishandled
9th May 2003, 00:46
End this madness, it'll all end in tears you know.

redsnail
9th May 2003, 00:55
I speeet on your Eenglish Monty Python rubbeesh.

Charlie Foxtrot India
9th May 2003, 00:56
Stop that, it's silly.

Shaggy Sheep Driver
9th May 2003, 01:03
Oh, all right then.

"And now for something completely different..."

SSD

Biggles Flies Undone
9th May 2003, 01:08
Not Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson perchance?

Flypuppy
9th May 2003, 01:11
You don't frighten us, pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you! I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Grainger
9th May 2003, 02:12
Mishandled eunt domus.....

Caslance
9th May 2003, 03:05
We want.......a shrubbery!!!

Nyi!

Rollingthunder
9th May 2003, 03:17
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca-- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.

PaperTiger
9th May 2003, 04:30
Where's Spiny Norman when we need him ?

bubba zanetti
9th May 2003, 04:45
"Fire Mrs. Nesbit!"

HugMonster
9th May 2003, 05:01
And now it's time for the penguin on top of your television to explode.

Grainger
9th May 2003, 05:41
"ooohhh you lucky bastard"

yggorf
9th May 2003, 05:53
Bigus dickus ?:O

Ozzy
9th May 2003, 05:56
Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

Ozzy

BALIX
9th May 2003, 05:58
Why do they titter so???

fourthreethree
9th May 2003, 07:11
No, no, no, you're supposed to haggle. "Ten for that you must be mad"

Chaffers
9th May 2003, 07:14
Bwing out...The Thethen Thcwibes oth Thesaria!!

BlueDiamond
9th May 2003, 08:38
Here comes another one ....

I'm sorry, I have a cold.

Just like the other one ...

I like traffic lights.

When will it ever end ???

Jet Dragon
9th May 2003, 08:53
I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!!

Out Of Trim
9th May 2003, 08:54
"How shall we go away - lord?":cool:

Charlie Foxtrot India
9th May 2003, 09:51
It's all very well making fun of the military.

Sid Departure
9th May 2003, 10:21
Are there any women here?

flyboy6876
9th May 2003, 11:47
It is an ex parrot

Tolsti
9th May 2003, 15:54
You're all individuals............

except for me

9th May 2003, 16:41
Have you noticed how desparate they all are to talk about pythons, that they'll go to great lengths, even starting their own thread, just to be first. !!! You could just play the game like everybody else.

greatorex
9th May 2003, 18:02
He'll be having a go at the birds next!!!

HugMonster
9th May 2003, 18:10
Hmmmm - looks like a penguin

foghorn
9th May 2003, 18:52
Is that Curry's? I want a new brain please.

OneWorld22
9th May 2003, 18:53
"The administrator is here Doctor,"

"Switch everything on!"

"Ah, the machine that goes, Ping!,
You see we leased this back from the company we sold it to, so that way it comes under current expenditure.. and not the capital account!!"

Applause.....

Parapunter
9th May 2003, 21:52
I've got plenty more round the back.

Charlie Foxtrot India
9th May 2003, 22:14
See, this is what happens when you light the grail-shaped beacon!

Oh naughty, wicked Zoot!

George Dicer
9th May 2003, 23:03
If this nonsense does not stop now I will thwow you all to the gwound and I will NOT wilease Wodger!

Caslance
10th May 2003, 01:41
Desist, you wagged wabble of woudy webels!

Sid Departure
10th May 2003, 09:51
".....eez making it up as he goes along."

witchdoctor
10th May 2003, 21:51
Right! Who posted that? Are there any women here?

Does my fwends name amuse you Centuwion? Biggus Dickus!

I'm not dead.
You're not fooling anyone you know!

HugMonster
10th May 2003, 22:00
I told them it was the rabbit...:rolleyes:

Hagbard the Amateur
10th May 2003, 22:00
"Ooo's that then?"

"It's a king"

"How do you know?"

"He's not covered in 5hit"

---------

"Just because some watery tart threw a sword at you..."

SuperOwl
11th May 2003, 00:33
She's called.....Incontinentia.

wobblyprop
11th May 2003, 03:54
He's not the messiah! He's a very naughty boy!

Ozzy
11th May 2003, 04:38
So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris

Grainger
11th May 2003, 05:31
It's .......... an Ocarina, Sir.... :O

AntiCrash
11th May 2003, 05:38
See here, neither Mrs C.J.or myself got where we are today by not continueing all this Python rubbish.:E

clevis pin
11th May 2003, 07:28
And what did the Romans every do for us ? ..............................

