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AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 18:41
In my own case, no fecker.

One often hears about how decent a chap was because of all the folk who turned out when he popped orff.

I'd rather not annoy and upset everyone by making them stand and greet as I get planted.

Let's face it, it could get emotional for all present, apart from the OP.

I'd rather just move along quietly.

Any thoughts, fellow ppruners?

( in memorium to 411A, Binos et al):uhoh:

Solid Rust Twotter
2nd Jun 2014, 18:56
If they can find the body they can use it to catch lobsters for all I care.

MOSTAFA
2nd Jun 2014, 18:58
I'd kinda like my son aged 100 to be there.

TheChitterneFlyer
2nd Jun 2014, 18:58
As long as my ex-wife doesn't show up I couldn't give a monkey's toss!

AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 18:58
So, anonymous lobsters in your case, twotter??

Seems appropriate .:)

AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 19:00
Chittterne.
I love a man who can come straight to the point.

There's value right there.

(Edit to add...but you married her! ) fascinating.

500N
2nd Jun 2014, 19:02
I couldn't give a toss who turns up.

As long as they don't drag it on too long for the sake of those that do turn up !

And have a drink afterwards !

AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 19:06
Life's short, is it not?

onemac
2nd Jun 2014, 19:08
I'm with the OP - not having one, just the basics to get me into a small tub. Will save the wife a fortune. Going to have a wake though - will cost the wife a fortune :p

Al

Rosevidney1
2nd Jun 2014, 19:10
But funerals are all about wills and lawyers (or the bank if you have been unwise enough to nominate one to be your executor) - and don't forget the fees charged by doctors before they issue the amusingly named Death Certificate and of course the undertakers etc. Next of kin would (should?) be a bit upset and I don't see why anyone other than close friends ought to be present. If the local press has an obituary then the likelihood of a burglary occurring is increased. The whole thing is a primitive ritual hangover from the days when 'the church' dominated our daily lives. Personally as I have land I intend to buried in a corner of the orchard.

AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 19:10
Hey 500N

I'd quite like you to turn up.

And my beautiful flying instructor, Margaret, from AST.....

But there's still time......I hope.

The clock is running on us all, and it's later than you think.

500N
2nd Jun 2014, 19:15
Rose

"Personally as I have land I intend to buried in a corner of the orchard."

If you are in Penzance, Cornwall, lovely place :ok:


Atom
No worries :ok:

Boudreaux Bob
2nd Jun 2014, 19:22
I have tasked my NOK to commit an Act of Civil Disobedience by scattering my Ashes at "The Angle" at Gettysburg Battlefield. That is where my Kinfolk breached Yankee Lines on the Third Day of the Battle.

I cannot think of a more hallowed place than that and it will drive future Archeologists crazy trying to figure out the dental work!

AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 19:25
500.
Lovely.
In my own case, the worst thing I can imagine is planting my parents.
Luckily, Dems both still tickin.

I don't dread my own demise one bit. I'm a pilot, and have been quite tough minded all my days. When the end comes, hopefully, I'll be glad to see it.

Funny to think about it though.

Everything you've done brought to nought.
All the things you've seen, all the stuff you've done.
All the places you left, not knowing you'd never be back as you left.

But still.

Plenty to do meantime.....

Never been happier!

AtomKraft
2nd Jun 2014, 19:34
My plane spotting logbook- immediately rendered useless.

All those hours of underlining- for nothing.

A metaphor, perhaps, for every single thing we do?

TomJoad
2nd Jun 2014, 19:56
I'd rather not be at mine!

gingernut
2nd Jun 2014, 21:03
Jet Blast !

Saintsman
2nd Jun 2014, 21:15
When my father-in -law died, I went with the MIL to the funeral directors. Very sympathetic but all the time adding on to the bill - would you like brass handles on the coffin, flowers, an organist etc. etc., just when she's not in the best of minds. Bastards.

I've told my missus I want it done as cheap as possible. A plastic bag or cardboard box is fine for me. Spend the money on a piss-up instead.

And I definitely would like people to want to be there and not feel they have to (not many then...).

Fox3WheresMyBanana
2nd Jun 2014, 21:16
No funeral - just a memorial. I want my body donating to medical science, including use for medical student pranks in Rag Week ("Can I give you a hand?")

