PDA

View Full Version : Car Rituals


OFSO
25th Jun 2014, 15:28
Elsewhere there's a thread about why an EMC in a Peugeot is so expensive. And a complaint about cars being so damned complicated.

Last week both front windows on my Mondeo wouldn't respond to the "close on a single push of the button" but required several pushes. Handbook says this is the anti-trap system needs resetting (why ? I hadn't trapped anything) and to do this close window fully, wait a few seconds, hold close switch in "close" position for a few seconds. Repeat if necessary, if it doesn't reset take car to dealer.

It didn't work. Then I remember that on my previous car, a Galaxy, the reset was hold window close switch in "close" position and turn ignition on and off three times.

Bingo ! It worked.

What next ? Draw a pentacle in salt on the floor, light candles at the points and valleys, and stand in it, stark naked, on a night of the full moon, chanting "close you bloody windows, close" ?

Capetonian
25th Jun 2014, 15:35
Similar BS on a Saab. The driver's window only closes fully when the car is moving. Once stationary, or moving very slowly, it goes up to the top and then partially down so it is about 25% open. So you have to close it whilst moving, or hold the lock button whilst pulling up the closing switch, a little difficult with one hand.

The 'fix' I found on the internet is similar to mentioned by OFSO, turning ignition off and on whilst holding button at full moon, walk round the car with a sheep's collar bone and a cat's whisker in a ceramic, offer a prayer to the great Satan ...........

What happened to handles that you turned to raise and lower windows? What happened to radios with push buttons that clicked and knobs that turned, instead of electrickery stuff?

Dushan
25th Jun 2014, 15:35
close window fully, wait a few seconds, hold close switch in "close" position for a few seconds. Repeat if necessary, if it doesn't reset take car to dealer.


After closing all the windows you should re-boot the car. This according to Microsoft.

Cue "get a Mac, it just works" chorus...

ShyTorque
25th Jun 2014, 15:43
The ritual to cure my wife's Citroen's failed rear wash/wipe (eventually, after paying garage labour to eliminate all other possible causes) was to buy a new "body computer" at a cost of over £500 and walk around slapping my forehead and uttering severe oaths when I saw the bill for fitting it.... :mad:

She no longer has that Citroen but some other poor sod does...

OFSO
25th Jun 2014, 15:46
This according to Microsoft.

Who having just bought Nokia have introduced a new phone - using an Android OS. Aha ! Macs are for smoothies.....

Incidently this morning I received a call in my car via my smartphone paired with bluetooth to the car. Went perfectly. Looked up the necessary info (no, don't do this while driving), went to call the originator back.

Car says "there is currently no phone paired with this car." Shouted "yes there is you damned car, I just received a call...." Car says "No, there is currently no phone paired with this car".

"Well, what is this block of plastic which says "Paired with Ford audio on the screen" ?

As the Japanese say, BORROCKS !

zarniwoop
25th Jun 2014, 16:23
Boss used to have a Renault Laguna, the car didn't have a traditional ignition switch but had a plastic 'card' that had to be inserted into a slot on the dashboard and a push button to start the engine.

He went to go home one evening and the car wouldn't start, no obvious signs of problems (flat battery, broken starter motor etc.), so called the breakdown company who fortunately turned up within five minutes. Bloke gets in, puts foot on clutch and pushes button, lo and behold engine starts.

For some reason Renault decided that this was a good idea though boss has no idea why he had never needed to depress the clutch to start the engine in the ten years he had owned the car.

Shaggy Sheep Driver
25th Jun 2014, 16:27
Peugeot, Citroen, Renault..... there's a theme here n'est ce pas?

DevX
25th Jun 2014, 16:30
I see a common theme developing here: French cars and Ford cars! :E

vulcanised
25th Jun 2014, 16:33
This thread reminds me of one of life's little mysteries....

The rear screen wiper on my Mondeo (2000) works perfectly and parks itself horizontally, as it should. Except when the car comes back from MOT, when it self parks at 45ļ for a couple of weeks, then returns to normal. This has happened every year for five years.

I don't know why it does it, or why it stops :confused:

RedhillPhil
25th Jun 2014, 16:49
Similar BS on a Saab. The driver's window only closes fully when the car is moving. Once stationary, or moving very slowly, it goes up to the top and then partially down so it is about 25% open. So you have to close it whilst moving, or hold the lock button whilst pulling up the closing switch, a little difficult with one hand.

The 'fix' I found on the internet is similar to mentioned by OFSO, turning ignition off and on whilst holding button at full moon, walk round the car with a sheep's collar bone and a cat's whisker in a ceramic, offer a prayer to the great Satan ...........

What happened to handles that you turned to raise and lower windows? What happened to radios with push buttons that clicked and knobs that turned, instead of electrickery stuff?


In the case of SaaB it was General Motors. No such complicated buffoonery with my 1992 classic 900 convertible.

ian16th
25th Jun 2014, 16:53
Routine to be followed after replacing the battery in the remote control for my Mazda6

Option 1


Step 1: Open drivers door and leave open.

Step 2: Lock and unlock the driverís door using the power door lock switch on the door.

