EK: Personal issues

[GetBusy]

I´ve just been informed by my wife that she wants a divorce, taking the kids and moving back. I´m of course extremely upset about this and honestly don´t feel fit to fly at the moment as I can hardly sleep nor eat (sorry guys, I´m not that macho) and my mind will be everywhere except where it should be when flying.

What would the EK-community here recommend? Request emergency leave, just call sick, see the doctor? Is there any chance of sympathy from EK or will I just have to tough it out?

[fliion]

Get Busy

There is support available - can't remember the correct name of Dept (don't think it's Peer Support) one of the guys here will know.

It's primarily a group of mature Anglo type ladies and according to a bud who went to see them with same issue as you - it was automatic three weeks off - with no questions ever asked by Fleet.

Good luck.

chin up

f.

[EK380]

Sorry to hear.

Yes I would go and see a doc. EK will be supportive. Unfortunately happens quite frequently and know a few guys that had very good support.

good luck

[glofish]

Don't fly. Call in sick and contact your fleet chief (no deputies, managers) and ask for a meeting. Discuss the matter openly.

There is "peer support" as well, they are great for support, although they have no influence on rosters.

All the best.

[Desertweasel]

Family assist is possibly what we're talking about here. They are good and impartial in a non judgmental way.

[kumul1]

E mail [email protected]

[picollo]

Employee Assistance Program.

Hang in there , "even this will pass".

[jack schidt]

Sympathies to you in your difficult situation. With all due respect to your personal issues, do not make them worse by making a BIG mistake while at work and with your mind not being fully on the the job. The company does not want that, you don't want that and the passengers (including your buddies and their families) don't want that. If EK cannot see that this is compassionate leave time, then we are ALL in the wrong company.

Good luck, time will heal the pain somewhat but how much time is necessary is the question.

JS

[single chime]

I think Employee Assistance Program is the right name. They have flyers about it at the clinic iirc.
Good luck!

[ExpatBrat]

The department is definitely called Employee Assistance. There used to be a woman there named Amal Bourey (sp?) who was quite helpful. They all seem sincere and sympathetic.

They will help you get your time off (and I think that's a wise and safe decision to do so, by the way) and they will help you get through it as well. It may eventually lead to some time with Corporate Psychology, particularly in assessing your fitness to return to flying. It's sort of a double-edged sword. You may want the time off without the apparent intrusion of (let's face it) a slightly impersonal department meddling in your very personal affairs but you can't have one without the other, not unless you lie about the reason for leave.

As for how much time...well the best cure, when the time is right, might be a return to what you do.

Stay strong and remember, time will absolutely soften the edges of this eventually.

[QCM]

GetBusy check your private mails...

[Chewthecrude]

In the past one of our fellow aviators had very much the same issue. He went to his fleet manager and told them of his situation. He was directed to the appropriate department. He didn't fly for over a month. He didn't get given a hard time nor was it difficult to return to the line.

I've been through the same issue before EK. I continued to fly however in hind sight having to ask the other pilot to watch over you as your "head wasn't in the right place" wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done.

I feel for you. It's a nightmare. Time is the only healer. However between the employee assistance & the medical centre you'll be looked after. Just make sure you see the right doctor (not MK or especially not NA).

Hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon

[GetBusy]

Let me say I´m sincerely touched by the overwhelming show of support from the community here, for someone that seemed pretty new to the forum (which I´m not) That alone made me feel somewhat better.

I have made contact (two way :O) with Fleet and the Employee Assistance Program. To solve the immediate problem I used my two self certifiable days until I get further guidance from these two functions.

I also thank for the advice via PM on how to hide money from my ex and other divorce stories. That made me giggle for the first time in a long time.

[Flyboy_SG]

Getbusy.... I was in a similar situation too. But my company refused to give me leaves and I was forced to fly. I did a firm landing (0.1g less than hard Landing criteria ! Dang!) as PF and was about to pull the Gearup for landing flaps ! Happens !!!


Like all the wise people here said, time is the only healer. See if you talk it out and resolve. Iam sure You will be out of this soon.

