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Cacophonix
15th Mar 2014, 11:10
I am currently reading "Watching the English, The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour" by Kate Fox and am amused to see that I might have caught some of the English disease as I now regard blathering on inanely about the weather...

"Oh what a beautiful day, so warm, not perfect but so much better than the other day but clearly not as good as that day in 1984 and who could forget that other day in 1976..."

as the height of good manners and a perfectly reasonable thing to do without expecting my intestine to spring from body and strangle me in act of mercy in much the same way as bowel of Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent was reputed to have done in The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy...

I suppose I realised I was going down the route of the Limey, die Rooinek or that Englishman who disported himself in the midday sun ... when upon being given the accolade by a rather attractive French woman, I became insanely embarrassed, blushed and then (horror of Gallic horrors) put my hands on her hips and did that thing that Englishwomen who lunch or who drive Chelsea tractors in Knightsbridge do and kissed the air noisily somewhere within a foot of both her cheeks...

If things go on this way I will start apologising when people stand on my feet or arrange to meet my friends two years in advance for a beer or even, to fulfil that old American canard about the English, develop bad teeth...

Are you English and if so then bad luck? Do you recognise yourself in any of these traits, or do you , like all good Englishmen, thank your lucky stars that you are not a foreigner like those blasted Welsh?

Noel Coward: Mad Dogs and Englishmen - YouTube

Caco

Rush2112
15th Mar 2014, 11:17
British by birth, English by the grace of God.

Capetonian
15th Mar 2014, 11:23
When my son attended his British Citizenship ceremony in Buckinghamshire last year (out of about 50, we were the only white English speaking people there). The ceremony was performed by the Queen's Representative, a quintessentially English gentleman, a retired High Court Judge, who gave a delightful and witty speech. Amongst the other words of wisdom, he said that to be really British, you have to learn to queue, and even if you are the only person, you must still stand in an orderly queue, you must understand that a cup of tea is the panacea for anything, and that you must talk about the weather even when it has been the same for weeks (rain!) and there is little prospect of change.

Cacophonix
15th Mar 2014, 11:36
Did the same thing myself some years back Capetonian. No speeches by the magistrate though, unfortunately, but was happy to swear my oath of allegiance to the Queen and repair to the local for a celebratory pint of Old Peculiar......

Caco

bosnich71
15th Mar 2014, 11:48
Can we, please, not mix nationalities, there's English and then there's british.
I'll await the accusations.

Keef
15th Mar 2014, 11:58
I'm English, British, and Anglican - and proud to be all three.

I remember, many decades ago, waiting on the platform at Leverkusen (just outside Cologne) to see off a friend returning to the Netherlands. We were, of course, speaking English and dressed in typical weekend scruff. Two very "properly dressed" Germans walked past: one said in a voice meant to be heard "verdammte Gastarbeiter" (blydi foreign workers). The reply (in immaculate German) was "No, missionaries, come to bring civilisation to the Hun". I wish I had a photograph of their faces.

Cacophonix
15th Mar 2014, 12:07
My ex girl friend is Welsh and used to point out that the Welsh had invented fire, the wheel and most things civilised (she graciously recognised that the English may have had some small part in Britain's glorious chapter) but that only the Welsh had hwyl...
I suppose that the English might now reply that with the advent of fracking they have their own oil and don't have to nick it from the Scots! ;)

Caco

sitigeltfel
15th Mar 2014, 12:14
or do you , like all good Englishmen, thank your lucky stars that you are not a foreigner like those blasted Welsh?

Well, having just returned yesterday from their winter colony in the Alps, Meribel, I can truly say that the English certainly make others aware of their perceived superiority.
The hills echoed with their drunken braying voices and a stroll to the boulangerie in the mornings was fraught with difficulty due to having to step round the pavement pizzas they had deposited, after rolling out of the pubs (English owned) at three in the morning.
The poor souls could be seen guzzling €7 bottles of beer at the Folie Douce bar below the Saulire middle station, while the Russians were quaffing €3500 bottles of Dom Perignon in the VIP area.

