Is it the Kokkinelli or the Kebab that Darkens the Stool?

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Or perhaps the Tahini.

May I be permitted to start another one of those threads with humourous military anecdotes? Here's my starter:-

Climbing out from a secret holiday destination in the desert.

Nav (to Capt): You have 3 Starboard

Loadie: Have we? I thought he was a Lt Col


If anyone needs this explaining, I'll pop back later.

[Chris Kebab]

I always blamed the meat.

Mind you it's not half as bad as the speciman you get having crunched and swallowed the coffee beans after yam singing a flaming Sambuca!

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Not sure abour the colour or texture but what ever Mr Polis gave my skipper in his full kebab last night turned his insides to water with the ensuing tidal wave from both ends:p

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[maxburner]

It has been proved to be Keo poisoning!! I've verified it many times.

[juliet]

not sure what causes the colour but i know that its the taxi ride that gets it flowing!

[FJJP]

Headaches in Cyprus (or any other det) are caused by the pillows on the bed. If you think about it, you feel fine when you lay your head down, but in the morning you feel like sh*t. The only common factor is the pillows on your bed. QED the pillows cause your headache!

[bootscooter]

I personally believe that the colour and texture is due to when the afore-mentioned substance gets well and truly gripped, every time you think about the "1 for the muppets...and 1 for the crew" slab thing!:D

[Kiting for Boys]

FJJP's theory about pillows is close..

But in fact the problem is the secret chemical the manufacturers use to impregnate Formal Dress. They know that it is worn less than any other clothing, so it won't be replaced very often. So they have another wheeze to boost sales.

Their trick is to dose the jacket and trousers with a compound which makes the garments shrink in the dark (in any wardrobe). So when we try them on next time they feel strangely tight.
I know that this is true.

A side effect is that when the jacket is warmed by the wearer, the chemicals used release vapours which, when breathed, give the wearer a headache next morning. As well as inducing certain memory loss.

Bloody tailors….

[TAC2]

Sometimes its the salad that mucks you up due to it being washed in sewage water.

So steer clear of that salad unless its been boiled or fried

PS Message to TAC2 - You have to log out of these public computers down in the holiday hotspot, or some imposter will cast your vote for you! :D

[mutleyfour]

I remember caramac did the same when I was younger!

[nim2000]

I say chaps, dark stools aside, I intended a new thread for funny stories, in the fashion of the old archived ones, eg 'I wish I hadn't said that'

PS Message to nim2000 - You have to log out of these public computers down in the holiday hotspot, or some imposter will cast your vote for you! :D

[bootscooter]

"1 large portion of humble pie for Bootscooter, please!"

No sooner do I comment on the Akronelli slab thing, then we get presented with one the very next day!!! Apologies to all Muppets, is this a new policy???

Cheers, Bootscooter (hic!)

[Mr C Hinecap]

Boots - no new policy - Muppets have always been good blokes, just not always understood or loved.

I do not believe it is the Kebab. I have sampled kebab in many nations and had less trouble than in AKT. Suggest Haloumi is the true culprit.

[bootscooter]

How dare you, Sir! To suggest that Halloumi can be anything other than perfect, is to invite ridicule. A firm texture, warm, and slightly crispy on the outside. Mmmm. Fairly salty (but not unpleasantly so, as I pointed out to Mrs Bootscooter) and, I'm told that, copious amounts of Kokinelli cancels out all calories! Fantastic. :D

[BEagle]

Unfortunately I haven't been able to sample the joys of the kebab and kokkinelli culture for a while now. But, if memory recalls correctly, the waiter normally asks "You full kebab or half kebab. Who halloumi, who liver. Everyone sheesh? Village salad?" in that quiet, polite voice so reminiscent of the days of "WHA' IS YOUR DME SITIA?" bellowed by Greek Air Traffickers from an echo chamber. Thus the specific constituents of the kebab probably do have a bearing on the question posed at the heading of this thread.

