Never fly with a full bladder

[tcasblue]

Wasn't sure what forum I should put it in but it was from an ex-military pilot who probably saw stuff like this during service before becoming a test pilot.

About Mutt Summers.....

Jock Bryce recounts that on his first flight with Mutt in the prototype Viscount 630 he was astonished to see Mutt beginning his pre-flight checks by relieving himself alongside the main wheels. “Never fly with a full bladder,” was his advice, “I know people who crashed with one and it killed them!”

[meleagertoo]

What is it about wheels that makes men want to pee on them?

[Less Hair]

Just keep empty oil cans until after the flight.

[langleybaston]

The act of relieving can be symbolic, ritualistic, superstitious.
Until my arthritic fingers made it impossible, I was a keen bell ringer, achieving a goodly number of Quarter Peals all over Lincolnshire ...... 45 minutes of concentrated mental and physical effort, and dedicated teamwork in a six or eight member team.

The point [I knew I would get there] is that before the first Quarter many years ago, I needed a pee round the back of the church. Thereafter it was a ritual never to be missed.

[Union Jack]

Wasn't sure what forum I should put it in but it was from an ex-military pilot who probably saw stuff like this during service before becoming a test pilot.

About Mutt Summers.....

Jock Bryce recounts that on his first flight with Mutt in the prototype Viscount 630 he was astonished to see Mutt beginning his pre-flight checks by relieving himself alongside the main wheels. “Never fly with a full bladder,” was his advice, “I know people who crashed with one and it killed them!”

Curiously enough, I can recall my Father telling me that Sir Stirling Moss made a very similar remark in relation to motor racing, and a quick shoogle with Google confirms the potential dangers of injury or death.

Jack

[ShyTorque]

Nothing worse than when you struggle to tog up with an immersion suit and LSJ only to realise you need to go. Unless you’re hung like a donkey, gaining access via the outer zip, unrolling the tube with the horizontal lolllipop stick on the end and then searching within the suit through underpants and long johns tangled up with a vest, an aircrew jersey and a woolly pully was a nightmare. Especially when it was a cold day...

[West Coast]

What is it about wheels that makes men want to pee on them?


There’s something to that, known a few who have. Heard it said it cools hot brakes nicely. I’ll keep my distance while they try.

[NutLoose]

I must have higher standards than you lot, As I have been known to urinate off the engine decking of the Puma.

[gums]

Salute!

I always peed by the gear so the bird would have a scent to return to.

Worked everytime except for weather or enemy attack diverts, and then the one time I had to deadstick into an international airport. A chinook brought the jet back home a day or two later and it flew again after patching up some holes.

Gums sends...

[Ascend Charlie]

ALWAYS have a piddle before takeoff, you never know when the next one will be. But being caught inside a cloud in very cold temps, half-way through the outbound leg of a VOR with a dopey student taking his time, was not a pleasant experience.

He wondered why, instead of the pre-briefed missed approach, we did an auto to the far corner of the field, where I leaped out and broke the seal. On the back of the skid. The intercom lead didn't let me go any further back than that.

[Ascend Charlie]

And there is a story of an airborne Mirage pilot being able to remove the seat harness, parachute harness, Mae West, G-suit, unzip one-piece flying suit and wriggle it down, and cr@p in one of his flying gloves. (He finished as a 2-star.)

[Barksdale Boy]

The side of the crew chief's hut was always good enough for me.

[Busta]

Late at night, many years ago, on the ramp at St Mawgan I watched a Dutch 104 pilot pee over his tailpane! Obviously not before flight, but after a lot of beer.

[EWIS]

Pee over an F-104 tail plane? He must have been hung like an elephant!

[ExRAFRadar]

Nothing worse than when you struggle to tog up with an immersion suit and LSJ only to realise you need to go. Unless you’re hung like a donkey, gaining access via the outer zip, unrolling the tube with the horizontal lolllipop stick on the end and then searching within the suit through underpants and long johns tangled up with a vest, an aircrew jersey and a woolly pully was a nightmare. Especially when it was a cold day...

I always thought that the bit above in bold was a prerequisite for Fast Jet pilots.

[teeteringhead]

I always thought that the bit above in bold was a prerequisite for Fast Jet pilots. No no no no no. It's the WATCH that's big, whereas ...

[charliegolf]

No no no no no. It's the WATCH that's big, whereas ...

Is 'watch' spelled 'e-g-o' in zoomie speak, Shy?

CG

[charliegolf]

I must have higher standards than you lot, As I have been known to urinate off the engine decking of the Puma.

I hope you yelled, "Below!"

CG

[Fareastdriver]

I believe that in the 19th century a coachman was legally entitled to relieve himself against the rear right hand wheel of his coach. This was so his horses wouldn't wander off wondering where he had gone to.

