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ian16th
4th Jan 2015, 13:46
Two recent threads have prompted me to start this one.

1. Useless new car features; and
2. Perfect Tea

My starter to the conversation is a stupid, impractical, fancy tea and coffee maker.

I am referring to 1962!

A heat resistant glass called Pyrex was popular and companies were looking for ways to use it. One solution was the monstrosity that a distant relation bought for my new wife & I.

It consisted of 4 gold leaf decorated glass vessels, 2 large and 2 smaller ones. The 2 smaller ones were relatively normal milk jug and sugar container. The 2 larger ones were supposedly a tea and coffee pot. They came complete with a 'brassed' wire tray, that 4 'holes' to locate the glassware. There was also a metal tea infuser and built into the metal tray a 'candle holder' with a nightlight type candle.

The instructions indicated that the infuser was filled with tea or coffee and hung over the side of the pot, boiling water was added, after the tea was brewed, the infuser was removed and the candle could be lit, this would ensure that the tea was kept hot, but because the tea leaves had been removed, the tea would not 'stew', but remain fresh.

During its life, the main achievement of this monstrosity was as a conversation piece. Visitors would utter something along the lines of; 'WTF is that?'

It eventually was broken in one of our 17 house moves, and we don't miss it one little bit.

What did you receive?

UniFoxOs
4th Jan 2015, 13:50
most useless thing I received was wishes for a happy marriage.

MFC_Fly
4th Jan 2015, 13:54
Most useless thing I got was my first wife :ouch:

uffington sb
4th Jan 2015, 14:25
Most useless thing we got was a Goblin Teasmaid. It was meant to wake you up with a nice freshly brewed cup of tea. The problem was it was so noisy that it woke you up before he tea was made, so you might as well go down stairs and make a cuppa using fresh milk rather than the UHT portions you had to use in a centrally heated house.
There was a young lady that used to frequent the Wittering discos who went by the nickname of ' the gobbling teasmade' , as after she'd done the biz, she made one a cuppa, or so I'm told!

VP959
4th Jan 2015, 14:27
Most useless thing I got was my first wife

Me too....................

ExXB
4th Jan 2015, 15:35
Would that include the Father 'giving away the bride'? ...

radeng
4th Jan 2015, 15:42
Very underpowered electric carving knife. Didn't ask for it, either...

mixture
4th Jan 2015, 15:45
Very underpowered electric carving knife

Surely underpowered or not, an electric carving knife qualifies as useless on its own ?

If someone can't carve using a normal knife, then an electric knife isn't going to help their cause and they should be relegated from carving duties forthwith.

A nice sharp knife is all you need, no need to bring electricity into the mix.

radeng
4th Jan 2015, 15:49
Having got it, had to try it. Twice, just in case. It was got rid of for me at a boot sale....after sitting in a cupboard for 6 years!

Next most useless present was an electric can opener.......

Capot
4th Jan 2015, 15:52
Year's supply of condoms.....from the best man...

SpringHeeledJack
4th Jan 2015, 15:55
When I saw the thread title, I thought I'd post 'Wife!' as a bit of black humour. Seems that I was too slow, as it's already been posted 3 times already :D



SHJ

Exascot
4th Jan 2015, 16:19
And, I have been too slow as well! The best was my father's by giving away Mrs Exascot the second. Unconventional I know, but her father was no longer with us and she wanted my father to perform the duty.

igs942
4th Jan 2015, 16:53
My wife was cunning and went for the wedding list option so everything has been useful. However I do also have a year's supply of condoms. Can't wait to open it.

olympus
4th Jan 2015, 17:02
Grammar Nazi alert...

...that a distant relation bought for my new wife & I.

I know '...my new wife & I' sounds as though it should be correct but trust me, it isn't. Just leave out the 'my new wife &' bit and see if it makes sense.

(Sorry for the thread drift but mistakes on the internet can't go unchallenged)

ian16th
4th Jan 2015, 17:10
Grammar Nazi alert...

I don't care.

421dog
4th Jan 2015, 17:58
Surely underpowered or not, an electric carving knife qualifies as useless on its own ?

If someone can't carve using a normal knife, then an electric knife isn't going to help their cause and they should be relegated from carving duties forthwith.


I beg to differ in that really perfectly smoked brisket cuts better with an electric knife or a rotary slicer. Even with a shaving sharp fillet knife, or my ludicrously expensive and anal-retentively maintained Yanagiba, it tends to separate unacceptably when cut manually.

No other use for them though.

We got a small amount of esoteric silver flatware (fish forks and such) from my mother in law (who didn't like me and refused to allow her husband to pay for our wedding, but insisted on coming), which wasn't what we asked for, and which matched HER recently dead mother's pattern.

Lon More
4th Jan 2015, 18:07
The wife ....

