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Barney_Gumble
8th May 2003, 21:14
Hi Folks,

With the impending arrival of "mini-Gumble" lots of PPRuNers have been sending me advice. Here is some that made me chuckle today.........

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
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Things to be aware of with children

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract! of a 4-year-old.
11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
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Chaffers
8th May 2003, 21:20
Sounds like he's a vewy naughty boy to me.

redsnail
9th May 2003, 05:38
I often wonder how our species ever survived.
By the time they are old enough to move quickly but without control they are at the perfect height to mash Daddy's 'nads with the impact.

djk
9th May 2003, 07:06
what are dust bunnies ?

ChrisVJ
9th May 2003, 12:43
Intelligent 7 yr olds will test the school's 600 amp electrical system with a coat hanger.

Three yr olds don't know which way turns a tap off.

flyblue
9th May 2003, 16:01
Hey Barney, the guy that sent you this was very optimistic :p ;)

Congrats to Mrs Barney!

SixStarAnsett
9th May 2003, 18:26
1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

A: Yes, but what about the fire hose on top floor of the school your mum taught at?

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

A: That's why I prefer paper balls and occasionally eggs

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

A: I know, but what about a hiss, then explosion, and a guilty looking kid?

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A: Probably, but lots of hairspray and a lit match in the toilet bowl is more fun.

11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

A: What about metal?

12. Super glue is forever.

A: I must've been lucky then.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

A:That's fantastic. However the fire department in Townsville knows us by name.

SixStarAnsett :E

fourthreethree
9th May 2003, 19:12
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Explain to me how this is possible. Whatever comes out of said cat once made up a portion of its weight, right? So after throwing up, the cat must have a negative weight equal to its actual weight before its washing machine experience.:confused: :confused: :confused:

Also,
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

Oh yes, and a two year old's can be just as bad. Especially at 3am. :* :*

Good luck to you Mr. Gumble!!:ok:

Ludwig
9th May 2003, 19:44
all this sounds like an excellent contraceptive advert to me!

maninblack
9th May 2003, 20:13
My daughter said she had a flying cat.

"How does your cat fly?"

"I FLING HER."

Tuba Mirum
9th May 2003, 20:28
I seem to remember one from about the age of seven:

25. When your elder brother sits on a drawing pin which you have placed on his chair, he will NOT rise six feet in the air, with a bright red bottom, yelling "Owww!" like they do in the comics. Instead, he will say "F***!", turn round and hit you.

I think I must have been brought up on the wrong sort of comic :rolleyes:

topcat450
9th May 2003, 21:33
Best contraceptive I've found is my personality....if I could bottle it I'd be a very rich man :p

Wee Jock
10th May 2003, 00:29
A tube of toothpaste goes roughly 4 times round the walls of an average size bathroom.

Whole toilet rolls don't flush easily.

Kittens don't like swimming lessons, especially down the toilet.

Use a new toothbrush everyday as when you catch your 2-year-old cleaning the toilet with yours you don't know how many times she's done it already....

If you punch a balll down the dog's throat he learns to 'drop it' pretty fast.

That brown stuff on your suit jacket isn't chocolate.

Neither are the brown footprints on the carpet.

Toast painted green is delicious.

Good luck Mr and Mrs Gumble, enjoy it, and try to see the funny side!

Foss
10th May 2003, 03:32
Don't watch the Grand National (a horse race) on TV with one in the room.

"Horsey, horse. Horse, horseeee. Mooo. Horse, horseeeee. Clop clip clop Moo horseee etc etc etc .

Definately don't watch the film Babe.

Fos:}

T_richard
10th May 2003, 04:00
B-G

CONGRATULATIONS!! Your life will change drastically and permanently. I wish you twice the joy my children have brought to me since the day they were born.

Learn not to shout and find your sense of humor and all will be well. God Bless:ok: :ok:

flower
10th May 2003, 04:50
And has anyone else noticed how a 4oz bottle of milk , not looking a large quantity whilst in the bottle , has an amazing range and coverage when regurgitated.

He he he sorry Barney hunny;) :p ;)

Techchick
10th May 2003, 05:08
Don't forget that they overhear conversations, and repeat snippets of them at the most inappropriate times............

Barney_Gumble
10th May 2003, 05:23
Gosh, don't write my life off......is hasn't happened yet, but I have a feeling we're field in sight and established on the ILS :ooh:

I'll report back when we touch the numbers and are in decel ;)