A Day in the Life

[MPT]

G'day all,

It's all got a bit serious here of late, so I think that it's about time for something to cheer up Mr 76, Mr. Flare and the rest. I would love to claim credit for this, but alas I borrowed (stole?) it from JH. Hope you enjoy it.



A day in the life of a helicopter pilot (note that each job is unique!!)


Grand Canyon Tour
Get up at 430am, drive 90 miles to the ditch, have 5th cup of coffee, pre-flight, pee, get in start up, load up the Midwestern beefeaters, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour, Can I have a break? No? Ok, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for 30 minutes, fly for an hour, get out tie down, PEE, drive 90 miles home, eat sleep repeat.

Hawaii Tour
See above but get to wear funky Hawaii shirt and shorts

Offshore Oil
See above but the tourists smell bad and the river is a lot bigger.

Tuna Boat
See above but you get to chant where da fish where da fish.

Powerline Patrol
See above but you get to say tower one, tower two, tower three, tower four, tower five.......tower 496,tower 497 etc

Pipeline Patrol
See above but you get to say, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup it’s a pipeline,....... **** there's a wire! Ok, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline, yup its a pipeline,

EMS
Get to work, have 7th cup of coffee, pre-flight, pee, news at 6, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, BEEP BEEP BEEP, Motorcycle vs. a big rig, fly 20 minutes, load patient, Yuuuuuuuko that looks like it hurts, fly 20 minutes, offload, debrief, eat sleep eat sleep eat sleep. Go home.

Logging
Get up at 5, have 3rd cup of coffee, pre-flight, comin up, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, log, Wipe up Cojoe's puke, log, log, log, log, log, log, etc shut down, go home, drink massive amounts of beer with log hookers.

Fire
Get up at 4am drive an hour, have 9th cup of coffee, mission plan, you want to WHAT? put on bucket go to fire oh big fire, up down turn around fetch a pail of water. repeat 160 times. shut down, wait until 14 hours is over. Out of duty time find tent, eat at base camp, visit little blue room, sleep, up again at 5am, repeat

Instructor
Get in at 9am, have 10 cups of coffee, three cigs and wait for no shows, Non English speaking student shows up, pre-flight, flight, SCREAM I HAVE THE CONTROLS, repeat 20 times, After hour flight clean shorts, repeat 5 times, go home knowing you’re the pilot god that saved the R22 from the clutches of the student pilot, get on PC and type resume, yup getting there, 252.4 hours, look for way to get turbine job without flight time, go to sleep thinking how great it would be to be working as a real pilot!


Cheers,

MPT

[Barannfin]

Not really sure how to take this, but I can tell ya the logging one is spot on, except u forgot to say that the pilot freezes his hands off in the winter with them puny gloves.

[Mark Six]

Hmmm, the EMS is pretty accurate except the amount of flying is grossly exaggerated.

[Aesir]

Hehe that´s really good. I would like the EMS pilots job :)

But seriously not all helicopter pilot jobs are like that. I work scheduled route traffic to many different towns and settlements in Greenland, flying a well equipped B222U. We fly about 3-4 hrs a day, on a 30day on/ 30 day off schedule. Weekends off with the odd EMS flight every now and then.

There is alot of fun jobs out there, but I bet those repetive flying jobs can be hell, might as well be a fixed wing pilot.;)

[HeliMark]

Have to add..

Go to call and orbit, next call orbit, next call orbit, next call orbit same house for two hours. Need gas, get gas, go back to same house, orbit for next hour or two. Swear that you saw the grass grow and orbit some more.

Disclaimer: This is not an everyday occurance as a fair amount of us do search and rescue stuff also.:)

[CyclicRick]

Ha Ha you forgot the pleasure flight weekend at the local village fete: Get up at 8 go to hangar pre-flight, fly 20mins to location to be there at 10 sharp 'cos it's going to be a runner...no-one there. Wait 'til 1230 when you're hungry and it starts drunken farmers 7 min trip, snotty kids 7 min trip, know-alls 7 min trip, bad breath and smelling of sweat 7 min trip, NICE blond!!! 9 min trip. stop for two hours due to restrictions and noise abatement the same again all afternoon until 7 pm and wait for the complaints.
The blond was nice though!

[ClearBlueWater]

all my aspirations debased in one swift stroke;) instructing gets more attractive with every day i don't fly.

[Steve76]

EMS pilots get to sleep!
Obviously they aren't in the training dept...:D :D

You could also add....

