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eastern wiseguy
7th Nov 2002, 09:48
Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton die on the same day,
and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to
heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must
decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there is some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen drops her skirt and panties and takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. "What is that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry Dolly", says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush still beats two of a kind."

MightyGem
8th Nov 2002, 02:30
Sister Margeret dies at the grand age of 75, having devoted her life to missionary work. Arriving at the pearly gates, she starts to walk through, but is stopped by St Peter:

"Sorry Sister Margeret", says St Peter, "but you can't come in."

Sister Margeret is mortified. "Why ever not?" she says. "I've been good all my life. I've spent 50 years as a missionary."

"Ah", says St Peter, "That is the problem. You've been so good all of your life, that you don't really now what it's like to be bad. So, what I'd like you to do is to go back, buy 200 cigarettes and smoke them all."

A couple of days later she returns. "Oh St Peter" she wails. "That was terrible. Those cigarettes made me feel so ill. Surely I can come in now"

"Not yet I'm afraid" says St Peter, "You still don't know what it's like to be really bad. This time, I'd like you to go back, buy a bottle of hard liquor and drink it all."

A few days later she returns, looking a little worse for wear. "Oh St Peter. The cigarettes were bad enough, but the liquor is even worse. It made me go all dizzy, and I was so, so ill, and the following morning my head was pounding. Please, please can I come in now?"

"There is one more thing that I need you to do" says St Peter. "I'd like you to go back, find a man and know him in the biblical sense."

After a week St Peter is getting a bit worried that Sisiter Margeret hasn't returned. Returning home one day after a hard day at the gates, he finds the following message on his answer machine:

"Hi Pete, it's Maggie here. I'll call you. Bye"

Knold
8th Nov 2002, 11:01
Liked the first one, not too sure if Dollys bags qualify as Gods own creations tough...