The first point is that some readers unfamiliar with a 'proper' kebab - such as the 20% or so who have asked "What's kokkinelli?" (Good grief - have things sunk so low in HMFC??) - might think that we're discussing a donar kebab. Not so!! The Cyprus kebab is a multi-course pig out involving much noise, abuse from both sides, copious kokkinelli and often ends in the early hours with the sound of hurried footsteps on an urgent mission....

One first needs a few jugs of brandy sour to get into the mood. Then, around the time that the Mess dress rules change into boring mode, one sends a chum to order taxis. These will often be sorted through Chris, son-of-Chris, friend-of-Chris, no-problem-I-fix friend-of-son-of-Chris, or others. Who know Chris. A large black Merc will then turn up and the game of 'how much to the village' kicks off. At breakneck speed the limo heads off and after slowing down to avoid the lads on the gate, it soon deposits the happy kebab fans at a restaurant consisting of breeze blocks, metal tables and chairs, a TV playing loudly to itself in the corner, an old grey haired wizened chap sitting in the other corner, numerous bondhu cats investigating the mysterious disappearance of their brothers whilst avoiding bottle tops thrown at them for them to play with - and various long-suffering waiters dressed in the traditional black trousers and white shirt. An argument then begins over how many tables and chairs are needed; much dragging and scraping of furniture then ensues until finally, much to the chagrin of the locals, a table for about 15 or so is constructed. Drink is then ordered - invariably Keo beer, kokkinelli and Sprite (to weaken the kokkinelli. On no account should the Sprite be consumed on its own - that would be Against The Rules.....). Bowls of salad, pitta bread, tahini, tatziki, olives, lemons, yoghourt etc appear with incredible speed - and cries of "Oi, Stavros more nose-warmers" soon follow as the pitta bread is woofed in the first 2 minutes. Then comes the interrogation "Who full kebab, who half kebab?" The full kebab is usually something like sheftalia, sheesh, liver or halloumi (hence the "Who halloumi, who liver?" question), racing chicken and pork chop. Served at around 10 minute intervals, during which time the kokkinelli arrives, is consumed at the rate of at least 1-2 bottles per head (because we NEVER fly the next day. No, dear me no. Never indeed...) and is replaced. The half kebab can be more selective but causes more difficulty for the waiters. Personally, I'd go for sheftalia, sheesh, halloumi and lountza and wouldn't bother with the racing chicken or pork chop. Yet more nose-warmers, salad and tahini, then the coffee decision and silly jokes about "Turkish- oops, sorry, I mean Greek Delight please". If none of the party have been sick on the table, fallen into their plates or behaved too outrageously, then you might be lucky and get free Ouzo as an after dinner treat - or if you're luckier, Filfar. Then, after the 'who had what - ah, to hell with it - £7 Cyp per head'll do' accounting game, it's time to accuse the taxi drivers of not turning up on time or attempting to rip you off before another high speed drive back to the block. One hopes that one's crew will keep quiet at the main gate to allow the most sober person present to show ID to the gate mate and vouch for the rabble in the back.

Then after a few litre bottles of Keo or Carlsberg as a night-cap, one finds one's pit. Not long after the bed starts spinning, an urgent communication from the lower intestines prompts the first player in the bog sprint competition, repeated at regular intervals by other competitors.

Come the next day and, miraculously, all is well with the world. The whole night probably cost less than £15 Cyp - but the mystery of what causes the darkening still hasn't been solved, so a further research project is planned for the next Akrotiri night stop......I haven't found the answer after 25 years of trying!

[Dunhovrin]

It's never been the same since they started charging for the kokkinelli. The first time the Lakeside did in 1988 the boss put the palce OOB till they agreed to throw it in for free... Ahh but it was never the same again.

[Speed Twelve]

BEagle,

Ah, you have Sprite with the kokkinelli! I drank it on it's own. It's amazing how far you'll go when things are free. Even intensive care...

ST

[BEagle]

You drank Sprite on its own? Surely not! Personally I'd never adulterate a good vintage kokkinelli with anything - not even Sprite!

But then again, whoever heard of a good vintage kokkinelli!

