View Full Version : Rugby, WTF is it all about?

tony draper
9th Nov 2002, 15:03
Drapes ia bored , so drapes tries to watch Rugby.
Now the rules of football is simple,even Drapes can follow it.
You are not allowed to touch the ball with your hand,yer can head butt it, hit it with yer chest, you can kick it with yer foot but thats it.
The object of the game of football is to get the ball (which incidently is a proper ball shaped ball)into the net more times than the other team usin foot head or chest.
Now what in the name of all thats holy is this feckin rugby all about?,been watchin it for half an hour and I havent a feckin clue. What exactly are they are tryin to do, these obviously overfond of ale and hamburgers obese people in shorts and Rab C Nesbit head bandages .
What are these fat people trying to achieve? what is the end purpose??do they make the rules up as they go along,indeed are there any rules.
What are the audience shouting and cheering for?, I see nothing different happening, just a pile of chaps on top of each other rolling about in the mud.
Please someone explain.
I give up will watch the bowls.:confused:

9th Nov 2002, 15:23
Drapes, despite its brutal barbarian nature the rules are very subtle indeed and yet complex at the same time. All i can say is you missed a top game one after which this duck will be drinking lots of champagne bought by his kiwi colleagues!!

On another note looks like the first ashes test is all over?! Oz put another 150 on sunday and then bowl at England for a day and a half?

9th Nov 2002, 16:02
Come on drapes, you can't be serious, you're talking about the most wonderful sport on the planet!

You must be being rhetorical here as I can't understand how you don't know the basic concept of the sport if you've lived in the UK and being remotely interested in sport but I'll explain anyway for the benefit of any unenlightened folks out there in the non-rugby-playing countries.

The game was designed to be played by a class of public school boys. Hence the 15 players per side (two teams per class), and there being positions in the team for every size of boy from the rotund (front row) to the tall (lock) to the short (fly half, full back) and various sizes and speeds/strengths in between.

The basic rule that you can kick, carry or throw('pass') the ball as many times as you want with the only restrictions being that you cannot ever pass the ball forwards, and you must be stood up to handle the ball.

To score you must touch the ball down over the line at the opposition's end of the field (a 'try' - 5 points) or kick it between the posts (a 'goal' - 3 points). If you score a try one of your team gets to kick at the goal unmolested by the opposite team for extra points (a 'conversion' - 2 points).

You can tackle any player with the ball. This must be be below neck level (for safety!). The tackled player must release the ball if they end up on the floor (see above re. not holding the ball on the ground). Running play or one man on his own with the ball is called 'open play' and there ends the rules for that.

If players start gathering around the ball, the name for this gathering is a 'ruck' or a 'maul' (depending on whether the ball is on the floor or held in the hands). Here some extra rules come in - extra players joining the ruck/maul must do so from the back (from their team's perspective), they are not allowed to go diving over the top of the ruck/maul or around the sides ('offside'). Players leaving the melee have to retire behind the ruck/maul and rejoin from the back. The general idea here for both teams is to get the ball out of the back of the ruck/maul and clear - once the ball is got clear of the fracas we're back into open passing/kicking play again.

Minor rule infractions (accidentally knocking the ball forward, etc.) are dealt with by a scrum down, which is basically an organised form of the ruck described above - where eight members of each team gather and try to push the other team off the ball and get the ball out of the back of the scrum.

More major infractions (offside) result in a penalty or free kick - play stops, and the other side gets to kick the ball.

If one team kicks, passes or knocks the ball off the pitch to the side ('in touch'), up to seven members of each side line up facing each other and the a player from the other team gets to throw the ball down the middle - both sides can jump to try to catch it.

Wow, it is quite complex even put simply, isn't it ;) Here I'm talking about the rules of the proper code, Union, of course (ducks and awaits League fans to flame:D)

Maybe it's time to resurrect the Rules of Cricket thread to compare and contrast...

btw. Nice one England!!!!

9th Nov 2002, 16:07
You've gotta have a few guys big muscular thighs, little tight shorts, a neck that merges into their head, and cauliflower ears. Then give them a funny shaped ball, stick them on a muddy field in the rain, and tell one team the other team said they were nonces. Sit back with a cold beer, and enjoy :)

tony draper
9th Nov 2002, 16:09
Yeh I think I gorrit, the object of the game is to burst the leather egg usin the body weight of the fattest opponent?.
Still don't understand what the mass arse kissin ritual in the middle of the field is about though. ;)

9th Nov 2002, 16:15
That's the public school bit coming back in again ;)

9th Nov 2002, 16:36
so what's the difference between rugby league and rugby union?