[stevef]

A long time ago I worked for a company that maintained two Oil Pollution Dakotas, one based in Exeter and the other in Kinloss. Every so often they'd be rotated for scheduled checks to be carried out. For those not familiar with these aircraft, there was an empennage access door in the rear bulkhead that opened about two feet above the floor of the toilet compartment (which was used for spare oil, engine covers, control locks and chocks but had no toilet!). On the other side of the bulkhead were elevator and rudder control cables and pulleys a couple of inches above the lower skin. I once asked one of the crew what they did if they needed a slash as it was a long flight at Dakota cruising speeds. You can guess the obvious reply. :eek: We never saw the evidence because the skins had drainage holes to stop water collecting.
So, not only had they cheerfully been corroding the control cables, we'd been checking them for fraying and their pulleys for freedom with our bare hands for Christ-knows how long...
They were nicely told to use an empty oil bucket in future.

[Bob Viking]

Twice my bladder has caused me concern whilst airborne.

The first time was a formation transit from Souda Bay to Ancona in a Jaguar.

As we taxied I had a niggling suspicion that I should have gone for another wee (I always pee before donning g pants but after the walk round I felt like I could go again). As we got to the holding point I really needed to go but thought I could handle the 90 minute transit.

An inbound passenger aircraft with an emergency meant we held for about 30 minutes before finally departing. I should have unstrapped then but didn’t want to hold up our departure.

The following flight was agony and is the only time I have ever put pins in, unstrapped airborne and had mini-Bob in a pee bag.

The problem was, psychologically I couldn’t make myself pee even though I was in bladder twitching agony. So I resolved to wet myself. But I couldn’t even do that.

So after turning my g pants off for the break (I didn’t want anything squeezing my bladder) we landed, missed the right turn to dispersal and had to vacate left and wait to cross the active.

So to all those people watching the formation of Britain’s finest at Ancona airport in 2005, that guy who relieved himself over the side of a Jaguar with engines running was me.

The second time my bladder let me down was over South Dakota in a Hawk on a transit from Chicago to Rapid City.

My bladder caused an unplanned diversion to a place called Mitchell, South Dakota. Look it up! There’s not much there but we discovered, after landing, that they did have jet fuel and we ended up with a fine lunch in town.

I try to stay close to base now and drink less water!

BV

[Penny Washers]

And countrymen used to pee on the fire at home in order to damp it down for the night.

At least one of them continued the habit into old age, until he went to a residential home, woke up in the night, and peed on an electric fire they had left on for him . . . .

True story.

[Saintsman]

Never mind a pee, it was a dump that I needed before flying.

Not so convenient when I used to fly hang gliders on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere...

[Innominate]

Some 40 years ago, when I worked for MOD, I was involved in a field trial in Germany. One of the squaddies - despite the abundance of trees he could have aimed at - had a pee against the side of his APC, at which point his NCO gave him a good talking-to, explaining in no uncertain terms that Ronny REME would check the vehicle, think it was an oil leak, dip his finger in and lick it to confirm it was oil...

[tcasblue]

And there is a story of an airborne Mirage pilot being able to remove the seat harness, parachute harness, Mae West, G-suit, unzip one-piece flying suit and wriggle it down, and cr@p in one of his flying gloves. (He finished as a 2-star.)

I heard a similar story in this part of the world in terms of going through all the motions in his fast jet in order to get into the proper position that it was........just a large amount of gas.

[Uplinker]

.............I was a keen bell ringer, achieving a goodly number of Quarter Peals all over Lincolnshire ...... 45 minutes of concentrated mental and physical effort, and dedicated teamwork in a six or eight person team............before the first Quarter many years ago, I needed a pee round the back of the church..............

I've only done a few full peals so far, (up to 3 hours' ringing as you know), but I never would attempt the extreme length ones some crazy folk do; when they require, ahem, assistance with a bottle during ringing !!!

[Deltasierra010]

If you do pee on your aircraft do be alert for corrosion, you will be surprised how quickly metal changes.

[langleybaston]

I've only done a few full peals so far, (up to 3 hours' ringing as you know), but I never would attempt the extreme length ones some crazy folk do; when they require, ahem, assistance with a bottle during ringing !!!

There was a story [I hope not true] that a peal was completed in these parts some 30 years ago with the tenor having mistaken gas for semi-solids. The conductor insisted that the band finished the task in hand. My true story involved number four losing his trousers, to reveal blue shreddies. He always wore braces thereafter.

[Fareastdriver]

The Whirlwind 10s in SAR was once fitted with a pee tube that ran into a bag in the cabin. A trick that could have been used was to wait until the operator was just about to finish and then bang a size ten boot on it.

It never happened; honest.

[Pontius Navigator]

Many years ago, 1950s, a Valiant was making a first tour around America. At one airfield, and I have a feeling it was Honolulu, there was a high powered reception committee. The captain briefed the crew, when we stop, let me get out of my flying suit the open the door and I will get out first. They duly stopped, the door open, the band struck up, and "there was a little flash of khaki, and there was Arkie, down the ladder, to the main wheel and . . " Well you can imagine the rest.

