Airline humour

[Capt Wannabee]

Something to read in case you are bored!

Anybody got any good airline jokes or flying related jokes?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."



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Is that supposed to happen....??

[eagerbeaver]

i think i heard this one on here;

'what is the difference between a pilot and god?
'god don't think he's a pilot'

ho ho

[Jetheat]

Hilarious, Keep em coming.

This is a true story!

A pilot was taking off in a passenger filled aircraft when suddenly after Vr, a wheel of the aircraft actually fell off!
The fuel tanks were full and the pilot didn't want to land above Maximum Landing Weight, so he kept circling through some heavy turbulence.
When he finally made his way onto Final Approach and touched down, he managed to tilt the aircraft, balancing it on only two tyres until it almost came to a standstill. The aircraft settled down and nobody was hurt.

As the pilot came out of the cockpit to see if everyone was alright, the passengers noticed his name tag.

It read "Bond".

[loganairlad]

LTN>GLA (guess the airline) after a rather firm touchdown the cabin crew announcment was:

"For those few of you left in any doubt, we have now landed at Glasgow Intl....."

It was trick wx (windshear) so a bit unfair IMHO.

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You start off with an empty bag of experience and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

[dingducky]

story i heard

As part of a private pilot ground-school curriculum, I take my studentson a tour of the Deer Valley (Ariz.) Control Tower. During one recent tour, the two controllers on duty happened to be women. As one began
her introduction, she said, "The first thing we want you to notice is that this is an unmanned facility!"




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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

[AffirmBrest]

The old 'most attractive attendants in the industry but none on this flight' gag was done by a skipper at my airline - Some male pax complained strongly and he got a REAL b*llocking.

There is no longer any place for humour on our aeroplanes...


Or is there? :)

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...proceeding below Decision Height with CAUTION...

[GreasedItOn!]

News is just coming in about a major air disaster. Apparently, just over an hour ago, a two seat Cessna light aircraft crashed into a grave yard about two miles East of Belfast. Irish rescue workers have reported that 131 people have been killed and more bodies are expected to be found.


On final approach to Manchester Airport, an Irish pilot decided to abort the landing. He rejoins the circuit and tries again. He does this several times during the hour but just can't seem to put the plane down. Finally, the pilot explains to the confused passengers, over the PA system, that the plane is running out of fuel and so he must land the plane next time. He announces "Please prepare for an emergency landing. It is going to be very tricky because although the runway is two miles wide it is only 75 metres long."


Ryanair pilot was preparing to land at Birmingham International Airport. Air traffic control requested "Speedbird 156, please report your height and position." The pilot replies "Good evening Birmingham ATC, I am 5ft 7 and I'm sitting in the captain's seat."


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."


Found these on another site, enjoy :)

[Capt Wannabee]

Keep em coming!! :)

Anyone got anymore?

[GreasedItOn!]

Got lots Capt, just not mine :) Lotsa cutting and pasting going on here...

Q: What is the definition of a non-precision approach?
A: A blond on an ILS


"VOODOO flight expect a reroute in 5 minutes..."
"WHY??"
"There is a lot of traffic between you and your destination, we'll have to bring you around.."
"In how many minutes again?"
"FOUR MINUTES.."
"OK, EXPECT A RADIO FAILURE IN THREE MINUTES!!!"


"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"


A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door number three. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell."


"Actual" Transmissions Made in the O'Hare TRACON
- "Citation 123, if you quite calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
- "You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."
- "Don't anybody maintain anything."
- "If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."


A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."


Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him


The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation..
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimum’s.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

:) :) :)

[GreasedItOn!]

A few more :rolleyes: Got a feeling this might be off to JetBlast soon...

"Pilot Performance"
One day a sweet young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behaviour. She sat down to think and came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport, as there was a wide range of different people going through.
After about three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate .Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...."
The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three or four questions, she asks him "and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked... she looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?".
"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so .. but it's only 2015 now..."


"The Pilot's Prayer"
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.


"Good knowledge of radio procedure.."
Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.


"How to make people feel at ease..."
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."

[Colsburg]

was on a qantas flight last summer and part of the emergency announcement went "should this flight turn into a luxury cruise then please exit the aircraft....."

[Capt Wannabee]

Please no-one take offense at this!! :rolleyes:

Jet blast here we come!! :)

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."


She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."


To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bi*ch."



[This message has been edited by Capt Wannabee (edited 20 April 2001).]

