BigGeordie
26th Apr 2018, 17:02
Just for fun, we could all do with a laugh (and yes, it should probably be in Jet Blast but it is relevant to the Middle East):
The Dubai Quiz
You’ve heard about the bright lights and tall buildings of Dubai and you are considering moving out here.
What is it like to live here?
If only there was a test you could take…. Well now there is!
Do this eighteen point quiz to see if you will take to life out here:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1 – You near your turning on the Al Khail Road and find you are still in the fast lane.
Do you:
A – Swerve drastically across all eight lanes without touching the brake or looking in your mirrors/blindspot, narrowly missing the cars and minibuses in the middle lanes by fractions of inches. You miss the turning obviously so pull over onto the hard shoulder and reverse back the five hundred yards into the traffic turning off. You scream off down the ramp at 120kph, flashing anyone who gets in your way.
B – Panic, swerve, see you don’t have room to cross the eight lanes of packed traffic between you and the exit and return to the fast lane. You struggle to fight back the tears as you have to go to the next junction two miles ahead and double back, adding more than four days to your journey.
C – Wouldn’t happen because you are the kind of person who thinks more than five seconds ahead and coming up to your turning you are already in the right lane and are able to make the turning safely.
=====
2– You quite fancy buying a new watch. You see one you like in Dubai Mall for AED22,000. To your delight you see an almost new one on Dubizzle later that day with all box and papers etc for AED10,000.
Do you:
A – Whatsapp the seller to offer him AED5k cash price bro and then get upset when he tells you he won’t accept that much. Frustrated, you up the offer to AED5,500 final price best price cash price yalla price and cannot understand why he does not want to do a deal to help you out at this price.
B – You go to the mall and buy it new from the dealer because you know that a seller in Kerama selling a nearly new AED20k watch for half that price is almost certainly trying to sell you a dodgy OMAGA.
C – You call the seller and offer him more or less the asking price because it is a really good price for a really nice watch and considerably less than it cost new.
=====
3 – You have just treated yourself to a champagne brunch for almost $200 at one of the top swanky hotels in Dubai and it is 4pm and they are kicking you out. You are very drunk.
Do you:
A – Go upstairs to the hotel bar and buy a $200 bottle of champagne and a round of B52s for your whole group. You are eventually sick in the fountain and tersely asked to leave. You have no subsequent memory of Barasti or still being in Rock Bottom at 3am the following morning. You then spend the rest of the week complaining about being personally victimised by the epic hangover and poncing food off your mates because you haven’t got any money.
B – Go to a place where you know they have buy one get one free deals on sundowner cocktails, have a couple and head home when the room starts spinning.
C – Go home and a have a couple more drinks on your balcony if you feel like it, but you’ve had a great time and spent a lot of money so it’s time to call it a day.
=====
4 – A friend invites you and some mates to go camping in the desert.
Do you:
A – Refuse to go as you are (probably) allergic to sand. You don’t know where Al Ain is anyway and you are pretty sure they don’t have a Westin there.
B – Spend unfeasibly huge sums of money on the absolute best camping gear money can buy and rock up looking like an extra from Rambo Fights The Taliban.
C – Go and sleep in the back of your mate’s Land Cruiser with the sunroof open instead of messing around with a tent. Enjoy sitting under the stunning starry panorama drinking hot cocoa.
=====
5 – You go into a shop in Dubai Mall and the massively over-keen sales assistant follows you round everywhere, asking repeatedly if you need any help, breathing down your neck etc.
Do you:
A – Dump all your shopping bags on the poor woman and click your fingers to demand she brings you a mochaccino immediately.
B – Get annoyed and leave without buying anything.
C – Say “I’m just looking thanks” and don’t worry about it.
=====
6 – The sign in Mall Of The Emirates says “Please wear respectful clothing”.
Do you:
A – You’ve just got a massive new tattoo you want to show off so pick out a pair of shorts so microscopically tiny that your buttocks hang out of the bottom, and a bikini top to show off your fabulous tan and expensive implants. You have spent almost a month’s wages on the shorts, top, sunglasses and heels and you are damn well going to show these people how the cool types dress. If they don’t like it, it is because they are jealous. After all, offended is a choice and you are too cool to give a fig about other people’s choices. Life’s too short to conform to other people’s ideals. You’ll wear what you want.
