I'd rather stay here in Karachi

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

This is a genuine e mail message from my missus, and I feel I ought to share it with you. The threat of mortar bombs, suicide bombers, nuclear war, anti aircraft missiles, mid air collisions, food poisioning and malaria are lost on a woman who can't get the lawn mower started.
______________________________________________

Right I'm F***ing pissed off with your lawnmower. I tried to get it going last night and almost succeeded first time then I ran out of steam. The same thing has just happened again and it's a glorious evening but I can't mow this b**tard lawn! Don't tell me to go get Alan or Mick to help because they're not in. It's a bank holiday and every one in the world but me is off enjoying themselves. If you're not going to be here for the rest of the summer then I'm going to buy a mower I can use. This is not open to negotiation. I am totally p***ed off with your super duper American heap of sh*t. I only hope I can get the b***ard going some time over the bank holiday, otherwise you'll come back to a jungle and if you're not back before the girls come round, I'll be even more p*ssy.

Your dog is a total w****r too. She killed the little blackbird fledgling I told you about. I felt like giving her a good kick up the a**e when I grabbed her with the little one in her mouth. She may not have many teeth but she scared the poor bird to death!

**** *** Windows Ltd has written us a letter and looks forward to receiving our cheque for the outstanding balance. He's basically written what he told you on the phone. He obviously knows better than the surveyor. He's rather sarcastic in one sentence. That's another total w***er for you.

Don't wrack your brains about the quiz clue I asked you to think about. The answer is The Lotus Eaters. I'm the only one who has worked out all the answers so I'm very popular at work. Maybe I should charge 10p for every answer I share with them.

I'm going now to simmer quietly and find something to kick in frustration. Don't forbid me to buy anything because I'll just go out and do it anyway.(Don't worry I won't use your money)

I'll type to you soon *****
_________________________________


My reply ..........................

So what did toothless w****r poodle do? Suck the f***ing blackbird to death? That blackbird family has had coming to for a long time now. I told the dog before I left, any more sh*t from those little b***ards and the best way to get back at them is to kill one of their kids. Then they'll know not to mess with poodles. Make sure they know that any more trouble and another fledgeling gets it.

The reason you can't get the 'super duper American piece of sh*t' lawnmower started is because you are a girl. If you took the time to read the f***in manual you will see the statement. 'Not to be used by people unable to explain the offside rule.'

Women - know your limits.

The fact that **** *** is a w****r is not in doubt. He's got less chance of getting his outstanding balance than I have of getting a shag in Karachi.

I see from your subsequent e mail that you have bought a cheap and nasty flymo. I retrospectively forbid you to do this.

rant soon, ***** XXX

PS Risking my life for the freedom of civilisation tonight (another vital consignment of plastic cutlery and bog roll)

[fobotcso]

Peter jnr, how nice it is to see such a warm and understanding relationship!

Just what is it that the people you are trying to help do with do with plastic cutlery and bog rolls? The mind boggles.

I would offer to help in your absence as I know about lawn mowers and I'm not afraid of poodles; but the missus does sound a bit of a handful!

[Min Decent Ht]

Laugh, I almost shat.

So SPHLC, while you're away, where does she live then? Is she up for a party?
Sounds like a nice girl......

Oh, perhaps not.

Is she related to my missus?
Aren't kittens lovely and fluffy.

[The Gorilla]

Sir Peter
Excellent, thank you for making my day!!
:D

[X Blunty]

I can sympathise with your wife - I have often had days whilst the other half has been on detachment when I could write a similar e-mail. But you must be a madman to reply with the e-mail you did (if you indeed did, and it wasn't just bravado in front of fellow PPruners). You'll be lucky to survive when you get home - no wonder you want to stay in Karachi.

[Sloppy Link]

Many moons ago, the fair Mrs Link sent a bluey to me half way through an FI tour that simply said,"If you send me another photograph of a fu****g penguin, I will leave you!"
Tempting as it was to reply with a witty retort, I decided that I wanted to keep my crotch intact upon my return so I elected to placate her with photographs of me in the bar......that didn't seem to work either. Ah well.

(edited because I fogit the spall chacker)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I have another tale to relate from the Lovechild archives, and no I don't make things up, although sometimes we all embelish a little.

Due to the War Against Terrorism, I had been away for Christmas, New Year, Wedding Anniversary, Valentines Day & Easter.

Somewhere in the middle of that, I did have 5 days at home. Mrs Lovechild decided to cook me my favorite meal.

Fillet Steak au Roquefort avec mushrooms and chips.

Anyway, after I had devoured the feast, we snuggled up on the sofa to watch a tribute to the late Spike Milligan. In one sketch, Spike was dressed as the large lady in the Wagner operas, the one with the big chests and the Viking helmet (Brunhilda?) His mate was doing a bit of a tenor rendition & Spike was doing the harmony in raspberries.

