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Papa Charlie
14th Nov 2002, 11:40
For all those aspiring car mechanics out there, this is a selection of translated phrases from the Haynes Manual (for those not in the UK, this is a British car repair manual, available for most cars made prior to 2000, and the odd one made after. Does any of this sound familiar?


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer in the anticlockwise direction.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles on both hands.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez, what was that? It nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Ford Fiesta’s are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "b*gger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an Auto Club card and mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, but not the thing you want to do!

:D

Who has control?
14th Nov 2002, 11:52
Many a true word...................:(

I always liked the beginning of chapter 4, which read "Remove the engine, as detailed in Chapter 3"

cargosales
14th Nov 2002, 12:13
Superb!

LMAO here :D

Windy Militant
14th Nov 2002, 14:17
And the priceless "Never use undue force when removing........"
translation: Even with a fifteen foot scaffold pole and enough torque to flip the b*gger on it's back it still won't undo!:D

Nopax,thanx
14th Nov 2002, 14:27
Not forgetting -

"Reassemble by reversing disassembly steps 1-7"

= we smashed it up so much getting it apart that we haven't a scooby's how to get it back together and had to buy a new one"

anyone want a Mk2 Cavalier manual????:D :D :D

RW-1
14th Nov 2002, 14:58
I always like it that even when you bag each screw,bolt, nut, whatever, when done you have left over items, but it runs.

Of course whatever was left out would likely just make it come apart at high speed, or while rounding a corner, etc. :P

FlyingForFun
14th Nov 2002, 15:55
Superb!

One of the first pieces of work I did on my current car was to fix a broken wire on the overdrive. I followed the instructions in the Haynes manual for removing the gearbox tunnel to get to the wire. The instructions suggested that removal would be easier if I removed the seats. As I removed the seats, one of the bolts sheared off. I didn't have the required tools to remove the rest of the bolt, and after fixing the overdrive I had to take the car to a nearby garage to have the bolt drilled out and replaced. Ok, so these things happen, right? Except that removing the seat turned out to be completely unnecessary in the first place :mad:

I haven't opened the Haynes manual since, except to remind myself of the correct tyre pressures from time to time!

FFF
--------------

Techman
14th Nov 2002, 16:14
What about these instructions then?. Goku Toy (http://www.dumbwarnings.com/pictures/toys_goku.jpg)

Flash2001
14th Nov 2002, 17:36
Jaguar manual: "Gudgeon pins will be found to be a two thumb press fit"

American translation: "Wrist pins are a heavy driving fit"

Loki
14th Nov 2002, 18:18
Does anybody understand Haynes manual wiring diagrams?

Anthony Carn
14th Nov 2002, 18:41
Wiring diagrams -- a boring reply (sorry).

Take the manual to your local printers (or not so local if you fancy a longer journey) and have them enlarge the diagram. (I use x4)

Apply felt pen of the correct colour to the "wires" that turn you on (?) and you'll find it all makes sense ! :)

The colour abbreviations are a bit wierd ( U = blue, N = brown for example ), but the manual should list them.

Grainger
14th Nov 2002, 19:48
It's getting the page breaks in the right place that takes special skill:

"Withdraw the bearing cage assembly .... "

OK <turns page>

"... having first placed a container underneath to catch all the little ball bearings that will fall out and roll down the drain"

Aaaaaaaghghhghghhhhh !! Too late again :o

And the words of doom:

"Two types of carburettor have been used on this model....

If your carburettor looks like the one in photograph 'A' ....

If your carburettor looks like the one in photograph 'B' .... "

How come I always get the one that looks nothing like either photograph ????

AerBabe
15th Nov 2002, 00:28
Not 'everything' about Ford Fiestas is easy.
It took me about 3 hours to replace the wing mirrors on mine, after someone decided it would be amusing to snap them off.

"Remove the interior door panel"
Translates as "Remove the skin from all knuckles, snap half the plastic retaining clips, lose the little metal clippy thing that holds the window winder in place..."

"Remove nuts holding wing mirror in place"
Translates as "Spend half an hour trying all the nuts, and realise you can undo *none* of them. Ask next door neighbour to try, and watch as he removes them all easily."

"Bolt on new mirror"
Translates as "Realise the shop sold you the wrong mirrors"

Fortunately the rest wasn't *too* bad.... But I've not been tempted to do much since :D

Uncle Cracker
15th Nov 2002, 02:29
I always wonder if the vehicle I'm working on EVER looked like the photos on page four...