B – You choose something cool that mostly covers the shoulders and doesn’t look trashy, but you add a touch of understated glamour by putting on a pair of shortish heels as it is a nice mall and you don’t want to feel underdressed when you are in Prada not buying anything.
C – Jeans, a nice top and Nike Airs. It’s a long day with a lot of walking and you need to be comfortable. Nobody cares what you look like anyway.
=====
7 – You need to buy a car.
Do you:
A – You take out a massive personal loan to fund the downpayment on a white Mercedes G Wagon AMG you are likely to struggle to afford given that you only earn AED30k/month but YOLO, man. Its Dubai. You have to or nobody will respect you. Besides, next time you drive to brunch you can have it parked out the front and thereby save precious minutes off the valet time which makes it totally worth it.
B – You take a white Lexus Careem everywhere because the driving here is enough to give you anxiety attacks and it works out about the same every month as buying a decent white car anyway.
C - You buy a very good condition two year old white Volvo XC90 with all the toys for a decent price because they are safe and you know you probably won’t lose much if anything when you come to sell it on as they hold their value very well.
=====
8 – You find AED1,000 in a jacket pocket you totally forgot about from ages ago.
Do you:
A – go clubbing and buy a cocktail for you and one friend.
B – Put it towards those Louboutin heels or Mont Blanc weekend bag you wanted but couldn’t really justify.
C – Pay half your Du bill for the month with it, two days early.
=====
9 – A guy phones you up and pretends to be your mate, saying he is from a financial firm with a name that sounds very familiar but you can’t quite place it. He says he can manage your wealth for you and make you richer.
Do you:
A – let him because he was British and sounded very convincing and that G Wagon won’t pay for itself. Plus “I have someone managing my wealth” sounds good if you say it loudly in restaurants.
B – put the phone down and block the number.
C – politely decline after carefully listening to what he has to say.
=====
10 – You decide you need somewhere to live here.
Do you:
A – Take out a massive personal loan to use as the deposit for a AED3m Jumeirah Palm townhouse off plan, because the showhome was beautiful and so nicely finished with all nice appliances and stuff from Germany and Denmark etc. Your G Wagon will look great parked out the front and they were 100% sure it will be delivered in September, 100% guaranteed Inshallah the guy said. Second downpayment can go on the credit card no drama.
B – you renew your current rental place at a 15% discount from your existing contract as prices are going down. You’ve seen the build quality on your mates’ places and don’t want to spend all your money on somewhere that is mainly built of cardboard, plasticine and Sellotape.
C – you look and see where the Metro is going to next and for up and coming areas with good transport links that are likely to improve. You find property that has just been finished that has been built and contracted by a reputable firm that you know will have done a good job. You ensure you can afford the payments and look at ways of possibly extending it and adding a new kitchen etc to add value so that if you need to sell it you’ll cover any possible depreciation as the building ages. It’s expensive but you are confident.
=====
11 – A man lurches up to you in a car park in Deira late at night. He has an ugly, weeping burn on his forearm and appears to be in considerable pain. He tells you he is a worker from Bangladesh and cannot afford medicine to pay to treat his injuries. He asks if you can help him.
Do you:
A – Take a selfie with him and virtue-signal like mad to everyone on Facebook and Instagram about how you gave him AED500.
B - Tell him you are going to drive him to the clinic. Smile knowingly when the flustered man says he just wants the money and doesn’t you to need to come to buy the medicine. Shrug and say “ok then, good luck” and drive off.
C – politely give him AED10 and a bottle of water then drive off.
=====
12 – A massive white 4x4 with blacked out windows comes roaring up behind you doing 140 on the SZR. You do not move over immediately so your rear-view mirror is ablaze with him flashing you repeatedly, less than ten inches from your bumper.
Do you:
A - speed up to 150 and aggressively flash the guy in front to move over.
B – ignore him until there is a speed camera coming up, then you let him past. Watching him get flashed as he steams past the camera doing 30 above the limit makes you smile for the rest of the week.
C – move over as soon as it is safe to do so and let him come past.
=====
13 – You want to end an email.
Do you:
A – Don’t write anything as your team does all that stuff for you.
B - “Pls do needful imdtl. Thx bro.”