[Angry Lizard]

Darkening of the stools is actually caused by the nasty "health" food that is served in the hospital just up the road from the main gate. You are there because you have partaken of the feast that BEagle described BUT only almost made it back to the block. In a kokkinielli induced fug you view the fabled wadi-bears lurking just out of sight. In order to finally prove the theory that they exist you hurtle towards them; completely forgetting about the storm drains in your path. One leg in and over you go, much pain and howling later I guarentee you will be served the stool darkening mush by a fair lady in white.

Maybe a Pprune bash there to reaquaint ourselves with RAF tradition?

[Chris Kebab]

Brilliant BEagle - that is the most definative description of a Kebab I've ever seem. The breeze block restaurant and TV capture the scene perfectly!

Upon your retirement you really do need to write an Anthology of the RAF Down Route.

Have you ever tried bring all the (exact) ingredients for a Brandy Sour home and serving them in the garden with a BBQ - never, ever tastes the same.

[Dunhovrin]

Chris,

You are so right! And Tesco's halloumi just doesn't taste the same.

I tried bringing some shefatalia home once. The customs bloke at Lossie was very good - and told me to eat the evidence tonight.

In fact does anyone know of a source of said sausages in Blighty?

[BEagle]

CK - any relation to "You come my restaurant, free kokkinelli. OK, OK - free Filfar after" Chris (the real one) Kebab?

I agree about the brandy sour. You need precisely the same ingredients as you get in Akrotiri - no substitutes will do. Personally I think that there might be something in the authentic Akrotiri version which includes the chemical reaction between the lemon juice and the plastic jugs. That releases complex organic compounds into the brew; most people in the UKdon't use the same jugs, hence the result won't be the same.

Either that or the fact that, before quaffing a jug or several of Akrotiri brandy sour, one is normally totally whammed from a few pre-pre-prandial litres of Keo - and that certainly doesn't travel well!

[Incipient Sinner]

Right you are CK,

A brandy sour just isn't the same without LEX lemon squash and the REAL cheapo Keo Brandy, you know the stuff (cheaper than the nasty water and far less likely to cause dark stools)

Also doesn't taste the same without looking out over the Med from the Dhekelia Officers Club.

Fantastic

[Chris Kebab]

BEagle - no relation, take it as a tribute! I must have single handedly paid him and the "extended family" enough for another restaurant or cab by now!

The Lanitis lemon squash is probably the best in the world, but what on earth am I supposed to do with that little plastic bottle of imitation Angostura bitters gathering dust in the cupboard corner?

Could be the plastic jugs - maybe to really capture the experience requires the addition of the delicate aroma from the duty free perfume of a nearby schooly or nurse!

I suspect the Keo interaction is probably the answer.

[DummyRun]

Angry Lizard,

Ahh, those storm drains, have been the cause of several of my doses of AIDS, that painful condition where you wake up/come round to find dried blood on the pillow.

Akrotiri Inexplicable Damage Syndrome !!

[stbd beam]

Nice one BEags ... as usual ... bought back some fond memories. Didn't realise everyone had EXACTLY the same experience down the strip to the last detail - what a shocker. Oh, except that time when I left my favourite shorts in the bushes after a 9 sec warning ...........

[Wycombe]

DummyRun... and there was me thinking that the only doses of AIDS in Cyprus would come from "Hero's Square"

[ComJam]

BEagle, well done, spot on! I almost felt like I was there, which I will be in 3 weeks! :)

I intend to answer the great "stool question"!

Cheers http://indigo.ie/~owenc/starwars/images/pint1.gif

Doh! http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/puke.gif

[Top Bunk Tester]

Thanks Beags, you have revived many memories of said ritual. I am now officially Kebab Critical as I have not had one for around 7 years. I am reduced to buying Haloumi from Tescos, but have still not mastered the ceromonial cremation of the meats(?). Does anyone know where tahini can be got in this country, or if anyones bringing any back I would gladly pay for their trouble.

At risk of changing this thread, which is the best Kebab House .......... Sylvanas, Polis, Lakeside, Chris's et al?