I hope it's a damn good wake! There will be a free bar.

tony draper
2nd Jun 2014, 21:22
A decided lack of ambition being shown here,what's wrong with 500 of your slaves 200, of your favorite wives and 1000 defeated enemies all in chains and all put to the sword and flung into your tomb after you.
:)

vulcanised
2nd Jun 2014, 21:29
Tony Blair and a suicide bomber.

G-CPTN
2nd Jun 2014, 21:39
I don't want any funeral service (for me) other than what might be necessary (if anything) such as the committal at the crematorium.

I don't expect that there would be anyone other than the two of you (and maybe your partners - though not necessarily).
Your Grandad's funeral service was a farce as he (Grandad) wasn't a churchgoer and the vicar had absolutely no idea who he was and his address was therefore insincere. He even used Grandad's wrong first name.
The current vicar doesn't know me - he's just arrived . . .
Ideally, I would like my ashes to be scattered off a remote Scottish headland cliff where I can watch gannets diving for fish but I realise that could be impractical, especially as I cannot recall the precise location where I had the idea (I think it was the high ground north of Culkein, just south of the Point of Stoer north of Clashnessie, Lochinver).

so, scattered in the old house garden would be equally acceptable, perhaps where the bonfire used to be would seem appropriate where I can see the house and also the orchard . . .
I'm sure that the new owners would agree to this, if not then you could probably creep in undetected sometime at night. Please note NOT buried in a box . . .

Maybe half and half? You could take a trip up to Scotland (in due time) as part of a 'farewell holiday' - financed by my residue of course. It's a stunning part of the World.

jimtherev
2nd Jun 2014, 22:06
I agree with a lot that's been said above - rip-off, etc, but it's very easy to miss the point.
Whether or not you agree with "the religious bit" - any religion btw - a major reason for a funeral is to help people say goodbye... draw a line... turn a page... get on with their lives / whatever. Many - perhaps most - people need some sort of ceremony, and it's up to religious professionals ( or whoever) to help them with this.
I actually don't give a toss who, if anyone, comes to my funeral. I believe I'll be occupied elsewhere! But perhaps those who love me might want one, if only to be reassured that the old sod's under the sod.

Hydromet
2nd Jun 2014, 22:29
Only my immediate descendants, as I intend to outlive all my friends.:rolleyes:

I've instructed that my ashes be tossed in a river where I worked for many years.

West Coast
2nd Jun 2014, 22:40
The 22 year old big boobed blond that after climbing on top of me gave me the heart attack that send me into the big dirt nap.

cavortingcheetah
2nd Jun 2014, 22:42
Speaking of old sods....this guy surrounded in Hell Fire.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/06/02/article-0-156FBA58000005DC-578_306x515.jpg

G-CPTN
2nd Jun 2014, 23:34
a major reason for a funeral is to help people say goodbye... draw a line... turn a page... Good point.

I have recently attended three funerals, two of ex-workmates that I respected and one of a newspaper reporter turned editor that I knew from his early days as a reporter (and who married the daughter of a neighbour).

I certainly wanted to attend (even though I received no invitations - and two required a round of 600 miles) and, as suggested, I feel closure of the friendships - and I can carry on knowing that they have gone (but are not forgotten by me).

Then we come to the loss of a friend made through a forum such as this - an acquaintance that developed from purely group email contact to meeting up with others and, whenever I travelled past his location (200 miles distant) - which I did on visits to my grandchildren maybe three times a year - I would call on him.
He lived alone, was an invalid (from polio as a child in the 1940s) and, latterly, he had become housebound after falling downstairs and breaking his good leg very badly and he became wheelchair-bound.

My last visit to see him brought no response, and, enquiring of a neighbour I discovered that he had been taken to hospital six weeks previously and had not returned - he had died.

I have no way of contacting his surviving nephew (his only remaining relative - he had looked after his mother after his father was killed during WWII - indeed the connection we shared was aviation as he had followed the memory of his father from the RAF) and, apart from the other members of the forum (and his daily carers who visited him to wash and dress and feed him and then put him to bed downstairs in his living room) he had no other 'friends' or family.

As jim has said, I feel that there is unfinished business between us as I wasn't able to meet up with those (however few) who would have been at his funeral so that I could share some anecdotes about him with them.

The newspaper reporter/editor's wife and I had five minutes chat, and, indeed I met her again in town a couple of weeks ago - only the second time we've met in 50 years - she remembered me of course (we went to the same Sunday School and youthclub) and we were able to chat about things other than the loss of her 80 year old husband - such as my sister and her husband - the two girls were Sunday School teachers together.