Champers being delivered to the Russkies in the mini cable car...

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee201/sitigeltfel/CIMG0005_zps6455b681.jpg (http://s231.photobucket.com/user/sitigeltfel/media/CIMG0005_zps6455b681.jpg.html)


;)

bosnich71
15th Mar 2014, 12:15
Caco ... and there was me thinking that the Taffs only invented Singing and digging for coal. Well you live and learn.

Capetonian
15th Mar 2014, 12:22
Flanders & Swann - YouTube

Song of Patriotic Prejudice (The English are Best)

tony draper
15th Mar 2014, 12:26
The Welsh invented digging coal? as a Geordie one begs to differ,we were sat at glorious coal fires when the Welsh were still huddled shivering around mounds of smoldering Sheep dung.
:= :rolleyes:

Lon More
15th Mar 2014, 12:29
there was me thinking that the Taffs only invented Singing and digging for coal.

There was me thinking they only invented shep shagging

There are four kinds of people in the UK -
First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility

Windy Militant
15th Mar 2014, 12:33
The Welsh had hywel...
And your not having him back till you pay the ransom!

Hwyl yw'r gair tŷ’n chwilio am fach! ;)

Falch i fod Sais, sai'n meddwl!

Cacophonix
15th Mar 2014, 12:35
The Welsh had hywel...

Damn it you are fast. I thought I had repaired my gaffe before anybody noticed... ;)

My ex would be delighted that I now wear the cone of Welsh linguistic shame...:ok:

Caco

meadowrun
15th Mar 2014, 12:37
It is always a good thing especially when some (not all) of the alternatives are considered.

vulcanised
15th Mar 2014, 13:39
No-one wanting to claim also being European ?

Me neither.

Capetonian
15th Mar 2014, 13:43
European is not a nationality, it's an ethnicity, I would call it Caucasian.

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQblspVvPln1wENVX1JXPTBjaH_T2SBgzGV8RDVwxV vHcq51A_6kQ

Windy Militant
15th Mar 2014, 14:21
Before we all get carried away with jingoistic nationalistic patriotism. We should take a moment and consider that we are all deckhands on spaceship Earth. Remember that the very thin glow surrounding the planet is the only bit we Irkmen can survive in with any comfort! Which is very small compared to the rest of the big bad universe! :ooh:

http://www.planetsforkids.org/images/planets/moon-4.jpg

603DX
15th Mar 2014, 14:42
I'm an Englishman and proud of it - whatever that may mean.

Not ashamed of it, certainly.

It might also mean that every jot and tittle of my probable roots in the passing parade of Romans, Angles, Jutes, Saxons, Normans and Uncle Tom Cobbley (and all) who have marched in uninvited, stayed to whinge about the weather and to interbreed, are also pleased to be here.

An irrational pride at being a member of a cosmopolitan whole, comprising the sum of very many diverse parts, is perhaps the mark of the English.

Davaar
15th Mar 2014, 14:42
QUOTE:
to be really British, you have to learn to queue
UNQUOTE

"British". said the judge, and "learn to queue".

Yeah!

The word "queue" was introduced to English by one Thomas Carlyle, a Scotsman of course, in his book "History of the French Revolution", to connote the practice of lining up for food.

I blame the French.

Capetonian
15th Mar 2014, 14:46
I blame the French.So do I, for pretty much all the evils that beset us, from shoddy cars, the EU, Napoleon, garlic, foie gras, sullen pouting tarts and the weather.

Lon More
15th Mar 2014, 14:47
I blame the French

Some say it comes from the French, "cul" :eek:

Shoddy cars - driven any Mercs lately?

The EU - anything that keeps the rabble South of the Equator is a good thing.