[Easy Street]

And there is a story of an airborne Mirage pilot being able to remove the seat harness, parachute harness, Mae West, G-suit, unzip one-piece flying suit and wriggle it down, and cr@p in one of his flying gloves. (He finished as a 2-star.)

Same detail for at least one GR4 pilot and one nav (excepting the 2-star bit, and on separate occasions, I hasten to add) during those long Middle Eastern patrol missions. The pilot learned the wrong lesson from it: subsequently equipping himself with toilet paper and a spare helmet bag lined with a plastic bag, at least things were marginally easier (and cleaner) for him on the repeat performance a few months later...

[flown-it]

Disembarked in Singapore during the Malaysian campaign of the 1960s gave us plenty of time for "war stories". One, which I believe to be true, recounted a night flight in a vampire while under training. Said pilot needed a pee and decided to do it into his glove. Now what? I know. Open the DV window and chuck it out! OOPS! Said liquid ended up frozen on the inside of the cockpit!

[Big Pistons Forever]

I spent a few years flying a DC6 firebombing. The mid cabin emergency door was hinged on the forward side. If you needed a mid flight pee you just popped the lock and the door floated open a few inches with a nice vacuum at the opening. Whip it out and the stream went into the gap and disappeared with nothing on the airframe. Worked great until the, rather heavy and not very fit, other crew member decided to go for wizz when we were coming home on top at 16,000 ft in an area with a 15,000 ft MSA. He did not take a walk around bottle and passed out by the emergency door. Now we operated this as a 2 crew airplane with no autopilot so this was not a good situation. Fortunately it was smooth air and the good old 6 was wonderfully stable so I was able to run back with the walk around bottle slam it on his face and then run back to my seat with the airplane still flying along nice and straight.

The guy was pissed at me because I hurt his nose during my very enthusiast application of the O2 mask.:rolleyes:

[Herod]

True story. Trislander, North Sea ops. A long time on the ground in Norway, too many cups of coffee. Nice headwind on the way back to Aberdeen, and P-hour was going to be before ETA. Those who know the Trislander will know it's an open-plan aeroplane. We had a bar-box on row 2, so I treated all the passengers to a shot of whisky. leaving a half-full bottle. That was emptied into the (company) thermos, and, with the F.O. muttering "disgusting", said empty bottle was soon filled. A great relief, but there was a twist to the tale. I was honest, and declared the half-thermos of whisky to the lady customs officer, who charged me duty on it "to discourage crews bringing in alcohol". I honestly couldn't explain the extenuating circumstances. :=

[unclenelli]

I once heard a story of a Vulcan crew on a trans-Atlantic landaway. The Nav (Radar or Plotter) used his pee-bottle on the way to Canada, then stowed it under his desk.
On the way back he needed to use it again, but realised he forgot to empty it, so with the sub-zero temps at altitude, found himself with a large ice-pop!!!

[Compass Call]

I believe that in the 19th century a coachman was legally entitled to relieve himself against the rear right hand wheel of his coach. This was so his horses wouldn't wander off wondering where he had gone to.
This was so that the ladies of the day, passing by on the pavement, wouldn't swoon at the sight of the male appendage!
This law is still in effect today for London hackney carriage drivers but I suspect another law would see them marched off to the pokey!

CC

[langleybaston]

This was so that the ladies of the day, passing by on the pavement, wouldn't swoon at the sight of the male appendage!
This law is still in effect today for London hackney carriage drivers but I suspect another law would see them marched off to the pokey!

CC
My "first employment " was as a bus conductor, awaiting A Level results. This was on the 5/ 5B route, Brighton Hove and District Omnibus Company in 1955.
Neither end of the route had a public convenience. Urinating as described above was routine, allegedly legal..
A tad awkward if the little old ladies clambered on the bus before the todger was deployed, but needs must.

[Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!]

I was hauling freight one night in a C402 when they guy with me said he just HAD to take a dump. So he unbuckled, picked up a cardboard box, went back and after a few seconds there was a horrifically disgusting smell in the cabin. Seriously, it was a paint peeler and I have NO IDEA how the smell made it forward given the age of the airframe and the amount of airflow through all the leaks in the cabin

I have to say I was tempted to haul back on the yoke, figuring that would make him weigh a little bit more than normal with the obvious consequences, but hey I'd probably have to fly with him again, so I held off on that one

When we landed he shoved the cardboard box, with the evidence into a regular bin on the edge of the apron near the terminal building. I'm not sure what else he could have done tbh, but still, what about the poor b@st@rd who had to empty the bin . . .

[FullOppositeRudder]

Glider pilots have given this matter considerable attention since once you get really serious about the sport and take on the challenges it presents, long flights are almost always involved. In the early days you simply hung on and drank as little as possible. More recently, adequate hydration is the go, and so more attention has been given to the technicalities of getting rid of the end product. Goog' provides quite a useful series of writings and discussion on the matter:

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=Glider+pee+tube

(Stop laughing, this is serious ... )

[Audax]

Once knew a USAF exchange pilot who in a previous existence had been a FAC in Vietnam flying the push-pull Cessna. Inevitably, on one longish sortie, Motezumas Revenge set in and he really had to dump. Enterprisingly, he used the rather natty bone dome bag he had. After landing, he left said bag outside the line hut whilst signing in, equalling inevitable the bag was nicked by a local. You can only surmise the surprise when the thief opened his prize.