[Capt Wannabee]

Its enough to make you cry!! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

During a long flight, a gentleman developed a serious problem. He made several attempts to get into the men's room, but found it to be occupied each time. The flight attendant noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had a look of anxiety on his face. "Sir" she said, "the ladies' room is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." At that point he would have promised anything!
He went to the ladies' room, relieved himself, and sat there savoring the relief. He noticed the buttons he'd promised not to touch. The buttons were labled "WW", "WA", "PP", and the red one was labled "ATR". Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist! The curiosity was too great! He pushed the button labled "WW". Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a contented feeling came over him! "Men's rooms don't have things like this," he thought.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the button labled "WA". Warm air replaced the warm water. It dried his underside thoroughly. The warm air stopped. Without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding the fragrent scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. "The ladies' room is more than a restroom," he thought, "this is a place of tender loving care!" When the powder puff had quit, he pushed the red button marked "ATR" knowing this must be the ultimate joy in the ladies' room experience! The next thing he knew he was in the hosptial when he opened his eyes. A nurse was starring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' room on the plane." The nurse replied, "you pushed too many buttons, Sir." Her smirk expanded to a wide grin. "The last button, marked 'ATR', was an automatic tampon remover ...... your pen*s is under your pillow."

[ROTATION]

BA crewmember in reply to being informed by an irate club-class passenger that "I fly more than you do!!!" :

"Really, you must be a f**king albatross"

TRUE

[Tarmach]

A Jaguar pilot is on finals, when another aircraft has just aborted its take-off roll. To warn the Jaguar pilot of this the RAF female controller who was pregnant says to the Jaguar pilot: “ Go around, I’ve just had an abortion on the runway!!!"

[Lady Heath]

NO BA PILOTS IN HEAVEN

A British Airways mechanic passes away....

Upon being met at the Pearly Gates, he is asked by St. Peter what is his most heartfelt desire. "To NEVER be around any BA captins!" was his emphatic response.

A few weeks later, while relaxing in the Angel's lounge who should walk in but a British Airways Captain in all his regalia. Furious, the mechanic marches off to find St. Peter to complain.

St Peter calms the man by saying, "There are no BA captains in Heaven. That was God...he just likes to pretend he's one."

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What is the difference between God and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.

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GOD AND MONEY

If God had meant man to fly,
He would have given him more money


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THE TOP 12 ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR AEROFLOT:

1 Join our frequent near-miss program
2 Ask about our out-of-court settlements
3 Noisy engines? We'll turn them off!
4. Complimentary vodka in free fall
5. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you
6. The kids will love our inflatable slides
7. You think it's so easy! Get your own darn plane.
8. We might be landing on your street.
9. Terrorists are afraid to fly with us
10. Bring a bathing suit
11. a real man lands where he wants to
12. we never make the same mistake 3 times

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Male pilots are confused souls who talk about women when flying and flying when with women.

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Centre: "Southwest 450, for noise abatement turn 240 degrees.

Southwest 450 "Centre, we are at 35,000 ft, how much noise can we make up here?"

Centre: "sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

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HELICOPTER PILOT -
WHERE AM I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the a/c's electronic navigation and communications equipment. due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the a/c, drew a large sign and held it to the building window.

Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined his course to SEATAC and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copliot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they give me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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DATING PILOTS

How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?

Because he says "thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!

;) ;) ;)

[schuler_tuned]

a.t.c "captain for your information, you were a little to left on your approach and landing"
captain " that's copied, and for your information my f/o was a little to the right"

[ickle black box]

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

Love it, ickle ;) ;) ;)

[PanicButton]

A British RAF fighter pilot gets shot down over Germany during WWII. He is unable to eject and makes a crash landing. He falls in to the hands of the naziz who put him in a military hospital. After inspection the pilot is informed they have to amputate his leg. He says "Alright, but could you be a good sport and drop the leg over the fatherland during your next bombing run". The naziz reluctantly agree to this rather strange request. Days go by and it becomes evident that the other leg has to be amputated because the naziz use the little antibiotics they have on their own people. The pilot asks again if they could pity him and drop his leg over English soil during their next bombing run to England. Again they reluctantly agree. Another few days go by and now it seems they have to take his right arm of. For the third time the pilot asks them to drop it over England. But this time the nazis reply "No we thinks you are trying to escape!"

Bring it on chaps!

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Nothing to see here, just making use of the internet!

