View Full Version : Toilet seats and fundamental particle physics

tony draper
31st Oct 2002, 12:33
Due to the nature oh his business Drapes has a housefull of gadgets, thing that beep and tell if anyone is approaching Draper towers, things that click and watch the comings and goings in the outside world,things that whirr and record every event and time and date stamp them, and one of them things with all the little flashing lights, one is not sure what that does actually.
Anyway Among all this hodge podge of transisters chips capacitors and other eerrr thingies, sits Drapers communication centre.
One standard type telephone, one mobile type telephone, one intercom type telephone, and one door entry video type telephone.
So all in all Drapes can control most things without leaving his pruning chair
Alas even Draper is forced to leave his chair occasionaly, ie to answer calls of nature and such.
Now things have been quiet of late in Drapers life and these devices no longer constantly buzz click peep or ring, with the frequency they once did, and this is no bad thing.
However,during one of, Drapes nature answering calls, one has inadvertantly discovered a new fundamental particle previously unknown to high energy physics.
One has named this particle the Feckion,due to the sound emmited by the human voice on the emmission of this particular Quark.
This particle sits dormant for hours in the matrix of the toilet seat and is only boosted to the required energy levels for triggering when a warm arse descends upon said seat and is firmly deposited there upon.
The feckion then travels at the speed of light thru walls armchairs dogs and anything else up to and probably including four foot of lead, and interacts with any telephonic device in the vicinity,causing said device to ring.
Sometimes it will interact with its anti partical traveling backwards thru time split into two(fission) and cause two telephones and the front door bell to ring simultaniously.
Hmmm One hears you think at this point, You think you see a flaw in this argument?, aha!! wrong !!one has been forced to the conclusion that the front door bell is triggered by the fissioning anti feckion.
Another strange doubtless quantum effect, one has noticed, the particle though it is emmitted alway hits the antifeckion head on and is completley annihilated without causing the telephone doorbell triggering if another human being apart from you seated self is within answering distance of telephones or door bells.

AHHHH, sound of arse being comfortable arranged, ping!!!---- dring dring, dring dring, dring dring,,,, **** !!!!!!!

PS the video door entry telephone thingy will be priceless tonight for chasing trick or treating urchins from ones front door tonight.


31st Oct 2002, 12:36
LOL!! :D

And true!!!

You should apply for a grant to continue research into this....

Mike Southern
31st Oct 2002, 12:38

Actually I believe the phenomenon was first described by Archimedes (sp??) long before electronic devices were invented. Nevertheless he postulated the existance of such a particle by noting that when a body was fully immersed in water there would be a knock at the door.

Strange stuff this nuclear physics...

31st Oct 2002, 13:03
Drapes, I think your discovery has far wider-reaching implications than even you could realise.

Just this morning, I was heading for the toilet. I hadn't even made it to the door, let alone the seat, when a whole person - not just a ring, but a real live person - popped up in front of me, and proceeded to quiz me for at least 10 minutes about something vaguely work-related which was far less important than the business I was attempted to attend to.

And it's not just the call of nature which has this effect. Many times, I've sat at my desk, PPRuNing away, but it's been a slow day on PPRuNe. The time is 1455, and I decide to check the forums out "once more before the 1500 meeting" - and, would you believe it, at least three people have started new, interesting threads which I just have to reply to. But alas, no time, because now it's time for the meeting. Yawn.

I believe that your discovery of the feckion is the only explaination for these anomolies. I'd also urge you to seek as much government and private funding as necessary in order that we fully understand these particals and their impact on everyday life.


The Nr Fairy
31st Oct 2002, 13:40
Having read the posts above, shouldn't the thread title be "fundament particle physics" ?

31st Oct 2002, 14:05
Too right, Drapes:

The only two events that are simultaneous in ANY frame of reference: Dump - Rinnnngggg !

Never fails :rolleyes:

31st Oct 2002, 16:25
So, as I understand it, nature calls?

31st Oct 2002, 16:30
Tony I am fairly sure this theory works on the same principal as its always terrible weather when your booked to fly.

Sods LAW :)

Anthony Carn
31st Oct 2002, 17:08
Keep this up, Drapes, and your loo could become a renowned seat of learning.

You could even get a Pee, Aged D !

31st Oct 2002, 17:54
I am always amazed when,going to the kazi for a snakes and then change my mind and go for a pony. Only after this has been successfully accomplished do I notice the loo roll holder is empty. Presumably the conscious mind emits a disappearon at the very moment of decision. At any rate a cloud of Draper radiation is emitted (highly charged feckions) at such moments.

tony draper
31st Oct 2002, 18:16
Aha!!! you may well have hit upon something here Loki,
Schrodingers toilet roll ,no less.
Or Heizenburg uncertanty toilet tissue.