4 ship Lightning tailchase, in winter, all wearing goon suits with the old style attached boots. Walking in, No 4 seems to be treading warily. Seems that with the first hefty pull, the g-suit hit his bladder with the unfortunate after effect of filling his boots (not in a good sense).

[Ascend Charlie]

Heard this one third-hand, so it might be Urban Myth.

The Chinook had a Relief Tube under the right-hand seat. Occupant of that seat needed a wee, but didn't want to do it sitting down, so he pulled the tube out to the left side, unstrapped and stood up, and started to have a wee while standing between the seats.

Other pilot needs to reduce power, so lowers the Thrust Brake (collective) which pinches the relief tube between the lever and the seat. Pilot wonders why the lever won't go down any further, and copilot sees that the tube is full and backed up to overflowing, with the flow still flowing. Pilot calls to copilot to get back in his seat, as he thinks there is a control problem. Copilot clenches off the flow and re-zips, but has a full tube in his hands.

Pilot says "SIT DOWN!" so copilot releases the tube, to much splashing of product on self and aircraft. Resumes seat, asks pilot what the problem is, and both then realise what had happened.

[vascodegama]

Similar fate fell on my captain on Victors when we were 2 hours short of ASI , half way through his bladder emptying he noticed that the liquid had stopped going down. He then tried to investigate an got a backflow. Luckily I managed never to use the facility and moved on to ac with proper facilities.

[ExRAFRadar]

Apologies if this has been posted before.

Bad day at the office

[easyJetCrew]

Nothing worse than a turbulent approach with a very full bladder. I've had a few occasions where I've been hoping not to need to discontinue. Rather embarrassing after a missed approach PA to then nip out to use the facilities!

[Zeus]

From thevintagenews (https://www.thevintagenews.com/).com

According to legend, the famous Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin had to relieve himself, just as he disembarked the bus that was taking him to the launch ramp. In the absence of a better solution, he simply urinated on the bus’ tire, unknowingly starting a tradition that would outlive him and become a necessary ritual among all other Soviet space-dwellers before their missions.

From that day forward, there allegedly hasn’t been a single space mission both during the Soviet Union and the current Russian Federation that has skipped this custom.

[teeteringhead]

From that day forward, there allegedly hasn’t been a single space mission both during the Soviet Union and the current Russian Federation that has skipped this custom. Bit trickier for Valentina Tereshkova ...........

[BEagle]

One Summer we flew our mighty Tin Triangle to Malta for a 2 week detachment....

After the usual pre-flight planning, meal, crew-in and snag rectification, we finally took off and pottered up to join airways at FL430. The AEO had drunk rather too much tea pre-flight, so not long into the flight he decided that he needed to use the delightful relief facility. For such a small chap, it seems that he had a surprisingly large bladder; whether or not that overstressed the system I do not know, but it split and decanted the contents over the cabin floor, before trickling down to the lowest part of the floor...

The crew entrance door. Where after a couple of hours, it froze.

We then descended into Malta where, perhaps unsurprisingly, it was quite hot - around +30 deg C.

Striding out to greet us came the DetCo, known to us all as 'Paddington Bear', in his smart KD shirt, shorts and bondhu boots clutching a six-pack of Cisk. As soon as the engines were shut down and the chocks were in, Paddington opened the door from outside, receiving a tidal wave of AEO pee in the process. Up front we heard Paddington's yell of outrage "You buggers - I bring you out some beer and all the thanks I get is that you pee all over me!".

Good chap, he did at least see the funny side. But it cost the AEO a fair few beers!

Worse though was a certain Scottish Victor captain who had occasion to use the ration box for other than the intended purpose, earning himself the nickname, when he came to the VC10K, of Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop!

[Cornish Jack]

The late 'Cav the Nav' S&R instructor at Valley had a tale of his early training in Ansons. He was in the right hand seat and somewhat desperate for relief. The Anson had a drift sight fitted alongside the right seat and so, our hero removed the the drift sight and, kneeling on the seat, introduced 'Percy' into the mounting aperture. As we are all aware there is a venturi effect generated by airstream past such an aperture - and so it proved! The result was immediate and ( as he described it) extremely painful! Retrieval was even more so (Makes my eyes water to think of it!). A swift RTB was followed by a rapid visit to Sick Quarters (barely hidden mirth0 and a number of weeks of painful walking!.

[Carbon Bootprint]

We all gotta do what we all gotta do. I always try to pre-relieve, but our friends at a certain GA pilot shop offer these. I've used one before in anger (aka necessity), and found it to be rather clever and useful. YMMV.
https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/210x210/sporty_cup_bda97de77017dd0d750dfdab41daef3c7d362d84.jpg

[cheese bobcat]

I'm really surprised that no one has mentioned the problems at Goose, where our inflight rations included a plastic bag of milk which in the summer was off before we started. Once opened there really was nowhere to put it. Ah! The pee-tube. How many times did we forget to empty it, until next time it was needed in earnest?

