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Dr Jekyll
31st May 2014, 11:33
Am I right in thinking that mothers as a breed have a problem realising that 'only trying to help' when you haven't been asked to help is actually called interfering?'

Or perhaps it's just my experience with mothers, mothers in laws, grandmothers, various combinations of the above.

Worrals in the wilds
31st May 2014, 11:55
Maybe it's a female thing.
That's a problem and this will help...
Well sure, but I still think this will help...
Well that won't help, but this would...
Well ohkay then. Do that, but it won't help. Why did you ask? :*:}

It may just be me, but from experience dealing with blokes, I've learned that sometimes blokes talk about stuff without wanting a proposed solution from the person they're talking to. They just want to talk about it and maybe get a reasurring 'yeah, that sucks' type response.

From experience dealing with women, they want a proposed solution. They may neither like nor adopt the solution, but they expect you to cough up with a Plan. Then the Plan is debated and either adopted, modified or dismissed. Giving the answer 'yeah, that sucks' is usually seen as lacking something. Rejecting the Plan without debate is seen as a bit off-hand (been there, been disinvited to the next ladies' lunch :ouch:). You don't have to agree with the Plan, but it's important to discuss it. Otherwise you're not only rejecting the Plan, but them, everything they ever believed in, their intelligence and their skills as a mother/MIL/grandmother.

Dunno, just my observation. I'm Aspergers (sorry, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, got to keep up with the DSM-this week) so learning to translate Human is a constant work in progress. :cool::}

cattletruck
31st May 2014, 12:52
Well Dr Jekyll, just show 'em your Mr Hyde side and they will quickly learn not to interfere with you ever again :E.

TomJoad
31st May 2014, 13:03
Definitely a female thing but with respect to a mother in particular I think there is something deeper going on. A mother will always see you as a child and will wan't to protect and nurture. I guess it's simply love - who would have it any other way. God bless mothers.

Tom

acbus1
31st May 2014, 13:37
It may just be me, but from experience dealing with blokes, I've learned that sometimes blokes talk about stuff without wanting a proposed solution from the person they're talking to.

From experience dealing with women, they want a proposed solution.
It may just be me but, nope, exactly the opposite.

They just want to talk about it and maybe get a reasurring 'yeah, that sucks' type response.
Nope again, although a suck never fails to cheer me up.

mad_jock
31st May 2014, 14:35
From experience dealing with women, they want a proposed solution.

Nope they have there own plan which may or may not break the laws of physics. Usually it does with anything mechanical.

The only reason why they want to talk about it is because with the resulting failure of said plan it will then become your fault that its failed because you agreed with it.

The other one that gets on my tits is being asked to fix things then hovering giving advice while you doing it.

This has led me to an advanced crm tactic of downing tools and telling her to bog off. And when chastised for being horrible and being told she's not talking to me saying "good that's what I wanted in the first place, its hardly a punishment"

So its actually a form of advanced risk management to transfer blame if it doesn't work.

Gertrude the Wombat
31st May 2014, 15:34
Definitely a female thing but with respect to a mother in particular I think theer is something deeper going on. A mother will always see you as a child and will wan't to protect and nurture. I guess it's simply love - who would have it any other way. God bless mothers.
Goes the other way in time - your children start behaving like your mother used to.

I was mending something on my bicycle the other day. Both lads, passing by separately, enquired as to what I was doing, thought about it, decided that the task I'd taken on was within their judgement of my capability and thus didn't need their involvement, nodded, and went about their business.

This is an improvement on a year or two ago when they'd have watched, told me I was doing it all wrong, and offered to do it for me! (For a fiver, probably.)

Fox3WheresMyBanana
31st May 2014, 16:01
With many years working in all girls' boarding schools (with a very high proportion of female staff), I find the following approach works.

"How can I help?" is the first question

If she wants a solution, she'll ask for it. If she doesn't ask, then she just wants someone to listen.

If she asks for a solution, explain the standard of finish and timescale. If possible, slightly understate the likely finish standard and slightly overestimate the timescale. Tell her not only the plan but how you'll do it. It can often help to do this to the point where her eyes glaze over - talk about tools. At this point, ask if that's OK; she will generally say "yes", and wander off and leave you alone. Once you know from experience how often she interrupts, then about 5 minutes before this ask for a cup of tea/whatever. The reason she keeps 'bothering' you is that she wants to feel useful. This is even more common with mothers (yours or others). Having got your tea, thank her, and start talking about tools/techniques again. "The glaze-over' will happen after about one minute this time. Finish tea, thank again, and you will be left undisturbed for another X minutes/hours. Repeat till completion.

No matter how well you clean up after the job, even to military inspection standards, it will always be unsatisfactory. So, only ever move the tools and do a rough clean, take a stretch - and get yourself a drink this time. She will naturally come and do the finish clean - doing the last bit gives her the feeling she has done the job. Praise her finish clean.

Has never failed.

I never offer advice to women or men (or girls or boys), unless it's asked for - because I've found advice is never listened to unless it's asked for. Most people, however, do offer unasked-for advice. I believe it is due to their own insecurities, as they are only effectively talking to themselves.

probes
31st May 2014, 18:14
Nope. Personality + being busy (=having a life) or not so much so.

Windy Militant
31st May 2014, 22:05
you will be left undisturbed for another X minutes/hours.