C – “Sincerely and with best regards, <full name and title>”
=====
14 – You go for a picnic at Al Qudra Lakes.
Do you:
A – leave your rubbish scattered around and your fire smouldering for the lake staff to clean up as it keeps them in a job so you are actually doing them a favour and helping them out of poverty.
B – collect your rubbish and put out your fire and drop it all off into the bins by the road.
C – Leave the Lakes immediately after you arrive in protest at the shocking mountains of garbage everywhere and the lack of recycling bins.
=====
15 – It is less than a mile from your pre-brunch bar to the brunch venue.
Do you:
A – get an Uber and are not at all phased by the surge pricing that jacks up a 69 dirham ride to an amount that you will need flexible payment options and interest free finance until 2022 to cover.
B – you’ve already pre-booked a taxi two months ago precisely for this eventuality and you’ve called the driver four times to confirm repeatedly that he is 100% not going to bail on you.
C – Walk it. Its only 42 degrees. It’ll be fine.
=====
16 – You really fancy fish & chips one day.
Do you:
A – You spend AED320 on a minute bowl of minted pea and basil veloute with tempura-crusted sea bass fillet topped with whipped burrata foam sitting in it. With microherbs. And a brass tumbler containing fifteen times cooked chips that cost extra. It takes you fifteen seconds to consume the mouthful of fish and both chips. It is delicious. You then order Texas Chicken to be delivered for when you get home so you can actually eat something.
B – you know whatever you do you’ll be extremely disappointed so decide to swerve the fish and chips until the next time you are in the UK, and go to Cheesecake Factory instead for avocado egg rolls that ALWAYS make things better.
C – you spend several hours searching and calling all the many places that sell fish & chips here to find out if their cod is sustainably sourced, only to find out after many hours of having people lie through their teeth to you that nobody actually has cod, (no, hammour is not “same same cod sir”) none of it is responsibly sourced and nobody uses organic potatoes or peas either. You eventually settle tearfully on a bit of sustainably sourced Ryvita and hummous instead.
=====
17 – you pick up an item in one of the local supermarkets near the Springs that still has the UK price on it. The price is 79p.
Do you:
A – happily pay AED139.40 for it
B – happily pay AED139.40 for it then complain on Facebook about how outrageously expensive it is.
C – realise you do not need the item and don’t buy it.
=====
18 – It is your 40th birthday.
Do you:
A – hire a luxury megayacht for your close circle of 20 mates and get them to invite 150 more people you have never met to make up the numbers. Refuse all offers from your friends to help contribute with the AED45,000 bill. Lay on stretched Lambo limos for everyone and tell everyone you had Bruno Mars booked to perform on the yacht but that he let you down at the last minute. Get two cards and one present – a bottle of Cristal champagne which is drunk by everyone before you even see it.
B – hire a yacht for your close circle of 6 mates and get them to invite 50 more people you have never met to make up the numbers. Get your mates to pay for it. Get let down the day before by the yacht company who say the yacht is no longer available due to an “engine problem”. At the last minute you rebook a much smaller yet mystifyingly much more expensive boat only for that one to let you down on the morning of your birthday, with another “engine problem”. Miraculously you are able to rebook a third time just an hour before everyone arrives an even smaller and more dilapidated boat which is four times the price of the original one you booked. Of the 56 people who confirm they are coming only 11 turn up, with only two of those actually letting you know they aren’t coming having sworn blind they were when you spoke to them in the week. You and your hardy 11 nonetheless manage to consume all four tonnes of booze you went to Barracuda for especially during the week, and so are too battered to notice both the other two yachts you booked cruising around with parties on them. You end the day needing a poo and crying quietly to yourself in the blocked toilet belowdecks while your mates have a full on punch up on the stern and try to hit passing jetskis with empty bottles of Amstel. Get two cards and one present – a AED100 FlyDubai voucher from ADCB bank.
C – whilst pondering your good fortune in making it to 40 and ruminating wistfully on what the years to come may bring, have a quiet one with your nearest and dearest at your local favourite restaurant.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So how did YOU score?
Mainly As – you were born to be in Dubai. Stop what you are doing and get on the plane immediately. You’ll love it.
Mainly Bs – you already live here.