I always preferred Sylvanas ...... (Could have something to do with the fact that pre aircrew, I was posted to Akronelli and used to eat in there most nights ........this has several advantages 1) I am imune to to any bouts of kebab belly and 2) I know Greg the owner very well and when returning with a crew my kebab was always gratis.

[BEagle]

I would say:

Polis - best for a 'couth' kebab. But not quite the traditional atmosphere of the 70s and 80s.

Swan - basic and more 'ethnic' than most. Also has more bondhu cats looking for their late brothers!

Chris' - good for large numbers, BUT Chris has to be there in person for it to be particularly good. Food has been suspected as being pre-cooked and then flashed up again when punters arrive. Hence dry and cremated at times. Usually free kokinelli - particularly if Chris is there!

Sylvanas - Also good for large numbers and food less cremated than at Chris'. Sound all-round kebab house!

All the others - forget it!

[DummyRun]

If you're off base then Micheal's up near the Epi-thingy hotel is hard to beat. Not the strip I know but still gives you black poo.

[teeteringhead]

I blame the liver, aided and abetted by the kokinelli. Some years ago I was on a long course of iron tablets in hospital (DON'T ask why), which had the side effect of seriously black poo.

When questioned, the doc said it was the iron wot done it, hence similar "side effects" with iron-rich "foods" such as Guniness, cheap red wine and liver. And spinach for that matter ....... thinks ....... wonder what Popeye's was like?? (and no Olive Oyl jokes purlease!);)

[UncleFester]

Its none of these......Its after the wonderful all day breakfast in the aircrew feeder at akronelli, looking at the stool in the one holer and trying not to gag on the beautiful aroma there in.

Trust me, I did it for 42 years!:eek:

[Cabe LeCutter]

Ten second review of Akrotiri Kebab

Big party - Chris Kebab, never get served fast enough at Sylvanas

Don't like overcooked food - anywhere but Chris Kebab

Bit of variety - Polis

Traditional flavour - Sylvanas still cook on charcoal

Old style kebab - forget it, you're 20 years too late

Heads down, look out for the flack:cool:

[radish]

The kebab turns the stool dark, the kokkinelli turns the vomit red....:mad:

[TheNightOwl]

Have you ever seen what second-hand Kokkinelli does to the paintwork of a cab on the way back to Akrotiri? Not a pretty sight, but then neither were we!
Out of left field - I haven't been in Cyprus since early Sixties, what has happened to the Magic Bar? Arif's, I think it was called?

Kind regards,

TheNightOwl.
ex-13Sqn., a long, long time ago.

[Otis Spunkmeyer]

Early sixties? A bit before my time. But are you on about a bar in Limassol where the owner wore a fez and was famous for being rude to his customers? (The word Britannia springs to mind)

Anyway, the chap with the fez, fled north during the 1974 troubles, and in the mid nineties he could be found running a restaurant in Kyrenia harbour. End restaurant on the left limb of the harbour looking out to sea. Talk about the old days and get free drinks!


Beagle - When were you last in Akkers? The Swan has been closed for years! The owners now operate the New Inn down past the Lakeside (also closed)

[BEagle]

Last few times were a couple or so years ago - mostly off-base. The on-base stops were insufficiently long for a KebabEx, unfortunately.

Contrary to popular belief, an on-base nightstop at Akronelli with sufficient time to nip down to the 'strip' is perfectly fine by me!

[Skylark4]

Night Owl
I was 13 Sqn (groundcrew) 62-64. Was that Big Arifs or Little Arifs?

Happy Days.

Mike W

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

So anyway, another Kabul war anecdote

Copilot (out of his depth and close to panic):
'The landing gear was a bit slow coming up'
Senior Loadie (down the back of Albert):
'Well you might have been off the runway but we were still on it'

[TheNightOwl]

Skylark4 - Must have followed you, old son, I joined 13 almost as we moved the Sqn to Malta. I was groundcrew also, Inst. Fitt.(Nav) in those days, the became a Simulator Tech on return to UK.
As you say, happy days, I always missed working on aircraft, simulators don't have the smell of Avtur!! I've been in Oz now for 20 years, still in simulation, great life.

Kind regards,

TheNightOwl.:D