With the reporter/editor I have had closure, but not with the loss of my friend from (another) aviation forum.

A couple of years ago I attended the funeral of the mother of a local friend. We had got to know each other through the friend and the vicar gave an address saying that whether you were a believer or not, his suggestion was that 'heaven' was the memories by the survivors of the departed.
As long as the departed remained in the memories of those remaining, then the departed person was 'in heaven'.
I know that this is true of my grandfather who died when I was just seven years old. I have modelled myself on him, following him into vehicle engineering (I originally wanted to be a naval pilot as he served in the RNAS during WWI until I realised that I couldn't come home at weekends to see my friends) but, after WWI, he became a motoring pioneer and entrepreneur building up a successful business selling vehicles and running trucks and coaches as well as a maintenance garage - so I went to work for a vehicle manufacturer and became a vehicle test and design engineer - working with the bus companies in Hong Kong and Singapore as well as European and Scandinavian truck manufacturers.

I'm sorry that this has become so long, but the gist of it is as jim has suggested, the funeral clearly isn't just for the departed and the next of kin, but it presents an opportunity for the friends and acquaintances to purge their souls.

Good one, jim !

A view of my (heavenly) grandfather's fleet in 1924:-

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c19/GroupCaptain/Fleetparkedonsiteofgarage1924.jpg

It later grew to a building covering the area shown and afleet of coaches providing tours to the Yorkshire coast (and Blackpool) for aged miners and families.

Boudreaux Bob
2nd Jun 2014, 23:43
Given the opportunity I shall attend my own Wake.

Given my views on Life it should be a really big noisy Piss Up, with some broken windows, smashed furniture, a small fire or two, torn dresses, and a few black eyes and bloody noses.

Mostly on others I hope!

What the Heck....it won't be like I could be in the Nick very long if the Plod pinched me!

Keef
3rd Jun 2014, 00:00
Wot jim said - well, we would, wouldn't we?
The funeral isn't for the departed. That bit could be done in private.

Fareastdriver
3rd Jun 2014, 00:53
The worst thing about my departing is that the wife is going to use my money to buy drinks for all her relatives.

A right bunch of freeloaders.

Buster Hyman
3rd Jun 2014, 02:10
Retired Scots Guardsmen.

My uncle, who was in the Scots Guards, packed a little church with them & when they sang the hymns...oh boy...:ok:

onetrack
3rd Jun 2014, 02:56
Who would you want at your funeral?

Does it really make any difference? You're not there to greet any of them, so what does it matter?? :confused:

There's a very large Catholic church in my street and I always become rather thoughtful whenever I pass by, and see a funeral taking place.
I often wonder whether the person was a VIP of great renown - or just some anonymous person who lived their life out in relative obscurity.
You couldn't tell with any certainty, by the size of the crowd, or by the type of people attending.

I can recall in both my parents case, the number of mourners was just a handful of family, because they had both outlived nearly all their friends and associates - and the few left, were too feeble to attend, anyway.

In my case, I'm not in the least concerned about the numbers at, or the size of my funeral.
I fully expect it will be a small one, because way too many people are more concerned about making money, and will put work and wealth increase, in front of going to a funeral.

I think I've thought more about what to put on my headstone than anything else. A substantial warning to passers-by, would be my style. :E

mikedreamer787
3rd Jun 2014, 03:33
Like onetrack's post above who cares?

For me - a short service then dump me
in the dirt. I won't be around to worry
about any changes in arrangements as
I'll be busy chatting up the devil's wife.

PLovett
3rd Jun 2014, 06:41
Don't want a funeral or any service of any kind. Others who may have attended anything of that like are excused. They can a major reason for a funeral is to help people say goodbye... draw a line... turn a page... get on with their lives / whatever in their own time. Nor do I want any bloody plaque/memoriam headstone or any other such rubbish.

I would like to be cremated, preferably in a cardboard carton - don't waste perfectly good timber on me please - and the ashes scattered in a place to be nominated with no one else present other than the scatteree, obviously. I intend to discuss this with a funeral director and pay the absolute minimum to have this achieved in advance. If any argument about increased costs they can consider the interest they should have received by the pre-payment.

Mr Optimistic
3rd Jun 2014, 06:46
Nothing fancy. I would like all my friends to get together and bring me back to life (thanks Don).

Capetonian
3rd Jun 2014, 06:52
I can think of some whose funerals I would like to be at so I could voice my views about them and deposit appropriate waste substances on their grave.

