View Full Version : The politically correct Royal Navy of old

16th Nov 2014, 11:41
Sent to me and I thought you may appreciate it.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What crap is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had a hell of a job getting " England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Bloody hell Hardy, pass me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "Why not?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so bloody absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such bollocks. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the kermit`s and the dago`s?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal under the poof act of 2001 sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy....!"

16th Nov 2014, 18:17
This has been posted here a few times in the past.

Still humorous though, but much more the first time I read it.

wings folded
16th Nov 2014, 19:42
First time, drole.

Second time, mildly amusing.

Third time, I know what comes next

Fourth time, may as well go for an early night.

16th Nov 2014, 20:05
So it's been posted before.

Does it matter ?

17th Nov 2014, 01:45
Not at all.

In all honesty, so much of what is posted here has been posted before. It's the nature of the beast.

I for one found it an amusing reminder.

unstable load
18th Nov 2014, 07:10
I for one found it an amusing reminder.
An all too sad one, but true, nonetheless....

18th Nov 2014, 07:46
Fourth time, may as well go for an early night.Then fold your wings and go to sleep.

Good to read it again!! (Even a fifth time would be good!)

Should we play a game of "Spot the Poster who works in H&S'??

Training Risky
18th Nov 2014, 11:42
I thought this one was good too, as this is an aviation site:


20th Nov 2014, 10:27
And Life can imitate Art - or jokes!

The (British) Royal Navy had traditional "Daily Toasts" as follows:

Sunday "Absent Friends"
Monday "Our Ships at Sea"
Tuesday "Our Men"
Wednesday "Ourselves" (as no one else is likely to be concerned for us!)
Thursday "A Bloody War or a Sickly Season" (and a quick promotion!)
Friday "A Willing Foe and Sea-Room"
Saturday "Wives and Sweethearts" (may they never meet)

with the phrases in brackets being "understood" and sometimes actually stated.

In June last year the Tuesday and Saturday toasts were officially changed by 2SL (Second Sea Lord, the RN's Head of Personnel) to:

"Our Crews" and "Our Families" in recognition of the fact that females now serve at Sea. :ugh:

[off to a Taranto Dinner tonight, but Thursday hasn't changed! Although the Toast will of course be: "Men of Taranto"!]