Airport Security in the USA

[I. M. Esperto]

This was forewarded to me by a retired UAL Captain:
Sick. What has hapenned to this country?

Dick:

One last thought. Just because some demented individual who still believes in Santa Claus decided to try to blow up his shoes we are all subject to this governmental knee jerk reaction about Xraying shoes. What if he had put the explosives in his underwear? Yes, we would all have to take off our underwear and have it Xrayed. The insanity of the government thinking (if it can be called that) is so foolish that it almost humerous. If you saw this in a movie you wouldn't believe it.

Yes, the flight crews have to go through the same foolishness. I'm embarrased to see professionals with years of experience and with the responsibility for the lives of hundreds on each aircraft being treated like third graders having to stand in line to make sure that they won't do something to their own aircraft. Give me a break!!!!

Jim Poole lives here but flies the Chicago to Tokyo flight. He told me a month ago about a situation that he had just encountered when he got to Chicago with his First Officer. He had the obligatory pliers and screw driver in his flight bag and the First Offficer had the obligatory knife in his flight bag. Security (read "The Morons") would not let either of them on their own flight. Jim, being the humorist that he is, said,"That is fine but please tell the passengers that they aren't going to Tokyo and tell my airline that I'm going back to Spruce Creek." As you can imagine, the Morons didn't know what to do so while Jim was waiting for his airline to ship the Morons to Siberia he watched a fully armed soldier come on duty to relieve his partner. The soldier, in full battle gear, had his .45, his Uzi, his hand grenades and probably a flame thrower. The Morons took their hand held metal detector and went all over his body. Jim, in amazement, asked what they were doing. They ! told him that they were checking for concealed weapons.

Shortly after that, while still waiting for clearance to fly to Tokyo, he observed the Morons refusing to let the sky marshal board the plane because he had finger nail clippers. His Glock 9 mm was fine but not the finger nail clippers.

Now do you get the picture???

Wayne

[simfly]

I can relate to that. When returning to the UK from Orlando at Christmas, I was pretty much strip searched by a female security guard, and I hadn't set the buzzer off. I had my belt off, jumper off (it does get cold there sometimes!) trousers falling down my legs (you get the picture). The guy I was travelling with however, went through untouched. THEN.. when we went through the securuty post in Gatwick for our domestic flight, my friend was grabbed by a security guard who claimed he had some nail scissors. My friend had forget that he had put them in a pencil case (lots of sharp instruments!!), then placed the pencil case in his hand luggage insted of his hold luggage. I was so amazed how this was not noticed in Orlando, where security is at is tightest. Having worked in a UK aiport, I have seen how the BAA security staff work, and I trust them totally. Their training is very good, and they are constantly being tested by their bosses in the workplace, as a check to see they are doing their jobs. However, travelling to the UK from the US does concern me on the security side.

[I. M. Esperto]

May 19, 2002




Kansas City : An American Airlines flight enroute from Los Angeles to JFK airport in New York City was diverted to MCI yesterday when a passenger was noticed attempting to light a fuse protruding from his rectum. Flight Attendant Bunny Haggarty said she noticed the man seated in an aisle seat leaning forward and holding a cigarettelighter behind his legs. "I though he was just trying to light a fart," said Haggarty, "like our pilots are always doing on layovers." "Then I saw this
string-like thing hanging from his ass, and I got scared." Haggarty immediately called for assistance. Several male passengers subdued the man before he was able to light the fuse.

After landing in Kansas City, authorities found the man's intestines were stuffed with military grade C4 explosive. FBI agents stated that it would have been a complete catastrophe if the passenger had succeeded in lighting the fuse. The passenger,
Mohammed Bin Ali El Batout Nabeel Sin Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba, Age 25, was carrying fourteen passports from various countries throughout the middle east.

Asked why he had stuffed himself full of plastic explosives, Ali Baba stated, "I was planning to blow the chit out of the plane." "I wanted to kill all the Americans and Jews to show that we are a peace loving pipple."

Airport security agents in Los Angeles remembered seeing Ali Baba as he boarded American flight 90. They were a bit concerned because his name would not fit on the front of the ticket, he was wearing a checkered tablecloth as a hat,looked like he was ready to kill someone, was reading an Al Quaedatraining manual and had on a "**** America" teeshirt. According to Federal Airport Security standards, however, individuals cannot be profiled for additional security simply because they are young, middle-eastern men.The security supervisor, Leroy Jackson, said he was somewhat concerned with the way Ali Baba walked. "Hell, man, the guy waddled like he had a stick of dynamite up his ass!" "Had I not been on the phone with my probation officer, I might have checked this guy out some more." "But, we want and need complete diversity in our passenger screening,"stated Jackson. "Plus, we think the flight crews on those planes pose more of a threat to safety than one ******* with an exploding ass." "That's why you can always find one of them pilots in barefeet waiting for his shoes to be x-rayed. I love seeing the look on their faces when we make them do that," he guffawed, adding "I just hope they don't give those guys guns, 'cause they might want to even the score."

Federal officials are now referring to this latest terrorist attempt as a 'butt bomb'. Security experts believe this could be even more difficult to detect than the primitive 'shoe bomb' used by terrorist Richard Reid. "I'm not sure how were going to check for 'butt bombs'," stated Jackson. "We don't have technology to do it, but we've got to check somehow in the interest of safety," adding, "I think we should start with Flight Crews first."

In Islamic nations, women are not considered anything other than the bearer of children so it's not necessary to worry about "butt bombs" being carried by women.

However, in the USA women are considered as equal to men. Therefore passengers are being asked to continue just what they've been doing for 1000 years. Check the woman's ass. Former President Clinton said he's been cooperating for years.








;)

[gyrohead]

:D Now that would be funny if it weren't so true!!!!!

[powerset]

Beautiful! I needed a laugh.