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View Full Version : Time for a quickie!


Buster Hyman
7th May 2003, 21:54
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the
reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home.""
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially
inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet and asks, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can
do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on
the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't; I've cut your arms off."

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A "fsh".

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
:=

Shaggy Sheep Driver
7th May 2003, 22:03
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?".

SSD

Hagbard the Amateur
8th May 2003, 04:55
Man walks into bar with a frog on his head.
Barman says "What's that?"
Frog says "Fu(ked if I know. It started out as a wart on my @rse this morning."

Always look on the bright side of life :p

In trim
8th May 2003, 05:20
This baby seal walked into a club.

:rolleyes:

pax anglia
8th May 2003, 06:09
Two Parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Ozzy
8th May 2003, 06:16
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas

What do you call a man nailed to the wall?
Art

What do you call a man lying in front of the door?
Matt


Ozzy

SLF
8th May 2003, 06:45
What do you call a man with a crane on his head?

Derek

SixStarAnsett
8th May 2003, 09:21
What's the world coming to?

I came in here not expecting jokes. :sad:

SixStar

pigboat
8th May 2003, 09:28
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with colourful machine tools.

reynoldsno1
8th May 2003, 11:12
What do you call a man behind a hedge?
Russell

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

97 - 1 to change the bulb and 96 to share the experience

Jet Dragon
8th May 2003, 14:37
What's blue & doesn't fit - a dead epileptic:}

ChrisVJ
8th May 2003, 16:02
How many West Vancouver housewives does it take to change a lightbulb.

Here's a hint:

You go to Starbucks and I'll phone my husband.

simon brown
8th May 2003, 19:00
Old Macdonald was dyslexic O-I-O-I-Z

AVIATECA
8th May 2003, 20:29
Waiter, what soup is this?
It's bean soup sir
I don't care what it's been. I want to know what it is.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.

flynverted
8th May 2003, 20:41
What do you call a man without arms or legs floating in the ocean?

Bob:}

Ralph the Bong
8th May 2003, 21:10
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb? A: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR!!????

G-SCUD
8th May 2003, 21:31
How many Californian psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to be changed…

Taildragger55
8th May 2003, 21:36
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

We don't do that [email protected], it's a hardware problem


How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

If it needed changing the market would have changed it


How many microsoft employees does it take to...

Darkness is now an industry standard

Nopax,thanx
8th May 2003, 21:38
Two fonts walk into a bar....

...the barman says 'I don't want any of your type in here!'

Monocock
8th May 2003, 22:22
What do you call a deer with no eyes...............???

No idea.



What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs................???

Still no idea.


What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no willy......??

Still no f**ing idea!!!

:} :} :} :} :} :} :} :}

You want it when?
8th May 2003, 22:29
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two (hint they are very small)

What do you call a woman leaning against a wall?
Ivy

What do you call a man with a strip of bacon on his head?
Hamed

What do you call a man with two strips of bacon on his head?
Mohamid

What do you call a man with two strips of bacon on his head, standing between two buildings?
Mohamid-Ali

What goes plink-plink fizz
Two babies into an acid bath

Whats blue and crawls about the floor?
A baby with a plastic bag over it's head

What's red and screams?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt

Is that a hook I see coming from stage left? I'm off then....