View Full Version : Best headlines

15th Oct 2016, 23:14
Can anyone beat this?

"Perthshire scientist’s premature ejaculation treatment can’t come quickly enough"

16th Oct 2016, 06:16
Is his area of interest driven by nominative determinism?

Weeds round the prop
16th Oct 2016, 06:35
And his name is Dr Wyllie !
Sounds like a Carry On film doctor.. oh, wait. That was Dr Prod.

Weeds round the prop
16th Oct 2016, 06:38
A personal favourite from years ago, from memory The Matlock Mercury, Derbyshire, England reporting a domestic disturbance at a fish and chip shop :
'Chip shop man batters wife'.

Arm out the window
16th Oct 2016, 06:51
"Cash bounces Czech", when Pat Cash beat Ivan Lendl in one of the big matches.

B Fraser
16th Oct 2016, 08:01
Back in the 1970's, Labour were supporting CND - "Foot Heads Arms Body".

During WW2, the Germans were retreating in North Africa - "British Push Bottles Up German Rear".


16th Oct 2016, 08:08
Or "Nut screws washer and bolts".

16th Oct 2016, 08:08

16th Oct 2016, 08:31
"Disaster In A Treacle Mine"

Billy's Weekly Liar.

16th Oct 2016, 10:13
From the U.K. Sun - "Tits bouncing back in warmer weather" - followed by pictures of the 3 species of small birds, recently seen in larger numbers. :)

16th Oct 2016, 10:19
Many years ago I saw a billboard on the other side of the road which said


Risking life and limb to cross Bond Street and buy the paper I found out it was all about a footballer named Gerry Queen, who was involved in a bit of biffo at Crystal Palace....

Last time I bought a newspaper....

16th Oct 2016, 11:25
I heard about a newspaper, anxious to increase its sales, that put the headline "The Pope - no news!" on its boards.
Concerned bought the paper and leafed through the pages - only to find out that there was, in fact, no news about the Pontiff.

16th Oct 2016, 12:36
"A Fife doctor saved the life of a one-legged angler after he was bitten on the backside by a rampaging hippopotamus."


16th Oct 2016, 13:12
Up Your Junta!

16th Oct 2016, 14:29
I also enjoy trying to picture this man's efforts:

One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers - Archives - TulsaWorld (http://m.tulsaworld.com/archives/one-armed-man-applauds-the-kindness-of-strangers/article_19caaa3d-f56f-5a67-8861-c838a240a5a6.html?mode=jqm)

16th Oct 2016, 14:47
in 1945 news headline;
Monty flies back to front

16th Oct 2016, 14:54
Mmmm ..... two from the Dundee Courier and we're still on page 1.

16th Oct 2016, 15:32
I remember a couple of Guardian ones from years back...when it was still a serious newspaper.

Travel section article on Jordan "Amman for all seasons"

and film review of Anthony and Cleopatra "the biggest asp disaster in the world"

16th Oct 2016, 15:39
'World war 2 bomber found on Mars.....disappears!"

Also, from the same paper..

"Man from Atlantis stole my pint!"

Was it the Daily Sport?

16th Oct 2016, 16:21
Daily Mirror sports headline, many years ago, following an England football international.............

Swedes 1........Turnips 0

I might have posted it before but it still makes me chuckle.

Effluent Man
16th Oct 2016, 16:39
Gerry Queen offered many opportunities for fun. I recall one where the the type setters were clearly in a mischievous mood. "The Queen rose high above the Charlton defence to head firmly home to crown a fine display for Palace"

16th Oct 2016, 17:16

16th Oct 2016, 17:45
... and there was one from a London local paper: "Tooting man weds Barking woman"

16th Oct 2016, 17:55
Zip Me Up Before You Go Go

The SUN George Michael arrested.

Doug E Style
16th Oct 2016, 18:55
A story from Southern Ireland concerning the death at sea of a local:


16th Oct 2016, 21:18
Oh, how timely! We'd been joking about headlines and a bit later I was telling the true, but sad, story of the two Japanese pilots (with the instructor sitting in the rear, go figure) who got into a Vmc spin near here. They spun into the local sewage treatment works with such precision that the safety rails around the full sewage tank weren't even damaged. (The NTSB report had a comment about needing longer than usual because of the need for biohazard protection. I doubt that picking apart the remains of any plane crash is exactly enjoyable, but this one was uniquely horrible). Anyway, someone in the group made up the perfect headline for it:

Kami-Kaze into the Kharsi

16th Oct 2016, 21:28
From years back:

"Sir Vivien Fuchs off to the South Pole again."

"Bradford Man in Earthquake - 5,000 feared dead"

"Fog in Channel - Continent cut off"

or from a local paper two years ago

"Concrete man airlifted to hospital" - after an accident at Westbury concrete works.

Arm out the window
16th Oct 2016, 23:38
A recent Aussie one when the Brexit decision was announced: "Poms Away".

I've posted this one before on a similar thread, but I can't resist because it's such a beauty (from a very reputable magazine, of course): "Plonker Chomping Mudcrab Nips My Willy".

17th Oct 2016, 02:29
A WW2 headline after the Eighth Army attack made serious advances into the German-held areas of the ME - "Eighth Army Shove Bottles Up Germans".

17th Oct 2016, 07:00
Sylvester Stallone's mother disapproved of his latest girlfriend sometime in the early 80's I think, The Sun's take on it at the time:

Rambo's mumbo raps his rumpo.

Krystal n chips
17th Oct 2016, 08:28
A local rag, and it's up there with the very best when it comes to being both "local" and a rag frequently displays a standard of journalism that suggests those involved missed their vocation.....or aspire to working for certain "well known media" outlets....