BALIX
11th May 2003, 07:30
And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana shaped.

This new learning amazes me Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

SuperOwl
11th May 2003, 08:42
I'm an old man, I cannot see. My eyes are grey ,my hair is bent.............(can't remember the rest)

Secret Squire
11th May 2003, 08:57
death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth!!!

=====================================

we can commit suicide within 30 seconds

squad, commit suicide

<all die>

look, all dead

<pause>

hey, your alive!

and you, and you, you too?

is anyone dead???

we thought it was just a practice!

:ok:

Sid Departure
12th May 2003, 18:44
Right you lot, stop that!

fourthreethree
12th May 2003, 19:18
WHAT is your favourite colour?
Blue
WHAT is your favourite number?
4
WHAT is the average speed of a swallow during winter migration?
Is that an African swallow or a European swallow?
I don't know....WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA......

CR2
12th May 2003, 19:28
Brian: "Who cured you?"

Ex-leper: "Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder."

Brian: "Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?"

Ex-leper: "Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--"

Mandy: "Brian! Come and clean your room out."

Brian: "There you are."

Ex-leper: "Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?"

Brian: "There's no pleasing some people."

Ex-leper: "That's just what Jesus said, sir."

wobblyprop
12th May 2003, 21:22
Mrs Cohen: Now leave that welsh tart alone.
Brian : But I don't really want to, mum.

:E

astir 8
12th May 2003, 21:32
And now for something completely different

Seagoon

"Eccles, put that big iron ball that you've just chained to your leg into this cannon"

Boom

Eccles

"Look, there it goe.... OOOOOOOH"



Back to the thread

"If I said I was king because some watery tart had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away"

"And no singing"

Inverted81
12th May 2003, 21:48
bring out your dead!

i'm not quite dead..... i'm getting better!

___________________________________________________

AH go on misseur, its only jus' one waffer fin mint....

___________________________________________________

....... for today i feel i want a french tickler!! :)

CR2
12th May 2003, 22:24
ARTHUR: Well, I am king!
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting-- By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

Ozzy
12th May 2003, 22:35
JUDITH: I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.

REG: Agreed. Francis?

FRANCIS: Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--

STAN: Or woman.

FRANCIS: Or woman... to rid himself--

STAN: Or herself.

FRANCIS: Or herself.

REG: Agreed.

FRANCIS: Thank you, brother.

STAN: Or sister.

FRANCIS: Or sister. Where was I?

REG: I think you'd finished.

FRANCIS: Oh. Right.

REG: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--

STAN: Or woman.

REG: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.

STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

FRANCIS: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

STAN: I want to be one.

REG: What?

STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.

REG: What?!

LORETTA: It's my right as a man.

JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

LORETTA: I want to have babies.

REG: You want to have babies?!

LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

REG: But... you can't have babies.

LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.

REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! -- Where's the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!

LORETTA: [crying]

JUDITH: Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.

FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.

Ozzy

VTOL
12th May 2003, 23:26
"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony."

"Running away eh? You yellow b*st*rds. You'll get what's coming to you. Come here, I'll bite your legs off!"

:D

Just an other number
13th May 2003, 00:15
Well...

My name is Angus Proon
And this is my tune
It goes
I S I R T A
I'm sorry I'll read that again
I sit in my bath
And I have a good laugh
Cos the sig tune is named afer me...

Now can any one tell me why the three point turn?
Think carefully.

DistantRumble
13th May 2003, 00:51
Bells chiming

country house.

Man enters : " Trouble at Mill"

Woman : "What kind of trouble ? "

Man : "I don't know, I was only told to come here and say 'Trouble at Mill' . I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition"


Cue loud ripping noise.

"NOOOOOOBODDDY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"

**********************************************


Scene 2 : Well, theres Egg,Spam,Spam,Spam, and Spam. That hasn't got much spam in it.....

Biggles Flies Undone
13th May 2003, 00:56
this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage

astir 8
16th May 2003, 22:53
Your name too vill go on ze list

Vot is it?

Ozzy
16th May 2003, 23:11
To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death for me.

Ozzy

AntiCrash
18th May 2003, 11:54
It's a long piece of paper with allot of names on it but that's not important now.;)

Simtech
18th May 2003, 15:45
My brain hurts! :\

Charlie Foxtrot India
18th May 2003, 16:07
I wouldn't become a mason if you got down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me.

