View Full Version : Any success wising up a friend to a likely gold digger?

18th Nov 2014, 22:44
If you have ever managed to give damage limitation advice that was acted upon to a friend smitten by what appeared to be a gold digger, would you like to share it?

My friend has, in my opinion, been steamrollered into buying an engagement ring beyond their sensible budget. I don't want to alienate my friend, if their relationship with 'possible gold digger' is genuine, but likewise don't wish to see them get taken to the cleaners (again) by a wouldbe spouse with self-interest foremost in their mind.

18th Nov 2014, 22:52
I have seen two friends taken to the cleaners by gold-diggers. Sadly, it is difficult to give advice, you can only drop subtle hints, as you will alienate the friend. They will be in lust and impervious to reason. By the time they realise it is too late.

Both friends lost their entire savings and ended up in debt, and it was sickening for me to watch them being milked, particularly in one case as he is registered disabled (through illness) and unable to earn a decent living.

I am afraid you will either lose the friend or lose the argument, or both.

18th Nov 2014, 23:13
Glad you responded here Cape, as I was trying to remember whether it was on the Nigerian scammer thread or elsewhere that there was quite a long and good discussion of this situation. There may have been an entirely separate thread on this subject. Wherever it was, it did have a lot of intelligent opinions on the topic.

19th Nov 2014, 06:28
been steamrollered into buying an engagement ring beyond their sensible budget

One question: isn't this usual ?

19th Nov 2014, 06:50
Sadly I have to agree with Cape, there isn't, as far as I know, any way to avoid either alienating your friend or preventing the inevitable.

I've seen clearly destructive relationships happen to friends that were predicted to be so by those that knew them, and there wasn't a thing any of us could do to prevent the inevitable.

One was a bloke who was clearly deeply in lust with a woman that was equally clearly out for what she could get (and had three previous husbands and a very nice house as a testament to that), and no matter what we tried, none of us could get him to see he was being lined up as income stream number four.

The other was a lady friend who was forming a relationship with a bloke who one or two of us knew had a habit of knocking women around, so we warned her in advance (and got our heads bitten off for even suggesting it). Sure enough he started knocking her around after a few drinks, she'd turn up on our doorstep having been beaten up, we'd comfort and advise her and she'd ignore the advice and go straight back to him the next day, with that cycle repeating for years.

When someone is in the thrall of another, reason goes out of the window, and they don't usually take heed of any third party advice, unfortunately.

bugged on the right
19th Nov 2014, 07:00
Sadly there is not a lot which can be done. In a former life I saw several of our captains fall victim. They were just average looking guys who suddenly appeared with trendy clothes and spiky haircuts, announcing scuba diving lessons in a tropical paradise. Our airline had some of the most beautiful young women on Earth and you knew what was coming next. One particular nationality were like barracudas and could smell a recently divorced pilot at 100 metres. All very nice but there comes a time when the guy is in his 70s with a wife in her prime and the pension is running low.

19th Nov 2014, 07:01
A woman I've known since she was in her late teens has gone from one abusive relationship, starting at home as a child, to another and so on in a continuing cycle. She's now in her late forties.

Between each cycle of abuse, with the same or different men, she's ended up on my doorstep, either literally or metaphorically, not heeded advice and support given, and gone back to the abuser 'because he says he won't do it again and I know he means it this time', or 'I know he's for real and he loves and respects me.'

What is it they say ...... 'none so blind'?

Sadly, you can't stop these people from falling. You can only be there to catch them when they do fall. Time and time again.

19th Nov 2014, 07:15
Metcha, sadly, if your friend is thinking through his one-eyed trouser snake, (as all we mere males do in the first few weeks or months of lust override), he won't thank you (well, maybe he will - but far too late), no matter how accurate your misgivings prove to be.

About the only approach with any chance of success - and it's a very, very slim one - is to ask him for advice about a (mythical) third party who you're concerned about, where you paint a situation (and this is important) NOT exactly, but only very, VERY vaguely like his. He'll give you the answer you're looking for, and (you can only hope) may, stress MAY, after he's left you - (i.e., don't try to draw parallels to his situation) - be able to see those parallels himself.

But the brain in that one-eyed trouser usually prevails until the glow wears off, which is almost always after the wallet is more than a little diminished.

I have a mate who married a Thai lady many, many years younger than he. Suffice to say, not all that too many years later, he's a far, far poorer man today than he was before he met her, particularly after having signed a whole bunch of documents in Thai in regards to the properties he bought, which, under Thai law, had to be in her name. While it may not have cost him quite as much per bonk as Paul Macartney paid per night of married bliss with Ms Heather Mills, it worked out to be a very high price per night, and (he now tells me) much, much more than if he'd called in a succession of very high class hookers seven nights a week every week he was married.

19th Nov 2014, 10:43
There's an old saying that if it flies, floats or f***s, it's cheaper to rent it.

19th Nov 2014, 10:49
If you do marry instead of renting, you will find that f*** stands for fart.

19th Nov 2014, 10:51
Afraid the guys are right. Even if your friend sees reason and ends the relationship, you will be forever remembered as the "friend" who ruined things. He may even be aware of what is going on and is willing to risk it. Be the friend who was there for him after things went bad.

19th Nov 2014, 10:55
Sadly, you can't stop these people from falling. You can only be there to catch them when they do fall. Time and time again.

It will depend on how much affection one has for said friend. I'd like to think that most of us would be supportive towards people we care about, but after a second or third episode we ourselves become 'enablers' allowing and supporting the toxic behavioural pattern to continue.


19th Nov 2014, 11:14

I think it was Woody Allen who posed the question:- "what's the difference between sex you pay for and free sex ? Free sex is a lot more expensive !