CB

[Rocket2]

When I serviced Brawdy's Meteors, the legendary Puddy Catt would always pee on the port wheel before crewing in. I was somewhat disgusted by this & eventually asked him why he did it (expecting a serious ticking off). He just stared at me & said "just making sure it knows whose the boss SAC ...." - fair enough - especially from such a lovely chap.

[MadJackMcMad]

A sobering reminder therefore that while there is still only one single-seat single-engine aircraft that flies on its own across the great oceans everyday - it has better facilities than anything mentioned on this thread!

[Pontius Navigator]

I once heard a story of a Vulcan crew on a trans-Atlantic landaway. The Nav (Radar or Plotter) used his pee-bottle on the way to Canada, then stowed it under his desk.
On the way back he needed to use it again, but realised he forgot to empty it, so with the sub-zero temps at altitude, found himself with a large ice-pop!!!
Vulcan Pee Tube stories could fill a book:
Crew Chief, post-flight, 'someone spilt some orange squash, it's frozen on the door'
'It's not orange squash chief'

Pee Tube checks:.
Bottom bung -secure
Chrome funnel - secure
Pee Tube secured on bracket - check

Then don't kick it.

And he who filled it, empty it

It was then left empty on the nose wheel for sanitising
​​​​​​
​​​​

[Pontius Navigator]

In Cyprus we had a rather previous flight commander who threatened anyone having a last minute pee in the bundu with indecent exposure. Fortunately he was soon posted.

[Deadstick126]

I was recently on a flight with my brother in his Conquest when I had to go. I've had bladder cancer and have no capacity for holding it. Fortunately, he had some plastic baggies on board so I unstrapped, grabbed a baggie and crawled my way to the back during some pretty good bouncing around. I got on my knees and very carefully filled the baggy, never spilling a drop. He has actually filled the baggy in his seat,

[jayteeto]

A current air rank was flying with me over Belfast at 10,000 in the early 90s. Short version. He donned crewman harness, climbed out onto the Puma step, shut the door, peed, climbed back in. At night.
Respect

[taxydual]

A story related to me by the former ADC to the the Great and Noble ACM The Earl of Bandon (Paddy to all and sundry) former C in C FEAF. Himself and his Good Lady, Lady Lois, were flying from A to B (wherever) in the C in C's aircraft (Dakota?), when his Good Lady needed the facilities. Being a basic aircraft, the facilities consisted of a curtain and an Elsan. Apparantly, halfway through the Good Ladies ablutions, the aircraft hit turbulence and half a gallon of Racasan engaged the Good Ladies nether regions. Paddy was still laughing when he departed the aircraft at destination.

[charliegolf]

A current air rank was flying with me over Belfast at 10,000 in the early 90s. Short version. He donned crewman harness, climbed out onto the Puma step, shut the door, peed, climbed back in. At night.
Respect

A crewman woulda peed in a sick bag and donated it to the good people of Belfast. Whilst remaining in the warm!

CG

[ShyTorque]

A crewman woulda peed in a sick bag and donated it to the good people of Belfast. Whilst remaining in the warm!

CG

Practical as always, but not quite as stylish!

[The Banjo]

And there is a story of an airborne Mirage pilot being able to remove the seat harness, parachute harness, Mae West, G-suit, unzip one-piece flying suit and wriggle it down, and cr@p in one of his flying gloves. (He finished as a 2-star.)
AC,

The average sortie time of a mirage was around 0.7 hrs. Knuckleheads were renowned for having short attention spans and would have called bingo fuel before finishing the job.
Ay Bloggs..

[Capn Bloggs]

Originally Posted by Ascend Charlie View Post (https://www.pprune.org/military-aviation/631434-never-fly-full-bladder-post10746255.html#post10746255)
And there is a story of an airborne Mirage pilot being able to remove the seat harness, parachute harness, Mae West, G-suit, unzip one-piece flying suit and wriggle it down, and cr@p in one of his flying gloves. (He finished as a 2-star.)
He trod well, I believe. ;)

The average sortie time of a mirage was around 0.7 hrs. Knuckleheads were renowned for having short attention spans and would have called bingo fuel before finishing the job.
Throw on some big tanks for a "long-range" transit and the boys could be in real trouble! :}

[Ascend Charlie]

It was on a ferry flight from Darwin to Isa, big jugs full, he was number 4 in the formation. While attending to his business, the other 3 turned over a navaid, and when he looked up, his mates were nowhere to be seen. Frantic radar search and a blast of power to catch up, ground crew wondered why his bird took more fuel than the others.

Bloggs, it wasn't Jimmy, it was some device.

[PaulH1]

"A male may urinate in public, so long as it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle, and his right hand is on the vehicle."