Alloa Akbar
3rd Jun 2014, 08:05
I just want my other half and my kids to take me home, scatter my ashes at the top of Ben Cleuch in the Ochil Hills.

Exascot
3rd Jun 2014, 08:23
The consensus of opinion seems to say that hardly anyone gives a stuff about their own funeral. I agree.

Mrs Exascot hates cremations and insists that I be buried. I would rather be cremated alive than buried alive. With the former you can't wake up :cool:

AtomKraft
3rd Jun 2014, 08:26
Personally, I intend to live on.

I view death as a transition from here to I know not where.

At least, that's what I'm hoping for.....:)

Just delighted to be here at all, and that's the really amazing thing, is it not?

troppo
3rd Jun 2014, 08:46
Lucifer :E
Cos he knows where all the bad girls are at and none of the exes will be there cos they were so perfect they will all go to heaven :}

SpringHeeledJack
3rd Jun 2014, 08:48
Life's short, is it not?

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think
Enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink
The years go by as quickly as you wink
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you thinků.

At a funeral of a really disliked deceased person in the west of Ireland, the whole village had filled the church due to their adherence to their faith and when the priest had finished his obligations he said "Would someone like to speak of the deceased ?" there was a nervous shuffling, but no-one wished to speak ill of the dead. The priest then implored "Surely there's someone who can say something nice about the deceased ?" Finally a taciturn villager spoke up, "Well, he was nicer than his brotherů.."


When my time comes and it's of my choice, then the idea of being frozen solid, vibrated until in particle form and then scattered in woodland to bring life sounds appealing. In this day and age of instant communications one would think that no-one will be forgotten, yet my instinct somehow tells me that the opposite awaits in the future.



SHJ

GANNET FAN
3rd Jun 2014, 09:09
I was at the funeral yesterday of a very good mate who succumbed to cancer and it was standing room only at the crematorium. I drank his share at the wake afterwards and not feeling great this morning.

Another chum passed on, cancer again, and he filled Winchester Cathedral!

Apart from rent-a-mob, highways and byways, I should be flattered to have even a few at my wake!

Ancient Mariner
3rd Jun 2014, 09:12
All my grandchildren, and hopefully my great grandchildren to come.
That would mean that they would have survived all the mad stuff I I've bestowed upon them. Free skiing, diving, bicycling (apparently very dangerous according to some on JB :E ), climbing, jumping of roofs, use of knives and what not.
Only a fractured skull, cuts and bruises and a few knife cuts so far. Knock on wood.
Per

AtomKraft
3rd Jun 2014, 10:02
Ancient.
Like your style.

I remember a well loved cat, Sam.

One day he went off, and we never saw him again. I liked his style too.

Ancient Mariner
3rd Jun 2014, 10:11
Atomkraft, thanks! I like cats, I consider being compared to one a compliment.
Per

Cacophonix
3rd Jun 2014, 10:14
I'd like to think that I can put off thoughts of my demise for a little longer but clearly if I did pop my clogs then anybody is welcome to come to my funeral but I'd prefer those who enjoy a bit of music and some good wine to come to the wake which I hope will be uproarious and a lot of fun (for Lord knows it will be my last chance to attend a party).


Caco

AtomKraft
3rd Jun 2014, 10:21
Ancient
Consider it as a compliment, for that is what it is. Cats have it right. Content, wicked and comfortable, yet dignity is not only retained, but shoved right in your face.

Cack.
Look forward to some good you tubes!

http://youtu.be/VQh8oh0rj3s

Cacophonix
3rd Jun 2014, 10:30
Look forward to some good you tubes!



You bet! :ok:

Caco

Keef
3rd Jun 2014, 11:09
I took the funeral of a very old, very senior army officer a few years ago. He was apparently the last one of his "group" to go. He'd been to all their funerals.

There were three of us at the funeral - his daughter, his son, and me.
Poor show from the MOD, I thought. But maybe that was what he wanted.

Ascend Charlie
3rd Jun 2014, 11:11
Life's short, is it not?

Well, it's the longest thing you will ever experience...:8

Fliegenmong
3rd Jun 2014, 11:27
Always thought Sinatra's "That's Life" would be an appropriate song at a funeral!:O

Mr Optimistic
3rd Jun 2014, 12:15
'Breathless' (You leave me.....) Jerry Lee Lewis

Curious Pax
3rd Jun 2014, 13:14
Turn out is often related to 3 things I reckon:
How old the deceased was (the older you are the less of your mates are around)
Size and location of family
Location of funeral relative to where you mostly lived.

