skidtube
13th Jun 2002, 00:30
I found this floating around at work today.
I have no idea how it got here, but has made a few people laugh none the less!
ENJOY!
TRIAL OF DR MARTINS. SLIP ON FLYING BOOT
Dear *******,
I accordance with your instructions I have begun to trial the boots supplied to me with a view to introducing them as standard issue to Company Flight Crews. I have thus far used the boots for two operational flights, each just a short 3 hours duration. My inital impressions of this boot prompt me to write to you early with my findings as I feel for me to continue with this trial would have a detrimental affect on my performance and reputation as a North Sea Commander.
The boots I were given are a size 8, a standard fit for me. I usually have no problems with width fitting as my feet are relatively slender appendages. I would also like to comment that I have had very little problems with my feet such as blistering, hot spots or other soreness associated with ill fitting shoes/boots in the past and in particular thoughout my 12 year military career.
Enough about me, what of the boots.
Firstly the boots themselves appeared to fit quite well although giving the impression of a snug comfortable feel. However, upon walking (of which I covered approximately 1-2kms to and from the line office) the boots give a very good impression of "wobbly wellies" with the characteristic "slap slap" onto the fore and aft of the shin areas. This feature is accompanied by a correspondingly "I've just shat my pants" type perambulation on the part of the wearer. The net affect of this particular feature of the boots is to purport the wearer to the public at large as either: Crippled, gay, hung like the proverbial donkey or indeed a combination of all three.
The next hurdle for these boots was the entry and exit into the Puma Helicopter. As you are no doubt aware, entering the Puma Helicopter with the sense of purpose and style that one would like to associate with the qualities of a highly trained, confident North Sea Commander, requires a not inconsiderable amount of poise and practice. Crucial to this manoeuvre is the fit and comfort of ones footwear. Unfortunately the lack of fore and aft stability of the trial boots (the reason for the "wellie" effect) translates into an appalling vertical instability of the wearer during the crucial transfer of CG at the key point of rotations (ie foot in footwell, f**k me I'm not gonna make this, whoa, s*it jesus, hope no-ones watching this, type of manoeuvre.) Failure to locate the foot sqaurely in the footwell results in an almost theatrical twitching of the stressed leg as the wearer grasps desperately for the handholds in an ill fated attempt to compensate for the lack of quadraceptal thrust necessary to complete the manoeuvre safely.
Once in the cockpit the boots assume a more "passive" role in that they are no longer required to support the wearers body weight nor protect the feet from third party objects. Startup, taxi and take-off are normal events and the boots present little impact on these events. However, climbing to altitude is a different matter. Dr Martin has provided the wearer with an aircushioned sole which at sea level provides very good comfort to the sole of the foot. Unfortunately he has failed to anticipate the sudden reduction in air pressure associated with flight in a non-pressurised machine. The net effect of a gentle climb to say 3000 ft is a gentle, ever increasing feeling of pressure through the normal axis of the foot. This promotes a feeling of the foot being gradually squeezed which, although pleasant at first, soon begins to create a feeling of heat. Eventually, after some 20 minutes or so, the wearer begins to be overwhelmed by the singular desire to remove the offending boot and release the by now tortured digits. Clearly this feeling is associated with restrictions of bloodflow to necessary tissues and invariably leads to numbness and loss of all sensation. Eventually, a little over 1 hour later, the feet have ceased to exist in the wearers conscious mind. Sadly the chronology of this results in the wearer arriving at an offshore installation bearing the full effects of the "pedacal squeeze" with a mind in complete denial as to the existance of the feet.
It is extremely difficult for me to articulate to you the results of attempting to exit a burning & turning Puma without the aid of one's feet. Location of the footwell is impossible and results in a desperate scrabbling of the lower limb (I have deliberately not mentioned the feet as to all intents and purposes they no longer exist). After a controlled "fall" from the cockpit one is left standing on the helideck entirely dispossessed of one's feet. Attempting to move across the deck gives the impression to the wearer of "floating on air" but unfortunately invokes little if any confidence in the deck crew or indeed the inbound passengers who are unfortunate to witness the shambling, aimless, almost drunken waltz of the unfortunate wearer.
Stairs to fuel installations are not for the faint hearted. Only the provision of handrails allows the wearer to slide, fireman like, to the bottom. Ascent is a different matter. Heather Mills may be able to dance with Sir Paul McCartney with only one leg, but I doubt that even she could negotiate stairs with the remaining foot entombed in a depressurised Dr Martin Slip on.
Finally I am compelled to relate to you the words of my 14 year old son upon seeing the boots in the box at the start of the trial and mistakenly believing that his mother had purchased them for him to go to school. He took one look in the box and said under his breath thinking I had not heard "If she thinks I am going to wear a pair of arse bandit boots to school she can F**k right off"
Yours sincerely
***** *******
FANTASTIC, Hope you liked it!!