Napoleon - called the English a nation of shopkeepers. They don't even merit that these days.

foie gras [ admit it's an aquired taste.

sullen pouting tarts - vive la Bardot et Francoise Hardy

the weather - been coming from the west all winter. Better blame the Murricans

B Fraser
15th Mar 2014, 15:56
British by birth, English by the grace of God

Indeed. Had you been born a Scot, you would have had no-one to look up to.

;)

wings folded
15th Mar 2014, 16:31
Now, this word "queue".

In America it does not seem to be used; I have been told to "stand in line" at immigration at Boston Logan and elsewhere, not in a "queue".

I think I know that a queue is a collection of folk organised one behind the other, stretching as far as there are participants to fulfill the definition.

So Americans use the word "line" instead. No problem to me. But why when they do line dancing are they not one behind the other, but rather standing or cavorting side by side?

The concept of the queue is so singularly English that it is the only nationality on earth able to perform it alone.

I will not even go near the alternative meaning of the word in French. Much too embarassing, you know.

BenThere
15th Mar 2014, 16:46
French and Italians don't 'queue' they 'push and shove'. Germans will stand at attention until they are called to proceed.

My preference is the English way. Stand in line and mutter.

wings folded
15th Mar 2014, 16:56
Stand in line and mutter. No, no, no.

That is not a queue.

If it is a line, it does not involve the English. And if muttering occurs, one has to begin to suspect immigration to have occurred.

gunbus
15th Mar 2014, 16:56
My preference is the English way. Stand in line and mutter.

Well almost



https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=FiDNKryIza4

ex_matelot
15th Mar 2014, 17:06
Im English. Ulitimately would like to move to Die Vaterland. One of my baby's toy desks has a switch on it that is either English or french.

There is nothing more terrifying than a 20 month old baby starting to mutter "Urn Derr Twarrr" after he has flicked the switch.

ChrisVJ
15th Mar 2014, 17:24
I have been here for twenty five years and I still get people complimenting me on my nice accent.

It takes a lot of patience to explain to thirty five million people that it is they who have the accent, not me.

Lon More
15th Mar 2014, 18:27
nothing more terrifying than a 20 month old baby starting to mutter "Urn Derr Twarrr"
or yan tan tethera (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yan_tan_tethera) as they say in that part of england nearest civilisation

Tankertrashnav
15th Mar 2014, 18:47
Never understood how anyone can be proud of anything that is entirely dependent on accident of birth.

Thus I am a white English heterosexual male, all of which are conditions imposed upon me at my birth (or indeed shortly after conception).

I could just as easily have been a black American lesbian woman.

Not being ashamed of either of the above is a different matter, but I think there is a not too subtle difference.

BenThere
15th Mar 2014, 18:49
I am a white English heterosexual male

The world hates you and you are prohibited from advocating for or defending yourself. Go stand in the corner!

Tankertrashnav
15th Mar 2014, 18:57
Oh no, not again! :(

ex_matelot
15th Mar 2014, 19:03
get on the naughty step tankertrashnav - and damn your genetics!!

You are wrong by default.

I however sport a rather magnificent affro - rendering me unable to wear a captain's cap correctly but.... able to laugh heartily at certain people.

No, I'm not black.

TomJoad
15th Mar 2014, 19:14
Never understood how anyone can be proud of anything that is entirely dependent on accident of birth.

Thus I am a white English heterosexual male, all of which are conditions imposed upon me at my birth (or indeed shortly after conception).

I could just as easily have been a black American lesbian woman.

Not being ashamed of either of the above is a different matter, but I think there is a not too subtle difference.

:D:D:D:D

As they say in Scotland we are all Jock Tamson's bairns"

Lon More
15th Mar 2014, 19:18
we are all Jock Tamson's bairns

tight fisted bastard widnae spring fur condoms! :E

TomJoad
15th Mar 2014, 19:20
Well that's one interpretation :p

Um... lifting...
15th Mar 2014, 19:36
What the English won't tell you is that the word 'queue' is not an English word at all.

It's French, of all things.

And it literally means 'tail'. In French slang, it is a sexual euphemism for a certain body part.