My grandfather died at 91, so his friends were pretty much all gone or too infirm. Family were there, but we aren't a large family so think there were about 15 of us in total. A year or so before he died my father and uncle had had to move him into a home. As he was 100 miles away from my father and 50 miles away from my uncle he went into a home near my uncle to allow easy visiting (going back to the first point he hadn't many friends still living near to him). The funeral was at my uncle's local church, so given all the above the turnout was pretty small (15 of us plus a couple of people from the old peoples' home), but that was no reflection on him.

Not long after, my brother in law died. As he was only 52 he still had a wide circle of friends local to him, with the result it was standing room only.

I just hope that all my relatives younger than me (and hopefully a few older) are able to attend mine if they so wish, but that I don't shuffle off this mortal coil too young (whatever too young might mean in 40+ years time).

onetrack
3rd Jun 2014, 13:30
Just a small reminder pic, to keep it all in the proper perspective ... :)


http://oi61.tinypic.com/209k9ap.jpg

OFSO
3rd Jun 2014, 15:11
I have a lady staying with me who has three rules governing her life:

- Never hurt anyone if you can help it
- Preserve a certain amount of independence regarding other people
- Do what you want with no regrets or guilt

I admire her philosophy very much.

ShyTorque
3rd Jun 2014, 16:39
I recently attended a celebration of a friend's life, at a crematorium chapel. Other people might call it a funeral, but Geoff didn't want that. He held no religion, apart from being a nice bloke to everyone he met.

There were no clergy present, only friends. A close friend, who had met him when he became Geoff's advanced motorcycle instructor, conducted things. Instead of hymns, Geoff's favourite music was played and various photos of his life history were shown via flat screen TV.

His only relative, apart from his wife was his niece, who had been looked after in her youth like a daughter, read out her thoughts and happy memories, as did other close friends. A general invite was then given for anyone to stand and recount stories involving Geoff. Some stories were funny, some touching, but all of them showing how well he was thought of.

Meanwhile, Geoff was lying in a beautiful coffin made of what looked like rushes. He didn't say much, to be honest, but if he could have heard, he would have been pleased.

We all then went to the pub, had some sandwiches and a cup of tea. We looked at some memorabilia and had a jolly good chinwag; people had come from all over UK. We all then went our separate ways, having had a very sad yet also in some ways a happy day.

I'd go for the same, I think.

Lon More
3rd Jun 2014, 16:48
a substitute

sitigeltfel
3rd Jun 2014, 16:57
Some folks do it different.............:ooh:

wSIFjr_QXj8

Lonewolf_50
4th Jun 2014, 14:56
1) I would like the Rolling Stones to sing "Dead Flowers" at my funeral. I am pretty sure that they are already zombies, so I expect them to live and perform for many centuries to come.

2) I would like for as many of my wife's friends as are able to attend, since funerals are for the living.

3) I have already sent my younger brother a music list for songs to be played at the wake. He has in his possession a few cassette tapes I made years ago, which he is supposed to have already converted to mp3 format.

4) I have an account set up with a few dollars that my older brother has promised will be used to ensure that a few bottles of good scotch, some good wine, and a keg of beer arrive at the wake without my wife having to figure that stuff out.

Until then, will enjoy each sunrise as the blessing that it is.

Effluent Man
4th Jun 2014, 17:48
I just nearly spat out my coffee.Accessed Pprune and this thread had a mark on the screen that turned the "t" into a "k"!

oopspff7
4th Jun 2014, 23:55
I will be well impressed and pleased if I am at my own funeral.As will many other people.

MagnusP
5th Jun 2014, 09:52
I don't mind who's there, as long as they're playing Mahler's Resurrection Symphony and it works!

Mac the Knife
5th Jun 2014, 19:39
My MIL has vowed to bury me and in her mid-80's I think it's the one thing keeping her alive.

But I don't plan on a funeral, they can scatter my ashes wherever they like and I trust my mates to have a farewell piss-up.

Mac

:cool:

Cacophonix
5th Jun 2014, 22:22
Mac

You always struck me as far too sharp for this self indulgent stuff. Keep going and come to my funeral instead...