[Ghost_Rider737]

leave with her ! your life will not be the same without your kids nearby !

Is ur wife divorcing you or "divorcing" Dubai ?

Most importantly you don't want to be parenting via Skype !

[mhk77]

@GetBusy,

Check your PMs :ok:

[Old King Coal]

Fwiw, there’s a LOT of your brother aviators that have been there before you on this one and, as such, you’re certainly not the first chap to go through this and you likewise won’t be the last!

It is a distressing period & process, and therein it is quite likely that you will feel waves of emotion, though - as has already been said - time is indeed a great healer, and therein the peaks & troughs of those waves will - in time - get less big and less frequent.

If you can take some time off towards helping to sort this out, both from a practical and emotional standpoint, then that’s probably for the best.

Wrt you children: As has been said above, it’s imperative that you keep contact with your children. You are still very much ‘their dad’ and (age dependent) they’re probably v.likely to be as rocked by this outcome, just as much as you are yourself.

Wrt to communications with your wife: Do try to keep the moral and emotional high-ground in your dealings with her, and please do not demean yourself with petty arguing and / or bickering with her. Be strong, be logical, be clear & concise and, most especially, DO NOT LOOSE YOUR TEMPER!

On a practical note (and albeit that one recognises that it’s maybe still early days in this process), might one politely suggest that you find & implement a method to make ‘child maintenance’ payments into a bank account which your ‘-ex’ does not have sole access to, always remembering that ‘child support’ is purposefully not designated as ‘ongoing ex-wife support’…. noting that some of us have been there and had the shirt ripped off our backs on that one! :uhoh:

Re-iterating what's been said above. Keep busy. Get your mates to take you out for a beer (or three, or ten). Get yourself out to a few BBQ's, and / or plan some yourself (and invite a few CC around to jolly up the place, and to jolly up you too!)... and know that we are all sympathetic to your plight (if only because many of us have also been there) and take comfort in the fact that we've all survived it! :)

[goatherd]

Sympathies from a guy who went through the same some years ago!

I could not eat or sleep for a few days, called the Fleet Manager, asked for emergency leave only to be told "sorry not enough captains"!!! So I asked if I could swop my 7 days leave the next month for 5 days emergency now. A few hours later, they took my 7 days and gave me 3 in return!!!!! Honest to the prophet.

A few months later I went to clinic, told the doc I've had enough and to her credit she just asked "how many weeks do you want?"

My flying really suffered for about 6 months so do yourself a favour, go to the clinic, pour your heart out and take 2 weeks off!!!

[Landflap]

Yeah well, 20 years ago, exact to the date, my wife ran off with my best mate. God I miss him ! Soreeee ! Laughter is the best medicine but I have to say Ladies & Gents (probably all Gents) who have commented, stand proud. What a lucky fella to have all of this support and a Company help line that seems to understand. Yes, many of us been through this and here to tell the tale. At the time, a dreadful journey. You will get through this and avail yourself of all of the marvellous support being offered. Well done EK guys. Wholly admirable.

[sheikhmahandy]

Reward for DOG!!!:cool:

Keep on truckin'!!

Life will go on and get better with time.

[319/320]

I don't want to start a whole new thread, but as long as we're on the subject...can anyone recommend a Dubai based, Canadian divorce-law specific laywer. pm would be great. Thanks.

[ExpatBrat]

You might want to start with Helene Mathieu. She's from Montreal and has had a practice here over ten years.

But I'll give you a heads-up - jurisdiction becomes the issue and for many reasons it's less complicated (especially if there's kids) to choose your home province instead of the UAE but that means a lawyer wouldn't be able to represent you very effectively from here.

Still...for advice or perhaps a connection in Canada that can help you, try Helene Mathieu Legal Consultants. Same building as the Consulate.

best of luck

[blorgwinder]

See your PM.

[319/320]

Thanks for taking the time, I will look her up.