[hippie]

well totally potically uncorrect and so are the spellings but here goes

Paddy is on his way to visit his brother Mick in England who he hasn't seenin 20 years.Here sitting in his seat having his small Jameson and the captain comes on the pa "THIS IS MARY YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING WELCOME ABOARD AND I HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT WITH US"
Paddy hearing the female voice takes a big gulp of his whiskey and thinks it will be alright and the co pilot will handle any thing serious.But during the flight the co pilot come on the pa "THIS IS ANN YOU COPILOT SPEAKING AND WOULD ASK PASSENGERS TO FASTEN THEIR SEAT BELTS AS THINGS MAY GET A BIT TURBELANT" with that paddy asks for another whiskey and thinks it alright the flight engineer(old old aircraft before anyone gets tech)will sort outy any problems.But on landing the flight engineer come on the pa"THE CAPTAIN, FO AND MY SELF SHARON WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH XXXX AND HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOU FLIGHT"Paddy listening to this is astounded and when he's gettong off the plane address hte stewardess "TELL THE CREW IN THE GEEPIT THEY DID A WONDERFUL JOB"

[Tigereye]

Captain : "oh my god, oh my god, we're going to die, the red light is on !

Co-pilot : No, no, that's the public announcement light. :rolleyes:

[Pontius]

Two (allegedly) real comments:

ATC: 'American 123, descend to altitude 5000' the QNH 1018 millibars'

AA: 'Okay London, could we have that in inches'

ATC: 'American 123, descend to 60000 inches the QNH 1018 millibars'

---------------------------------------------

It goes along similar lines to the gay steward joke, but is meant to be true from a well known BA Captain

ATC: 'Speedbird 123 turn right 60 degrees and descend flight level 210'

Capt You-know-who: 'Right 60 degrees and descend flight level 210, Speedbird 123 and can you tell me the reason for this'

ATC: 'Speedbird 123 you've got Kittyhawk XXX, with the Queen on board, a short distance in front of you'

Capt YKW: 'Well that's just great. You tell Kittyhawk that he's got just one Queen on board; I've got at least 7 and I'd like to maintain height and heading'

(With broad Cockney accent for affect) :)


Pontius

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You Ain't Seen Me - Right !!

[scroggs]

There's no way this is going to JetBlast; I think we can keep this one all for us!!

[Dirk]

ATC: ABC, say your speed
ABC: "Your speed"
ATC: ABC, say your altitude
ABC: "Your altitude"
ATC, now irate: "ABC, say Cancel IFR FLight Plan"
ABC: "250knots, 8000 feet"


And a buddy of mine, during his first PPL cross-country to Port Elizabeth (SA), was told to report on left downwind 08, and to keep a look out for the Springbok on final approach.....
His reply.... "OK report left downwind 08, but eehh... I don't see any animals up here !!!"

[Ivan Ivanovich]

Latest JAA iniative for sexual equality:

Whenever an aircraft is to be crewed entirely by female pilots, aircraft operators must replace the term 'Cockpit' with term 'Box office'.

[Jetheat]

During my Flight training I was coming in to Land in my Cessna 152 at Daytona Beach International Airport (FL). On Short Finals, I noticed a Delta MD80 waiting for me to land so he could take off.

I continued my approach and said to the tower "Please tell the Delta aircraft to be very careful of my Wake Vortices".

Made the Delta cringe and the Controller crack up!

[Capt Wannabee]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."



[This message has been edited by Capt Wannabee (edited 23 April 2001).]

[Turned and Slipped]

Real Tech Log Entries (allegedly)

Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineer: Almost replaced inside main tyre.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Engineer: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something lose in cockpit.
Engineer: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Engineer: Evidence removed.

Pilot: Number three engine missing.
Engineer: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windscreen.
Engineer: Live bugs on order.

Pilot: Radio hums.
Engineer: Radio re-tuned with the lyrics.


Actual Radio Communication

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?"

Cessna: "Uh, tower.....I am on the south ramp, I just want to know where the fuel truck is."


T&S

[long final]

A C152 was doing circuits with a freshly soloed pilot (and before anyone complains about p.c. this is true) with a very pronounced indian accent. I had heard him do a couple during start and taxi with the usual 'g-xx downwind for touch and go' - 'call final ..... '. Anyhow, Im now holding for him to land, he's on final and ATC asked 'g-xx is this to land?' Silence. 20 seconds later, ATC 'g-xx?' Replies 'I am bloody well hoping so!'


