View Full Version : Australia? No such place, mate

Tricky Woo
3rd Nov 2002, 10:27
Hi All,

For some years now I've been getting rather sceptical that Australia actually exists.

I know that the internet abounds with ill thought out conspiracy theories, but I reckon I've found a big un here: that sod Captain Cook was winding us all up. He spent four years in whore house in Marseilles (I know just the place), died of syphilis, and then his crew sailed back to Blighty with nice suntans and cock 'n' bull stories of a new continent with funny animals.


Fact one: There are hundreds of thousands of Aussies all over the world with backpacks on goin' 'walkabout'. Why is this? Because they don't have their own country to live in, of course!

Fact two: Australians always do very well in the Olympic swimming competitions. Why? Because you have to be bloody good swimmers when yer continent doesn't exist! Ever see Waterworld? Quite.

Fact three: The duck-billed platypus is totally unconvincing. A case of a good story stretched too far, in my most humblest of opinions.


3rd Nov 2002, 11:40
...... sounds more like a case of the poms never knowing what hits them.

Anthony Carn
3rd Nov 2002, 12:02
Anyone detected any corner cube reflectors in that general area ?

Notso Fantastic
3rd Nov 2002, 12:17
They're all on the moon. Have you seen any anywhere else? Where? At the corners of the cubes!

tony draper
3rd Nov 2002, 12:22
Aha !Mr Woo mate, you have solved a great mystery that has puzzled Draper for near forty years.
Drapes was supposedly wanderin that ficticious continent in the early sixties.
One realises now that one was probably thrust into a sensory deprivation tank, fed on sodium pentathol, and a sophisticated computer prog fed directly into poor Drapes head.
Only a spoty faced teetotal puter programer could have thunk up pubs that shut at 6pm, and the aforementioned programmer(probably french) had obviously never tasted real beer in his life.

Tricky Woo
3rd Nov 2002, 12:34
Hmm, on reflection, this also calls into question the existence of New Zealand, never mind Tasmania.

The only information I have on these places is that they're somewhere near Australia.

This whole scam is a house of cards, destined to tumble.

Face it, we've finally rumbled 'em.


3rd Nov 2002, 12:38
Well if we aussie are not real, then who the heck keeps kickin your buts on the criket pitch? and the Rugby, and where do you think Fosters comes from, and please forgive us for the last one. Even we dont drink it!:p

tony draper
3rd Nov 2002, 12:46
Indeed Mr Woo, one has never visited Kiwiworld, but one has wandered around the different levels of Tazi as the sprites in that game calls it.
The object of the game seems to be to grow more apples than your opponents,accrue points in order to escape back to Blighty, or stay there and chase strange wooly critters for purposes that are never made clear to the outsider, or I may be getting mixed up with Kiwi world here, ones memory grows dim with the passage of the years.
Drapes does remember doing battle with one of the end of level sprites in tazi , one defeated it in a most satisfactory manner.
I don't think the tazi world programmers had ever seen the Byker Loaf(head butt) employed as a special move before.;)

Tricky Woo
3rd Nov 2002, 13:08
Mr Bigdog,

Nowhere have I stated that Aussies don't exist. Quite clearly they do, otherwise who would serve food and drink in the bars and restaurants of London?

No, my main contention is that Australia (and by association Tasmania and New Zealand) does not exist.

In a way I feel sorry for the nomadic Aussies, travelling the world, seeking a more substantial homeland.

Bit of a scam by the British, I expect, transporting their criminals, and malcontents, to a non-existent continent.


Anthony Carn
3rd Nov 2002, 13:49
You'll be telling me next that "Home and Away" is just fiction !

3rd Nov 2002, 13:54
We (Aussies) have to get together every now and then to keep our accents. If we travel too long no one understands us when we get home. And what better place to do it than in the middle of the Pacific.
Dry as a dusty dingo!

3rd Nov 2002, 16:38
I have a little information to add, passed to me by a very senior officer in his cups.

I would seem that Australia did exist, if only as a very large papar mache model used to produce convincing fake photographs. This had been produced by the RN, after the invention of photograph, to back up their "Australian" scam which, as reported, they had been running for many years.

Back in the sixties, the RAF had a cunning scheme to persuade the government that the RAF could provide air cover anywhere in the world, and that the RN didn't need carriers. The problem was that the model was 1000 miles outside cover. (It, being paper mache, being too insubstantial to actually land anything on it).

They then had a cunning idea. Under cover of darkness they cut the anchors and got the RAF Marine Craft branch to tow it closer, where they were able to send out an aircraft to photograph it and prove their point. The rest is history.

Alas, to celebrate the all then out for a few drinks to celebrate in HK, leaving the model unattended. When they got back in the morning to return it to it's original position - it was gone. They searched high and low, but never saw it again. The Navy were furious, but couldn't say anything without admitting it was all a scam in the first place. Fortunately, things had advanced enough that they were able to replace the model with studio work and electronic tricks. I understand a few of the people involved moved to the USA, and NASA, during the "Brain Drain".

No one ever found out what happened to the model, but the theory was it had been stolen to special order, as it could never be sold on the open market. Shortly after, Walt Disney started the construction of Disney World in Florida........

3rd Nov 2002, 19:56
The real reason that Kiwis & Ockers travel the world, of course, is that we are able to. Everyone else can be found stationary somewhere on the M25...