When I lived at home there were always green festering things that used to be cups of tea lurking in the garage. This was due to my mother not quite getting that when you are welding or grinding your concentration is on the job in hand and if you happen to be lying under the car at the time you will not hear anything but the noise of said job.
She also didn't seem to get if you were struggling with an engine block, or gear box you did not have a free hand to take hold of said tea she would try to push onto you, and there was no need to swear as she was only trying to help.
Mates at work would stick the tea on the bench and shout or if you were under the car kick your feet to let you know that tea was up. Yep it's definitely a mum thing, bless them.

11Fan
31st May 2014, 22:18
It may just be me but, nope, exactly the opposite.

It's not just you acbus1.

Hydromet
31st May 2014, 22:35
The other one that gets on my tits is being asked to fix things then hovering giving advice while you doing it. Are you married to my wife too?

Fox3WheresMyBanana
31st May 2014, 22:49
Windy - exactly, so ask for tea at a suitable time before you are given it at an unsuitable time - because you are certainly going to get tea!

Fortunately, my mother was blessed with a perfectly capable and strong-willed father, and has perfectly capable and strong-willed sons. She brings tea only when requested, and we play the game by asking often enough.

ExSp33db1rd
1st Jun 2014, 03:15
...........being asked to fix things then hovering giving advice while you doing it.

Exactly, that's in the list of Rules for Women that occasionally rears its head on JB. i.e Tell us what you want us to do, NOT how to do it.

svhar
1st Jun 2014, 04:02
My mother always has had her nose in everything I do. What woman I should be with, what house I should buy and etc. I am in my fifties and she never stops. Good grief that she never was in the position to decide how much fuel I needed before each flight. A captain of a plane worth millons of dollars, still a woman approaching 80 knows everything better.

Capetonian
1st Jun 2014, 04:32
My mother used to tell me when I was about 15 that 'the only way you'll meet decent girls is to join the tennis club'. At that age I wasn't interested in girls, but a couple of years later when I was, I decided I didn't want to meet decent well-bred girls at the tennis club, I wanted to meet sluts. She couldn't give me any advice on that. She was able to criticise every girl I went out with though, even if she hadn't met them!

ChrisVJ
1st Jun 2014, 06:21
Mrs VJ, who is the mother of six fine offspring, has the unerring knack of appearing with a cup of tea at exactly that "Oh F*ck" moment. I got used to it.

In recent years monitoring her kids from her iphone has proven a useful distraction so things have been a little (very little) better.

probes
1st Jun 2014, 21:04
Good grief that she never was in the position to decide how much fuel I needed before each flight.
:D - well, just imagine the captain picking the phone: "Ok, Mom, so..."

ShyTorque
1st Jun 2014, 21:23
Cherish your old Mum because before you know it, she's gone. Mine died twelve years ago to the day this thread was started.

Aged a young at heart 68, by the time her doctors realised they'd made a misdiagnosis, it was too late. She lived only a very few more weeks. A terrible time for all of us.

mad_jock
1st Jun 2014, 21:45
probes you can laugh but its not wide of the mark with some.

I got my HGV in the army when I was 17.

So when I was 21 I had had the license for 3 years so was good to go driving drill pipe round Aberdeen in an artic.

Mother in 30 seconds became the worlds expert on driving articulated lorry's and the loading of them. Apparently every lorry driver in Aberdeen was going round roundabouts incorrectly. Quite how I was meant to get round corners without killing everyone on the pavement doing it her way I never quite understood.

And flying aircraft was the same, a phone call asking where I was because it was 100m all day in ABZ when told we were stuck got told it was nonsense the wx is fine and aircraft land all the time in wx like this.

I subsequently found out that she had a load of flat packs delivered and the whole cunning plan of getting me to visit was to construct the bloody things during my 11hour rest period on day 5 of a 6 day early to late 11 hour/day duty roster 6 sector days. Was quite relived actually it was foggy when I found that out. Apparently I was ment to sleep on the aircraft as the auto pilot flew the thing anyway.

Fox3WheresMyBanana
1st Jun 2014, 21:58
My mum was De Havilland-trained, and much later was document controller for a company that fixed the engines in my RAF jet. She always wore a discrete DH badge, and I'm sure the engineers and technicians were aware that slack standards would be considered an attempt to murder her son.;)

One Christmas, after a celebratory port or three, she announced with deep satisfaction
"Well, I have four healthy children; and none of them are in prison, and none of them are in politics!"

She has never tried to give any of us any advice. I like to think this is because we are adults, rather than because she knows damn well none of us would ever listen.

Nervous SLF
1st Jun 2014, 22:18
My mother soon learnt that when I was having a problem with my motorcycle it was best for her to stay well away. If only
she was still alive so that she could teach my wife to ask for me to do something but then stay away until called.She
is just as bad as when I am driving but that is another long story :(

Ancient Mariner
2nd Jun 2014, 06:34
My mother was very supportive, she signed the documents that allowed me to leave home at the age of 14 to join a cadet ship.
I never stayed with my parents again, my mother never interfered with my life and we are still friends, whenever she recognize me (her memory is not what it used to be).
Per

probes
2nd Jun 2014, 16:27
Never mind mothers... but if you've got a father who's not supposed to drink much and arrives with a bottle of really good cognac...

Gosh, I haven't been so drunk for ... well, quite a while. https://s.yimg.com/ok/u/assets/img/emoticons/emo51.gif

P.S how was the anecdote about wives who try to drink more to make sure their husbands will not be drunk?