How do you know if there's a pilot at a party? - He'll tell you.

LF :)

[G-BPEC]

one of my personal favourites...

An American heavy is approaching an airfield at night, it's windy, raining and there's windshear on the approach. All this means that the aircraft touches down way too fast, and full reverse is selected, bringing the aircraft screeching to a halt, just in time to make the last turn off on the runway. Just as he is passing 60 knots, ATC come up with "American 123 heavy, if you can then take the next left, if not then turn right onto highway 48 and take junction 2 back to the airport" :) :) :)

some good ones here ;)
G-BPEC

[Capt Wannabee]

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and
unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "F*ck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

[neverdaylight]

a mouse is having a conversation with her girlfriend mouse: "tell me, who is that fellow you're dating". "Oh him", her friend replies " he's a bat". "But he's so ugly". "yeah, i know, but he is a pilot"

[Speedbird435]

I often fly with humorous Captains flying for BA, flying the 744 is a real treat. One of my favorite Capts and I were taxiing at Miami Intnl, for a flight to Heathrow, he was being quite chipper talking to tower, when holding short, tower said "Speedbird 206 Heavy, caution there's a turtle on the runway." The Capt replied, "Is it a large turtle?" Tower came back, "Ahhh negative sir, its about 6 inches in diamater." Capt: "Well, You better tell him to hold on tightly then!" Not long after that we were talking to Miami Center, Me: "Miami Center good evening, Speedbird 206 Heavy with you leaving FL180 for FL330" Cntr "Roger Speedbird 206 continue" The next call was a learjet with a capt with a strong southern accent. "Miami Center, Lear 3GW would like to get up to FL410" Center replied "Rgr Lear 3GW cleared to FL410" the next call was from the Lear to us on center saying "Hey British Big Boy, why dont you come up here with us." Without missing a beat, my capt said "We'd love to Learjet, but our wallets are holding us down."

[InTheAir]

Not strictly humour, but makes you wonder:

An ex-military chopper pilot once told me how he was flying around in the Caribbean (I think) and got caught up in some pretty bad weather. Anyway, he called the controller and asked for a weather update, to which the controller replied (in the best possible Jamaican accent) "well, the weather is fine, skies clear, 20 mile visibility and winds calm", the chopper pilot replied “What are you talking about! I’m at 500ft, it’s absolutely pissing down, I’m getting blown left, right and centre and I can’t see the ground!!!", the controller replied, "Oh yaaah maaaan, I know, but I’m just reading it of my sheet!"

[Red Snake]

What's the difference between a jet engine and pilot?

The engine stops whining when the plane reaches the gate.

[Brat]

Junior Airline Pilot.

Little girl next door hears strange noises coming from adjacent garden. On looking over the fence she spots the small boy from next door sitting on a soapbox with his hands holding on to an imaginary steering column and his legs out, making engine noises. Curious to see what was happening she clambered over and asked him what he was doing.
With a look of intense concentration on his face, he motioned her impatiently away. Not to be put off she persisted. He finaly made some tire sqeaking noises and the motors ceased. Looking up at her crossly he informed her that he was piloting his 4 engine passenger plane full of passengers from Khartoum to London and that they had just completed a full IFR approach and landing at Rome. Her distarctions had very nearly caused an accident.
Fascinated the little girl immediately offered her services as a hostess. The Junior Capt thought about it then agreed that it wasn't a bad idea.
On the next sector the hostess having served innumerable meals and cups of tea to the imaginary passengers finaly got bored on the back of the box and moved round to the front to serve the Captain.
As she swung around beside the young pilot her short frock was rucked up, he noticed that she was wearing no undergarments. Being unfamiliar with the opposite sex he pointed at her lap and asked her what 'that' was.
"That's my sweetie" she replied quite unselfconciously " why, would you like to kiss it?"
" Er,no thanks" the little boy hastily replied " I'm not a real pilot."

[Cardinal Puff]

The Scene: Flight deck of Springbok flight to the UK.

F/A comes to flight deck and asks crew what they'd like for dinner. Captain asks what's available. F/A replies "Chicken, beef, duck and fish." Captain asks "What's the duck like?" After a few moments hesitation the F/A replies "It's like a chicken but it swims."

Crew collapse in merriment and confused F/A hurries from flight deck.

[Tigereye]

More jokes please http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

[This message has been edited by Tigereye (edited 27 April 2001).]