3rd Nov 2002, 20:09
Or the M bloody 1 on Friday afternoon's
Or the M bloody 6 any arvo around Birmingham! :mad:

compressor stall
3rd Nov 2002, 20:58
As a resident of said sensory deprivation tank, I can state that there are a hell of a lot of you pommy backpackers in here with me!

tony draper
3rd Nov 2002, 21:13
Not sure what yer mean by backpackers, untill I have clarification I for one, int gettin into no feckin tank with them.:eek:

4th Nov 2002, 04:55
Hey Reds! After readin your last post do ya realise you are bitchin and moanin like a local and have finaly gone bleedin pommy? :D :p

4th Nov 2002, 05:09
Err..umm..Tricky Woo!
Tasmania is a State of Australia.
Try and get it right.

4th Nov 2002, 17:31
Strewth mate! :eek:

Bio Kitten
4th Nov 2002, 18:36
New Zealans real....

well I think it is, admittedly they dont let me out of the lab much (and when they do I catch some flu bug from the diseased locals, aversion theropy maybe?) but I can see sheep out my lab window.
Besides we dont have any platypodies here, and we all know NZs medal pull at the last games didnt merit water world theories.

We have proof of NZs exsistance Lord of the Rings II is coming out soon (they said filming here was cheaper than building sets to get the same look) and Team NZ will once again defend the Americas Cup from the Americans.... admittedly I dont know how wise that is in the current political climate, good ol' Bush might decide to bomb the crud out of us if we dont give it back soon....

Besides if I'm not in New Zealand where the heck am I? Its nowhere close to the rest of the real world, populated by sheep and surrounded by water... Isnt that a definition of New Zealand?

4th Nov 2002, 19:35
OMG!! They're all in the Falkland Islands! :D

4th Nov 2002, 23:27
Hey Tricky
You realise that if you're right, I can't be here typing this, 'cos puters don't float.
Therefore I must be a figment of your fevered imagination.

Scary thought, innit!! :D :p

5th Nov 2002, 00:09
good ol' Bush might decide to bomb the crud out of us if we dont give it back soon

Sssssh, relax - it's only the things his Daddy hates that he's going to bomb, which means after Saddam it's the broccoli farmers... damn, better check the veggie patch.....

6th Nov 2002, 06:00
mmmm, lets see if i can recall who saved britians arse during ww2,

Arm out the window
6th Nov 2002, 07:34
We drink, therefore we are!


Tricky Woo
11th Nov 2002, 14:55
Hmm, I've been away a while, so no chance to catch up on these pathetic attempts to reassure me that Australia and New Zealand actually exist.

You're all in on the conspiracy, aren't you?


11th Nov 2002, 15:19
Hey bigdog, cricket is not a sport, never will be. Anything lasting longer than 2 hours.........However, you could be right, at present we couldn't beat a team that doesn't exist. NH would put them in in to bat, and still get no wickets!

Rugby, now you're talking, but cast your mind back to 10/11/2001 - England 21 Australia 15. Roll on 16/11/2002.

Someone told me that the losing side at Lansdowne Road on Saturday had Gold-coloured shirts. I wonder who that was? In view of the conditions, it needed a team of good swimmers......

Oh, and by the way, I think UK Fosters comes from Scotland, and I don't give an XXXX for it!

tony draper
11th Nov 2002, 15:25
Still no concrete proof as yet Mr Woo, I have seen a few photographs purporting to be of a city with the unlikely name of Sydney, obvious ditital manipulation, they have taked a snap of the Tyne Bridge and superinposed it over a photograph of Blackpool I think. ;)

11th Nov 2002, 15:37
Well I am fairly convinced that Tasmania exists.
Lots of women carry a map of it.
Next time you are in Earls Court ask one of those
charming antipodean barmaids to show you her mappatazzy.:eek:


Busta Level
11th Nov 2002, 15:57

I asked a couple of barmaids. One had a 'brazilian' - I think she meant a map.....

The other started talking about 'beckham' for some reason?


Tricky Woo
11th Nov 2002, 16:25
Herr Draper,

I've seen the photo of 'Sydney' and it quite clearly shows Runcorn Bridge. Amazing they managed to take the photo on one of the two sunny days in the last thirty years.

Notice no one is stupid enough to try to defend that mythical duckbilled platypus creature. The next thing someone will insist that krakens roam freely, and their imaginary desert is full of unicorns.

Total nonsense, the lot of it.


11th Nov 2002, 20:33
The less people who find the yellow brick road to Oz, the better.

Dont expect the Barmy Army to assist with your queries, they wont have seen much.

11th Nov 2002, 20:42
I suppose Oz could be under a dome in Kansas with a big moat dug around it? You know, like the one in "The Truman Show"?

12th Nov 2002, 13:18
....and on the seventh day God surveyed all that he had created and rested..

But he suddenly realised that he was not happy, not contented.

He pondered his plight for a while and gazed into his empty stubby cooler and realised that he too wanted to migrate to _______________ (insert Australia or New Zealand here).

And on the eight day with a PR visa in his back pocket, an ice cold can of ___________ (insert favourite South Pacific Amber here) in his cooler, sunscreen smeared on his nose and tickets to the 2nd Ashes test in his other pocket he was happy. God was now content.