Capot
4th Apr 2014, 16:07
While clearing out 40 years accumulated junk, I came across a little booklet called "Foolishly Yours". It was issued to all passengers on Air India in the 1970's, and it's an absolute gem.
The tone is set by the disclaimer on the inside front cover; "The sketches is this book represent humanity at large. They are not intended to depict national, linguistic or ethnic groups. If among them you can spot friends or relatives, the responsibility and credit is entirely yours".
The booklet is a funny, wry, whimsical, self-deprecating series of pieces of knowledge and information that people might like to know while flying on Air India to or from India.
All I can do is select a representative sample of quotations; there are 36 pages (6" X 4"), and every one has several jewels, so it's not easy to pick just a few. In each case, I'll give you the heading, and then a quote from under it.
Introduction to India.
Mistrust those who bring gifts, but remember we're different. Sentimental by nature we've grown fond of you and not only because money changed hands when first we met. That's the sad part of it all, the fact that you put ypour hand in your pocket before we gave you your ticket. We feel feel bad about that and we are trying to say how sorry we are.
The Taj Mahal Hotel is Tata managed, and so were we at one time, so we must be vareful. But when provoked do not hesitate to use descriptions like "Clip-joint" and "When the hell is the customer right?". Our experience shows that the management enjoys criticism.
Be Kind
There are two kinds of passengers, the kind we'd die for and the kind we'd like to outlive - with the innocent look Henry must have had when he passed the word to his stooges that Beckett was a pain in the neck.
Your Shots
When a monkey was asked how he got his fleas, he pointed to another monkey. Our Governments are the same with quarantine regulations. A wrong certificate can mean nine days solitary in a quarantine hospital. It has happened to us and it isn't funny.
Give and Take
The passenger is always right but don't overdo it and bully our staff....Be kind to our boys and they will respond like a Hamadryad to music. Like elephants they never forget and a little co-operation will take you farther than you'd care to go.
Our Pilots
No man is a hero to his wife. This applies to our pilots and us.
Our skippers are a cross between Gaugin and Lady Chatterley's lover.
...flying is a hobby to them, their real income is on the side.
...our Captains have to spend a few minutes chatting to passengers.....when you see your Captain making a bee-line for you, transfer your wife and your wallet to the other side.
The Sting of Parting
When an Indian leaves his country, seveteen million and seven men, women and children come to see their hero off mid scens of emotion and tragi-splendour........
But Albion saying adieu to his folks is an epic of understatement.
On the House
We give away a free overnight bag to all first class passengers....our generosity is purely selfish for our name is splashed on the side.
Baksheesh
Please don't tip our staff, from the Directors downwards. If anyone is caught it means the sack. As a result our staff turnover is terrific, especially among our executives....
Tact
When your fellow passenger is a little under the weather, don't regard him with amusement or interest............pretend you haven't noticed a thing and comment casually on the Berlin situation....he will realise you are a gentleman and if he's a lady it may turn out to be a long-term investment.
Its All Yours
.....Nothin is too good for you, and like the genie of the lamp, you've but to rub to have us near you. To prove it, buzz for your Hostess; if she's by your side in split seconds, in fact within the next thirty minutes, no-one will be more surprised than we.
Rendering unto Caesar
....thy Hostess will embrace thee at destination. It helps your ego...and us to cut our losses. While you're thanking Providence for the heaven in your arms she's recovering our cutlery from your pockets.
Diet
....so if you're a vegetarian and we've run out of veg, you have the consolation of knowing that someone's boobed! And that's when your Hostess will have to lay on all the charm she can lay her hands on.
England
The Englishman is different - never forget it. The golden rule is - speak to no-one unless you're spoken to. You'll never be spoken to, and after two months you'll qualify as an inmate.
The tone is set by the disclaimer on the inside front cover; "The sketches is this book represent humanity at large. They are not intended to depict national, linguistic or ethnic groups. If among them you can spot friends or relatives, the responsibility and credit is entirely yours".
The booklet is a funny, wry, whimsical, self-deprecating series of pieces of knowledge and information that people might like to know while flying on Air India to or from India.
All I can do is select a representative sample of quotations; there are 36 pages (6" X 4"), and every one has several jewels, so it's not easy to pick just a few. In each case, I'll give you the heading, and then a quote from under it.
Introduction to India.
Mistrust those who bring gifts, but remember we're different. Sentimental by nature we've grown fond of you and not only because money changed hands when first we met. That's the sad part of it all, the fact that you put ypour hand in your pocket before we gave you your ticket. We feel feel bad about that and we are trying to say how sorry we are.
The Taj Mahal Hotel is Tata managed, and so were we at one time, so we must be vareful. But when provoked do not hesitate to use descriptions like "Clip-joint" and "When the hell is the customer right?". Our experience shows that the management enjoys criticism.
Be Kind
There are two kinds of passengers, the kind we'd die for and the kind we'd like to outlive - with the innocent look Henry must have had when he passed the word to his stooges that Beckett was a pain in the neck.
Your Shots
When a monkey was asked how he got his fleas, he pointed to another monkey. Our Governments are the same with quarantine regulations. A wrong certificate can mean nine days solitary in a quarantine hospital. It has happened to us and it isn't funny.
Give and Take
The passenger is always right but don't overdo it and bully our staff....Be kind to our boys and they will respond like a Hamadryad to music. Like elephants they never forget and a little co-operation will take you farther than you'd care to go.
Our Pilots
No man is a hero to his wife. This applies to our pilots and us.
Our skippers are a cross between Gaugin and Lady Chatterley's lover.
...flying is a hobby to them, their real income is on the side.
...our Captains have to spend a few minutes chatting to passengers.....when you see your Captain making a bee-line for you, transfer your wife and your wallet to the other side.
The Sting of Parting
When an Indian leaves his country, seveteen million and seven men, women and children come to see their hero off mid scens of emotion and tragi-splendour........
But Albion saying adieu to his folks is an epic of understatement.
On the House
We give away a free overnight bag to all first class passengers....our generosity is purely selfish for our name is splashed on the side.
Baksheesh
Please don't tip our staff, from the Directors downwards. If anyone is caught it means the sack. As a result our staff turnover is terrific, especially among our executives....
Tact
When your fellow passenger is a little under the weather, don't regard him with amusement or interest............pretend you haven't noticed a thing and comment casually on the Berlin situation....he will realise you are a gentleman and if he's a lady it may turn out to be a long-term investment.
Its All Yours
.....Nothin is too good for you, and like the genie of the lamp, you've but to rub to have us near you. To prove it, buzz for your Hostess; if she's by your side in split seconds, in fact within the next thirty minutes, no-one will be more surprised than we.
Rendering unto Caesar
....thy Hostess will embrace thee at destination. It helps your ego...and us to cut our losses. While you're thanking Providence for the heaven in your arms she's recovering our cutlery from your pockets.
Diet
....so if you're a vegetarian and we've run out of veg, you have the consolation of knowing that someone's boobed! And that's when your Hostess will have to lay on all the charm she can lay her hands on.
England
The Englishman is different - never forget it. The golden rule is - speak to no-one unless you're spoken to. You'll never be spoken to, and after two months you'll qualify as an inmate.