Sides SA need men like you. :ok:

Caco

gingernut
5th Jun 2014, 23:39
Dying matters... Dying Matters | (http://dyingmatters.org/)

Don't give it much thought, having (had) a good time, just give me loads of midazolam in the painful bit.

And lots of painillers, shall we discuss it in a few years ?

onetrack
6th Jun 2014, 00:57
Just as a slight thread drift, and in line with dying, I thought I'd mention the following.

In many cases of relatives and friends dying suddenly, it became a nightmare trying to sort out where important items were, and what the deceased wishes might have been.

Being a practical sort of bloke, I was delighted to find a little booklet in recent times that settles all those unanswered, and unanswerable, questions.
It's called "Please remember: A comprehensive guide to my passing wishes".

This little booklet contains all the comprehensive answers to the important things that relatives, beneficiaries, or executors of estates need to know, once it has been filled in.

It contains a wide-ranging list of important subjects, ranging from family history, next of kin, details of relationships and family members, estate information, funeral wishes, people to be notified in case of death, banking and computer information, title deed locations, share and investment information, assets list, insurance policies - in essence, everything one would need to know if a relative departed suddenly.

Unfortunately, the book appears to be out of print currently (possibly because a computerised and more easily updated list has superseded it).
However, even just drawing up a basic list on your computer, is probably enough to assist those left behind to deal with your wishes, your funeral and your estate.

Here is the only outline and description I can find of the booklet ...

CLAN - Care Leavers Australia Network - Please Remember: A Comprehensive Guide to My Passing Wishes (http://www.clan.org.au/resources-books-details.php?resourceID=2903)

V2-OMG!
6th Jun 2014, 06:51
AtomKraft wrote.... ( in memorium to 411A, Binos et al).

If one's account remains inactive after a certain amount of time, are the posts removed?

I was searching for some of 411A's posts, but could not find any. I was an armchair admirer of his footloose and fancy free lifestyle - flying his beloved L10-11 for some half-azzed company that was on the verge of bankruptcy. Someone posted a video of one of his last landings. I sure would like to see that again.

I believe he died doing what he loved.

onetrack
6th Jun 2014, 12:07
V2-OMG:I was searching for some of 411A's posts, but could not find anyGoogle will find stuff much faster and more thoroughly than any forum search engine.

https://www.google.com.au/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=411A

I couldn't tell you this forums policy on deleting posts of people who have passed on - but it's rare for it to happen on most forums.
Some of these people leave a lot of useful info on forums, so I see no reason to delete their posts. In some 21st century, technological way, it can be their epitaph. :)

Here's the link to 411A's posts.

http://www.pprune.org/search.php?searchid=2005759

Cacophonix
7th Jun 2014, 05:05
Some more funereal pointers...

At my funeral I hope for a little dignity spiced by gentle levity. A clever or funny eulogy, preferably by somebody that knew me enough to know about my foibles would be perfect...

I guess dying famous would help but lacking this attribute in my case, a little help from a witty chum might still stoke the guttering candle of my own importance and help steer this rickety craft down the Styx and into the blackness of true oblivion and general public unremark.

I guess nobody could outdo this perfectly pitched prose in the mourning of a friend...

Graham Chapman's funeral - YouTube


Nobody wants a claque nor the mass of orchestrated shirt rending weepers seen for example in places North Korea or Iran when somebody called Kim or the The Ayatollah dies. Still a couple of mysterious but good looking women discretely weeping might do the trick in the way a thousand ululating women wouldn't. Falling out the coffin would not be good but being found slumped dead in a chair at one's wake (as noted by Spike Milligan) might be.

Poems should be verboten unless read for comic effect. This poem is completely out... (or perhaps not)...

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

As for the rest, lots of alcohol and laughter wouldn't go amiss.

Caco

Ancient Observer
7th Jun 2014, 12:30
IF I should die, think only this of me; That there's some corner of a foreign field That is for ever England. There shall be In that rich earth a richer dust concealed; A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware, 5 Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam, A body of England's breathing English air, Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home. And think, this heart, all evil shed away, A pulse in the eternal mind, no less 10 Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given; Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day; And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness, In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

Takan Inchovit
7th Jun 2014, 21:00
If I'm still "fresh", an elite paramedic team would be quite welcome.

SawMan
8th Jun 2014, 02:08
As I hate sad events, I only attend funerals and weddings which I cannot avoid :eek:

I'd prefer everyone follow suit when I go. If you cared when I was alive and we were friends, that was enough. No point expressing anything when I'm gone, so don't waste your time- go do something fun instead!

