View Full Version : Posh buys a Jigsaw - Joke

Sir George Cayley
8th Nov 2002, 03:30
Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.

'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'What's up? Posh & the kids Ok?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing Sh*t because of a jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!'says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and
everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er,
it's a Tiger and everything, er.. on the box... er..... sorry boss.'

'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the blo*dy jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, look boss,it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and everything..'

Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergie's desk.

Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham............

'Put the Frosties back in the box David'.............

Sir George

8th Nov 2002, 12:04

8th Nov 2002, 12:08
I've heard it before, but it still brought a smile to my face.

:) :) :)

tony draper
8th Nov 2002, 12:25
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news.

The main story is of a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says, "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" To which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done. I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. " I can't take your money David," she says. "The truth is I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

Posh takes here car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back in place."

So she takes the car home and tries it.

David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts "You silly cow!

You have to wind the windows up first!"

Grim Reaper 14
8th Nov 2002, 17:30
Is that why my ears pop when I'm getting a bl..... no,no, no. Sorry. :p :p :p :p

8th Nov 2002, 20:16
Beckham and wife are in the back of a cab coming back from an art museum.

The driver says: “See anything nice while you were there?”

Beckham says: “Yeah…there was this brilliant picture of a vase of flowers.”

“Who painted it?” asks the cabbie.

Beckham shrugs. “I dunno. Can’t remember.”

Then he thinks about it for a little while, and says to the cabbie. “You can probably jog my memory…tell me some of the big railway stations in London.”

Cabbie says: “Er…King’s Cross? Paddington?”

Beckham says: “Nah…keep going.”

“Liverpool Street?…Waterloo?…"


"Charing Cross?…Victoria?”

“That’s it!” says Beckham, and turns to his wife: “Victoria, who painted that picture with the flowers?”


classic crew
8th Nov 2002, 22:49
As beer drinkers would say
You dont have to be Posh to swallow Becks.

9th Nov 2002, 09:39
Ferguson, unimpressed with Arsenal winning the league, phones up Arsene Wenger & asks if he can come down & watch the Goons training. Wenger readiy agrees & Fergie duly arrives.

Looking around, he's unimpressed & says so to Wenger.

Wenger replies "Ah but you see Alex, it's not just physical training I give them, but mental workouts too."

"I don't understand" replies the flummoxed Fergie.
"Well watch this then" says Wenger & calls over Dennis Bergkamp. "Right Dennis, it's not your brother, but it's your fathers son, who is it?"

"Ah that's easy, there are only two children so it has to be me" Says Bergkamp in a flash.

"Ah" says the enlightened Ferguson & heads off back to Man U.

He calls in Becks & lays down the new mental training regime. Predictably enough, Beckham says "Errr" & Fergie cuts him off, saying not to worry, have a think about it & get back tomorrow with the answer.

So Beckham goes home, chewing it over & getting nowhere, considers asking the missus, but that's no use, so he phones up Roy Keane, reasoning that he's rather smart.

Keano mulls it over & says in a trice "That's easy, it's me innit"

Relieved, Beckham swans into work the next day, where he's immediately called in by Fergie.

"Well David, have you worked it out yet?" asks the Guv.

"Oh yeah" replies Becks "It's Roy Keane isn't it" says our hero.

"Don't be stupid" says Ferguson, "It's Dennis Bergkamp"

I really, really love that joke...

9th Nov 2002, 14:37
Just finished reading "Learning to Fly" just because a friend had it and I was desperate for a read. I must admit that Posh seems like a flighty gal and Becks is no Einstein. BUT I have to ask all of you Uk'ers..... WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH THE BECKHAMS????????????? :eek:
I cannot believe that the people in your country cannot let those 2 bat an eyelash without swooping down and either taking a picture or chastising them. Holy crap!!!! Me thinks some peeps have far to much time on their hands and should GET A LIFE The jealousy is glaringly obvious and it looks badddddddddd.
So they are not the brightest stars in the sky ( or OK!) but they have some talent and they have made oodles of money doing what they love to do.
I have never seen a country that snoops,peeps,scrounges for gossip more than the UK. I feel honestly so much sympathy for celebs in Britian. Leave em alone ;)

Just an other number
9th Nov 2002, 15:35
Right then.
No probs.
Let's pick on some famous Canadians......




9th Nov 2002, 15:56
Celine Dion is always good for starters.


Uncle Cracker
9th Nov 2002, 16:05
Hi locky

Re - Beckhams.

It is, as you suspect, cos we're all jealous!
Alright he isn't the sharpest tool in the box, but he's incredibly rich, has a future as secure as anyone on the planet and is content and happily married, by all accounts.
She is young, beautiful (well I think so and I've met her), has her own money (lots), and is also content and happily married.
Their kids are assured of wonderful lives with only the best provided.
What do you expect?

J a o n
Isn't Bryan Adams Canadian?

9th Nov 2002, 21:27
Neutral, yeah we have objects of derision and ridicule in this country. We call 'em Liberal politicians. They even have their own newspaper. It's called the Toronto Star.:D :p

10th Nov 2002, 08:22
...let's get back to the Beckham jokes.

So, David is out shopping and picks up a silver container. "What's this?", he asks the shopkeeper.
"That's a Thermos flask".
"What's it for?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold", explains the shopkeeper.
"Ace, I'll take one"

So David goes home and shows off his new purchase to Posh. "What have you got there?", enquires Victoria.
"It's a Thermos flask, Victoria. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".
"That's great", says Posh. "You can take it to training tomorrow."

So, David turns up at training the next day with his flask. "What have you got there?", asks Fergie.
"It's a Thermos flask, boss. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".
"That's great", says Fergie. "What have you got in it then?"
"Two cups of coffee and a choc-ice" :D :D

Apparently Posh has signed a 4 album deal with Telstar. I'm not convinced she'll sell that many though :D

11th Nov 2002, 00:28
With all these old cheesy jokes being cranked out, the thing we really need is a proper cheesy "rimshot" (No Slasher, not one of yours! ;) )

Here's how to get your very own, (go to the foot of the page)

I say I say I say! (http://www.nationallampoon.com/news/jokeoftheweek.asp)

John Eacott
13th Nov 2002, 02:24
Back to the top. Any more of these, they're priceless :D

13th Nov 2002, 03:49
Love the Thermos one :D

Headline: "Victoria shaves her [email protected]"
small print: "She also persuaded him to get is ears pierced."