But the English won't tell you that.


http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/mtu/lowres/business-commerce-queueing-queues-post_offices-lines-shops-mtun469l.jpg

tony draper
15th Mar 2014, 19:42
We comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we must have led blameless previous lives otherwise we would have been born a dammed furriner.
:rolleyes:

TomJoad
15th Mar 2014, 20:01
I'm an Englishman and proud of it - whatever that may mean.

An irrational pride at being a member of a cosmopolitan whole, comprising the sum of very many diverse parts, is perhaps the mark of the English.

:D:D:D

I'd tend to agree with that 603DX maybe just add to the mark of Englishness - the willingness to accept that others may have different views/opinions, different outlook. A firm belief in freedom of thought and speech and the rule of law. Definitely nothing to be ashamed of.

And yes our ridiculous obsession with the weather and queuing,:ok:

Donkey497
15th Mar 2014, 21:50
I am not Spartacus, but........


I am Jock Tamson's Bairn,


He was Jock Tamson's Bairn too,


But he was Sam Tamson's Bairn,


Who also happened to be Jock Tamson's Bairn.......


Proud Scot, Defiant Briton and relatively happy to no longer be an active participant in the Human Race.

RAC/OPS
16th Mar 2014, 08:00
Directions. Go to visit an Englishman, and he will spend most of the time telling you how to get back home, in spite of successfully navigating your way to him in the first place. After much protests about how you can find your way home, he will insist on driving part of the way with you following so you don't get lost. Best case scenario is that you will have an animated discussion about the A roads and B roads and various roundabouts.

Wingswinger
16th Mar 2014, 08:33
Yes, it's good to be English. The best parts of England and being English are truly sublime. But it's even better to be Scottish.:E::ok:

tony draper
16th Mar 2014, 08:51
We half breeds must be a cut above then.:)

Cacophonix
16th Mar 2014, 09:32
You should be blaming America:}

Don't we always? ;)

Caco

TomJoad
16th Mar 2014, 13:37
Yes, it's good to be English. The best parts of England and being English are truly sublime. But it's even better to be Scottish.:E::ok:

I'm doing my best - I'm in rehab:E

Lon More
16th Mar 2014, 17:27
Sorry Lone ranger, see post 22 above.

piesupper
16th Mar 2014, 17:48
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bi2jVKlIQAARxsZ.jpg :ok:

Gertrude the Wombat
16th Mar 2014, 21:53
Directions. Go to visit an Englishman, and he will spend most of the time telling you how to get back home, in spite of successfully navigating your way to him in the first place. After much protests about how you can find your way home, he will insist on driving part of the way with you following so you don't get lost. Best case scenario is that you will have an animated discussion about the A roads and B roads and various roundabouts.
Last week we got an Englishman to tell us exactly how to get from Windsor to Shaw Castle via the back roads.

And then got him to tell us again, slowly, whilst we wrote it down.

We only made one mistake and backtrack, but eventually persuaded ourselves that the grotty looking 4WD-only track up the hillside through the jungle was indeed the way to go, not the nice wide road through the cane fields. (Which turned out to be built by the estate for their trucks and didn't actually go anywhere except more cane fields.)

Without the directions we'd still be trying to find the way. ("Oh, did I tell you about the tree down across the road?" he asked us afterwards. But someone had already got at it with their machete, so we got past all right.)

MagnusP
17th Mar 2014, 13:42
Mainly Scots, but with various mongrel bits.

Never had any problem with the Ffffrench, even in Paris. It helps to be able to say "Mais non, monsieur, pas l'anglais, je suis un Ecossais!" :p

The SSK
17th Mar 2014, 13:51
Yesterday morning, at my Belgian rowing club, I decided to carry the erg out to the garden in front of the clubhouse and work out in the fresh air.

The barkeeper came out onto the balcony and shouted down to me to ask what I was doing

‘I am indoor rowing, outdoors’

He shook his head: ‘you English, you are so bloody contrary’.