View Full Version : Tools

I. M. Esperto
27th Apr 2003, 00:54
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar
mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that
goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage
cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (what
wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy
lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxy-acetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month-old Salems from
the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster
over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say "Django

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you
have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT-LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on
crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten
to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips head screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
them off.

27th Apr 2003, 01:03
Excellent post:D :D

I think we have some of the same tools especially the trouble light . Mine also has a hiddden wire which burns out an hour after I buy it thereby saving me countless dollars in lightbulbs

Oh and the power cord on the timing light is vital to testing the windup time of the belt pulley so I can measure the speed at which said light is slammed into the back of the radiator which subsequntly allows me to learn more about radiator repair

Windy Militant
28th Apr 2003, 07:09
Mr Esperto,
A few years back we had a chap in our workshop who used to work for MGs at Abingdon. You're very lucky that they they didn't have super glue in those days other wise those suspension bolts may not have been as hard to remove as they were:uhoh:

Ah takes me back to the days when I used to wait for the parents to go shopping to sneak the can of linklife onto the cooker to grease up the chain on my bike

simon brown
28th Apr 2003, 20:55
Ah brings back memories of restoring an old triumph where on investigating that rust bubble it rapidly turned into a new wing, floorpan , cill ( plus coke cans c/o previous owner)and outrigger.

Why is it when you drop a tool/nut/bolt it has the unique ability to find the most inaccessible place to retrieve it from. I once managed to drop some washers from the pancake filter into the throttle butterfly of downdraught webber carb. On getting into the car to release the handbrake to move the car to enable more light to try to retrieve them with tweezers,my mate inadvertantly pressed the accelerator pedal causing said washers to disappear into the inlet manifold.....