Step 3: Insert key into the ignition.

Step 4: Turn key to on position and return to off position. (IMPORTANT - use ON position NOT THE ACC position). Do this 3 times within 10 seconds. Leave key in the ignition.

Step 5: Open and close the driverís door 3 times. (Door should be left open after this step).

Step 6: ECU should respond by locking and unlocking the doors.

Step 7: Press any button on remote #1 twice. ECU responds by locking and unlocking the car doors.

Step 8: Press any button on remote #2 (etc.) twice. Each time the ECU will respond by locking & unlocking the doors.

Step 9: Remove the key from the ignition and the ECU will respond a final time with a series of door locks and unlocks. You're done!

Option 2


Have all the remotes that you are going to be using, maximum of 3, with you when you do this programming as all of them have to be reprogrammed into memory.

Step 1. Open driver side door and leave open.

Step 2. Lock and Unlock the driverís door using the power door lock switch on the door

Step 3. Insert key into the ignition.

Step 4. Turn Key to ON position and return to Lock (off) position. Do this 3 times within 10 seconds. LEAVE key in the ignition in Lock (off) position.

Step 5. Close and open the driverís door 3 times. Leave door open after this step

Step 6. ECU should respond by locking and unlocking the doors once.

Step 7. Press any button on remote #1 twice. ECU responds by locking and unlocking the car doors.

Additional remotes, repeat Step 7 for up to 3 remotes total.

Remove the key from the ignition and the ECU will respond a final time with a series (about 4) of door locks and unlocks. You're done!

:ugh::ugh::ugh:

John Hill
25th Jun 2014, 20:25
Australian Ford.

Use remote to unlock doors...

Buckle seat belts and notice the doors have relocked..... which is not usual.

Put key in ignition and try to start.....nothing happens!

Explanation, the interior festoon light has blown. Because the door was unlocked with the remote the 'computer' monitored the current in the interior light circuit to detect the door being opened. No entry detected so it relocked the doors and disabled the ignition.

OFSO
25th Jun 2014, 20:36
Hey, c'mon guys I am NOT knocking my Ford. A great car. My next car will also be a Ford. But it just reminds me of being in a relationship like...now, what is that word I'm looking for....maybe two words......being married !

gingernut
25th Jun 2014, 21:25
Automatic back door mechanism (Tail Gate) on me' Honda Accord has stopped working. Have to open it from the inside now, not ideal for a fat knacker.

Tried the equivalent of what our IT department do at work, disconnected and reconnected the battery, but still no joy. Apparently the dedicated ecu is around £450. (Checked the fuse and that's ok).

:-(

flying lid
25th Jun 2014, 21:38
The FORD is my motor
I shall not want, another.
It maketh me to lie down in strange places.
It anointeth my head with oil.
It carries me beside the still waters.
It empties my wallet, continuously.
It leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yeah, though I drive through the valley of the shadow of death, (M62 Eastbound, Manchester to Leeds) I will fear no evil; for You are with me;
Your piston rods and Your gear change staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a head gasket failure before me in the presence of my enemies.
Your radiator boileth over.
Surely rust and depreciation shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in this tin can, the FORD, forever

Amen

gingernut
25th Jun 2014, 21:43
A few from the NW Rally in Blackpool last ? October Rally Nw by DMHotchin: Art, Design & Photography | Redbubble (http://www.redbubble.com/people/dmhotchin/portfolio/rally+nw%20rally?ref=portfolio_tag_refinement)

500N
25th Jun 2014, 21:48
Why do they make a car that cut out when in neutral and the clutch released ?

I can think of plenty of times when putting a car in Neutral and releasing the clutch so it idles while stationary is useful.
In fact, at least 5 - 10 different scenarios.


Bloody stupid if you ask me.

Like when they decided they wanted to be good boys and took out Ashtrays and Cigarette lighters from cars.
Big Oooops, car sales dropped and when they realised why, they quickly replaced them as standard spec.
Someone did not think that one through very far at all.

Do you still have Cigarette Lighters and Ashtrays in cars in the UK ?

Espada III
25th Jun 2014, 22:07
Do you still have Cigarette Lighters and Ashtrays in cars in the UK ?

No lighters but 12v sockets are still there. No ashtrays either.

500N
25th Jun 2014, 22:21
Interesting.

They actually call it a 12v accessory plug now.

My car has no ashtray, it's a real PITA, not because I am a smoker
but because I use it for other things.

Nervous SLF
25th Jun 2014, 22:29
Toyota will sell a cup thing that fits in one of the storage bin holes and said cup can be used as an ashtray.

500N
25th Jun 2014, 22:31
Yes, that is what I ended up purchasing.

ian16th
26th Jun 2014, 10:01
They actually call it a 12v accessory plug now.

My car has no ashtray, it's a real PITA, not because I am a smoker
but because I use it for other things. In this southern colony, an extra socket in the boot is a popular add on.

There is a significant market for 'camping fridges' that consume 12v DC or 240v AC.

Cooler Boxes and Refrigeration | Makro Online (http://www.makro.co.za/sports-and-outdoor/cooler-boxes-and-refrigeration-SED)

onetrack
26th Jun 2014, 10:12
Instructions for programming a Toyota transponder key.

