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KelvinD
22nd Aug 2016, 13:18
After idiots threw rocks at a South West Trains train near Southampton airport on Sunday, breaking a window and causing delays to the service, the on-board announcer came up with the following apology to passengers for the delay:

"The service is running 10 minutes late. This is due to the train coming under attack at Southampton Airport," he told passengers at Winchester.
"Some pond life down there with the intellectual capacity of a flip-flop threw rocks at the train."
I like it! "The intellectual capacity of a flip-flop"!
Upon arrival at Waterloo, he then referred to them as "muppets".
Tell it like it is!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/37152255/train-announcer-criticises-pond-life-vandals-who-delayed-journey

Martin the Martian
22nd Aug 2016, 14:05
He'll probably end up on a disciplinary for inappropriate language if it pans out the way these thngs usually do.

Cazalet33
22nd Aug 2016, 14:22
If there were any Philippinos on the train, you might be right.

UniFoxOs
22nd Aug 2016, 16:54
Maybe it was the same announcer I heard at New Street a year or two back. We were trying to get off and being held back by travellers trying to get on. Announcer said "What part of 'Let the passengers off before you try to board' don't you understand" in a very exasperated tone.

Shack37
22nd Aug 2016, 17:03
Well the pigeon having lunch on the platform seems quite cool about it all.

radarman
22nd Aug 2016, 17:12
A few years ago there was a driver on the London Underground Northern Line well known for amusing quips and bon mots. I liked his take on the rush hour crush, delivered in an accent which indicated he was born just down the road from the Bow Bells : 'I think you'll find it quicker to let people off the train before you try to get on. The quicker you get your heads round this, the quicker we can get going. And the quicker we get going, the quicker I can get home and have my tea'.

radeng
22nd Aug 2016, 22:56
In the early 1960s, a train from Doncaster was badly delayed into Kings Cross. The station announcer refused to make the announcement demanded by the Regional Manager - so he did it himself. 'British Railways apologise for the late arrival of the train from Doncaster. This was caused by management incompetence'. That was Gerry Fiennes.

He did screw up when he went to the Western Region with his forced dieselisation and the failures, to the point where the edict was that trains were not delayed because of 'diesel failures' but by 'locomotive failures'......it sounded better!

Tankertrashnav
22nd Aug 2016, 23:16
I read a good one the other day:

Passenger on stationary train to conductor, "I suppose it's leaves on the line again"

Conductor, "Yes sir, but unfortunately they are still attached to the tree!"

Local Variation
22nd Aug 2016, 23:44
There's a clippy on the Stansted to Birmingham line who sings to the passengers.

His made up little ditties cover places you are passing through as well as the request to display you travel card or ticket for inspection.

The man has a natural happy face and a big heart and is a star in these parts, bringing smiles to the mundane daily travels of commuters.

KelvinD
23rd Aug 2016, 08:14
Letting passengers get off before boarding; reminds me of a time long ago when I was in Paris with my wife and infant son. We were on the Metro and when our stop came along, we went to disembark and there was a handful of local youths who tried to board before we had a chance to move. That little fuse in the head blew and I spread out my arms, put on my best bayonet charge face, screamed some insults and swept the lot backwards until they ended in a heap at the back edge of the platform. The look on their faces was priceless! I think "Savages" was one of the words I used.

RAT 5
23rd Aug 2016, 09:59
In reverse; I heard, some years ago, that in Japan there was a plan to employ 'passenger stuffers' to try and get more people on the metro & quicker. When asked if it might be an idea for the Tube it was rejected on the grounds that other pax do it already.

Tankertrashnav
23rd Aug 2016, 10:19
The plan has certainly been put into practice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7kor5nHtZQ

Dream job for a groper I should think. The lady at 0.43 has obviously decided she doesn't want her bum manhandled today - I wonder if the Japanese railways get many complaints from female pax (or male ones, for that matter!)

wings folded
23rd Aug 2016, 12:51
There was an absolute gem of a jovial train announcer on the London to Norwich line. Non-reflective and with the authentic accent that goes with that hue.

He would announce "dis is Chelmsford" then dis is "Colchester", then dis is "Maningtree", then dis is "Ipswich", then dis is "Stowmarket".

After we left Stowmarket the anticipation became palpable, and as we slowed down he duly announced "dis is Diss"

The whole carriage would sing out "and dat is dat".

He would then pass through the carriage with a big white toothed grin against a very dark background, and enjoy the applause of his passengers.

Great bloke.

Martin the Martian
23rd Aug 2016, 13:39
The HSTs travelling through Cornwall are frequently longer than the platforms they stop at, resulting in the doors at one end of the train or the other being locked at some stops.

One announcer on the train heading to Penzance decided at Truro to go through the disembarkation arrangements for the next four stations. At the end of his spiel he said, "...and you probably all gave up listening after the first one of those, so I'll shut up now and just remind you when we arrive at each station."

reynoldsno1
29th Aug 2016, 02:45
Letting passengers get off before boarding Also works well with lifts ...

cattletruck
29th Aug 2016, 11:56
Well not a train but a tram. Today I boarded one and after a while of trundling along the driver announces: "At the next stop I shall be turning left. No, not that left, the other one".

Thought that was very clever as I was facing the other way.

DuncanF
29th Aug 2016, 12:04
There used to be a driver on the Metropolitain Line who was quite the history buff. One night leaving Baker Street during some cockup on the line, he kept us entertained about all the closed stations that we passed through/stopped at as we crawled for 25 minutes to Finchley Road.

For those interested: Lords (closed 1939), Marlborough Road (1939) and Swiss Cottage (1940). Who said train travel wasn't educational ...

Pontius Navigator
29th Aug 2016, 12:35
I was on a Thomson flight from Acapulco and we did a refuelling stop and crew change Stateside with passengers remaining on board.

Once stopped pax stood up to exercise, toilets, chat etc. The cabin attendants with their baggage could not get off and the Captain called for order and even put the seat belt lights on. Still pax would not sit down.

jimtherev
29th Aug 2016, 16:58
Reading station. Some time in the early eighties. Me on the way back to Oxford on a Sunday night. The station announcer had obviously had enough.
"British Rail are proud to announce their usual Sunday list of delays and cancellations. And if you were hoping to get to Plymouth tonight, then forget it. I'm off home, by the way."
I often wonder what happened to him on Monday morning...