Mainly Cs – Dubai is not going to work for you. You’ll last ten minutes outside the airport terminal before you’re begging to leave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dubai Quiz
You’ve heard about the bright lights and tall buildings of Dubai and you are considering moving out here.
What is it like to live here?
If only there was a test you could take…. Well now there is!
Do this eighteen point quiz to see if you will take to life out here:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1 – You near your turning on the Al Khail Road and find you are still in the fast lane.
Do you:
A – Swerve drastically across all eight lanes without touching the brake or looking in your mirrors/blindspot, narrowly missing the cars and minibuses in the middle lanes by fractions of inches. You miss the turning obviously so pull over onto the hard shoulder and reverse back the five hundred yards into the traffic turning off. You scream off down the ramp at 120kph, flashing anyone who gets in your way.
B – Panic, swerve, see you don’t have room to cross the eight lanes of packed traffic between you and the exit and return to the fast lane. You struggle to fight back the tears as you have to go to the next junction two miles ahead and double back, adding more than four days to your journey.
C – Wouldn’t happen because you are the kind of person who thinks more than five seconds ahead and coming up to your turning you are already in the right lane and are able to make the turning safely.
=====
2– You quite fancy buying a new watch. You see one you like in Dubai Mall for AED22,000. To your delight you see an almost new one on Dubizzle later that day with all box and papers etc for AED10,000.
Do you:
A – Whatsapp the seller to offer him AED5k cash price bro and then get upset when he tells you he won’t accept that much. Frustrated, you up the offer to AED5,500 final price best price cash price yalla price and cannot understand why he does not want to do a deal to help you out at this price.
B – You go to the mall and buy it new from the dealer because you know that a seller in Kerama selling a nearly new AED20k watch for half that price is almost certainly trying to sell you a dodgy OMAGA.
C – You call the seller and offer him more or less the asking price because it is a really good price for a really nice watch and considerably less than it cost new.
=====
3 – You have just treated yourself to a champagne brunch for almost $200 at one of the top swanky hotels in Dubai and it is 4pm and they are kicking you out. You are very drunk.
Do you:
A – Go upstairs to the hotel bar and buy a $200 bottle of champagne and a round of B52s for your whole group. You are eventually sick in the fountain and tersely asked to leave. You have no subsequent memory of Barasti or still being in Rock Bottom at 3am the following morning. You then spend the rest of the week complaining about being personally victimised by the epic hangover and poncing food off your mates because you haven’t got any money.
B – Go to a place where you know they have buy one get one free deals on sundowner cocktails, have a couple and head home when the room starts spinning.
C – Go home and a have a couple more drinks on your balcony if you feel like it, but you’ve had a great time and spent a lot of money so it’s time to call it a day.
=====
4 – A friend invites you and some mates to go camping in the desert.
Do you:
A – Refuse to go as you are (probably) allergic to sand. You don’t know where Al Ain is anyway and you are pretty sure they don’t have a Westin there.
B – Spend unfeasibly huge sums of money on the absolute best camping gear money can buy and rock up looking like an extra from Rambo Fights The Taliban.
C – Go and sleep in the back of your mate’s Land Cruiser with the sunroof open instead of messing around with a tent. Enjoy sitting under the stunning starry panorama drinking hot cocoa.
=====
5 – You go into a shop in Dubai Mall and the massively over-keen sales assistant follows you round everywhere, asking repeatedly if you need any help, breathing down your neck etc.
Do you:
A – Dump all your shopping bags on the poor woman and click your fingers to demand she brings you a mochaccino immediately.
B – Get annoyed and leave without buying anything.
C – Say “I’m just looking thanks” and don’t worry about it.
=====
6 – The sign in Mall Of The Emirates says “Please wear respectful clothing”.
Do you:
A – You’ve just got a massive new tattoo you want to show off so pick out a pair of shorts so microscopically tiny that your buttocks hang out of the bottom, and a bikini top to show off your fabulous tan and expensive implants. You have spent almost a month’s wages on the shorts, top, sunglasses and heels and you are damn well going to show these people how the cool types dress. If they don’t like it, it is because they are jealous. After all, offended is a choice and you are too cool to give a fig about other people’s choices. Life’s too short to conform to other people’s ideals. You’ll wear what you want.
