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Select Zone Five
13th Nov 2002, 17:09
Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small northern town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald" he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation, why don't you let me take you home?".
"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hitched up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here buddy we don't allow any of that behaviour in this bar!".

The reverend looked up and said "But you don't understand I'm Pastor Flapps". The bartender nodded and said "Oh well if you're that far in you might as well finish her off !!!" :p

Mr_Grubby
13th Nov 2002, 18:10
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a tin of beans on the top shelf and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took full advantage of her right there and then." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, sadly "We're not welcome at Tesco anymore either."


Mr G
:) :) :)

Paterbrat
13th Nov 2002, 22:45
The travelling Faith healer hit town set up his marqee and drummed up a crowd. The towsfolk not averse to free entertainment flocked in to watch the show.
The pastor sermoned and harrangued the crowd and generaly worked himself up to a feverpitch, then asked for some folks who wished to be healed to come up to the front.
A noticable lack of movement now threatened the smooth running of the show.
The healer, noticing a young man on crutches in the crowd demanded his presence on the stage, and the young chap was duley pushed up.
" What is your name" the healer demanded.
" John " came the reply.
" Well John go over behind that screen and we will pray for your recovery" the preacher told him.
Then scanning the crowd he waited for some more volunteers.
None came.
Getting desperate he noticed someone nudging a young lady, he pointed her out and asked her what her name was.
" S,S,S,S,S,S,S,S,Sophie" came the reply.
"Well Sophie," cried out the faith healer, " Come on up and we will pray for you too.
Sophie joined John behind the screen and the Healer went into a real frenzy of impassioned prayer, exhorting the Good Lord to hear the wishes of this band of faithfull and help to cure the afllictions of sister Sopie and brother John.
After a good dose of this the healer shouted for John to throw away his crutches. They were dutifuly were tosssed over the screen.
"Speak to us sister Sophie!" he commanded.
There was a pause. The crowd were transfixed, expectantly silent .
There was a dull thud and Sophie spoke.
" J,J,J,J,John's f,f,fallen over."

chrisN
14th Nov 2002, 01:20
A vicar's daughter asked, "Daddy, what is a faux pas?"

"Ah," replied her father, "You remember you brought your boyfriend home for the first time last Sunday?" "Yes" she said.

"And you went picking blackberries in the afternoon and he stuck his finger on a thorn ?" "Yes" she answered.

"And we were all sitting down for tea when you asked him if his prick was still sore, your mother dropped the teapot and I said 'Chr*st, that's f*cked it'? Well, that was a faux pas."

Techman
14th Nov 2002, 01:32
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

pigboat
14th Nov 2002, 02:34
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead and asks the Cardinal, "Can you think of a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t?"
"Sure," replied the Cardinal, "aunt."
"Thanks," says the Pope, 'err..you got an eraser?"

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hells Angel?
Someone who bangs on your door at seven AM on a Saturday and tells you to f**k off.

What do you call big, hairy, ugly nuns who drive motorcycles?
The Hell's Angels of Mercy.

There is no truth to the rumor that the next Pope will be called George Ringo.

BUMPFF
14th Nov 2002, 10:34
Whilst the Pope was on an official visit to Jerusalem one of his sandal straps broke right outside a Jewish shoemaker's premises. He went inside and asked the shoemaker if he would effect a repair. The man obliged and the Pope walked on. Recalling that some British institutions displayed 'By appointment [to royalty]' signs to advertise their expertise, he made a sign that said 'Cobblers to the Pope' and hung it outside.

Across the street Christian trader saw this, rushed inside his shop, came out and hung a sign which said, '[email protected] to the Chief Rabbi'.

Huck
14th Nov 2002, 15:55
A Southern Baptist preacher was sitting on a parkbench one day. A young boy rode by him on a bicycle, much too fast. He lost control and wiped out in some gravel, hitting his head on a lightpole and nearly knocking himself out. The boy's head was bloody, his knees were skint and his bike was demolished. He stood up and let out a stream of obscenities.

The preacher walked over and put his arm around him. He said, "Son, I know you're hurting, but you really shouldn't talk like that! The right thing to do would be to look up to Heaven and say, 'O Father, please heal me!' "

The boy looked up and said, "O Father, please heal me!" And suddenly his head began healing, his knees quit hurting, his clothes mended themselves and his bike straightened back up and became good as new.

The preacher shouted, "Son of a b!tch!!"