SOPS
4th Jan 2015, 18:13
The advice I got that after marriage your wife would stop doing it.....that was 30 lovely years ago.

Capetonian
4th Jan 2015, 18:36
Mother-in-law would be my answer.

I just asked a friend this question. His reply was :
"The useless parasitic bunch of good for nothing layabouts that were her family."

mikedreamer787
5th Jan 2015, 01:39
The wife ....

You beat me to it Mr More.

Clare Prop
5th Jan 2015, 01:46
Because we already had two households full of stuff and didn't want to drag loads of luggage back to Australia, the UK rellies who came to our wedding there were gently hinted to. Sure enough, various cheques were given, all made out to "Mr and Mrs [Mr Prop's surname]" and in UK pounds. :sad: So...they were a lovely thought but useless as my only UK account is in my maiden name, which I still use anyway!

It got sorted out but a lot of tact was needed, the subject of money being so "delicate" over there with the oldies!

ian16th
5th Jan 2015, 09:24
Ghastly grammar error in OP, cannot forgive that!!!! :ugh:So sorry HC, but I didn't go to a grammer school, just a 2ndry modern.

goudie
5th Jan 2015, 09:34
Far from being useless we still have the bread board we were given over 55 years ago.
Haven't a clue what else we were given, it wasn't much!

Stanwell
5th Jan 2015, 10:25
Alarm clock?
Oh c'mon, henry - A wake-up call after the event is about as useful as shutting the stable door.. etc.

ian16th
5th Jan 2015, 11:48
Far from being useless we still have the bread board we were given over 55 years ago

Not quite as good, but we still have a 2 bar electric fire from 52+a bit years ago. And I have changed one of the two elements!

No doubt you bread board has been more reliable!

Exascot
5th Jan 2015, 12:39
Me no understand the error. I looked it up on Giggle. Me no understand the answer. Why then can HMQ, who presumably speaks her own English, say, 'My husband and I'?

Trigger (Only Fools & Horses) had his broom for many years as well. If you recall it had however had a few new heads and handles though.

Hobo
5th Jan 2015, 12:49
However I do also have a year's supply of condoms.

Year's supply of condoms.....from the best man...

Which was how many? 365 or far more or far less?

Stanwell
5th Jan 2015, 12:58
Like the groom who was given 144 condoms - because he was grossly oversexed.
I know - hat, coat, etc...

matkat
5th Jan 2015, 13:11
First Wife and Mother in law a real battleaxe as for the the second ex Mrs Matkat her Mother had long departed her mortal coils.:p

Lonewolf_50
5th Jan 2015, 13:35
The most useless things to arrive in our wedding gift pile were those silver serving trays. If you have a maid who will keep them polished, maybe not such a bad thing for the twice per year entertaining that required silver plated serving trays. Otherwise, useless. We polished them up one weekend and gave them away ... about 20 years ago. Don't miss them.

keyboard flier
5th Jan 2015, 15:15
Quote:
However I do also have a year's supply of condoms.

Quote:
Year's supply of condoms.....from the best man...

Which was how many? 365 or far more or far less?

Could be 12 - jan, feb, mar, etc.

Or 3 - b/day, anniversary & xmas :{

Standard Noise
5th Jan 2015, 21:56
A potato, from my newly acquired (at that time) mother-in-law. A wee clay potato dressed like a Leprechaun. Utter f**king trash. I'd have preferred it if she'd given us the money it cost to buy..................................which I imagine was a about three quid. Silly cow.


As a friend remarked recently, "I like my mother-in-law, she's an angel."
Says I, "you lucky ba****d, mine's still alive!"

igs942
6th Jan 2015, 00:35
@ Hobo & Keyboard flier

There's a clue in my post. Having said this I clearly have made a miscalculation because I've been married for two years...

mikedreamer787
6th Jan 2015, 01:16
An old saying was a couple should put a penny in a piggy bank every time they had sex during the first 2 years of marriage. Thereafter remove a penny for each session.

You'll never empty the piggy.

Vercingetorix
6th Jan 2015, 01:19
A Vibrator, no use for it at all. :D

mikedreamer787
6th Jan 2015, 01:59
Well its truly reassuring Mr V that you don't need one! ;)

NutLoose
6th Jan 2015, 02:45
Quote:
Very underpowered electric carving knife


Maybe it was for shaving her legs..

Vercingetorix

A Vibrator, no use for it at all.

You could use it for putting a head on your beer...

Vercingetorix
6th Jan 2015, 08:33
You could use it for putting a head on your beer.

Tried that, great fun.

Evanelpus
6th Jan 2015, 16:56
A lawn mower and a dildo from Ann Summers.

I was told that if I didn't like the lawn mower I could go and :mad:myself!

igs942
6th Jan 2015, 21:25
Cheers Mike :-). Am off to check an expiry date. Hope there's enough in the piggy bank if I need to go shopping...