Scene call - launch, cancelled, 30 mins paperwork, scene call - launch, cancelled, 30mins paperwork, scene call - launch, cancelled, 30mins paperwork....(Enter line of thuderstorms).
You want us to go where? OK lemme check the wx...Hmmm, Ok, yep no worries, dodge CB, dodge CB, dodge CB, notice wx a little poorer than stated, get IFR clearance, convince cojoe it will be alright, remind ATC you are MEDEVAC, land, pickup, file, dodge CB, dodge CB, dodge CB, fly flawless ILS. Land wipe brow, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sle......

:D Smiling again!

[Randy_g]

For those of us stuck doing initial attack in the province of Ontario during the summer.

Get up at 10 am. Drink coffee. Go to fire attack base. Drink cup of coffee, and eat a Tim Hortons bagel with cream cheese. Pull covers off of a/c. Preflight a/c. Clean windows. Attend morning briefing. Weather hot, humid, no lightning overnight. Go and wash off the dust that's accumulated on the machine overnight. Drink more coffee. Pull out lawn chair. Grab novel. Move lawn chair to shade. Pee. Read. Move chair. Read some more. Pee. Have lunch. Wander around fire base. Move lawn chair. Look at Cu building and pray for some nice dry lightning. Read. Move lawn chair back into sun. Eat mid-afternoon snack, drink water/juice/pop/coffee. Get up and go pee. Move chair back into shade. Do another pre-flight. Go into office and check on weather, and if there's been any lightning. Siren goes off. Run to a/c, fire up, and away we go. Fly for 20 minutes. Check out reported smoke, that turns out to be saw mill. Return. Shut down, tie down. Pee. Move lawn chair. Get another drink. Read. Pee. Go to office to check on alert status for the next day. Chat with radio operator/secretary/anybody. Go back to hotel around 9pm. Shower. Go for supper, if any place is open. Drink beers. Repeat for 6 weeks. Go home, harass wife. Return. Repeat.


Cheers

http://randyspics.tripod.ca/gifs/naughty.gif Randy_G

http://randyspics.tripod.ca/gifs/man_grilling_hamburgers_sm_wht.gif

[TwinHueyMan]

Lets not forget the EMS crews operating in an area with another EMS operator competing on a lazy day...

Get up, go to airport, do the morning round on the aircraft, go into little house built on tip of non-controlled general aviation airport, do the morning paperwork, lay down on couch, watch news, watch sitcom, watch news again, watch infomertial, fall asleep, wake up, eat, watch news, fall asleep, get up, read paper, go look at helicopter "yup, still there"...

...hear the scanner babble, run in thinking you'll hear warning of a callout, nope - just a cat up a tree, say hello to paramedic that just woke up, eat, scanner babbles about serious car accident, get shoes on, wake back seaters, gather round the scanner and telephone, wait, listen, yup its gonna be a callout, anticipate, hear rival company stake claim, say "****"....

...lay down, more news, food, more infomertials, listen to rival company pilot doing very scary evening landing on a windy mountain road, hear the fright in his radio transmissions, more news, food, new crew arrives, get in car, go home.

The one day I was at the helipad all day, not a single call out for me to hitch a ride on. Damn you Mercy Air!!! :)

At least the food was good.

Mike

[Hingeless Rotor]

Of course the Mustering game,

Get up off floor, trip over numerous ringer's out cold on floor with head in buckets. Go out side for pea, scratch, burp.

Light on the horizon, sprint to machine. Trip over HF aerial, hang yourself on tie down, bang head on tail boom. Daily as best you can with torch light and insight.

Kick machine in the guts......shut machine down......put fuel in. Kick machine in guts, jump out, spew on ground next to machine, get back in and wait till you can read MAP gauge.....launch.

Dodge trees, hills, termite mounds. Find property after 2 hour ferry. Land, pea. Ringer strolls over and asks if you have ever mustered before. Laugh at ringer. Ringer asks if you have a helicopter license. Laugh at ringer. Ringer says the last bloke here rolled up the machine, but was the best pilot he had ever seen. Laugh at ringer.

Fuel up using broken fuel pump........Launch. Find boundary fence. Find cattle. Find water. Find more cattle.

Look at cow butt, look at cow butt, look at cow butt, look at cow butt, cow butt with daggs, cow butt with half a calf hanging out....leave that cow butt!....look at cow butt, look at cow butt, that cow butt looks looks rather tasty.....compare cow butts, start to enjoy looking at cow butts.

mongrel cow lays down, buzz, hit siren, hit on head with skid, throw stash of rocks, fire pistol............land. Run up to cow. Push on her butt, yell bad words at her, kick up butt, poke stick up butt......give her a pat on the head, get back in machine.