Prerequisites:
Blank transponder key (eBay.com - $20).
Pre-programmed master "black" key for the vehicle.


Programming spare keys: for 1998 to 2002 -

1. Copy the cuts of the original working key onto the appropriate transponder blank.

2. Enter the car and close all of the doors.

3. Simultaneously depress and release both the brake and accelerator pedals.

4. Within five seconds, insert a working pre-programmed key into the ignition cylinder, and turn to the "on" position.

5. Within fifteen seconds of turning the ignition, depress and release the accelerator pedal five times for a primary key. (Depress and release four times for a valet key.)

6. Within twenty seconds, depress and release the brake pedal six times for a primary key. (Depress and release only five times for a valet key.)

7. Turn the ignition to the "off" position and immediately remove the key.

8. Within ten seconds of removing the key, insert the new key, and turn it to the "on" position.

9. Within ten seconds, depress and release the accelerator pedal once. The security light will then flash for 60 seconds and then turn off. When the security light stops flashing the programming should be complete.

10. Start the vehicle to verify that programming was successful.

For 2002+ models -

1. Make sure all doors and windows are closed.
2. Insert master key into the ignition cylinder.
3. Cycle the ignition cylinder from ON to OFF 5 times.
4. Open and close the driver side door 6 times.
5. Remove the master key and insert the new duplicate key.
6. DO NOT TURN THE IGNITION CYLINDER ON.
7. The new key will be registered after 60 seconds.The THEFT light on the
dashboard will go out, indicating that programming has been completed.


Somewhere, I think they forgot the incantations, and the precise type of incense required.
I wouldn't be surprised if some kind of animal sacrifice is required as well. :suspect:

OFSO
26th Jun 2014, 10:30
Do you still have Cigarette Lighters and Ashtrays in cars in the UK ?

Every Ford I've owned has one 12v socket in the front and one in the luggage compartment or by the rear seats.

Ashtrays also but I take 'em out and throw 'em away as the space is useful for things, and sometimes for Things.

OFSO
26th Jun 2014, 10:31
I wouldn't be surprised if some kind of animal sacrifice is required as well.

Used to be a human virgin but in Newcastle (UK) for obvious reasons they had to change that to an animal.

ian16th
26th Jun 2014, 10:47
Used to be a human virgin but in Newcastle (UK) for obvious reasons they had to change that to an animal.

........and here's me thinking that The Animals were a bunch of geordie fella's! :ok:

I know, I'm showing my age; hat, coat, close door on way out.

cockney steve
26th Jun 2014, 13:38
I lost the only key to a BMW 5-series.....Only from main stealer....only supplied with proof of identity, logbook in same nameetc.
This, for a banger worth less than a thousand and 15 years old.....
Complained bitterly to BMW UK who, after bullcrapping about "police requirement" admitted it was a voluntary code of practice only and their appointed stealers could use discretion......forgot to mention, a remote key, programmed to car,£156.....a basic valet key, £38.....now I have that, a photographof it can be sent, with the immobiliser-brain, to an independent, who will supply, cut from the photo, and code a full remote key for £56 inc. postage......I really don't like being a55 -raped.

The car is allowed a maximumof 10 keys in it's lifetime, after that, ....new door lock(driver's door only, has one) boot floor and glovebox locks, ignition lock, transponder to ignition lock, immobiliser brain, main computer brain.......about 2 grand I reckon.....will never ever buy another Beemer

radeng
26th Jun 2014, 14:01
It is a simple rule that the more parts there are, the shorter the MTBF (Mean Time Between Failures) unless the parts become more reliable. Mechanical parts get changed at regular intervals - e.g. cam belts - while others wear out - windscreen wipers. But the electronic parts? Built down to a price, and operating in what can be considered a harsher environment than an electronics bay in an aircraft, with much cheaper plugs and sockets (well known components for producing reliability problems), we expect the electronics to go on for years. Then the manufacturers, having produced the 'Least Replaceable Unit' can charge a small fortune for a spare and make a nice profit on it, thank you.

Even worse when the device uses some 'special to type' application specific integrated circuit that isn't made anymore.....so the LRU has to be redesigned and charged for at an even higher price......

When you want reliability over many years, it has to be paid for. A quartz crystal for use in a pacemaker is typically $15 in 50,000 quantity: for commercial use, it's about 40c. Yet the pressure is on reduce pacemaker costs further: currently around the $500 to $1500 region depending on model, attributes etc. Cost of fitting it, however, is of the order of Ä30,000...

Trust electronics? After 50 years in the industry, sorry, no!

onetrack
26th Jun 2014, 14:03
Steve - Could be worse. You could own a Toyota Landcruiser. You get one Master key and one Valet key. Lose the Master key and they can't be replaced. The Master key has an embedded chip that is coded to the immobiliser/security system ECU. You can't just buy another chipped key. You have to buy a whole new ignition lock with new key, a new immobiliser/security system ECU and wiring harness, and pull out most of the dashboard to replace it all. Cost? Somewhere around AU$2000. :{