View Full Version : Darts is no joke ....

24th Jan 2018, 22:11
Darts are no joke? Whatever ....

Anyway, when the isolation started to bite there in Isolo, Lagos, Nigeria, thanks to the area being designated a "no go zone" by various embassies, one of our number came up with the idea that we needed a darts tournament there at the Spread Eagle, before we all went nuts behind those ten-foot cement walls topped with razor wire.

It was to be pairs of contestants, 501, flying start, double finish, best of three. I was up against Johnnie Goldenbollocks and his son, who was about 12 or 13 years old, I guess. Johnnie and I had played many times against each other, when I would always eke out a very, very narrow win in the third game, and the kid could hit the board, but that was about it.

My team-mate was Johnnie's daughter, though, who was about seven ... eight, maybe? Lovely kid, but a goddam hazard. She flung those darts in the general direction of the board from a short remove, when some would hit the board but others would end up stuck in the ceiling or the wall. So ... I thought I was being nobbled there, but I figured to just go down fighting. What the hell.

Johnnie had never seen me play seriously. The thing was that I had had to fly with this fellow on our new Dorniers, when he was a pretty abrasive guy, and the captain, while I was just pond scum. (CRM? Faggedaboudit!) Thrashing him at darts would have meant serious payback then. Now, though, I had just made captain myself, so no more worries on that score. I was off the chain!

We held our own, the kid and I. I would get up there and do my very best Bristow impersonation, but Alan instead of Eric, forging ahead until my tiny team mate would get up there and spray her three darts in three different directions, sometimes even hitting the board, but more by luck than judgement. Then the son would at least get three in the board, then I would usually manage to get a solid 121 or so, and so it went.

Team Us was not drinking at all on account of age; one of us was too young and the other one was too old, while one of Team Them was getting into the electric soup just a little bit, which was helping, plus he was trying to figure out what sort of performance-enhancing drugs I had to be on.

Us won the first game, and Them won the second, so that it was down to the third, and finally whoever could score a double 17. The kid was up next when she put her first dart in the wall. Her second dart ... we never did find that one. The third dart, though, went straight into the double 17. We all just stood there looking at it for about 30 seconds because none of us believed it, and then the bar went mad.

The British Wife who had organized this thing belonged to the Ikeja Golf Club, so I asked her to get one of those little pewter mugs, a real small one, child size, and have it engraved "[Name of kid] Darts Champion." (I did the heavy lifting, but the kid threw the winning dart, and that deserved special recognition.)

WAWA came into play then, of course. The British Wife gave the Ikeja Golf Club caddy master a note reading "Please engrave the mug with '[Name of kid] Darts Champion'" signing the note with her name. The mug came back engraved with "[Name of kid] Darts Champion [Name of British Wife]." Bugger.

No way was I going to pay for a second mug, so that's how it was handed over, when the kid seemed quite happy with it. Her father was left looking at me as if to say "What did you do there?" First I turned out to be able to make captain on the Dornier despite being a Septic and all, and then it turned out that I knew how to play darts too! Mrs. Goldenbollocks was ready to blub watching the handover of the mislabeled mug, until I gave her my best "Don't you dare!" look. Spoil my Michael Jackson joke, will you!

25th Jan 2018, 20:55
Ikoyi Golf Club,
I still have a letter from the committee giving me the courtesy of the course for life.
Remember Sandy Lyle winning the Lagos open there?

FF, in reflective mode