Not sure if this is true but a widely held belief. Also not sure if it applies to aeroplanes!!

[teeteringhead]

A current air rank was flying with me over Belfast at 10,000 in the early 90s. Think we can work that one out JT.....

[Tengah Type]

In the Canberra B15 there was a bladder with a metal funnel and cap, usually stored on the floor between the two navigator's bang seats. There was only the aircraft skin between the said device and the outside air temperature of minus 50. After a long transit at height it would be the same temp as the outside air. One day en-route from HK to Singapore the pilot had need of said device. After adjusting his harness and clothing he applied his member to said frozen device. The subsequent rapid removal also removed a large piece of skin!! Very painful and as it was only a couple of weeks after his honeymoon new wifey was not impressed!!

A similar device was also in the Victor 1. One day the Captain used the device, and as he passed it back to a rear crew member, the bung in the bottom fell out depositing the contents onto the fuel system control panel. Carefully returned to Marham and debriefed the groundcrew about the " Spillage of Liquid over the fuel tray" " I know sir, I tasted it - Orange Squash wasn't it" "Yes Chief"

[ShyTorque]

Think we can work that one out JT.....

If it’s who I think it was, he was my last Puma student!

[oxenos]

a metal funnel and cap
There was a similar device on the Shackleton. Since the Shack had an Elsan, it was allegedly for use if a pilot was taken short during Action Stations at low level and could not go aft.
The only time I was one used was during the Majunga detachment. It was mounted on a wooden plinth, stuffed with issue condoms and presented to the member of the Sergeant's Mess, deemed "Animal of the week". One F/E won it 6 weeks in succesion.

[OmegaV6]

The "orange squash" attribute also works in reverse .... on the Herc we had latrines that simply vented overboard ... whilst on a USAF exchange visit doing some close-ish formation work with a USAF Herc "uptight" behind us a certain ALM with a well known penchant for practical jokes poured the best part of a gallon of orange squash down the latrine ...... cue much swearing from the trailing Herc and after several expletives the question .. "who the **** can pee for that long !!! " ........ 😆

[cavuman1]

Alan Shepard, the United States first man in space, was known as "The Ice Commander". I was fortunate to shake his hand at a signing of his (and Deke Slayton's) book, Moon Shot. Lengthy holds delayed his launch atop his Redstone rocket on 5 May, 1961, and after relieving his aching bladder into his spacesuit, he told Capcom:"Let's light this candle!" And off he went. He did sign two books for me, and as he handed them to me, I said:"Admiral, thanks for lighting that candle." He fixed me with his steel-blue eyes for what seemed an eternity, then gave me a toothy grin and a wink. One of those moments one never forgets....

Here is a detailed description of Shepard's Orange Smash adventure, excerpted from Real Clear Science:

On May 5, 1961, astronaut Alan Shepard became the first American to fly in space. He did not, however, become the first American to urinate in space, as he had already relieved himself in his spacesuit while waiting on the launch pad.

The piddle, which eventually short circuited Shepard's medical data sensors, was the result of a physiological oversight by NASA. Agency officials figured that the astronaut would be able to "hold it" for the five hours that he was suited. Due to launch delays, however, Shepard ended up spending a total of eight hours in his restrictive garb, firmly fastened to the lone seat within the Mercury capsule. There was no possible way for him to get up and use the container for liquid waste, which was supposedly located near the entrance hatch.

http://www.realclearscience.com/blog/F2.medium.jpg
Before Shepard's historic mission, attempts were already underway to devise a urinary collection device for long duration flights. One of the earliest efforts was born out of the United States' U-2 program. A long-distance, high-altitude reconnaissance aircraft, the U-2, which is still in service today, flies at 70,000 feet, and thus requires its pilots to don partial pressure suits. So that the plane's pilots could relive themselves during extended flights, early versions of these suits made use of an in-dwelling catheter, "a tube threaded up the length of the penis inside the urethra and into the bladder." Urine that enters the bladder is siphoned through the tube and into a bag. As you can imagine, this was not a popular solution. Such a device evokes an indescribably awkward pain when inserted, and remains uncomfortable throughout its stay in the urinary tract.

After Alan Shepard's momentous flight, NASA hired James McBarron to oversee the efforts of B.F. Goodrich -- the company that designed the Mercury spacesuits -- to incorporate a urinary collection device. Their efforts came to fruition in time for John Glenn's 1962 orbital flight. The device they created consisted (http://airandspace.si.edu/collections/artifact.cfm?id=A20100111000) of "a wearable containment belt, latex roll-on cuff, plastic tube, valve and clamp, and a plastic collection bag." John Glenn made good use of it, excreting a substantial twenty-seven ounces of fluid during his single space urination, a full seven ounces more than the capacity of the average human bladder.