B – You choose something cool that mostly covers the shoulders and doesn’t look trashy, but you add a touch of understated glamour by putting on a pair of shortish heels as it is a nice mall and you don’t want to feel underdressed when you are in Prada not buying anything.
C – Jeans, a nice top and Nike Airs. It’s a long day with a lot of walking and you need to be comfortable. Nobody cares what you look like anyway.
=====
7 – You need to buy a car.
Do you:
A – You take out a massive personal loan to fund the downpayment on a white Mercedes G Wagon AMG you are likely to struggle to afford given that you only earn AED30k/month but YOLO, man. Its Dubai. You have to or nobody will respect you. Besides, next time you drive to brunch you can have it parked out the front and thereby save precious minutes off the valet time which makes it totally worth it.
B – You take a white Lexus Careem everywhere because the driving here is enough to give you anxiety attacks and it works out about the same every month as buying a decent white car anyway.
C - You buy a very good condition two year old white Volvo XC90 with all the toys for a decent price because they are safe and you know you probably won’t lose much if anything when you come to sell it on as they hold their value very well.
=====
8 – You find AED1,000 in a jacket pocket you totally forgot about from ages ago.
Do you:
A – go clubbing and buy a cocktail for you and one friend.
B – Put it towards those Louboutin heels or Mont Blanc weekend bag you wanted but couldn’t really justify.
C – Pay half your Du bill for the month with it, two days early.
=====
9 – A guy phones you up and pretends to be your mate, saying he is from a financial firm with a name that sounds very familiar but you can’t quite place it. He says he can manage your wealth for you and make you richer.
Do you:
A – let him because he was British and sounded very convincing and that G Wagon won’t pay for itself. Plus “I have someone managing my wealth” sounds good if you say it loudly in restaurants.
B – put the phone down and block the number.
C – politely decline after carefully listening to what he has to say.
=====
10 – You decide you need somewhere to live here.
Do you:
A – Take out a massive personal loan to use as the deposit for a AED3m Jumeirah Palm townhouse off plan, because the showhome was beautiful and so nicely finished with all nice appliances and stuff from Germany and Denmark etc. Your G Wagon will look great parked out the front and they were 100% sure it will be delivered in September, 100% guaranteed Inshallah the guy said. Second downpayment can go on the credit card no drama.
B – you renew your current rental place at a 15% discount from your existing contract as prices are going down. You’ve seen the build quality on your mates’ places and don’t want to spend all your money on somewhere that is mainly built of cardboard, plasticine and Sellotape.
C – you look and see where the Metro is going to next and for up and coming areas with good transport links that are likely to improve. You find property that has just been finished that has been built and contracted by a reputable firm that you know will have done a good job. You ensure you can afford the payments and look at ways of possibly extending it and adding a new kitchen etc to add value so that if you need to sell it you’ll cover any possible depreciation as the building ages. It’s expensive but you are confident.
=====
11 – A man lurches up to you in a car park in Deira late at night. He has an ugly, weeping burn on his forearm and appears to be in considerable pain. He tells you he is a worker from Bangladesh and cannot afford medicine to pay to treat his injuries. He asks if you can help him.
Do you:
A – Take a selfie with him and virtue-signal like mad to everyone on Facebook and Instagram about how you gave him AED500.
B - Tell him you are going to drive him to the clinic. Smile knowingly when the flustered man says he just wants the money and doesn’t you to need to come to buy the medicine. Shrug and say “ok then, good luck” and drive off.
C – politely give him AED10 and a bottle of water then drive off.
=====
12 – A massive white 4x4 with blacked out windows comes roaring up behind you doing 140 on the SZR. You do not move over immediately so your rear-view mirror is ablaze with him flashing you repeatedly, less than ten inches from your bumper.
Do you:
A - speed up to 150 and aggressively flash the guy in front to move over.
B – ignore him until there is a speed camera coming up, then you let him past. Watching him get flashed as he steams past the camera doing 30 above the limit makes you smile for the rest of the week.
C – move over as soon as it is safe to do so and let him come past.
=====
13 – You want to end an email.
Do you:
A – Don’t write anything as your team does all that stuff for you.
B - “Pls do needful imdtl. Thx bro.”
C – “Sincerely and with best regards, <full name and title>”
=====
14 – You go for a picnic at Al Qudra Lakes.
