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sidevalve
4th Dec 2014, 05:42
Reading that "Wishing you hadn't started that simple job (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/552261-wishing-you-hadnt-started-simple-job.html)" thread reminded me of several other immutable laws that are probably more valuable to mankind than those of Isaac Newton..
I refer to the Laws of DIY:
1.Thereís no such thing as a simple job.
2. If it isnít broken, fix it until it is.
3. If the screw just won't go in, use a bigger hammer.
4. The drill bit you want is the one thatís missing from the box.
5. Never be tempted to change the drill bit with the power on.
6. Measure twice. Cut once.
7. The best tool is a mug of coffee. Look at the job often - thinking time is never wasted.
8. Anything thrown away will be needed inside a week.
9. If you need one thing to finish a job, the shops will be closed.
10. When the shop is finally open, that single item you want only comes in a pack of six.
11. If it's your lucky day, and the shop has in stock the item you need in a single pack, they will have it in two sizes: too large and too small.
12. A dropped Allen key, nut, bolt or screw will always bounce - as if by magic - to the most inaccessible place.
13. As soon as you get grease/glue/paint on your hands, your nose will itch, you will need to take a leak (or worse!) or the phone will ring.
14. You've been saving something for 20 years knowing that one day you'll need it. When that day finally arrives, you can't remember where you left it. (happened to me yesterday!)
15. Never start a job on a Sunday afternoon.
There are more..

Hydromet
4th Dec 2014, 06:36
Don't try and work quickly. The hurrier you go, the behinder you'll get.

MagnusP
4th Dec 2014, 06:58
You can never find the thing you need until you don't need it.

(True. Spent an hour searching in the garage for a can of leak detector, gave up, used strong solution of washing-up liquid. Next day, went out to pick up a pot of paint and the leak detector was at the front of a shelf, eye level.)

sitigeltfel
4th Dec 2014, 07:07
Someone will have used the last bandage/band aid the day before you do involuntary finger surgery.

Vercingetorix
4th Dec 2014, 07:15
The Theory of "The perversity of inanimate objects".
The more you get angry and shout at the object the more perverse it becomes.

Blacksheep
4th Dec 2014, 07:20
The same rules apply to model building.

The only known supplier (https://www.whiteensignmodels.com/)of the part you need closed down last weekend. :{

ian16th
4th Dec 2014, 07:25
The most useless tool in your tool box is the wrong size Allan Key!

treadigraph
4th Dec 2014, 07:35
4. The drill bit you want is the one thatís missing from the box.

With me it's screwdrivers.

12. A dropped Allen key, nut, bolt or screw will always bounce - as if by magic - to the most inaccessible place.

Just been sorting out a "shopkit" display at work, half of which had been assembled arse about face by our former FM guy. Naturally while standing atop the ladder I managed to drop a vital bloody grub screw on to a dark flecked carpet with absolutely no clue where it went. Oh well...

Can't believe that I put my hand straight on it when I started to search, I'd never have seen it.


Another one.

Superglue is a must for many DIY tasks - it is guaranteed to rapidly and permanently stick objects to anything other than that intended.

MagnusP
4th Dec 2014, 07:43
treadi, good point. I managed to superglue my thumb to one of MrsP's shoes while effecting running repairs in Sorrento. Some of us will remember Slasher reporting a much, much worse superglue incident.

Exascot
4th Dec 2014, 08:56
In my workshop everything has a place. I am punctilious in clearing up after a job and putting everything back on the right hook, in the right box, in the right place on the right shelf. So how do things go missing? :{

No one else goes in there :ugh:

Actually, we have a resident Mozambique Spitting Cobra living underneath the workshop. Perhaps he sneaks in and nicks things and takes them back to his nest. I must stick my hand under the floor boards and see if I can find the swag! :ooh:

tartare
4th Dec 2014, 09:01
God Magnus - I shudder to think.
The stuff was invented for suturing wounds in Vietnam without stitching I think?
Hard enough to get two fingers apart when one superglues them together.
Trying to unstick the old fella...?
Christ...