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Why such a large amount? Nerves lining the bladder sense when liquid starts to accumulate, prompting initial urges to pee when the bladder is only one-third full. But low-gravity environments throw a wrinkle in this system. As Mary Roach explained in Packing for Mars: the Curious Science of Life in the Void:

"In zero gravity, the urine doesn't collect at the bottom of the bladder. Only when the bladder is almost completely full do the sides begin to stretch and trigger the urge. And by then the bladder may be so full that it's pressing the urethra shut."Luckily, John Glenn's urinary collection device worked splendidly. Otherwise, he would have been in for a damp, disagreeable trip around the Earth.

- Ed

My uncle was President and CEO of B.F. Goodrich when that company designed and built the Mercury series space suit. Behind his desk, my uncle had hung a large oil portrait of a beautiful sky with large puffy cumuli. The brass placard beneath the painting identified it as "The Goodrich Blimp"!

[Tengah Type]

Omega V# 68

Worked from the VC10 Galley as well - allegedly!!

[pulse1]

I was proudly watching a member of my family displaying a Lynx just off the beach a few years ago. Suddenly, at the end of his display, he shot off and landed on a RFA ship anchored off. I thought, "I didn't think that was supposed to happen." Apparently he got caught short and needed the "facilities" rather quickly. The worst bit was trying to obey the notices around the flight deck "No Running"!

[jayteeto]

First, we didn't have a 'crewman' as such and they were very busy in the back. Second, we thought about the sickbag...... none available!
We discussed a "swamp"......... rejected!!
I was massively impressed by him that night, it was pretty cold

[charliegolf]

I was massively impressed by him that night, it was pretty cold

Hence my 'stayin' in the warm' comment!

CG (freezer by nature)

[ShyTorque]

I was rather surprised to be trusted to go “solo” on ground running a Whirlwind 10 at Chetwynd on my second ever trip.

My QHI was in desperate need to inspect a tree.

[cynicalint]

I never had a problem! Nine and a half pint bladder, certified RAFH Halton.

[teeteringhead]

My QHI was in desperate need to inspect a tree. Think I first realised how much I loved rotary during my Sioux Basic Course.

On the "Navex" from Ternhill to Valley - using the Alpha 5 Linear Navaid - my instructor gave a quick "I have control" and swiftly put us down in a field, unstrapped and ran to the hedge, and then walked back in a more relaxed manner, to resume the trip. [of course, I had nearly 20 hours rotary at the time .......]

Oh dear - having checked Log Book Volume 1 to confirm dates etc, I discover that was more than 50 years ago..........

[Herod]

Hi teeteringhead; Love the phrase Alpha 5 Linear Navaid, but I don't think many people would understand it nowadays. A fine piece of IFR equipment. I have a lovely photo on the wall of a Sioux over the Menai Bridge. I did that navex in the Whirlwind, just prior to the sea and mountain phase. September '66. Was there ever such a date?: it seems as though from another world

[teeteringhead]

Hi Herod. Took me an hour-and-a-half in the Sioux (including pee break!). Into a headwind so we were overtaken by many cars........

And me being a young chap, that was in November '69.

[Herod]

That's not bad at all. I flew the westbound twice in Westlands "speedster", and logged 1:50 and 1:20. Only one eastbound, and we must have found the jet stream! Only 1:15

[Cornish Jack]

t'head and Herod - the nostalgia buzz again! A tour at Valley followed by one at TH made for a multitude of vivid memories - in retrospect, probably the busiest 'work' period in my Service time and all the better for it.From Cedric down, a super group to work with and for!

[Herod]

Happy days, when we all had more hair and less waistline. And bigger bladders!!

[teeteringhead]

Best time Shawbury to Valley in a Gazelle was 1.00 - and that was in grovelly weather to pick up a pax. Very low cloud base/vis, so poor comms at FL 2 foot 6. Crossing the Menai Straight, called Valley:

"Passing Point Alpha" (I think their nickname for the Menai Bridge).

"Say again C/s, broken, barely readable"

"Crossing the Straights inbound"

"Say again...."

"Just passing Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.. .."

"Roger, call a/f in sight to Tower!"

[Herod]

Smartass!!

[Pontius Navigator]

Of the Shackleton, we had a USAF chap along for a trip. When required we directed him to the facilities down aft.

Shortly afterwards came the appeal from one of the crew, descend below 10 thousand Skipper, everyone off oxygen.

Our pax had relieved himself down the oxygen tube.

[FireAxe]

Was on a low level sortie out of a RAF Station in NE England in a Merlin when it was still in RAF service. We took some pax with us and one of them was a young lady from ATC. After approx 2 hours we started heading back on an IF recovery she gets my attention explaining she needed to go rather rapidly as she had been holding it for a while. Still 20 mins out she was advised to hold it a bit longer which she replied she was already at max overload capacity. Cue getting the pax to all shuffle up front ‘look at all the knobs in the cockpit and don’t turn round’. Gave her a sick bag and suggested she crack on, tap me in the shoulder when she was done.
Once all seated again she spent the remainder of the flight clutching her ‘bag’ after she offered it to me to sort and I politely declined!