8 hours later after low fuel light, low rpm, vortex rings, rotor strikes, ringer puke, broken hand pumps, contaminated fuel, no water, greezy berdikan duck, several nasty words, mongrel cattle, 15 8mm rounds, and a good laugh, we fly back to station.

Have amber fluid till you are dreaming peasefully of cow butts. Wake up with a jerk, get up off floor....................................................... .

[Weight and Balance]

A day in the life, certification testing version:

Get up at 3:00 AM for dawn take off, drive to plant, unlock hanger, start coffee. Phone missing telemetry room staff, push out helicopter, check weather. Power up telemetry and find what's broke.

Shut down telemetry, tell FTI to fix it, phone missing telemetry room staff. Second coffee. Check weather, scrub planned flight, pick another, and move ballast. Drive out to home of last missing telemetry room guy and wake him up.

Figure out what telemetry really works, scrub second planned flight, pick a third. Move ballast. Third coffee. Lock everyone in telemetry room.

Dawn mission finally launches about 10:00 AM. First data point not good enough for engineer, repeat. Second try at first data point not good enough for telemetry room, repeat. Third try not good enough for pilot, repeat. And so on until your butt goes numb or you run out of tape....

Land, unlock telemetry room, review tapes and charts. More coffee. Check weather, pick next mission, and move ballast. Weather shifts, pick another mission and move ballast. More coffee, then try to find telemetry room staff. When you've found them, the wind has picked up. Scrib planned mission, pick another, and move the ballast. Telemetry room staff goes for lunch, and the wind dies down. Pick another mission, and move the ballast.

On a good day, lock the telemetry room again, and fly a second mission. On a bad day, harrass the FTI and flight line to fix everything, and try to get a weather forcast for the next morning. If it's remotely good, tell everybody to try for dawn again tomorrow. Ignore dirty looks, mumbling, and outright death threats from the telemetry room guys. Have another coffee. With luck, you'll be home before dark.

Of course, all this assumes you are working from base. On a road trip, all the above takes place while working out of a tent in some location chosen for it's remoteness and record setting bad weather. It can be very tricky, trying to lock the telemetry guys in to a tent.

[Robsibk1]

Hi!!!

And tat's the day of a low time pilot without a job!!!!!

Get up at 09:00am,drink coffee ,pee,write resume ,write resume ,write another resume,pee,send resumes eat wait ,wait ,wait for replys,write more resumes and wait more time...........................
next day get up at 09:00 ............................................................ .............................................
Roberto

[whatsarunway]

corporate pilot

Up at eight push out heli , tea and a smoke , pick up boss , 6 empty seats! start engine , fly 5 mins, notice eng2 at zero, forgot to start eng. 2 ,hope nobody notices , fly 45 minutes wait 9 hours in back of heli , no zippo , try to ligt cigerette with heat from exhaust , wait for passer by with same stupid questions, get light , 2 packets later wonder about medical , fly 45 mins push heli in . Forgot to pee

[ShyTorque]

Whatsarunway,

Corporate pilot? It depends who you fly for!

Get up at 0500, drive to airport. Stuck behind same tractor as yesterday for six miles at 20 mph; no room to overtake. Get to motorway, slow down as yesterday's traffic jam has all got up 30 minutes earlier. Find gap, drive like stink for next 20 miles to catch up. Get to hangar, check aircraft, make sure it's clean inside, check A, refuel, weather, NOTAMS - hell that new NATS site is effin' useless. Notice a new programme on wall that is different to your copy. That early finish is gone and it's now ten sectors instead of four - and BASTARDS! It's a nightstop that wasn't there last thing yesterday, they said didn't need overnight kit today. Oh goody, that means no kit for three days now as I won't be back home tonight to collect it.

Book out and go. Weather crap, IMC letdown at other end but land on time. Wait one hour 15 minutes in freezing cold for passenger to arrive. See him inside adjacent building, drinking coffee and reading newspaper. Late for second sector already. Need a pee, must do it now. Stride towards large unsuspecting bush. Oops no, passenger's here, turn back. Passenger gets in with dog shlte on left shoe, spreads it on aircraft carpet. Passenger sits down and complains of smell in aircraft. Say sorry, will switch on aircon when started. Start up and go. Passenger presses call button and says smell is worse and it's too cold in here. Apologise for smell, resist temptation to say it's you that smells, turn heat full up. Call button again. It's too hot and smell still there but now smell of burning too. Turn heat full cold, pull call button CB and carry on. Hear loud knocking noise. Check Ts & Ps. All normal, but knocking still there. Look round, passenger knocking on cockpit window. Give thumbs up, point at radar, then select seatbelt sign ON. Induce turbulence by raising and lowering collective sharply. Look round, passenger sat on floor on dogshltty carpet. Better avoid further turbulence, so release collective.