I laughed so much I had a coughing fit and threw up my dinner on the lounge carpet.

"Welcome home, dear" she said

[fobotcso]

Sir Peter would be very proud of you - if he knew! :D

[PICKS135]

Following appeared in weekly whinger of town near to EGQL.

FOR SALE
Suffolk punch petrol driven lawn mower, requires maintenance,
£30. TEL 01334 850***

Could she be selling the beast ?

:-D

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

Send more over......in "bits" in Chippenham.....................Mrs L to read tomorrow.

Oh for a set of gonnads that big!!

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Tigs]

SPHLC
Please please send more. I feel that while HM has you at places various across the world, we could secure your financial future by turning these letters into a book. You have brightened up an otherwise dull and dreary day!

Tigs:

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

I'm reluctant to bring my own topic back to the top but the world needs to know.

On my second day back in Blighty after another spell down in the desert (Thumrait this time) I had cause to go into the shed.

There looking at me is ANOTHER lawnmower, this time a green Qualcast thing, next to the orange Hover one. (I spent several minutes blinking to see if I was imagining it.)

Under interrogation Mrs Lovechild admits trying to mow the edge of the patio with the Hover. The thing is a write-off and at £120 it has cost the Lovechild family £40 per mow.

That is all.

SPHL

[Scud-U-Like]

The novelty value of a hover mower is generally three mows and the mowing efficiency even briefer than that.

Mrs L has unwittingly done you a great service in acquiring a lawnmower that substantially remains in contact with the ground at all times. All you need now is a spouse to match. ;)

[BEagle]

Oh dear. She's doing something very dangerous. She's going to drive the mower..... She should be having coffee mornings, looking after the kittens, making scones and little cakes and doing some knitting. Wimmin- know your place!

Look you cheapskate - don't you know that high technology items like hover mowers are utterly beyond wimmins' capabilities? When it went "GRRRRRR THUNK FZZT!!" she probably thought a little polishing of the bodywork would suffice. When you're off playing in the MoD sandpit, employ a little man from the village to act as groundsman. Mrs L can bring him cups of tea and home baked cakes while he mops his rustic brow and gets on with the man's work......


PS - This is not supposed to be serious!

PPS - I have an orange 'turbo'(?) hover mower with grass box and I reckon it's the puppy's privates!!

[wetman]

Funniest thing I have read in weeks, keep up the good work..........

[Background Noise]

Can you still get the RAF to cut your grass when the 'head of the household' is away? They didn't ever do a very good job mind.

[ATCbabe]

SirPeterHardingsLovechild


There looking at me is ANOTHER lawnmower


You surely did not expect her to listen to you and not buy a new lawnmower??? I know I would of!!!;) :p

My excuse, "Well you weren't here to sort it!!!" How could you argue with female logic like that?:rolleyes: And at £40 pounds a mow, well I'm sure that was cheap at the price:eek:

Anyway gotta run, need to take my cookies out of the oven and feed those kittens!!;)

[ZH875]

Don't bother with a Flymo, just water the grass with Whisky.

The grass will grow half cut.

If the wife needs to use the mower, keep it under the kitchen sink.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Good evening, and welcome to my personal depository of anecdotes, to be downloaded for my leaving speech.

There was a 70 Sqn Beercall last Thurday afternoon with 6 people leaving. I had arranged to watch the England v Portugal football down the pub in Devizes with some friends, so I just went along to hear the leaving speeches and have 2 pints of free beer. Which I did. Then, driving off camp, the clutch broke on my car. Eeek! Can't fix it, its 1 hour to kick off, wife is on nightshift! I'm in uniform.

Okay. I'm in the military. I'm trained to deal with situations like this. Don't Panic. Stop. Think. Prioritise.

So I pushed it into a car park and walked to the Sgts Mess, booked a room for the night. Couldn't phone the wife at work, don't know the number. The 70 sqn party was fancy dress, so I went in shorts, T shirt and a Hercules toilet curtain as a cape. On my way in I met the Staish and the AOC on the way out. Agreed to meet them in the Junior Ranks disco later. A football match, with extra time and penalties later, I was struggling to remember that I was married, let alone remember that I should tell the wife where I was.

Anyway, after 25 years of various conflicts & wars, the wife rarely asks me if I get up to anything dangerous. Now, one night missing in Lyneham and she's on the phone to the Wiltshire Constabulary. (Fri morning by now) So my new Warrant Officer (who hadn't noticed that I was late for work) is now leading the search party. Anyway they found me, still in my toilet curtain, asleep in a room in the Sgts Mess. Luckily I hadn't puked in the bin or shat in the sink, although I was certainly drunk enough.

So that was that. A hangover that would have killed a civilian, an annoyed Warrant Officer, a tearful wife, a broken down car and a wedding to go to the next day.