SpringHeeledJack
4th Dec 2014, 10:42
One can only nod one's head and both laugh and cry at the points put out so far. Things can go missing, especially in confined spaces and sod's law that 'thing' will fall into a crevice that will need a mini mission to recover it….I was working many years ago in a 30x30m room devoid of anything doing some wiring and had (I thought) put my several tools down in a neat line beside me. Several times in the 2 hours of work things 'disappeared', I checked under me in case they had become attached, but they were gone. A little while later they were there where they had been, and yet there was no where for them to have gone to. Most frustrating, yet I found it funny as it defied logic. Later on one of the company workers mentioned that a deceased caretaker with a wicked sense of humour had been known to play tricks on the staff from beyond the grave :eek:

Should one have the good fortune to have enough space to have a workshop, the walls will be covered in board with hooks where each tool will hang with a drawn outline to show idiot style where they belong. It is truly frustrating when that tool has magically hid itself when you need it :ugh::ugh::ugh: Perhaps it's a conspiracy by the International Federation of Tool Suppliers (IFTS) ? :suspect:



SHJ

Mechta
4th Dec 2014, 10:45
The most useless tool in your tool box is the wrong size Allan Key! Or one that is too soft and chews up when you put any force on it. The advice I was given is to only buy allen keys on to which the maker has stamped their name.

A recent news article said that a chain of British DIY stores was closing 50 of its stores as the current house buying generation just don't have the enthusiasm or skills for DIY that their predecessors did. Another take is that they are so busy working to pay for the tiny hovel they can afford, that they are too knackered in their spare time to work on it.

DIY stores are hammered by lack of do-it-yourself drive | Life and style | The Guardian (http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/22/homebase-diy-do-it-yourself-store-closures)

A work colleague of mine reckons that DIY stands for 'Don't Involve Yourself' or 'Destroy It Yourself'.

treadigraph
4th Dec 2014, 10:45
Trying to unstick the old fella...?

I had a vision of Slasher with his hands firmly stuck to the, ah, assets of a well endowed young lady.


Just remembered, to do some wiring, I lifted a floorboard using my nice new crowbar purchased to replace the old one which I couldn't find. Up came the board, there's me old one nestling between the joists - been there at least five years and how I missed seeing it when I put the board back last time...

MagnusP
4th Dec 2014, 10:57
Nice thought, Treadi, but the incident was rather more prosaic. He glued his d!ck to his thigh while naked and attempting to repair a cup. I defy anyone here to be able to report a more wince-worthy DIY disaster. :ok:

ShyTorque
4th Dec 2014, 11:27
A recent news article said that a chain of British DIY stores was closing 50 of its stores as the current house buying generation just don't have the enthusiasm or skills for DIY that their predecessors did. Another take is that they are so busy working to pay for the tiny hovel they can afford, that they are too knackered in their spare time to work on it.

If it's Homebase we're talking about, I'd say their lack of sales has more to do with them pricing themselves out of the market. Some, if not most, of their prices are far higher than other DIY outlets. I stopped going there for exactly that reason.

Ancient Mariner
4th Dec 2014, 11:38
MagnusP: I defy anyone here to be able to report a more wince-worthy DIY disaster.

Not in the same category, but.
Was sewing a bag before signing off a ship, using needle, thread and sewing palm. Reinforcing the bag with rope, I did not notice that the needle was resting on the leather part of the palm instead of the brass part. Using all my force the blunt end of the needle, with thread, went through the leather and into the palm of my hand.
Rather funny watching the thread sticking out. Asked wifey who happened to be in the cabin at the time to pull the needle out, she went green.

Another time during home DIY, had removed some wood joinery and dropped them on the floor. Jumped down from the ladder straight on a nail that became embedded in my big toe. Jumped around on one foot with a one meter piece of wood attached to the other.
Upon being requested for assistance, wifey again turned green.
Need new wife.
Per

ShyTorque
4th Dec 2014, 11:40
The stuff was invented for suturing wounds in Vietnam without stitching I think?

Superglue! I wasn't aware of its legacy at the time but discovered that use for it after a bit of an issue with a Stanley knife. I was working in the garage and suddenly had a hand spurting blood from a cut to the bone. It definitely looked like a casualty department job, and I would need driving there. Rather than go inside and give the missus a cause to scream then faint, making my problem worse, I decided to attempt a DIY repair instead; I was well aware that superglue stuck to skin better than anything else. Worked a treat. I then wiped myself down, went to the bathroom, found an Elastoplast, stuck it over the repair and carried on working. The missus was none the wiser until a few days later.

