ballistic non-guided
17th Jun 2001, 23:33
Most people wish to fly on the gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of this form of flight.
The following is an extremely simple method for all to use.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low, and if so, which one. This will enable you to keep your aircraft level en route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are of course some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but your passengers as well, and may leave the occasional tower operator with an open mouth as well.
1) Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.
2) Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.
3) Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose and will be more dependable.
4) Get a duck with good eyesight. Ducks with bad eyes sometimes go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.
5) Choose carefully when purchasing your duck, you may be fogged off with a cheap goose. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you the goose.
Safe flying!
[This message has been edited by ballistic non-guided (edited 17 June 2001).]
The following is an extremely simple method for all to use.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low, and if so, which one. This will enable you to keep your aircraft level en route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are of course some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but your passengers as well, and may leave the occasional tower operator with an open mouth as well.
1) Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.
2) Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.
3) Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose and will be more dependable.
4) Get a duck with good eyesight. Ducks with bad eyes sometimes go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.
5) Choose carefully when purchasing your duck, you may be fogged off with a cheap goose. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you the goose.
Safe flying!
[This message has been edited by ballistic non-guided (edited 17 June 2001).]