[frankie777]

Hi Get Busy,

I want to write and wish you good luck in the sad and terrible situation that you find yourself. Unfortunately as of tonight I find myself in the same sad situation. My wife wants a divorce now but unlike your situation she is already back home with the kids for over a year now. The in's and outs of the situation are complicated but it has clearly not been helped by lack of leave, the distance between us and the excessive work patterns we are all doing here in EK.
After fifteen years of marriage I feel deeply saddened although I guess I would be kidding myself if I thought that this situation would never happen.
I called sick for my flight as lack of sleep and stress are taking their toll and I just would not have felt safe operating, although clearly as pilots we may see getting airborne as escape so it was tempting to continue.
I will try and go down the avenues that have been suggested on here as an interim measure before the worse stuff begins.
Anyway I wish you well and hope both our paths lead to a better place in time.

[QCM]

An aging master grew tired of his apprentice’s complaints. One morning, he sent him to get some salt. When the apprentice returned, the master told him to mix a handful of salt in a glass of water and then drink it.

“How does it taste?” the master asked.

“Bitter,” said the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, “Now drink from the lake.”

As the water dripped down the young man’s chin, the master asked, “How does it taste?”

“Fresh,” remarked the apprentice.

“Do you taste the salt?” asked the master.

“No,” said the young man. At this the master sat beside this serious young man, and explained softly,

“The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things. Stop being a glass. Become a lake.”

[Skud Run]

Thanks QCM for the story

[Outatowner]

A few years back HR stuck their noses into a friend's upgrade and delayed him six months because they knew his wife had split earlier on. They decided he wasn't ready. C***s.

Careful what you tell them at work, they need to know only the absolute minimum. They love to dominate you including at home.

[QCM]

Yes very true!!!

[777boyindubai]

Very very true Outa!!

[intlpg]

If you're still on the thread... fight for the sake of your children's future...until you can't fight anymore... Always keep it in the back of your mind - once upon a time you were friends...
I have it from a reliable source - EK experiences over 65% divorce rate among pilots...
My aviation brother... This job and lifestyle takes a toll on us as well as our families. Rostering does their part for "the Company" - clearly not us. Take back control of your life before this issue gets out of control...
I've had 3 families. I fought for my last one - still have them. I'd still fight for them - even when - the most significant negative life event (as current psychologists refer to it) - adultery - happens to you OR because of you.

Personally, EK Flight Management are real people too - I take my hat off to them - I kept Fleet up-to-date (weekly)- I was OFF for 3 months. Shrink was shocked when I told him I had enough of the psycho-babel and either I was going back to work at EK or I was moving out of Dubai. That time of my life was a living-hell... and after living nearly 60 years on this planet - I've seen a lot...
If the worst thing happens and you both finally decide to throw-in the towel and go your separate ways - for what ever reasons... Be gentle... Be kind but firm... Divorce here is not so bad - pretty straight forward. But most important sort out what/how/why for the children... I grew up - multiple divorces and raised myself in spite of becoming an "afterthought."
Remember aviation is a choice for what may be 40 years if you're lucky... Your children are for a lifetime.

[xbleedstart]

Thank you all.
By far the best post for a very long time.
All the best to all that are going through tough times....

Hang in there......

[Wandererswaypoint]

GetBusy you can PM me if you need an ear to listen to and we can exchange numbers.

My wife left me after being together for 9 years, just 3 months ago. Never saw it coming, had no clue. I still have nightmares about it. The company, family, friends were all supportive.

I feel for you and if you just want to talk let me know.

Your Friend

[Schnowzer]

I have it from a reliable source - EK experiences over 65% divorce rate among pilots.. :confused:

[falconeasydriver]

I have it from a reliable source - EK experiences over 65% divorce rate among pilots...

I have from an EVEN more reliable source that EK pilots suffer a 100% mortality rate....no one survives, they all die!

[Wandererswaypoint]

I have it from a realible source the amount is 80%-90% amoungst western crew.

[Schnowzer]

Oh no, I'd better tell all my batch mates to get divorced quick so the sources aren't found to be talking rubbish!

[JAARule]

I'd better tell all my batch mates

"Batch mates"?? Are you cabin crew or a pilot???

[Schnowzer]

Are you a pedant or just a d?ck?

[Am NOT Sure]

Batch mates for cabin crew

Inmates for pilots ?