And why don't they ever mention the [email protected]@rd Chant?
(To be used on the 10mm nut you've just rounded having spent 45 minutes on it with WD40 and a blowlamp. "[email protected]@rd, [email protected]@rd, [email protected]@rd, [email protected]@rd" - repeat until nut moves of its own accord.)

Anthony Carn
15th Nov 2002, 07:55
Boring old me again, but the "Eng's" reading must be loving this and we can't have that.

------------------Rusted up nuts (ouch !)----------------

Two essential bits of kit:-

(1) -- 4.5 in angle grinder with metal-cutting discs NB These are F*****G DANGEROUS BEASTS in the hands of idiots, at least until they've removed enough fingers to make holding them impossible.
(2) -- Dremel/B&D Wizard with mini cutting discs. Mini NB as above.

Wear eye protection and leather gloves and keep other people clear. Have fun making lots of sparks, but beware fire risk, especially near petrol ! Be gentle and be ready for the thing "grabbing" in the groove you form. The area you've cut gets bl**dy hot !

If a nut won't come off, use the above to either cut it off (new nut and bolt needed) or grind two opposite flats until almost to the thread tip and spanner the weakened nut off using the remaining flats (only new nut needed).

New nuts & bolts - see yellow pages Bolt & Nut Stockists. Buy at least 20 of each or they say f**k a lot ( actually, they all say f**k a lot anyway). Better still, buy a boxed mix -- new Euro cars metric, older/US cars maybe UNF or whatever - take a sample in if unsure. (though what urine has to do with this, I don't know).

EASY ! (but extremely boring - sorry).


Anthony Carn - Tool & Fastenings Stockist. Nerd tuition available. Not responsible for any injury, however caused -- but please video it so we can all watch.

EI_Sparks
15th Nov 2002, 09:02
Okay, now I'm worried - my haynes manual always made sense to me :eek:
Or maybe it's just that the Citroen ZX manual is better written?

Le Pen
16th Nov 2002, 07:33
Bonjour

Haynes..... Ha!

You should try sorting out an Airbus Maintenance Manual.....

Translated from German into French by an Italian then finally into English by a retired Spanish chicken farmer.

Well not really........... but it would probably be easier to read if it was. :rolleyes:

Love

LP

Grainger
16th Nov 2002, 15:48
Oh dear, LePen..

All this talk of translation is making me feel it's time for another round of the BabelFish game....

Here goes:

Anthony's advice into Spanish and back again:
If it does not leave a nut, it uses the aforesaid one to cut extinguished to him (nut new and needed bolt) or grinds two planes opposed to until almost the extremity of the thread of spiral and key of nuts the debilitated nut to use the remaining planes (only needed new nut).
Next !

Notso Fantastic
17th Nov 2002, 17:11
Following the Haynes instruction to 'gently drift off the collar from the rear axle drive shaft' of an old Volvo 144, I spent 2 days using a variety of tools, ending up demonic using a hammer and cold chisel, and still not shifting the damn thing, I took it in defeat to a Volvo agents to have them laugh saying they 'warmed the lads up on cold mornings doing that!'

As for their electrical diagrams, I thought I was the only person in the world who found them complete gobbledegook!

bluskis
17th Nov 2002, 17:20
Buy, beg borrow or steal the official makers workshop manual. If it is for an American vehicle it may even go into the design philosophy of the systems.

They beat Haynes every time.

skygazer
18th Nov 2002, 13:33
....but if you have a Jaguar XJ-S, then download a copy of Kirby Palm's excellent manual from the net - it points out several mistakes in the official jag. manual and gives loads of tips for doing jobs on the car in a much more straightforward way than the manual tells you. I haven't got the car anymore, but used Kirby's book more than I used the official workshop manual.

Lon More
5th Jul 2003, 10:06
On a recent visit to Halfords i see they've branched out into fridges and washing machines.
Heard somewhere that they also do a book on parenthood, if so the race is doomed:8

Onan the Clumsy
5th Jul 2003, 12:04
If the manufacturers service manual is better than the Haynes manual (and it is) than continuing down that hierarchy, you'll find the Chilton manual :yuk: :yuk: :yuk:

mad_jock
5th Jul 2003, 18:58
Best bit of kit you can get for twating stuck bits of metal is an old SLR piston (old uk army rifle)

God knows what metal its made out of but its bloody hard.

Its long and thin and takes some abuse, lump hammer no probs.

Before we got given them they had to decommision them by grinding 2 flats (after doing 5 of them it shagged the stone on the grinder) this had the advantage that you could get a spanner on it if you got it stuck.

MJ