ShyTorque
4th Dec 2014, 11:44
Was sewing a bag before signing off a ship, using needle, thread and sewing palm. Reinforcing the bag with rope, I did not notice that the needle was resting on the leather part of the palm instead of the brass part. Using all my force the blunt end of the needle, with thread, went through the leather and into the palm of my hand.

Sewing those mail bags on prison ships was hell, wasn't it? ;)

Blacksheep
4th Dec 2014, 11:46
DIY has a different meaning in certain circles. A right bunch of w**nkers they are, too. :suspect:

Ancient Mariner
4th Dec 2014, 11:50
ShyTorque:Sewing those mail bags on prison ships was hell, wasn't it?

Nah, not too bad, they even allowed your spouse to drop by.
Per

G-CPTN
4th Dec 2014, 11:55
If it's Homebase we're talking about, I'd say their lack of sales has more to do with them pricing themselves out of the market. Some, if not most, of their prices are far higher than other DIY outlets.

We have recently (April 2014) got a new-build Homebase store in our nearby town - I went once and was not impressed.

Of course, the planning of the development site has been a long time in evolving (with planning set-backs), but it seems strange that Homebase decided to proceed with their plan, given the economic climate, however, they were probably committed to it from many years ago.

We'll have to see whether they survive - there's a Jewson not more than 150 yards away, and a couple of trade suppliers (Dove and MKM) within three-quarters of a mile.
Also a department store that sells DIY bits and pieces (not comprehensive, but centrally located - Homebase is not in the town centre).

Private jet
4th Dec 2014, 12:41
the planning of the development site has been a long time in evolving (with planning set-backs), but it seems strange that Homebase decided to proceed with their plan, given the economic climate, however, they were probably committed to it from many years ago.


They possibly/probably don't own the building and it depends on the lease deal they got.
For example my local DIY store; The freehold of the building and site is actually owned by Tesco, who have their supermarket located across the road.

In my experience DIY stands for "Do It for Years".
Its all very worthy but rule #1 should be "If you cannot finish the job the same day then don't start it".
Life is unfortunately just not long enough to undertake some DIY projects.

Hydromet
4th Dec 2014, 19:51
In my experience, it should not be DIY, but DYI - do yourself in.

OFSO
4th Dec 2014, 20:12
The missus was none the wiser until a few days later.

When what happened.....?

mikedreamer787
4th Dec 2014, 20:40
16. Hardware stores have everything known to Man except what you came in for.

17. If something breakable is capable of being dropped....it will.

18. Written DIY instructions assume you have 3 hands.

19. Something you built / repaired will always look like 'you did it'.

20. Something new to be done will always need an item you haven't got in your tool box (closed loop with Law 16 above).

tartare
4th Dec 2014, 22:05
You would have all p!ssed yourselves laughing if you'd been able to see my latest effort at DIY.
Tartare Towers has a veranda out the back with a sloping roof over it, that had no guttering around the edge. When torrential Sydney summer rain hits, it's like a waterfall pouring into the garden.
Guttering called for - so off down to Bunnings (B&Q equivalent here in Oz) to purchase easy to install plastic guttering.
After much wobbling on top of ladder, swearing and cursing, front run of guttering is installed, with a perfect 5cm fall over the 10 metre length to ensure correct drainage (no mean feat I can tell you!)
Ladder is then moved to side of roof to install clips to hold side run of guttering.
More wobbling, swearing and cursing.
Side run of guttering is then clipped into place, ladder is moved to join them up, and discovery is made that side run of guttering falls beautifully to terminate precisely 1cm below bottom of front run of guttering.
F&ck me - laugh? I almost cried...

TWT
4th Dec 2014, 22:31
Quite often it is cheaper to just hire a tradesman.

By the time you have bought the bits and extra tools and then bought more bits because the first lot didn't fit,you've already expended a lot of money not to mention time and aggravation.

Plus,you can blame the tradesman when your wife isn't happy with it for some reason,instead of your efforts being nitpicked for the term of your natural life
mmmmmmm
kkkkkkkkkk

Stanwell
4th Dec 2014, 23:12
.
With reference to DIY hardware, has anybody else found that most stuff 'Made in China' only LOOKS like what it's supposed to be?