I have no idea how it got here, but has made a few people laugh none the less!
ENJOY!
TRIAL OF DR MARTINS. SLIP ON FLYING BOOT
Dear *******,
I accordance with your instructions I have begun to trial the boots supplied to me with a view to introducing them as standard issue to Company Flight Crews. I have thus far used the boots for two operational flights, each just a short 3 hours duration. My inital impressions of this boot prompt me to write to you early with my findings as I feel for me to continue with this trial would have a detrimental affect on my performance and reputation as a North Sea Commander.
The boots I were given are a size 8, a standard fit for me. I usually have no problems with width fitting as my feet are relatively slender appendages. I would also like to comment that I have had very little problems with my feet such as blistering, hot spots or other soreness associated with ill fitting shoes/boots in the past and in particular thoughout my 12 year military career.
Enough about me, what of the boots.
Firstly the boots themselves appeared to fit quite well although giving the impression of a snug comfortable feel. However, upon walking (of which I covered approximately 1-2kms to and from the line office) the boots give a very good impression of "wobbly wellies" with the characteristic "slap slap" onto the fore and aft of the shin areas. This feature is accompanied by a correspondingly "I've just shat my pants" type perambulation on the part of the wearer. The net affect of this particular feature of the boots is to purport the wearer to the public at large as either: Crippled, gay, hung like the proverbial donkey or indeed a combination of all three.
The next hurdle for these boots was the entry and exit into the Puma Helicopter. As you are no doubt aware, entering the Puma Helicopter with the sense of purpose and style that one would like to associate with the qualities of a highly trained, confident North Sea Commander, requires a not inconsiderable amount of poise and practice. Crucial to this manoeuvre is the fit and comfort of ones footwear. Unfortunately the lack of fore and aft stability of the trial boots (the reason for the "wellie" effect) translates into an appalling vertical instability of the wearer during the crucial transfer of CG at the key point of rotations (ie foot in footwell, f**k me I'm not gonna make this, whoa, s*it jesus, hope no-ones watching this, type of manoeuvre.) Failure to locate the foot sqaurely in the footwell results in an almost theatrical twitching of the stressed leg as the wearer grasps desperately for the handholds in an ill fated attempt to compensate for the lack of quadraceptal thrust necessary to complete the manoeuvre safely.
Once in the cockpit the boots assume a more "passive" role in that they are no longer required to support the wearers body weight nor protect the feet from third party objects. Startup, taxi and take-off are normal events and the boots present little impact on these events. However, climbing to altitude is a different matter. Dr Martin has provided the wearer with an aircushioned sole which at sea level provides very good comfort to the sole of the foot. Unfortunately he has failed to anticipate the sudden reduction in air pressure associated with flight in a non-pressurised machine. The net effect of a gentle climb to say 3000 ft is a gentle, ever increasing feeling of pressure through the normal axis of the foot. This promotes a feeling of the foot being gradually squeezed which, although pleasant at first, soon begins to create a feeling of heat. Eventually, after some 20 minutes or so, the wearer begins to be overwhelmed by the singular desire to remove the offending boot and release the by now tortured digits. Clearly this feeling is associated with restrictions of bloodflow to necessary tissues and invariably leads to numbness and loss of all sensation. Eventually, a little over 1 hour later, the feet have ceased to exist in the wearers conscious mind. Sadly the chronology of this results in the wearer arriving at an offshore installation bearing the full effects of the "pedacal squeeze" with a mind in complete denial as to the existance of the feet.
It is extremely difficult for me to articulate to you the results of attempting to exit a burning & turning Puma without the aid of one's feet. Location of the footwell is impossible and results in a desperate scrabbling of the lower limb (I have deliberately not mentioned the feet as to all intents and purposes they no longer exist). After a controlled "fall" from the cockpit one is left standing on the helideck entirely dispossessed of one's feet. Attempting to move across the deck gives the impression to the wearer of "floating on air" but unfortunately invokes little if any confidence in the deck crew or indeed the inbound passengers who are unfortunate to witness the shambling, aimless, almost drunken waltz of the unfortunate wearer.
Stairs to fuel installations are not for the faint hearted. Only the provision of handrails allows the wearer to slide, fireman like, to the bottom. Ascent is a different matter. Heather Mills may be able to dance with Sir Paul McCartney with only one leg, but I doubt that even she could negotiate stairs with the remaining foot entombed in a depressurised Dr Martin Slip on.
Finally I am compelled to relate to you the words of my 14 year old son upon seeing the boots in the box at the start of the trial and mistakenly believing that his mother had purchased them for him to go to school. He took one look in the box and said under his breath thinking I had not heard "If she thinks I am going to wear a pair of arse bandit boots to school she can F**k right off"
Yours sincerely
***** *******
FANTASTIC, Hope you liked it!!