Fire Axe

[NutLoose]

At Brize out on the pans you just went, I soon found I could sign my name with it as I emptied my bladder and was soon decorating all of the aprons, it was easily readable especially from the steps and was erm commented on several times, my boss was not amused and made me walk out to one pan with a bucket of water to remove the evidence... but fear not old habits die hard as they say...

[langleybaston]

Brilliant. Pray tell us how to do it: script, italic, capitals, lower case ..........
A great leisure hobby for the self-isolating.

[teeteringhead]

Reminds me of the tale of an irate father, who discovered his daughter's boyfriend's name "written" in a similar fashion in the snow by the front door. He really gave off to the daughter the next morning:

"Oh come on Dad, it's only a joke, did you never do it? What's the big objection?"

"It's in your handwriting!"

[ShyTorque]

Brilliant. Pray tell us how to do it: script, italic, capitals, lower case ..........
A great leisure hobby for the self-isolating.

If you’re really full to capacity you can show off by underlining everything.

[ShyTorque]

Reminds me of the tale of an irate father, who discovered his daughter's boyfriend's name "written" in a similar fashion in the snow by the front door. He really gave off to the daughter the next morning:

"Oh come on Dad, it's only a joke, did you never do it? What's the big objection?"

"It's in your handwriting!"

I once heard that joke told at a dining in - by the Padre!

[NutLoose]

Brilliant. Pray tell us how to do it: script, italic, capitals, lower case ..........
A great leisure hobby for the self-isolating.


FREEHAND...... well one, anyway..

[langleybaston]

If its cold enough for snow I might not be able to find the pen.

[Pontius Navigator]

I do morse 😶

[langleybaston]

That will be the prostate

[Wensleydale]

There was a similar device on the Shackleton. Since the Shack had an Elsan, it was allegedly for use if a pilot was taken short during Action Stations at low level and could not go aft.
The only time I was one used was during the Majunga detachment. It was mounted on a wooden plinth, stuffed with issue condoms and presented to the member of the Sergeant's Mess, deemed "Animal of the week". One F/E won it 6 weeks in succesion.

We took a couple of American airman on a flight in a Shackleton during a detachment to Keflavic in Iceland. Needing a pee, one of them was pointed to the Elsan down past the galley. A few minutes later we noticed that one of the passengers in the galley looked a bit sheepish while the other was convulsed in laughter: the quiet one he arrived in the crew area a little flustered:

"Gee Sir. I think I've made a mistake".

Instead of using the Elsan, he had relieved himself into the oxygen tube next to it. A quick word off intercom with the flight eng followed: he gleefully made the call on intercom:

"Don't fly above 8 thousand skipper. One of the Yanks has p*ssed into the oxygen system."

Two faces turned backwards from the pilots' seats as they tried to comprehend the situation. The flight back to Kef was made more interesting by the debate about how far back into the system the fluid could travel, and what to do if there was an emergency requiring oxygen. Back at Kef it was found that it didn't get past the elsan's economiser, so all was all right, although a strictly "not above 8" was followed on the transit back to Lossie.

[cynicalint]

I managed to draw a sinusoidal curve on Gibraltar High Street for about 400 yards from Casement Square to the pub which had an anvil in it (Can't remember it's name).

[BEagle]

We took a WRAF ATCO on a Vulcan trip once. The rules didn't allow her to fly on a low level bombing trip, so it was a 5+ hour MRR boat-spotting bore-ex. Of course the inevitable question arose and she was briefed on the limitation of the crew relief facilities. The ever-helpful (?) ground crew suggested a large funnel, pee-tube and speed tape arrangement in the vis bomb aimer's area, but she simply said "Aren't these immersion suits supposed to be waterproof?".

We never did find out....

[PaulH1]

I was on BFTS Cranwell on the JP5a when we took a few aircraft up to Lossiemouth for low level training in the mountains. There was low cloud on arrival and forecast to stay like that for two days. A Shackleton squadron ( I can't remember the actual squadron number) was based there and on the second day of our detachment with no let up in the weather due, we were in the mess bar having a few beers with the Shackleton crews.
Our Squadron Commander came in and made an announcement that there were two seats going on a Shack trip in the morning. Briefing 07:30 for an 8-hour radar training flight. Not surprisingly there were no volunteers and we all were making ourselves as small as possible, but in true tradition, two were 'volunteered'. I was one.
On arriving at the briefing with a thumping hangover we were reunited with one of the Shack crews that we had been drinking with the night before - equally hungover. After squeezing ourselves in we were shown where to sit and where the pee tube was. After take off we headed out over the North Sea and the crew were getting stuck into their radar tubes when after about 2 hours a voice came over the intercom 'skip, no 3 radar tube U/S' . Reply 'OK no.3, that's it then, we will have to abort mission'
Our hopes suddenly rose, were are going back! The next intercom voice from the Skipper 'We are still overweight so will have to spend an hour dumping fuel'
The boys, now with nothing to do, started getting bored and decided to have a farting contest. After the beers the night before it was horrendous. Seasoned Shack crews against a couple of boys out of initial training!
I have never been so pleased to get of an aircraft since!