Two year BLUES

[Not-so standard drawers]

Hi everyone...I've got the 2 year blues. Can anyone make me laugh with any on-board funny stories. Haven't had a laugh on a flight in too long to remember. Turn my Blues into a laugh.....PLEASE!

[ditzyboy]

Can't help you I am sorry. Just had a hideous 6 day block with 10 and 11 hours days and yukky crews. OVER IT! VILE!

Sorry :) I am having my "Two Months Short of Two Year Blues"...

[Santa'sLittleHelper]

Hopefully this will put a smile on your face, I really enjoyed it.

I was giving the safety announcement
Blar blar blar
"Your emergency Exits are located at the front and the rear of the cabin, please take a moment to locate your nearest exit and an alternative . Remember your nearest exit could be behind you."

With that this little old lady looks straight up at the roof and inspects intently from front to rear.

With the giggle I've ripped out "No Behind you, not above you!!"

Well I coundn't stop giggling for hours.

enjoy

[ditzyboy]

Hmmm... Whilst a don't condone alcoholism (:) ) a couple of drinks after work is a good ridder of stress.

I find that if I have a poxy crew or I am "over it" chatting with some nice pax is a good way to feel good about your job. Also working with fun people helps a million!

And yes, think of all the more feral jobs you have done in your time and how hard you worked to become a FA. Makes you smile and feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. ahhh....:)

[BIG MISTER]

Ok .......here goes ........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----- Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
> > Unfortunately, one was a salted.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
> > start anything."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
>in
> > here."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his
> > arm and says:
> > "Pint please, and one for the road."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman
> > comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
> > The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man
> > explains "I've just come in my pants."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was
> > rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
>taste
> > funny to you?"
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
> > The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
>sounds
> > like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
> > "Well........It's not unusual........."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
> > was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
> > Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
>The
> > shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've
> > lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
> > replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana,
> > press the hash key...."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's
> > cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the
>vet,
> > "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
> > then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him
> > down."
> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
> > "No, because he's really heavy"
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>people
> > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
>Or
> > my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
>it's
> > Colin.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
> > couldn't find any.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No,
> > you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
> > strong currant.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> > shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
> > know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week ....
> > and pulled a mussel.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
> > lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
>can't
> > have your kayak and heat it too.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> > covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>


:D :D :D :D :D

[SydGirl]

Ok here's one I am going to drag out of my Ansett archives...

Not long before Ansett collapsed completely and was still flying under administration I was crewing a Syd-Mel flight. Whilst under administration the only thing served was water. No meals, no peanuts, no grog, no soft drinks.. Nada.

Anyway so I'm going through the cabin offering water, and this lady says to me "Don't I get a meal?". I explained to her that Ansett was under administration and during this time we are only offering water on short flights, there was no meal service. (Meanwhile I was wondering if her head had been in the clouds, didn't she know this?) Anyway I digress.. so she is not happy about that at all and demanded something to eat. I again explained the situation to her and said that all I could offer her was water.

So she says to me "Give me a comment card". Off I trot to get her a comment card, I pass her the comment card and she says to me "I'm going to complain to customer relations about this" - I didn't have the heart to tell her that.. well.. there was no customer relations department either.

Still makes me chuckle.
SG
:)

[ditzyboy]

SydGirl - That's funny!

I had this lady the other day. As I placed her meal box on the tray I said "Would you care for a cold drink?". She replied "I want a hot meal" and stared at me like I was a piece of s**t. I told her our new caterinmg policy came into play on 2 January and once again offered a cold drink, all smiles. She said again "I want a hot meal!" and looked at me like no one has before. I felt about 2cm tall. Her stare was cruel. So I smiled and said " There is a Burger King opposite gate 7 in Sydney." And off with the cart I went and it felt sooo good!

Bordering rude on my part but it worked! I ended up giving her a glass of White and sat next to her after the service and had a chat about Sydney. So I made a nice customer out of her! Who said we are not there to teach them manners! :D

[Not-so standard drawers]

Thanks guys you have all made me smile.....
I will share one with you....I was on a flight recently and a male pax with his wife and small child, came down the back of the aircraft to take their seats. I noticed he was carrying a lifejacket. They all sat down and he unrolled it and placed it at his feet. I approached the pax and explained that we do carry lifejackets for all pax and showed him where they were under the seat. He then expalined to me he took it everywhere with him just in case. The worrying thing was, he only had one for him.....not the rest of his family?????

[WX Man]

I share a flat with an Irish girl in Luxembourg. One weekend, a friend of hers (very attractive girl who works for Aer Lingus as cabin crew) came to stay. My flatmate introduced us and the conversation went something like this:

Her:..... so what are you doing here in Luxembourg?
Me: I'm a student Air Traffic Controller
Her: Oh, interesting! I'm cabin crew with Aer Lingus.
Me: Ah! So you're just a dot on a radar screen

..... Gets coat. Tucks tail in between legs. Walks off shame face-dly.

(not really- profuse apologies followed and we cracked open another few cold ones and all was mended. I hope)

[flying_fox]

A few years back on a Regional sector..........

I was going like a cut cat trying to get the cabin tidied again and we were well past top of decent.

As I was madly and desperately picking up rubbish from everyone, I frantically called out loudly to a gentleman (who had his head tossed back and was pouring the last of his peanuts down his throat)....

"Excuse me, Sir! I am going to have to grab your nuts now, please!"

Reaslising what I had said the second I had blurted it out, I just burst out laughing - he just giggled back at me, passsed me the packet and said with a mock frightened little look on his face....

"They're all yours!"

Very embarassing - but funny!

[cabinboy]

try this one for stupidity -

Cabinboy only last week encountered his first blind pax. The poor blind pax had a black eye and a broken arm after tripping over the day before on a footpath....needless to say the pax apart from being sight impaired was looking worse for wear & was preboarded on my full flight which was running extremely late. I gave the pax a personal safety briefing and made sure he was comfortable as I was running around madly like a cut snake getting the cabin ready for boarding. Once we were in the air cabinboy begins his service with a comfort check and offers a magazine to all pax including the blind pax......whoops !

It all ended well though, the pax had a chuckle and appreciated that I found time to cut up his meal for him and help serve it to him.

[flying_fox]

I just loooOOOOoove your litle phrases down the bottom of the page. I notice you keep changing them around. Ditzyboy's is another good one! (love your work - seen the video)

hugs and mooches for now

[ex cabin crew]

This poem always used to sum it up for me

ODE TO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT

She wanted to walk where the gods used to dwell
To fly where the sun shines so bright
But now that she's up there her intestines swell
As she flies on and on through the night.

She wanted romance, high adventure, intrigue
To fly over the poor sods beneath
Instead she's got spots, haemmoroids and fatigue,
And she's learnt to say c**t through her teeth.

She's been screamed at by lipsticky ladies
And by burkes with an IQ of ten
She's been honked on by overfed babies
And touched up by immature men

And they can't understand why she doesn't get mad
So they prod her to find what's beneath
But she'll never tell them, she's ever so glad
That she's learnt to say c**t through her teeth.

[cabinboy]

I am glad you like them flying fox - I aim to please :D

I just hope everything we have posted here has helped our fellow ppruner lose " the 2 year blues ".

See you in the crew room

CB