View Full Version : I went out for a pint of milk and came home with . . .

Loose rivets
9th Jun 2016, 00:27
This could be a good thread. And came back with a new wife, or a tattoo, or a . . .

In my case, it was a beautiful silver ***** turbothingie

I didn't want it, or need it, but it was just sitting on the shopping precinct's carpark with a for sale sign in the window. I thought that's a lovely car for that money, and it would be funny to go to my wife's flat while she was baby-sitting the g-kids in London, and move her car and put mine in its place.

My sense of humour is probably why she insists on living alone. Anyway, my plan, as is so often the case lately, really backfired.

Firstly, I realised hers was a Fusion. But she'd not know the difference, would she? Still, there was a risk of her modifying her key into a corkscrew, or worse, so I settled for picking her up from the station in my new acquisition.

"I decided not to use the BMW." I said, as casually as possible.

"When did you get this?" Says she.

Well, that wasn't much fun. Finding out how much it would cost to insure wasn't much fun either: about midway between my little BM, and the 155 mph 8 speed meggablaster they quoted me for a while back. My gasp lasted long enough to asphyxiate a lesser mortal. Should have checked. However, when I drove this staid old family 5 door on the local windy road, it elicited another gasp. How the heck does a two litre diesel develop so much thrum-bust throughout such a wide speed range? I couldn't believe it. Maybe I've done the right thing after all. But no, my karma is not going to let up that easily. I'd been told it leaked oil, but didn't mark the drive. Couldn't be much then. The vendor and I meet when I go into his shop, so I was inclined to feel comfortable about the deal. And anyway, what does it matter if it costs a few bob to fix when it only cost a few hundred to buy. I just don't know what I was thinking but in an hour it was on my drive.

07 sparrows, and I'm jacking it up for an oil change. I've never owned a diesel before, so it would be fun learning about it. Mmmm . . . no. Diesel oil has to be the blackest black stuff on the planet. In fact, I'll wager you could travel the universe for half of eternity and not find stuff as black as used diesel oil. But, no problem when you've got a drain bowl in another bowl, and everything on hardboard. Wouldn't you think? My bones are old and they have to lift far too much, me. Hardboard is slippery and one should really not use the side of such a bowl to steady self upon standing up - not even with a couple of fingertips. That would be my advise to me, if life worked like that and you could time travel back to stupid-moments. It slipped and sent a wave down the oil which came back with a velocity four times greater than the one I'd initiated.

The physics of wave motion are simply unfair. My new jeans are now a Petrolhead's fashion statement, and the drive by the garage door looks like an East End railway arch floor in the 50's.

I'd forgotten how much fun it is to be sandwiched between concrete and oily metal with the desperately needed spare arm pinned 180 degrees from its most useful angle. I'll tell you how much fun it is - let's measure it as a distance for comparison. You're imagining the gap between my finger and thumb, aren't you? Well, you're nowhere near. Oh, the nucleus of an atom? No. A quark having a lazy day? Not even close. No, it's the @#$%# bewilderingly minute distance that Plank's rebellious son thought he'd make up just to pi$$ orf his father. That distance, when compared to how much fun, is the fun-factor of my day.

The sump is cracked. Plug put in too hard by a grease monkey. No, that's unfair! A monkey wouldn't be that stupid. But I've fixed this before. Gooey stuff and don't torque up the plug so tight. If okay, drill and use lockwire. The leak was stopped. Fire her up and the oil goes around. Great job . . . until I noticed bubbles in the fuel line.


Time for a bit of irony while I wonder if I can pluck up courage and call the Rivetess. She's spent years, pumping brakes while I holla from below, and blowing up exhausts to help me find leaks. Helping from the driver's seat can't be too bad, but now I can't issue commands, like quick, get over here. Well, I never could, but I was a master at looking pathetic, and she'd usually help.

"Wanna come over for tea?"

She said yes. Phew!

"Bring yer own cake."

Master of suave, me. But now I had to dissuade her from taking a shower and reading something by Tolstoy before setting out. I resorted to sounding pathetic.

Hooray! Oil pressure up right away and bugggggah! I checked the oil plug, and now it was leaking again. Oh, my. I drove it to my pal's stony road and ran it for a while. Nothing for it. Sell the darn thing as a project. But, tomorrow's another day, and I already smell of diesel, so I suppose one more go with one of these modern two-pot mixes wouldn't go amiss.

Anyone else come back with something 'interesting'?


9th Jun 2016, 01:50
'I went out for a pint of milk and came home with'..........Syphilis?:}

Sue VÍtements
9th Jun 2016, 02:46
I went out for a pint of milk and came home with . . . 500ml?