All's well now. Fixed the car myself. Little rubber seal in the clutch slave cylinder, approx cost 20p, but had to buy the whole unit for £50. Wife has a short forgiving memory. WO was more worried that I'd be getting divorced. Sgts Mess staff just glad I didn't do a Grand Slam (and become their newest permanent resident) Wiltshire Constabulary Missing Person Case Number 116 closed (but on file?)

Glad England got beat 'cos I'm grounded.

I'm missing a few incidents from the night as well. I vaguely remember asking a Mess Dressed bemedalled Senior Loadie if he was 'Always_Broken_in_Wilts' but on reflection, I think for one night only, I was.

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

SPHL,

Sounds like a top nite out......good skills fella:E

Have some medals but my mess kit last saw action 10 years ago so no way will I get my lard arse into it now:O As regards "senior" status you could safely use that word in con junction with citizen in my case:ok:

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Aha! You have fallen straight into my carefully prepared trap.

By the simple process of elimination I have now deduced that you are not the person I thought you were.

One down.

149 to go

[THINALBERT]

Advert in Post Office window in Devizes seen many years ago.


For Sale. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Not needed anymore as I have just got married and my wife knows f@$%ing EVERYTHING!

[Navaleye]

I had a similar experience with Spike Milligan many years ago, only this time with the Pakistani Dalek sketch and experienced the same result as yourself.

Truly excellent post - almost worth making it sticky.

[OKOC]

Thinalbert,

That sign was even closer than Devizes cos Scouser the old stn barber (god bless 'im) had it on his mirror!

Mr LC,

If it helps I\'ve still got my grannies old recipe for "Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie" somewhere. Maybe you could tempt Mrs LC to cook it for you instead of your fave "steak au rocquefort, chips and mushy peas".

If she is a little reticent I find the adage "waste not want not" takes the heat out of the situation>
good luck

No flies on Me!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Ah...The Pakistani Dalek Sketch

(enter Dalek wearing a turban)

'Hello darling how's Mr Banerjee'

'He's...not...very...well'

'Why'

'I...exterminated...him'

zzzzzzapppp!!!

'You've exterminated Granny!'

'Put...her...in...the...curry.'
_________________

And not forgetting the Jehovahs Burglars

'We are being persecuted for our beliefs'

'What are your beliefs?'

'We believe you've got a lot of good silverware....'


Pure genius, but unlikely to be repeated on UK Gold or the Paramount Comedy Channel.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

At post #7 on this thread I mentioned a Spike Milligan sketch that made me laugh so much I had a coughing fit and threw up.

I found it on the internet a couple of days ago. Here it is:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Libny5i9w

and here is the Pakistani Dalek Sketch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0wK1psQk7s

Enjoy.

What the hell, I might as well chuck in the Monty Python Fish Slapping Dance at no extra charge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s

[MrBernoulli]

LAUGH??????? Oops ..... I think ..... I've followed through!

[mcs7]

______________________________________________
Right I'm F***ing pissed off with your lawnmower. I tried to get it going last night and almost succeeded first time then I ran out of steam. The same thing has just happened again and it's a glorious evening but I can't mow this b**tard lawn! Don't tell me to go get Alan or Mick to help because they're not in. It's a bank holiday and every one in the world but me is off enjoying themselves. If you're not going to be here for the rest of the summer then I'm going to buy a mower I can use. This is not open to negotiation. I am totally p***ed off with your super duper American heap of sh*t. I only hope I can get the b***ard going some time over the bank holiday, otherwise you'll come back to a jungle

Last time I was OOA I got an email that started exactly the same - when I got back I couldn't find the piece of american crap because it was hidden behind the new Flymo which apparently was also Sh!t, the B & D 4 wheel drive off road all terrain mower that had 3 different interlocking safety devices and a 15 quid blue thing from Focus with some kind of plastic blades that could cut like a Gurkha. The american one started first pull when I tried - that really impressed her.

Any how, does anyone want to buy a mower? I don't need one now I'm living in the mess again.:ok:

[brickhistory]

Great, funny posts!

Amazing how universal the circumstances of military folks (serving and family) are....

[Tigs2]

Awesome thread

Loved the Dalek sketch. I read on one of the comments underneath it that on Spike Milligans Gravestone it says 'i told you i was ill':)

[flipster]

Apparently, the church authorities wouldn't allow that amount of irreverence on a gravestone.

So instead, Spike arranged to have a Gaelic verse as an inscription, with which the authorities were happy.

"Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite"

Roughly translated, it means.........."I told you I was ill"!


The man was a comic genius!!!!!!

[Rocket Chucker]

The Spike links are s:mad:t hot - nice one. The worrying part is that Spike looks like the 'sort' I threw the old leg over in Wassenberg on Frau's Night only better looking.

Happy days - those I can remember:ok:

[tarbaby]

Sounds like my ex-wife.