Apollo101
18th May 2003, 16:52
"Stop That.....that's silly. And that man is not a vicar. Those aren't even proper keep left signs. RIGHT! Now it's time for some precise millitary drill."
:p

Ughhh...I'm not very smart but I can lift heavy weights!!

Charlie Foxtrot India
18th May 2003, 18:12
Policemen make very good friends.

RiskyRossco
18th May 2003, 19:10
Yokel (leaning on rail): "See, Cyril's one of those most dangerous of animals - a smart sheep. See how he's teaching those lambs to fly?"

< 'baaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh- SPLAT!>

Well-dressed gent: "Why don't you stop him!?"


Yokel: "Because of the enormous economic potential should he succeed."
------------

"Our main weapon is fear....... and surprise!.... our two main weapons are fear and surprise.. and a ruthless efficiency!.... our THREE main weapons are......"

--------------

.... ".. listen mate, your nose going to be three foot wide across your face!"

-----------

"Brave, brave Sir Robin! Bravely turned and ran away!"

Islander Jock
20th May 2003, 19:33
I've got no choice but to sell you all off for scientific experiments.

and

We'll take the foreplay as read - if that's alright with you darling?:ouch:

kishna
20th May 2003, 20:54
".......blessed are the Cheese Makers......"

Firestorm
20th May 2003, 21:19
Shut up Big Nose!

Ozzy
21st May 2003, 01:30
WORLD FORUM

Good evening. Tonight on World Forum we are deeply privileged to have with us Karl Marx, the founder of modern socialism and author of the Communist Manifesto, Vladimir Ilitj Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern socialism, Che Guevara, the Bolivian guerilla leader, and Mao Tse-tung, chairman of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949.

And the first question is for you, Karl Marx. "The Hammers." "The Hammers" is the nickname of what English football team? "The Hammers." No? Well, bad luck, Karl. It is, in fact, West Ham United.

Now, Che Guevara. Che... Coventry City last won the English football cup in what year? No? I can tell no further question. Anybody else? Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year? No, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It is in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the English Football Cup.

So now with the scores all even, it's on to Round 2, and Lenin, you start at the $10. Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major solid gold hits in the U.S. of A. What's the name of the biggest? Jerry Lee Lewis' solid gold biggie? No?

Ozzy

Dantruck
21st May 2003, 07:16
The gentleman with the mellon switches on the fan and places his left thigh on the edge of the swivel table...

Kwasi_Mensa
21st May 2003, 07:41
We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeee-wommmm! A SHRUBBERY!!!!

AntiCrash
21st May 2003, 07:45
And now for something completely different, a man with three buttocks...

The management appologizes for that last remark and any simularity to George W. was strictly, err, umm ( long pause)
on point.:)

Hagbard the Amateur
21st May 2003, 08:25
Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties... I'm sorry... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnberger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitzweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Simtech
21st May 2003, 12:08
American beer is like making love in a canoe - they're both fcuking close to water. :E

Rugz
21st May 2003, 21:32
I'm French, why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.

Sometimes, at the end of a sentence, I come out with the wrong fusebox.

Well, that's just the kind of blinkard, philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads. You excrement. You whining hypocritical poadies with you color TV sets and your Tony Jacqueline golf clubs. You wouldn't let me join would you you blackballing bastards. Well I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down onyour lousy, stinking, purulent knees, and begged me garbage

Biggles Flies Undone
21st May 2003, 22:37
Rugz - 'purulent' appears in the Travel Agent sketch, not the Architect sketch ;) Good try, though :ok:

Don't tell him Pike!

Charlie Foxtrot India
22nd May 2003, 00:18
Who threw that stone?

SHE DID SHE DID SHE DID him him him

Sorry, I thought we'd started.

Maxflyer
22nd May 2003, 01:03
Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

witchdoctor
22nd May 2003, 19:01
You're like bat's p1ss my lord.

What?!?

You are as a shaft of golden light when all around is darkness.

itchy kitchin
22nd May 2003, 20:39
We use only the finest baby frogs,
Dew picked, flown in from iraq,
lightly killed, lovingly frosted with glucose
and sealed in a quintuple smooth swiss milk chocolate.

You do take the bones out first?

Well, it wouldn't be crunchy frog suprise then would it?

--------

Dung sir?
:yuk: :D