9th Jun 2016, 06:15
We (myself, the ball and chain, and the brats) went out for ice cream and came home with a piano. Just a used, sorry, "previously owned" Kawai upright, since the piano store was out of brand new Steinway concert grands, but still.

True story, that one ....

Another time I went out for a beer and came home with a BSA 250 Scrambler, and its previous owner's cat which had sneaked its way into the van when I was not looking ....

9th Jun 2016, 08:53
Thirty two years ago I went out for a pint of Guinness and came home with who is now, at this very moment, preparing tonight's supper.

9th Jun 2016, 09:38
Hey, para,
After LR's excellent post, you come in with that one.
I've now run out of tissues with which to wipe the keyboard, damn you!

9th Jun 2016, 10:37
I thought that's a lovely car for that money

Stolen cars usually are!!! :E

Cyber Bob
9th Jun 2016, 11:04
An old flat mate said he was going out for a pint of milk and asked me if I needed anything. Just a newspaper I said. He came back three days later, dishevelled wearing the same clothes. I asked him what happend and all he could say was, "Well..................".

He bumped into some friends and seemingly thought it was a good idea to go on the lash for three days, really three days. True story!!

Rather be Gardening
9th Jun 2016, 16:20
I went out for a pint of milk and came back with 8 citrus trees.

Well, it's an easy mistake to make......

9th Jun 2016, 18:16
A few years ago Stoke City were playing Valencia away.

I told the wife I was going out for a newspaper and some cigarettes.

I returned the following weekend with 200 cigarillos and a dog-eared copy of Super Deporte. ;)

9th Jun 2016, 18:52
I went out for a pint of milk and came home with...... A cow.

How fresh can it be more?

9th Jun 2016, 22:50
Many years ago, when our children were very young, we lived in a small rural agricultural village (population about 400 including outlying dwellings).
We had a large garden.
The young son of one of the farmers came round to play, and, after exploring the garden to its boundaries, he enquired "Where's your cow?".
On being told that we didn't have one, he then asked "Where do you get your milk from?"
"Mr Wooding" (our village milkman)
"Has he got a cow?"
"Then where does he get the milk from?"
"It is delivered by a lorry"

Further explanation was required before he gave up the questioning.

Loose rivets
9th Jun 2016, 23:19
British Airways, or was it BOAC, was once accused of over-structuring. "If they wanted a pint of milk, they'd buy a cow."

I don't know. If my head wasn't so full of these 'interesting' memories, I might have room for some sensible stuff. :uhoh:

10th Jun 2016, 07:40
You win, LR. Can't beat that story!

10th Jun 2016, 07:54
I was driving home after Christmas with friends and stopped for a coffee. I came out with a share in an aeroplane.

10th Jun 2016, 07:59
I went out for a pint of milk, and came home with..........nothing!

The shop was closed :*

10th Jun 2016, 08:16
During her childhood my wife's parents had a cow for milk, a sow for piglets and later pork chops, a dog to bark at strangers, a cat to keep the rats and mice down, some geese for meat and feathers, and some chickens for eggs and meat.

All these household animals were gone by the time she met me. I think she got to missing the pig then, so that she married me.

10th Jun 2016, 09:47
I went out for a pint of milk, and came home with..........nothing!

The shop was closed

Happens to me every time, i stand in front of the closed shop and wonder why it is closed until i realize that it must be sunday. Dang the laws over here...

Loose rivets
10th Jun 2016, 15:25
Where . . . oh, that's right, you don't know.:p

Loose rivets
11th Jun 2016, 22:09
Bloke came round today and gave me my money back. Not often these days folk are so honourable. Mind you, Frinton and all that. :hmm:

12th Jun 2016, 00:04
I popped along to the local shops one morning for the milk and rolls and came back with the milk and rolls and a four panel pitched pine door!

We were renovating an old house that previous owners had butchered, and amidst all the fine woodwork that have been painted over and panelled doors that had been flushed over with hardboard, at some point someone had removed one of the four panel doors and replaced it with a cheap and nasty flat door. We'd renovated all the other so this one doorway stood out somewhat.

Anyway, across the road from the shop was a bit of waste ground, and as it was the last week in October the local kids had been building a bonfire with whatever they could scrounge up. Walking past I noticed a load of old skirting boards and a four panel door. A bit of closer inspection showed that it was indeed the right type of door (all the houses in that area having been built around the same time with the same type of materials) so I pulled it out of the bonfire, stuck it over my shoulder and walked home.

Stripped and stained it looked very nice indeed,