Ops Funnies

[FOMere2eternity]

Thought this forum was a bit dry, so how about a few Ops funny stories ? This one isn't the funniest story in the world but it might start the ball rolling and get some more...

Whilst stationed at a remote base in Canada:

As well as Air Ops the desk was manned 24hrs by a duty guy which led to a lot of the wives seeing the place as a "help desk" for anything whatsoever that went wrong domestically. The most unusual being a wife telling me the exercise bike in the gym had broken - everyday Ops kind of stuff...

Anyway, one day it snowed lots and, if someone's husband was away, the company had a duty team who would go and plough people's driveways - bookable through the admin people upstairs. It seemed Mrs X couldn't get through to them, so, of course Air Ops were the obvious people to call next.

After her calling about every 30mins, because she had to get out to do some 'urgent' shopping, I started to get a bit miffed, having repeatedly told her the boys would get round to her as soon as they could. When I was interupted briefing a crew by same said woman, I thought I'd put a stop to this.

"Mrs X - I'm sorry the snow plough people haven't been round yet - I'm the only person in the building. The CO downwards are all on the runway with shovels trying to clear the surface for a 747 with 400 passengers onboard that's got 3 engines on fire and is running out of fuel rapidly"

Mrs X's problems suddenly appeared to dissipate and I never heard from her for the rest of my time there :)

[Cheshire cat EGHH]

Didn't know ops had a sence of humour
:D :D :D :D :D

[Molesworth Hold]

Do you mean funny Ha Ha or funny peculiar? If you want the latter try and get some sense out of the baffled beings at EGOS Ops.:p

[FOMere2eternity]

...it would appear we don't...

A few years back a group of us operating at a "foreign far east airport" were sent a rather naieve bloke to help us out. This airport was high security and had people dressed liked air cadets on every corner of the building checking passes. We thought we'd have a little fun with the new bloke.

He mentioned he was just off to the public toilets, so I quickly quipped "don't forget to pay the toilet attendants" (ie. the blokes stood around on every corner). He laughed nervously, not sure whether I was kidding or not and departed. By the time he'd got back I'd tipped off another member of our group and she 'checked' he'd payed the staff for using the toilet. He nervously said yes, implying he still didn't believe us.

An hour later, I told the boss of our group and he called all 5 of us into the office and said the airport manager had heard another westerner hadn't paid toilet tax and that he was fed up with it - threatening to speak to our consulate. The boss asked each of us individually if we were guilty and the bloke in question denied it, as we all did. After he asked us all he flippantly said "right then - we'll just have to check the CCTV footage and I'll go and tell the airport manager to f*** off"

'Guilty' bloke went white and quickly left the room, grabbing me outside and said "I did go then BUT I didn't DO anything - I just washed my hands". Battling to keep a straight face I advised him to grab the boss quickly and tell him so we could diffuse this potential diplomatic incident.

He spoke to the boss who voiced his anger mildly and told the bloke to report to the airport managers office immediately and explain his actions. Bloke disappeared nervously and we planned to intercept him on the way - problem was he took a different route to the one we expected and we lost him in the airport - we JUST managed to get to him as he was about to knock on the airport manager's office door.

We made up an excuse as to why he couldn't see the airport manager there and then and, in the interim, several security guards benefitted from mysterious 'toilet tax' payments before we eventually told him. :)

[canberra]

heres a few. an lac after having a look through the binos"eh you get a great view through these binoculars" a thick scope dope telling me that oerland were on runway 39, a woman ringing leuchars ops with a low flying complaint we took her address, she lived in that well known scottish county of somerset! i took a low flying complaint on a saturday from a town in fife called anstruther, i asked the woman if she recognised the aircraft type" yes it was a nimrod" i asked her if she was sure and she was adamant. so after i took the complaint i rang kinloss, they said they had aircraft airborne and they shouldnt have been anywhere near fife. so i rang the tower to see if they were working anything at the time and the nimrod that was over anstruther turned out to be a c130!

[FOMere2eternity]

Vulcan is doing a practice display at Marham:

Angry civvy from local village phones to complain that the Vulcan appears to be circling over Narborough deliberately.

"Sir, I can assure you that the aircraft won't be circling over Narborough as it's a populated place"

"well it bloody well is and has been for 25 minutes"

"you must be mistaken, Sir"

Radio in front of me, in clear earshot of the phone:
"TOWER - VULCAN01 HOLDING OVER NARBOROUGH"

Doh ! :(

[offload]

The difference between an airliners' engines and an airliners crew?

The engines stop whining when they get on stand.

Sorry - couldn't resist that one.

Cabin Crew girlie walking through the cabin hears someone clicking their fingers behind her trying to get her attention. She duly ignors the chap. Same thing happens on the way back through. She turns to the chap, bends down and says in his ear, "It takes more than two fingers to make ME come Sir" and minces off again.

Good Day.

[Doctor Cruces]

Doing the usual "Kinform" at LYE one Saturday evenening, called a wife to tell her her old man was going to be a couple of days late getting home due to a re route or something.

She told me in a very pleasant manner that she didn't really mind if he was late home, but she really DID need to know if he was going to be early.

Hmmm!

Doc C.