A little less serious- Funny Military flying stories...

[solotk]

Seeing as we all got a bit serious lately, I wonder if anyone had any funny military flying stories to share? I suggest this, as I got told one last night...

Pull up a bar stool and I'll begin........

"it was in the late 70's in Germany, and the WGAF had been involved, in some incredibly intensive sorties over a 5 day period, in yet another war game. At the end of the week, a very tired Jabo Jock, got into his VW Beetle, and set off home for the weekend. His base received a phone call 30 minutes later....

"Guten Tag, Polizei here, do you have a pilot by the name of Hauptmann X?

"Yes we do, is there some sort of problem?"

"I am afraid he has been in a road traffic accident, he is ok, but I think he was very tired and confused"

"How do you know that"

"Well, he drove into the back of a mobelwagen.When we found him, he was in shock, with the steering wheel in his lap"

"In his lap?"

"Ja, in his lap, he pulled off the steering wheel attempting to pull up OVER the vehicle in front"
:D

[fobotcso]

Good to start a new light-hearted thread but newcomers may like to know about the good stuff from over a year ago.

There used to be a Forum called Military Archives in which there were 40-odd of the most useful and hilarious locked threads that had become dormant. They were easy to find and browse.

The Archives were done-away with, for some reason, when the Servers were cleaned out but those threads still exist; however, they are much more difficult to find.

They are now part of the main group but to find them you need to set your User Control Panel to "Show All Topics" and go back to May 2001.

There you will find such gems as No1 Gp Dining-in Night and many others.

Vaux le detour on a dull day.

[BEagle]

Reportedly from a Bruggen Jag mate in the 70s or 80s:

Boss answers phone. Voice at other end says "Hello Boss, I'm in the bank at (?) Elmpt" "What the f*** are you doing there, you're supposed to be on the morning programme!" replies the Boss.

"I was. The jet's in the car park, Boss......"

A very ex-supersonic tent peg was indeed 'parked' nearby!

NB - this may be one of those apocryphal stories - like the famous Shackelton approach on a USN carrier - which is, in fact, a fable. I have no proof of its authenticity!

[rivetjoint]

It is possible to find what used to be the military archive.
In the usual mil aircrew section go to bottom of the page and through the drop down list get it to show you threads since time began rather then last week or so. Then in the bottom corner select the first page rather than the last, then once again you too can enjoy stories of Harry Secombe in the back of a Wessex!

[Wholigan]

Not apocryphal BEagle and very close to what happened!

Jag mate carries parachute into bank in Elmpt and asks to use phone. Rings COC and says "hi mate --" and that's about as far as he got as COC ops controller tells him to "F&ck off Ge&&y - we've got an emergency on and we think someone's banged out" --- AND HANGS UP THE PHONE!!!!!

[The Nr Fairy]

To make it easy, here's some I found earlier. Be prepared to spend ages reading these gems of threads, even if you read them first time round.

The 1 Gp Dining In Night at Waddington (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=48124)

OK IT'S APOCRYPHAL STORY TIME (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=48126)

Rest Home for Tired Name Badges (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=48119)

Nicknames (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=48097)

Best Prank (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=48117)

I Wish I Hadn't Said That ... (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39770)

Annual Assessments - Character Assassination Gems (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39036)


I'm sure there's a few more - any pointers, anyone ?

[Captain Kirk]

This came from the 237 OCU linebook:

Sitch - Pair of Buccs rorting over Moray (northern Scotland), not far from the distillery town of Keith.

Pilot suddenly sees a whole bunch of gulls directly ahead so he ducks and yells ‘Flock o’birds!’ to warn the back-seater.

Nav had been busy head-in, thinks that pilot has shouted ‘Fochabers’ (another local town) so he looks out and says ‘It’s Keith’.

Pilot looks at other Bucc thinking Keith N (fellow OCU stude) and says ‘No mate, that’s Mike!’

More birds ahead and, yup, they do it all over!

Flock o’birds!

Keith!

Mike!

:confused:

Nothing like a good break down of comms to liven up a dull moment.

I’m sure someone must have the definitive version of the suspected hypoxia incident in a Canberra.

Incidentally, where do old linebooks go when they pass away?

