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ORAC
9th Feb 2015, 13:00
B&Q sends Fifty Shades of Grey memo warning staff to expect soar in demand for cable ties and rope (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11400246/BandQ-sends-Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-memo-warning-staff-to-expect-soar-in-demand-for-cable-ties-and-rope.html)

Staff told to read book in preparation and to deal with queries in a 'sensitive' manner

Staff at B&Q stores have been told to read Fifty Shades of Grey and prepare for a massive rise in demand for rope, cable ties and tape. A leaked memo reveals that workers at the DIY chain have been asked to prepare themselves for "sensitive" customer questions about such products, which could be used in sexual role play.

The memo, circulated to the DIY store's entire 20,887 workforce at 359 stores, is titled: "Staff Briefing – Preparation for Fifty Shades of Grey Customer Queries." It says copies of the erotic novel will be delivered to each store and can then be lent to staff on a one week basis. Staff are urged to familiarise themselves with the book and to deal with any related queries in a "polite, helpful and respectful manner".

The Fifty Shades of Grey film adaptation of the book is released this weekend.nIt follows the relationship between college graduate Anastasia Steele, played by Dakota Johnson, 25, and businessman, Christian Grey, played by Northern Irish actor Jamie Dornan, 32. Grey introduces Steele to the world of bondage and dominant sexual role play and both the book and the film include a scene in which he visits a hardware store to purchase rope, cable ties and tape.

The memo says: "We stock many of the products featured in this notable scene and then used later in the film. When the book was released in 2012 DIY and hardware stores in the UK and US reported increased demand of certain products and queries from customers as they tried to recreate their own "Fifty Shades" experiences.We need to be prepared for the same effect when the film is released this month. All staff are encouraged to familiarise themselves with the content of Fifty Shades of Grey by reading the novel or watching the film upon its release."

A B&Q spokesperson said: "B&Q remains committed to serving our customers in all their DIY needs and we strive to prepare our staff for any enquiry. Customer satisfaction is always our number one priority.”.........

Hobo
9th Feb 2015, 13:12
What about the dyslexic buyer at garden centres? - Fifty Sheds of Grey.

Fox3WheresMyBanana
9th Feb 2015, 13:43
If Fifty Shades Of Grey Was Written By A Man. #15 Is Priceless. (http://www.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-grey-was-written-by-a-man)

'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

Shaggy Sheep Driver
9th Feb 2015, 13:53
Bill was going to go on a fishing camp weekend with his mates, but his wife gave him a load of domestic duties instead so he told his mates he would have to give it a miss.

The mates arrived at the camp site and there's Bill's tent.

"We thought you couldn't make it".

"So did I", said Bill. "But when I got home last night the wife had been reading that 50 shades of grey and demanded I stripped her naked and tied her to the bed, so I did. Then she said "now do anything you like".

So here I am".

Krystal n chips
9th Feb 2015, 17:33
I would suggest that Torygraph and Mail readers are already very adept at DIY.

You could say it was intrinsic to their nature in fact.

Windy Militant
9th Feb 2015, 20:15
OK so there's Battle Ship and Slate what are the other 48 shades? :confused:

ShyTorque
9th Feb 2015, 20:18
Staff at B&Q stores have been told to read Fifty Shades of Grey and prepare for a massive rise in demand for rope, cable ties and tape. A leaked memo reveals that workers at the DIY chain have been asked to prepare themselves for "sensitive" customer questions about such products, which could be used in sexual role play.

All that most of us need is duct tape to stop the nagging.

sitigeltfel
9th Feb 2015, 21:20
Despite living close to the Marquis de Sades Château Lacoste, and having all the necessary accoutrements in the grange, I feel strangely unmoved. :hmm:

ExSp33db1rd
9th Feb 2015, 21:52
Stuff 50 shades of Grey, what about 50 shades of White ?

Everytime me wife asks me what colour I suggest we paint something, I say white, what shade, she says.

FFS white is white - isn't it ? Apparently not.

Carry0nLuggage
9th Feb 2015, 23:08
So that explains this week's specials at Lidl. I wondered why they had all that rope, shackles, gaffer tape etc. :eek:

I was only there for the cheap cereal bars for a walking weekend honest.:E

Haraka
10th Feb 2015, 06:47
By coincidence I am writing a couple of articles on imagery enhancement for a blog at the moment. I'm having to phrase my wording carefully regarding the typical limitation for the human visual system for simultaneously differentiating brightness ( or Grey) levels, in an image. It is limited to around 50.
On the other hand I guess it would be about the only characteristic of vision remembered by most readers.

treadigraph
10th Feb 2015, 08:20
DIY?