Land, passenger delivers duty bollocking. Nod, apologise, think bollocks back, smile broadly noticing as pax departs he's now wearing dogshlt on rear of coat.

Next pax load already here, complaining about late arrival. Apologise for late arrival, not my fault. Stand by fuel gauge, advise refueller, STOP! No time for pee again, load and go.

Land again, two pax now been sick due to smell on carpet. One didn't get to sickbag in time, used newspaper cone instead. Can I get rid please as must dash for important meeting? Throw wrapped cone into hedge, followed by own breakfast revisited, puke down own shirt in process. Wipe on tie, pee in hedge to flush. Tread in dogshlt on way back to aircraft, step into muddy puddle to rinse off but get socks soaking wet due to overflow into shoes. Violently leap out of puddle, kicking mud all over lower trouser legs and cockpit windows. Use rest of newspapers to clean worst off. Now smell like aircraft so don't notice any more.

Next eight sectors pass in a blur, only three more bollockings, a good day in that respect but missed lunch as usual. Catch up to programmed times so only 1900 now. Put aircraft to bed on small grass airfield, check A, fuel, clean more mud off windows. Do paperwork for tomorrow, early start again.

Wait two hours for taxi in pouring rain. Hold legs out to wash off mud on trouser bottoms. Soaking wet but clean. Drip dry into shoes and taxi all the way to seedy hotel. Apologise for late arrival. Too late to get food. Too tired to eat anyway. Early breakfast please. No? Oh well, better check out now as well please to save inconveniencing the staff. Get to room just wide enough to open door. No TV remote and shower doesn't run hot. Ah yes, no overnight kit either. Remove pubic hair from sliver of used soap in shower tray and take cold shower wearing puked on shirt to clean for tomorrow. Remove shirt and place on hanger over bathtub. Clean teeth with corner of towel, wipe shoes and trousers with opposite corners of same (only) towel.

Switch on TV, only one channel covering important debate on this week's party political propoganda proposing free haircuts for asylum seekers' pet poodles. Try to get interested but prefer free poop scoops . Wake up shivering cold with severe crick in neck to Open University programme, I think. Yes, must be, they're all wearing flares. Time is it? Stomach's rumbling..Ten past three a.m. Oh good, only two more hours till breakfast time...Oh no, I was just dreaming of a bacon sarnie.....well maybe I'll get lunch instead.

Lie awake with stomach now groaning, thinking about McDonald's. Must be able to get a better job there....Alarm clock goes off. 0500hrs. Out of bed quick, got that shirt to iron.

Turn underpants around and socks inside out (can do the opposite tomorrow, if still got no overnight kit). Iron u/s but shirt still very damp. No problem, take deep breath and put on freezing cold shirt; it does say minimum iron anyway. Try to fasten top button but fingers very cold and break button in two. Hotel sewing kit! Find it in to drawer next to Gideons' bible. Bu@@er, no needle, somebody's used it already.

Put on tie, look in mirror, smooth down hair with palms of hands. Don't I look a mess. Crumpled jacket hiding even more crumpled shirt with no top button, tie pulling collar together. Trousers, now very creased but at least dried, show tide mark from muddy puddle yesterday. Dulled shoes still emitting vague unpleasant doggy odour.

Stagger down to reception, climb in taxi in pouring rain. Driver attempts to strike up a conversation by saying "Travelling light, aren't we? On a jolly then?" I just groan.

Arrive at aircraft and begin preflight. Soon soaking wet and cold again but at least doggy smell now gone from shoes and creases and tide marks all washed out of trousers. All done, wander over to ops portacabin where far-too-cheery ops man sitting in front of electric heater takes one look at me and says sincerely "Lovely morning eh - looks like the rain's stopping. You corporate boys eh, you live a glamourous life don't you - and I'll bet that uniform gets the girls every time, don't it?"

Er, not exactly...:rolleyes:

[sierra-papa]

Good one ShyT !! Had a good laugh !! Reminds me of certain episodes of my own. Only that you could swop where you say "rain and still cold" with "soaking from sweat and still hot"
:) :)
sp