[spekesoftly]

And in a similar vein:-

Scenario - RAF Coningsby, early 70s, shagnasty F4 pilot talking to ATC, and requests immediate return only a few minutes after T/O.

F4 - "Returning to Base"

ATC - "What's the problem"

F4 - "I've gotta intestinal malfunction!"

ATC - (puzzled) - "Say again!"

F4 - (frustrated) - Repeats first Tx slowly and emphatically! - but still not understood by ATC ......... long pause ....... by now Duty pilot and other 'wheels' are starting to assemble in the Control Tower, and take charge.

ATC - "Say again!"

F4 - (desperate, pi$$ed off, and now shouting) - "I've $hat myself !!!"

[Wycombe]

I heard this one so many times, it must be true:

Pax boarding BZN's finest (triple-engined) at the un-"pleasant" place for the journey North (anyone who's been there will know that even the most plain - ok, downright gopping - of the fairer species can take on sex-object-like status once they set foot down there:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard. Ladies, how does it feel to be ugly again?" :D :D

Guess it was worthing getting in the s**t for that, priceless :) :)

[kippermate]

From a FLAC.

Tornado crew en route to UK, has a little trouble with landing.....crew eject!

Telephone call from ATC to ac homeplate.

' Aircraft has just landed,....the crew by parachute.'

[Zoom]

Captain Kirk

I think the Canberra suspected hypoxia incident went like this:

Canberra B2 or similar bumbling along at altitude. Pilot drops pencil on floor so reaches down to retrieve, and mic/tel lead disconnects in the process. Simultaneously, nav gives pilot some instruction. No response. Repeats. Still no response. Nav peers around bulkhead to see pilot slumped over controls. Nav thinks "Blimey, pilot is hypoxic and is out cold! I'd better get this thing back on the ground!" Unstraps himself, then grabs pilot and starts trying to unstrap him and pull him out of his seat! Pilot (totally conscious) looks up and thinks "Blimey, nav is hypoxic and he's gone bonkers! I'd better defend myself!" Spirited punch-up ensues.

They must have sorted it out or I suppose I wouldn't have heard this tale.

[Captain Kirk]

Zoom,

Spot on, as I heard it told, but it was a long time ago and I was not sure that I could do it justice.

I gather that when the pilot finally said 'I am NOT hypoxic' the response was 'Ha! That's just what you would say if you were!'


:)

[pickpickard]

One of Albert's finest navs slips in the crew room with the remark
"Sometimes I wish I had more money than sense."
Razor of a loadie replies "Here's a fiver, now **** off!"

Different nav, same frame:
Driving down the high street our hero spies a particularly endowed young lass and says to the other occupants of the van, "She'd get it!"
Cue puzzled looks on two daughters' and enraged look on wife's faces as he realizes he's no longer on route with the fellas anymore.

[BEagle]

CK and Zoom - if I remember right from a contemporary Air Clues, just to add even more fun to the event the nav also triggered the emergency oxygen in the pilot's bang seat, making conversation even more impossible! I gather they fought themselves down to about 10 000', wherupon both realised that they couldn't possibly still be hypoxic - and the awful truth dawned!

A navy mate described a case of mis-communication. Allegedly a Vixen mate was involved in some fishy fun with his jet when something didn't go as he'd intended. "Oh $hit" quoth he. Wherupon there was a load bang from the coal hole and he was astonished to see his looker disappearing upwards courtesy of Martin Baker! Equally perplexed was the observer, as he saw one of HM's Vixens pootling happily along with just the awkward sight of a bang seat rod poking up into the slipstream! There was a wonderful cartoon (no doubt courtesy of 'Tug') which showed the looker suspended under his parachute musing "$hit - I thought he said 'Eject'! No he didn't - he said 'Oh $hit'. OH $HIT!"

[Beeayeate]

Similar to BEagle's . . .

FAW9 Jav in mid 60s. Pilot inadvertanly managed to get leg-restrainers looped through lower bang-seat handle. Five mins into flight, he shifts his behind to get more comfortable - and vanishes upwards! Backseater says "If he's going so am I!" Perfectly servicable deltajet makes a hole in Holland. Ooops. . .