Do you:
A – leave your rubbish scattered around and your fire smouldering for the lake staff to clean up as it keeps them in a job so you are actually doing them a favour and helping them out of poverty.
B – collect your rubbish and put out your fire and drop it all off into the bins by the road.
C – Leave the Lakes immediately after you arrive in protest at the shocking mountains of garbage everywhere and the lack of recycling bins.
=====
15 – It is less than a mile from your pre-brunch bar to the brunch venue.
Do you:
A – get an Uber and are not at all phased by the surge pricing that jacks up a 69 dirham ride to an amount that you will need flexible payment options and interest free finance until 2022 to cover.
B – you’ve already pre-booked a taxi two months ago precisely for this eventuality and you’ve called the driver four times to confirm repeatedly that he is 100% not going to bail on you.
C – Walk it. Its only 42 degrees. It’ll be fine.
=====
16 – You really fancy fish & chips one day.
Do you:
A – You spend AED320 on a minute bowl of minted pea and basil veloute with tempura-crusted sea bass fillet topped with whipped burrata foam sitting in it. With microherbs. And a brass tumbler containing fifteen times cooked chips that cost extra. It takes you fifteen seconds to consume the mouthful of fish and both chips. It is delicious. You then order Texas Chicken to be delivered for when you get home so you can actually eat something.
B – you know whatever you do you’ll be extremely disappointed so decide to swerve the fish and chips until the next time you are in the UK, and go to Cheesecake Factory instead for avocado egg rolls that ALWAYS make things better.
C – you spend several hours searching and calling all the many places that sell fish & chips here to find out if their cod is sustainably sourced, only to find out after many hours of having people lie through their teeth to you that nobody actually has cod, (no, hammour is not “same same cod sir”) none of it is responsibly sourced and nobody uses organic potatoes or peas either. You eventually settle tearfully on a bit of sustainably sourced Ryvita and hummous instead.
=====
17 – you pick up an item in one of the local supermarkets near the Springs that still has the UK price on it. The price is 79p.
Do you:
A – happily pay AED139.40 for it
B – happily pay AED139.40 for it then complain on Facebook about how outrageously expensive it is.
C – realise you do not need the item and don’t buy it.
=====
18 – It is your 40th birthday.
Do you:
A – hire a luxury megayacht for your close circle of 20 mates and get them to invite 150 more people you have never met to make up the numbers. Refuse all offers from your friends to help contribute with the AED45,000 bill. Lay on stretched Lambo limos for everyone and tell everyone you had Bruno Mars booked to perform on the yacht but that he let you down at the last minute. Get two cards and one present – a bottle of Cristal champagne which is drunk by everyone before you even see it.
B – hire a yacht for your close circle of 6 mates and get them to invite 50 more people you have never met to make up the numbers. Get your mates to pay for it. Get let down the day before by the yacht company who say the yacht is no longer available due to an “engine problem”. At the last minute you rebook a much smaller yet mystifyingly much more expensive boat only for that one to let you down on the morning of your birthday, with another “engine problem”. Miraculously you are able to rebook a third time just an hour before everyone arrives an even smaller and more dilapidated boat which is four times the price of the original one you booked. Of the 56 people who confirm they are coming only 11 turn up, with only two of those actually letting you know they aren’t coming having sworn blind they were when you spoke to them in the week. You and your hardy 11 nonetheless manage to consume all four tonnes of booze you went to Barracuda for especially during the week, and so are too battered to notice both the other two yachts you booked cruising around with parties on them. You end the day needing a poo and crying quietly to yourself in the blocked toilet belowdecks while your mates have a full on punch up on the stern and try to hit passing jetskis with empty bottles of Amstel. Get two cards and one present – a AED100 FlyDubai voucher from ADCB bank.
C – whilst pondering your good fortune in making it to 40 and ruminating wistfully on what the years to come may bring, have a quiet one with your nearest and dearest at your local favourite restaurant.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So how did YOU score?
Mainly As – you were born to be in Dubai. Stop what you are doing and get on the plane immediately. You’ll love it.
Mainly Bs – you already live here.
Mainly Cs – Dubai is not going to work for you. You’ll last ten minutes outside the airport terminal before you’re begging to leave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------