"Man almost drowns in canal ".....alas, not quite true...he fell into about six inches of water when he tripped at the edge of a basin now the home of ducks and swans....had he actually fallen into the disused canal he probably would have drowned as it's full of junk.

"Towns streets awash with drugs ! ".....true actually...albeit not in the sense of a dealer on every corner, more to do with the average age being 110.

And one priceless travelogue about a visit to..... Lock Ness. Lock being repeated several times.

Cometh Christmas, and a decree / diktat is solemnly issued ordering the peasants to attend the annual parade of a local hunt on Boxing Day....forelock tugging being mandatory for those attending.

17th Oct 2016, 09:51
The Aberdeen Press & Journal "famously" reported the Titanic's loss thus: "Noth-East man lost at sea" (there are other variants).

Sadly, a perusal of the paper (The Aberdeen Daily Journal, the P & J's predecessor) showed that it never reported in those terms.

Takan Inchovit
17th Oct 2016, 10:34
I wouldn't say these are the best, but they may be original.



17th Oct 2016, 11:29
One that came out of the BBC recently

"Spider bites Australian man on penis again"

17th Oct 2016, 11:59
Slight thread drift but jimtherev's offering reminded me of something I heard on a London radio station a few years ago when the presenter played a record dedicated to a lady who was "lying in St George's Hospital Tooting".

17th Oct 2016, 12:44
Ogre, that story is genuine.




Tradie suffers second spider bite on penis (http://www.skynews.com.au/culture/offbeat/2016/09/28/tradie-suffers-second-spider-bite-on-penis.html)

17th Oct 2016, 13:15
Randy guy gets head job...

Randy Guy gets head job | Asian Banking & Finance (http://www.asianbankingandfinance.net/financial-technology/more-news/randy-guy-gets-head-job)

Krystal n chips
17th Oct 2016, 16:24
Thank heaven for aviation ! ....a subject, as we know, which can not only offer the fevered imagination an infinite variety of potential outlets, but which also can further allow expansion , to hold the reader breathless as to what happened next, as sufficient, ahem, gravitas... cough !... is added to the report.....

The headline is only the start.....to trap the unwary.

Jet packed with holidaymakers left circling Wigan after mid-flight emergency - Wigan Today (http://www.wigantoday.net/news/local/jet-packed-with-holidaymakers-left-circling-wigan-after-mid-flight-emergency-1-8185817)

On the other hand, viewing the dump from 8000ft can only have been to the pax fortunate advantage . :E

Doug E Style
17th Oct 2016, 19:02
If I had a mid-flight emergency on a flight from Manchester to the Canaries, I think I would opt to hold over somewhere like Porto rather than Wigan.

18th Oct 2016, 06:16
More ...

Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

Plot To Kill Officer Had Vicious Side

Dr. Ruth To Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

18th Oct 2016, 07:23

It's called camouflage, dude!

18th Oct 2016, 16:23
In the UK LibDem leadership contest in 2006, one candidate, Mark Oaten, had to withdraw after a rent boy/coprophilia scandal and then Simon Hughes withdrew after he was 'outed'.
It woz the Sun wot splashed 'Another one bites the pillow'

18th Oct 2016, 17:22
In the UK LibDem leadership contest in 2006, one candidate, Mark Oaten, had to withdraw after a rent boy/coprophilia scandal and then Simon Hughes withdrew after he was 'outed'.
It woz the Sun wot splashed 'Another one bites the pillow'
Shades of Norman . . . (and Jeremy).

18th Oct 2016, 18:20
.....and JIM (spelt J I M) Vaz ! (but we mustn't let the thread drift to industrial washing machines) ....or at least not yet.

18th Oct 2016, 18:54
I always liked, "Man Found Dead in Graveyard" in a west London paper (Hammersmith IIRC).

A journo mate of mine in Honkers said his favourite headline was atop a story about an (ex-male) Australian jockey who had had a sex change operation.

"They're off!!"

Nervous SLF
18th Oct 2016, 20:28
I remember a headline in a local paper in 2006 said "Diplomat's family jewels stolen" and it refered to
this case - not quite what I expected :) ( I used to have a photo of the newspapers board advertising
the story but alas can no longer find it. :sad:

The couple said they were "thrilled" to have them returned.

Jail for man who received diplomat's jewels - National - NZ Herald News (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10406824)

B Fraser
18th Oct 2016, 21:06
"Heartache as sperm donor withdraws"

Krystal n chips
19th Oct 2016, 05:52
In keeping with the theme....

Pc plods into a 16,000 driveway row after putting his foot in it - BBC News (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-37692166)

B Fraser
19th Oct 2016, 06:32

19th Oct 2016, 08:39
In the 1940s and 50s London dock workers were in regular dispute with the port employers and strikes were commonplace. One particular strike was holding the country to ransom and eventually the Government was forced to intervene.......

The headline was "DOCKS! Minister steps in........." :confused:

Martin the Martian
19th Oct 2016, 12:46
I always liked 'Freddie Starr ate my hamster!'.

19th Oct 2016, 13:18

Before the death toll was known

Random SLF
19th Oct 2016, 14:40
In the 1940's, The Daily Express announced the conviction of a vicar for interfering with choirboys with the headline "VICAR GO UNFROCK YOURSELF".

19th Oct 2016, 15:28
After the Pope issued his encyclical prohibiting artificial birth control for Catholics there was , it is rumoured, the following headline in the Protestant Telegraph:


The editor had a field day with a smaller headline on the same front page"


19th Oct 2016, 22:12
From a few years back: "Undercover police women crack down on illegal table dancing".

B Fraser
20th Oct 2016, 06:50

20th Oct 2016, 22:39
From 40-50 years ago:

'Magistrates to act on indecent strip shows.'

21st Oct 2016, 02:21
From way back when I was a little nipper than I am today,

"Giant Waves Down Queen Mary's Funnels"