The phrase "seldom fit for purpose" comes to mind.

Loose rivets
5th Dec 2014, 01:55
I'll dig this out again. Really is the single most :ugh: moment.

"Used gas boiler 60 quid" in the local. 5' tall and 400+ lbs., it took three of us to heave it into the little boiler house.

Fantastic. Huge brass tap let me throttle it back to a reasonable flame without losing the flame colour I needed. Good old clunking technology.

But, after one stay here, I came back to a cold, cold house. We kept warm under an electric blanket, and I staggered down with the dawn to make the house a bit welcoming for Mrs R. The odd thing about my home was that the original gas pipe snaked round the entire house, and for some reason the pipe needed bleeding. It would have taken a month to do it through the pilot tube, so I undid the huge brass conical coupling. Well I was zoned close to spaced-outness.

The idea was, to wait until the smell of stale air turned to gas. Bad mistake...especially when you have left a candle burning on top of the boiler case.

There was a big ball of orange flame that lifted me quite gently out of the boiler house and plonked me into what was to become the laundry. I lifted myself up by what was to become the butler's sink, and ran out of what was to become the door.

I carried out fire drill with a new-found alertness.

When I took tea to the missus. Her eyes went from a sort of zone-bleary...through to a question mark...and then to saucers. "What the ***** have you done to yourself?" I went to the mirror.

"Fat lot of use getting a suntan when you don't have any eyebrows or significant hair." One thunk to oneself.

AtomKraft
5th Dec 2014, 04:32
Homebase deserve all they get.
The one in Greenock is eye-wateringly expensive.

I would only enter that store under extreme duress.

Go bust. You'll only be missed by your employees.

The Flying Pram
8th Dec 2014, 10:48
If it's Homebase we're talking about, I'd say their lack of sales has more to do with them pricing themselves out of the market. Some, if not most, of their prices are far higher than other DIY outlets.Our local one has just had an expensive revamp, with the previous (reasonably) organised rows of stock now replaced with numerous smaller isles, all criss-crossed with one another. I took my elderly mother there last week, and it was a nightmare trying to find her, after going in search of some things for myself - which they didn't have. It used to be pretty easy to just walk along one side of the store, glancing down each row, but now...

Even she didn't like the new look, and questioned why Laura Ashley had taken over a largish section, with even higher priced stuff. I will probably still visit, but only because it's the closest, reasonably large, DIY outlet. We also have 2 B&Q's, but one of them now has ONLY self service checkouts working, and I refuse point blank to subject myself to synthesised female voices. If I've done something wrong I prefer to be told in person.

MagnusP
8th Dec 2014, 11:20
Pram, which synthesised bits of female do you prefer, then? :E

OFSO
8th Dec 2014, 15:33
the pipe needed bleeding. It would have taken a month to do it through the pilot tube

Until my 20 year-old-gas central heating boiler failed last January* I had to bleed the gas pipe from street to house - about 60' - every winter before the heater would fire up. And I can tell you it took about 20 minutes holding one lever in while every now-and-then pushing the spark generator until gas finally arrived and the pilot lit. I often thought about fitting a bleed valve: thanks to your post I now know I was right not to.

*The new one lives on a lower floor, never go near it, lights perfectly when needed, even after a summer of non-use - well, I did fire it up once when the pollution examiners came for their five-year-visit.

wings folded
8th Dec 2014, 16:32
Central heating water pump died after, shall we say, a few years of service.

The chappy who came to replace it, seeing the age of the boiler, ran screaming down the road while trying simultaneously to climb into his astronaut suit, because there was asbestos :( present in the boiler.

It was the joint around the peek hole you peer through to see if the pilot is lit which contained (yoicks) asbestos. A good two foot away from the pump which is not in the boiler itself.

The diplomacy it took me to get him to change my pump makes me think that I shall probably solve the Palestine question tomorrow morning, a short lunch break, then the Ukraine problem, then afternoon tea and back to it to resolve the long standing Schleswig-Holstein issue.

Gibraltar can wait till the day after, but I will probably do the Falkland question at the same time.

Don't promise to stop the lunacy from Brussels, though. Only so much a man can do...

Effluent Man
8th Dec 2014, 17:32
After my antics of Saturday I wonder if the laws of DIY and gravity have conspired. I was up a step ladder painting the higher reaches of the stair well when the ladder re-enacted the collapse of the WTC.