9th Nov 2002, 16:38
Leagues cr*p!

9th Nov 2002, 18:57
Rugby League was invented for northerners and others who can only muster 13 players per side. They also wear funny outfits, usually with a distinctive "V" on their tops.

It`s not as pretty to watch as Union.

Jelly Baby Freak
9th Nov 2002, 21:49
So that's what it's all about!
And to think I thought it was just an excuse to spend dosh on me season ticket, drink beer with the lads/lasses at Welford Road, wear expensive (well made) rugby shirts, enjoy spending time with the opositions' supporters before, during and after the match in a trouble-free, family-orientated environment, meeting the players in the bar after a game and looking forward to a few days away if, and when, we reach the finals!

Seriously though, that was a concise description of the laws of rugby that even the 'roundball' followers might understand:confused:
Now, what was that soccer offside rule again....?:eek:

10th Nov 2002, 02:29
The art of Rugby Union is derived from an ancient aviation ritual using two props and a couple of wings, so don’t knock it.

Draper, the organised “arse kissing” venture occurs when a couple of hookers decide to have a ‘get together’, and they organise the players to gather around them and get into a ready position for an effective forward shove. The hookers must oblige by keeping both feet on the ground but not crossed.
This is where a lot of the players get to know each other and even resort to nibbling each other’s ears as a sign of respect for each other.
You will find all sorts of jobs are performed in this ‘scrummage’ but apparently a ‘tight head’ does the best job of all.

The other, spontaneous scrummages that occur in the field of play are usually initiated by one of the players confessing to not being able to see the ball properly.
The others will promptly hold him to the ground, where someone with a suitably long fingernail performs a friendly eyeball examination and scraping.

10th Nov 2002, 09:50
The opinion that rugby can only be played by fatboys is wrrrrooooongg!

One of the great things (there's many great things about rugby!) is that there's a position for any sized person: the fatsos (myself included!) make up the forwards, and the smaller, quicker blokes make up the backs.

The job of the forwards is basically to follow the ball around and get it all costs, and then get it to their team's scrum-half, who will then pass it along the backs, who execute their magic and speed and pass the ball along the line, and score the try (sometimes!) :D

Also the Guinness that generally comes in copious ammounts after the game is good :p

I got emailed this a few weeks ago, hope it doesn't offend anyone too much :)



Front Row - Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Revelling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Front rowers far and wide tolerate this attitude because they recognise their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking".

Locks - Slightly below the front row on the food chain. This group of large, often foul smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish in the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the often-used title "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking", they are usually just dumb.

Back Row - These are fine fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball but

there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I personally have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.

Scrum half - Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward.I myself tend to think of the #9 as half a fag. While the toughest back almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable – kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the back line who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The #9 can also take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.

Fly Half - Primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honour at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the back line - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually gay. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

Centres - Usually come in two varieties - hard charger or flitting fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above #8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at post-game festivities.

Back 3 - While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all f*****g homos if you ask me. How these three guys can play 80 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels in", how cute. Well, I have a saying too - it's "You're a f*****g Homo!!". These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coiffed sweater wearing, wine sipping, sweet talking homos in the corner avoiding the beer-swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they are at least better than League players.


tKF (prop)

10th Nov 2002, 10:17
I feel much better thanks TKF,


Prop (ret) :D

10th Nov 2002, 20:36
Have to agree with Aerbabe on this one. Its about watching big muscly men in lil shorts!!!!!!!!;) :p ;)

If you include the great nights out in town before and after a game when all the fans and players are out in force, then you just got a great weekend. And for some reason, nowhere near the violence that football fans bring :(

What more can a gal want?????:D

10th Nov 2002, 20:51
There is the old story that sums it all ip:

Scene: Clubhouse after the match, about 9.00 pm in the bar. George, long established member of the scrum, is sitting to one side, not joining in the drinking games or the singing, and looking morosely into his 13th pint of the evening.

Bill, the captain, is sent across by some of the lads to find out what's wrong.

Bill: What's up George?
George: Its the wife. She's cut me down to nookie twice a week.
Bill (conciliatory): Thats not too bad, mate. I heard she's cut some of the lads out altogether!