31st Oct 2002, 19:15
Another entire roll gone !

I know for a fact I can't have used up a whole one in just a couple of days :eek:

Must be those pesky aliens again :mad:

31st Oct 2002, 19:15
I would be interested to know the long-term ramifications for quantum physics of this latest discovery. Perhaps we need "Crap's Constant" to predict the possibility of a micturition-interruptive event occurring within a given time-frame so that forward predictions of suitable times for waste-elimination could be made.

Crap's Constant might be based upon the need to go (scaled by an appropriate factor according to time of day), divided by the number of telephonic/electronic devices which can emit sounds requiring attention raised to the reciprocal power of the square root of the number of times the devices called for attention over the last arbitrary period.

Hmmm...I can see a huge reserach project forming, the results of which will inevitably go "down the gurgler" as we like to say in Oz. :D

31st Oct 2002, 19:27

you have missed out the other annoying problem of having a bath!!!!:eek:

Babe not really a bath gal, but when I do have a bath I like to enjoy it, relax with the candles burning, glass of wine, etc. Yous all get the picture I'm sure!! (Feel I should point out at this stage that I do have showers daily, before some bugga calls me smelly!!!!:p )

So why does the fecking phone ring as soon as I get into the bath:confused: Is there a webcam link in Babe's bathroom to let the whole world know when to call?????

Or does this strange phenomina fall under the same thing as your "toilet" problem Drapes???

31st Oct 2002, 19:33
Quantum mechanics explains it all Mr Draper. The two rings are entangled...........

Anthony Carn
31st Oct 2002, 20:20
......rings entangled.....ouch, this is making my eyes water !

It'll be atomic piles next ......... :eek:

31st Oct 2002, 23:24
Unfortunatley Tony a lot of hotels have long known the "Draper Feckion Principle" which is why a lot of hotel rooms have feckion-absorbing phones next to the toilet itself.

This phone has to be located as close as possible to the toilet within arms reach. This critical arms-reach distance is known as the "Draper Radius" where feckionic neutrinos are absorbed so early in there carreers that they break up on contact with the phone. This is proven by the fact there are no calls recieved when one is engaged in a crap on a hotel dunny fitted with said phone. Hotel door ringers have a "Do Not Disturb" sign you hang outside the door. These signs are coated with a reflective substance that causes feckions to deflect away from the door ringer switch outside the room.

Using E=MC2 we find interestingley enough that the amount of feckions emitted in ones life time can cause 30, 650 phone/door rings, or put another way one produces a total length of 127.67 nautical miles of feckion-emitting lumps of sh!t (M=E/M2).

1st Nov 2002, 00:30
Slasher has raised an interesting point.

The high reliability prediction of the non-event ie the call that does not come when ensconced on the hotel room throne, will be known as Draper's Ring of Confidence.


1st Nov 2002, 07:05
Here is the link to ATCBabe bathroom webcam :D


(could not resist - soz)

1st Nov 2002, 13:25
Oh no!
You are gonna so die when she sees that! :o

1st Nov 2002, 16:25
Brings to mind the old adage a ring in the bath is worth two at the door.

1st Nov 2002, 23:24
F o F

mistake my friend

you talk of analfeckion

this is a little known affliction until recentley and i understand the current thinking in scientific hierarchy groups are that this is in no way related to toilet seats or the use of at all

keep up there are various rings i have been told on and off topic :rolleyes:

2nd Nov 2002, 12:06
I think slasher is on the right track, but rather than the phones absorbing the feckions, I posit that anti-feckions are produced by telephones, and it is the anti-feckions cancelling out the feckions that stop the feckions reaching the phone to cause it to ring.

However the anti-feckions obviously decay at a faster rate than feckions meaning that if the phone is too far away to be reached, the feckion will reach the phone and not be cancelled out. Thus is the rate of anti-feckion decay that defines the Draper radius.

How does it feel to have a physical constant named after you, Drapes?

Anthony Carn
2nd Nov 2002, 13:28
So you need to move your phones to within:-

dr(max) = ( 2x365.25x24x60x60 Laf ) c


dr(max) - max phone to loo range in ft - the "Draper Radius"

Laf - antifeckion half-life in years ( antifeckion active nuclei 0.25 of conception activity assumed to be the limit of effective use )

c - speed of light in ft/sec

m - mass is obviously a constant ( if you're regular ). Any m variation may be due to its conversion to gaseous form. This is easily detected (pooweee !)

Niaga Dessip
2nd Nov 2002, 21:16

I don't think the bathcam is the problem..... with that in place surely nobody would want to disturb you with a phone call?!:eek: