View Full Version : Clean Joke

26th Oct 2002, 12:45
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve his two dilemmas in one foul stroke. He took out an insurance policy on his wife and arranged to have her killed. Put in touch by a friend with a shady underworld figure who went only by the name of Artie he met up with him and explained the deal. Artie quoted £5,000 for the job and insisted on money up front. The young husband said he could only pay when the insurance came through,but Artie was insistent.

The man opened his wallet and there was only a single pound coin inside.

Reluctantly Artie accepted this as down payment.

Several days later he followed the man and his wife shopping at Sainsburys and surprised her in the produce department. There he strangled her,but as she lay dying a security guard turned up. He couldn't leave any witnesses and so he proceeded to strangle him also.

Unfortunately, all this was caught on CCTV and the police were called. Artie was arrested before he even left the building. Under the intense questioning he admitted to the whole sordid affair.

As a result the headline in the newspapers the following day was :-


Mr G.
:) :) :)

26th Oct 2002, 12:50
Mr Grubby,
I remember your jokes from when we worked together,They haven't improved then.

26th Oct 2002, 13:03
Sorry Flower, I try my best.
They were good days were they not ?
Miss the banter, but not the Sh*t.
If you get offered early retirement, take it. !!!!!

Mr G.

:) :) :)

Warren Rabbit
26th Oct 2002, 13:28
Well, I liked it. :)

27th Oct 2002, 02:04
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists . . . Two men
and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent
said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This goddamn gun is
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.:p :p

27th Oct 2002, 04:56
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man
says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity
any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

27th Oct 2002, 07:25
Bloke walks into a pub, with a frog on his head, goes up to the bar & says "pint of lager & a coke for the frog please."

The barman pours the drinks, puts thenon the bar & says "Two ninety please"

The guy pays & stands at the bar drinking away.

Half an hour goes by & the guy repeats the order. This goes on two or three times until the barman, unable to contain his curiosity any longer says to the guy " how did you get a frog on your head?"

The frog leans forward a little on the guys head & says "Well, it all started with a boil on my ar4e"! :rolleyes:

Alpha Leader
30th Oct 2002, 03:50
In a New York park, a young boy was attacked by a savage dog.

A passer-by happened to see that and came to the rescue. Having tackled the dog, he strangled it to death. A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took snap shots for a front page picture in the next days paper.

Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published in tomorrow's paper under the headline - Brave New Yorker fought savage dog to rescue small boy".

"I'm not from New York" replied our brave hero.

"Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American rescues small boy".

"I'm not American either" replied our brave hero. On being asked about who he really is, our hero replied "I'm Sudarmo from Indonesia".

The next day the headline on the front page of The New York Times said:
"Muslim Fundamentalist strangles American dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible link to al-Qaeda."

You want it when?
30th Oct 2002, 08:41
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --- William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --- Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --- Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --- Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a Frontal lobotomy. --- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --- Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --- Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --- Kaiser Wilhelm

You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor. --- Anonymous

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." --- Anonymous

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --- Dean Martin

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! --- Anonymous

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group. --- Anonymous

Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine. --- Anonymous

30th Oct 2002, 09:12
Marvellous!! every one a winner.:D

30th Oct 2002, 11:41
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer ?

A. Put it in a microwave oven until it's Bill Withers.

I thank you.

30th Oct 2002, 17:46
a man enters a butchers shop and says
"have you got a sheeps head"

"no" says the butcher "it must be the way i part my hair" :D

30th Oct 2002, 22:18
How do you get holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

31st Oct 2002, 12:26
Found on a gliding website:

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any problems. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware. Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with Freesex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Nova Programme, it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother- in Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas?

31st Oct 2002, 15:25
A Pork Pie walks into a pub.
Says to the barman, 'A pint of bitter please'
'Sorry' says the barman,'we don't serve food in here'

A cowboy rides into town and hitches his horse outside the saloon. He gets off and goes round to the back of the horse and lifts its tail and kisses it fair and square on its *rse.
He walks into the saloon and orders a wiskey.
Barman says, 'Say cowboy, did I just see you kiss your horses ass?'
'Yup' says the cowboy.
'Tell me cowboy, why did you do that?' asks the barman.
'I have chapped lips' replies the cowboy.
'Does that cure them?' asks the barman.
'Nope' replies the cowboy 'but it sure stops you licking them'

Mr G
:) :)

Grim Reaper 14
31st Oct 2002, 15:29
Please tell me why the first joke on the last thread is funny. If it said, "Sorry,we don't serve food here", I'd get it. Otherwise...:confused:

I'll bet the bu99er'll edit it now, won't ya Grubby !! :D

31st Oct 2002, 15:44
Sorry Reaper !!!
Torping error and Brain (whats left of it) Blockage.

Duly edited.

Mr G.

You want it when?
31st Oct 2002, 15:58
An English man, a Scotts man and an Irish man walk into a bar,
Is this some sort of joke said the barman?