If you are a handyman...

Don_Apron
10th Feb 2015, 08:44
I insist on a good strong pair of handcuffs. None of this plastic rubbish.

Whatever is the world coming to?

Effluent Man
10th Feb 2015, 08:44
DIY is a reference to a range of sexual practices involving only the one participant. It's usually where those sort of accidents occur that involve the fire brigade and sometimes the undertaker. Be prepared for a spate of them as the inexperienced experiment after watching the film.

MagnusP
10th Feb 2015, 10:28
ExSp33db1rd,
FFS white is white - isn't it ? Apparently not.

Our large kitchen/livingroom/diningroom has the walls and ceilings painted in something called "Jake's Place", and all woodwork in something called "Bengal Tiger". I can't remember the names of the colours chosen for the kitchen cabinets or the tiles, but they were different too.

They're all white. :confused:

Stanwell
10th Feb 2015, 16:09
OK, I couldn't resist any longer..

What did the sadist say to the masochist...?

NO!

onetrack
10th Feb 2015, 23:46
I just loved reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Not a single new blind date, has ever been able to escape my loving attention, since I put all the books ideas into use. :ooh:
It sure beats mace, and grabbing them from behind with a hand over their mouth, in dark parks! :suspect:

alwayzinit
11th Feb 2015, 09:14
Just read the link.

Still LMAO.

Excellent.

Paraffin Budgie
15th Feb 2015, 12:19
The UAE censors have just passed the film for showing, albeit a bit shortened. The new title of the film is "White".

Windy Militant
15th Feb 2015, 13:25
The wife went to see Fifty Shades of Grey. When she came home she found me tied to the bed naked and gagged. "Silly boy" she said, "you didn't need to do that" as she took the gag off, and I gasped ......."Phone the police we've been burgled" :}


As heard on weeked Wogan this morning!

OFSO
15th Feb 2015, 16:44
FFS white is white - isn't it ? Apparently not.

Nope, it ain't. My Ford is Polar White, very different from BMW/Mercedes/Audi white. Or Fiat or Alfa white, which has entrancing streaks of red in it along the seams.

racedo
15th Feb 2015, 18:31
Hey OFSO were you not 50 shades of Orange this week ?

Lon More
15th Feb 2015, 19:53
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/enhanced-buzz-13025-1332273412-4_zpscu9qnt1l.jpg (http://s6.photobucket.com/user/Badyin/media/enhanced-buzz-13025-1332273412-4_zpscu9qnt1l.jpg.html)

cockney steve
16th Feb 2015, 11:19
Try matching black!
Just about every manufacturer of everything, ever, has their own shade of black.

Pure black "base" just looks wrong, so it's tinted with various pigments.....even the tin of black paint that you use on the gutters and downspouts (or, 10 Downing st. the front door) is not "pure"!

Tone
16th Feb 2015, 12:40
Just back from B&Q Loughborough. The rope/chain/tywrap/shackle aisle was totally deserted. No one wants to be spotted lurking there it seems.

Effluent Man
16th Feb 2015, 15:30
Used to have a paint mixing scheme at my garage. You mix by weight. A typical white might be 960g of base white,30g of yellow and 10g of black.

Similarly black might be 960g black,30g yellow,10g blue. I have no idea why they dont just use black or white.

Lon More
16th Feb 2015, 15:30
been looking at that picture since I posted it. Something bugged me about it. Finally see the spelling fault

RAFish
16th Feb 2015, 16:02
My grandad used to mix his own paints and he talked about lampblack as the best black ingredient.
He also had a nice line in blues with hand ground lapis lazuli.
A bit creepy as a child but he made red Chinese lacquer with some bugs. Think cochineal was the name.

Effluent Man
16th Feb 2015, 16:33
Yes,that's the food colouring that gives pink icing.

OFSO
16th Feb 2015, 21:13
Finally see the spelling fault

Indeed, it should be Island 15

No ?

Effluent Man
16th Feb 2015, 21:39
Aisle 15...

cockney steve
16th Feb 2015, 22:27
and a missing apostrophe from "there's" ,- it being an abbreviation of "there is"
Isle " = a lump of land surrounded by water
"aisle" a passageway between 2 rows, enabling access.