OFSO
8th Jun 2014, 08:01
A slight TD but on the subject of funerals:

http://i656.photobucket.com/albums/uu287/ROBIN_100/20140605_142503_WEB_zps7fb9be0e.jpg

10Watt
8th Jun 2014, 08:25
is that a photo shop job ?

seems difficult to believe unless a traveller, who wouldn`t do that anyway.

Sea Sick Steve " l started out with nothing, and l still have most of it left"

would do for me.

dubbleyew eight
8th Jun 2014, 08:27
gees gingernut a bloody doctor thinks dieting hurts.

i didn't write dieting btw the pprune auto speller can't handle death :-)

your neural system is highly dependent on oxygen supply so it dies before the rest of you.
you don't feel a thing ginger.

in my own case, I'll be dead. it won't effing matter!

OFSO
8th Jun 2014, 09:14
You lot have given me a sleepless night (yes honest). I lay awake thinking last night, who will inherit my house, art collections, the Roller, stables, staff, mistresses* etc.

I know I won't be around, but don't want to be fretting on my deathbed with friends and family gathered around with yard-arm faces, as to which of the rapacious crowd will be plunging their greedy fingers into what is mine (and shortly, won't be any longer).


* Still some life left in a few of 'em.

dubbleyew eight
8th Jun 2014, 09:34
ofso leave your collection of nude paintings to me :E

chuks
8th Jun 2014, 09:43
That is an easy one, "Who would I want at my funeral?"

Some miracle preacher, of course! He comes in, leans over the open coffin, reels off a few verses from the KJV followed by "Praaaaaise Jeeeeezus!" and "He is risen!" whereupon the late deceased, me, does a Lazarus, to go on living happily ever after.

Of course this could get a bit awkward, me carrying an organ donor card and all. Say, Mac, how does that work in case of resurrection? Can I claim my heart and kidneys back?

Capn Notarious
8th Jun 2014, 16:25
Who would you want at your funeral.
The great horned one to rise out of the floor and berate the attendees.

"If you lot had been kinder and not worried him: we could all be in the pub and not here".

11Fan
8th Jun 2014, 17:01
Amazing tradition that they throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't be there. :hmm:

ruddman
9th Jun 2014, 00:45
I'd just be happy for a guy with a shovel at my funeral.

Vercingetorix
9th Jun 2014, 01:38
All my wives :ok:

ruddman
9th Jun 2014, 03:32
Any of them hot? I might attend yours too. :cool:

mikedreamer787
9th Jun 2014, 04:41
The funeral I'd like -

a) 21 gun salute
b) Missing Man formation flyby by my airline
c) All ex-GFs and the ex-missus
d) Constant wailing and crying by those above (c)
e) Worrals and Probes dressed in black. Sobbing.
f) Large tombstone with a long poetic epitaph
g) Two huge statues of angels weeping, one either side of said tombstone
h) Huge wake lasting a week.

The funeral I'll get -

a) The ex-missus attending and a few drunk mates
b) The odd tear from some of the mates maybe
c) Small tombstone with my name, birthday and obit day
d) Small wake consisting of a few beers lasting 20 mins.

Vercingetorix
9th Jun 2014, 05:46
ruddman
Yep, hot to trot in all cases.:ok:

BOING
9th Jun 2014, 06:02
I told my daughter I wanted a Viking Burial.
Unfortunately, apparently the local Environmental people do not like that sort of thing but the main problem is that, in this part of the World, most of the year the wind blows on-shore. Darn.

As it is I will settle for a big bonfire and a cardboard box but there are probably rules against that as well.

Fable:
A man who was afraid of dying visited a wise-man and said "Wise man, what is dying really like?"
The Wise-man said "You should know already, you experience it every night".
Hah! said the man, you must mean sleep.
No said the Wise-man, I mean the Dawn.

OFSO
9th Jun 2014, 07:35
I'd like my favourite mount led to the graveside by one of the grooms, and there encouraged to use a front hoof to pull a few grains of soil over my solid oak coffin. Of course I'd prefer not to be inside the coffin but perched up a tree somewhere, noting which expressions of grief appeared genuine and which not, in order to enable me to re-write my Last W & T.

Hydromet
9th Jun 2014, 07:53
I'd like my favourite mount led to the graveside by one of the grooms
My favourite mount probably won't even be there, she'll be leading the stableboy astray.