It must have looked quite funny and luckily the ground broke my fall. Bruised coccyx and strained neck. Could have been worse.

ShyTorque
8th Dec 2014, 18:03
If the DIY store has a bolt of the correct diameter, it will be too short to get a washer and nut on. If the bolt is the correct length, it will be the wrong diameter.

Having tried every DIY store in town, you will give up, go home and order an expensive bulk pack on eBay, when you only need one bolt. On their arrival, a week later, you will go into the garage to do the job and find the exact bolt you needed in the first place, in a tin.

SpringHeeledJack
8th Dec 2014, 19:18
If the DIY store has a bolt of the correct diameter, it will be too short to get a washer and nut on. If the bolt is the correct length, it will be the wrong diameter.

Having tried every DIY store in town, you will give up, go home and order an expensive bulk pack on eBay, when you only need one bolt. On their arrival, a week later, you will go into the garage to do the job and find the exact bolt you needed in the first place, in a tin.

One has often pondered on such occurrences and it, statistically speaking, must have very long odds being that it's unplanned and random and yetÖ..it has happened to me so many times and I'd wager to thousands, maybe millions of others as well on a more than singular basis. This 'might' mean that there is a guiding intelligence playing tricks at our expense, both in monetary terms and precious time. :{


SHJ

OFSO
8th Dec 2014, 19:52
there is a guiding intelligence playing tricks at our expense,

Turning as ever to Robert Heinlein, and quoting from "The Glory Road" where he quotes in turn Major Ian Hay in his book "War to End War".:

"The structure of all military bureaucracies consists of a Surprise Party Department; a Practical Joke Department; and a Fairy Godmother Department.

The first two process most matters as the third is very small: the Fairy Godmother Department is one elderly female GS-5 clerk usually out on sick leave.

But when she is at her desk, she sometimes puts down her knitting and picks up a name passing across her desk and does something nice....."

Now just imagine that guiding intelligence which affects all our lives and ESPECIALLY when we are doing DIY...don't the words of Major Hay ring a bell ?

Loose rivets
8th Dec 2014, 23:28
As I was tiling this: (the photos were in the bucket anyway)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/walnaze/Building%20and%20buildings/17thSept01025.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/walnaze/media/Building%20and%20buildings/17thSept01025.jpg.html)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/walnaze/Building%20and%20buildings/17thSept01024.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/walnaze/media/Building%20and%20buildings/17thSept01024.jpg.html)



....I'd cut the room from a skinny cupboard and a bit of bay window. Writon factory shutdown units made it a cheap project. Anyway, I like to stripe the backs of the tiles - not professional I know, but I get better than .5mm accuracy. Anyway again, I was up and down a little steppy-stool, moving it along about a metre a go. Suddenly, I was scraping my nose along the ceiling. Fortunately I got a reasonable break-fall in as I crashed into a pile of building materials. I looked at the tilted stool for something to blame, but the blame was mine. I'd put one leg in the drain hole I'd cut through the floor.

Phalconphixer
8th Dec 2014, 23:55
First came across this a few years ago, but this thread reminded of it, so I dug it out, had another laugh, and thought I would share it...

I mean we've all been there and done that, got the t-shirt... and the scars...

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't
you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing
now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and
that your AA / RAC / AAA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think
three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38
last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before
chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some
congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since
it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy
some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order
to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo
the damage.

Ogre
9th Dec 2014, 01:08
In a similar vein:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive partsnot far from the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through thecontents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularlywell on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinningsteel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also worksgreat for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to therear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built onthe Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, themore dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: Used to round offbolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transferintense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely forlighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy forigniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing raceout of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on oldercars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful forsuddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks youin the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against thatfreshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and thenthrows them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removesfingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takesyou to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to theground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping thejack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4X2: Used for levering a carupward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see ifhe has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as asandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog crap offyour boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off inbolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument forilluminating grease build-up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool fortesting the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may haveforgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motormount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tipon the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool fortransferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolboxafter determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanningbooth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars atnight. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt lightbulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of theBulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab thelids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can alsobe used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energyproduced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms itinto compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench thatgrips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, androunds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metalsurrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch tooshort.