View Full Version : Funerals?

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 09:47
Item on one of the news channels this morning(RT) about the UK Funeral industry, twer as I have long suspected they are among the worst thieving rat bastards in the country and as a industry should be numbered up there for plundering their customers with the payday loans and the energy industry.
Apparently the cost of a funerals has risen a totally unnecessary 80% in the last ten years for no good reason anyone can see
Only been involved with one family funeral in recent years and the charges for what they actually did was outrageous.

13th Mar 2014, 10:05
Problem is Drapes is that it's illegal to stick dead rellies in the wheelie bin or take them to the tip. So you're really stuck. There have been cases where dead rellies have been popped in the freezer, but suspect that was for an ulterior motive.

13th Mar 2014, 10:37
As I understand,there is no requirement to use an undertaker,if one is so inclined
a DIY job is within the law,a cardboard box,an approved plot and handcart or uncle Sids transit is acceptable, I have purchased my plot already,box to follow and the Mems horse and cart.

As for the thieving Mr D, just one of numerous cases reported over the last 5 years or so.


13th Mar 2014, 10:38
Maybe that's illegal in Australia, alisoncc, but in the UK at least there are many less elaborate and cheaper ways of burying your relatives.

Green burials involve burying the dead in a shroud or possibly a cardboard coffin - there is absolutely no requirement to have a wooden coffin. Once buried, there is no formal marking of the grave by use of an expensive headstone - possibly a nearby tree can be used as a marker. Any suitable estate car or van can be used to convey the body to its resting place. Embalming is expensive and quite unnecessary, and has only spread into this country with the recent practice of "open coffin" funerals, which were previously almost unheard of here.

As to location, it is quite legal to be buried on private land, such as a large garden, as long as there is no likelihood of contaminating a watercourse. I have a three acre field which would be an ideal resting place, but I shan't ask to be popped in there, as I suspect my lurking subterranean presence might depress the value of the property when my kids eventually sell it!

Nervous SLF
13th Mar 2014, 10:46
Just tell your children that in your Will you insist on being planted in that field unless they really look after you in your dotage :E

13th Mar 2014, 10:48
Had Dads funeral a year ago next week.Had him transported from Essex to his home city of Liverpool,a tasteful cardboard coffin and cremation for the sum of £4000.Seemed reasonable to me.

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 10:51
The item featured a old lady who had been diagnosed with a fatal disease who went about trying to arrange her own funeral as cheaply as possible, a complete exercise in futility,the above options ie being carted away in a bin bag ect is in reality simply not there for the ordinary person,the local authorities in cahoots with the undertakers just make it impossible,they have their racket to protect,
Incidentally the old lady responded to treatment and lives on.

13th Mar 2014, 10:55
All this plonking in the ground is right silly. The Vikings had it right but ruined a good boat in the process.

John Hill
13th Mar 2014, 10:56
When my father died the family wanted his coffin taken to a church for an evening prayer service the day before the funeral. The undertakers quoted an extra 1500 bux as it meant the hearse doing an extra trip from their premises which was 20 miles away.

So we put him on the back of a ute and he didnt complain one bit, we also stopped for a moment outside his pub so his friends could wave him off.

If I understand correctly the laws in NZ require the coffin to be leak proof and someone official has to certify what/who is in the box when the lid is closed.

Buster Hyman
13th Mar 2014, 11:06
Planning me Ma's funeral for next tuesday. AUD15,000!!!! :eek::(:(

Worrals in the wilds
13th Mar 2014, 11:11
From what I can see the law here requires that you use a funeral director. If you can't pay then the government will, but they'll shake the cost out of the estate wherever possible. :(
Funerals and costs - Queensland Courts (http://www.courts.qld.gov.au/courts/coroners-court/common-questions/funerals-and-costs)

That said, there are good and bad funeral directors. The bad ones are as Tony describes, but the good ones will do the job for a reasonable cost. Unfortunately people who've lost a family member aren't usually in a good frame of mind and are susceptible to con-men and shonks. This annoys the good guys, because the government (as usual :bored:) doesn't do a lot to regulate the industry. There was a case here where a licensed funeral director offered cut price cremations, then transported the bodies in an unrefrigerated van to Rockhampton (650 km north) without the family's knowledge because the cremation costs were cheaper. :yuk:

EDIT: Planning me Ma's funeral for next tuesday. AUD15,000!!!! :eek::(:(Sorry about your Mum :sad:. IME from burying several near relatives, you're better off paying the big bucks up front to a reputable provider, because they'll do it all properly and you won't have any hidden costs or stuff arounds. I'd have no hesitation using the two locally owned funeral companies we used again (KM Smith and Alex Gow), even though they were expensive. I've heard too many horror stories from people who took the 'cheap' option to do otherwise.

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 11:13
I think there is a special office in Whitehall where people starting a business go to collect their letters of marque giving them permission to rob steal plunder and grossly overcharge the great British public as long as they pay their taxes every now and again.

13th Mar 2014, 11:46
I felt a video (what a surprise) might best sum up the sentiments here...

From the "Big Lebowski"... ;)

The Big Lebowski (11/12) Movie CLIP - The Bereaved (1998) HD - YouTube


cockney steve
13th Mar 2014, 12:12
I have arranged 2 funerals in the last 18 months.
total bill in each case was around £3,500....highlights.....reopen a grave
£360+....Hire of God-shop about 90minutes all in ...£360
(the vicar, long retired, got NOTHING out of that...
cost of grave plot for 100 years...£400
permission to erect a headstone £50
mandatory foundation for stone £100
Undertaker is a long-time aquaintance , he insisted I saved £120 on a second car, which he would have had to hire-in anyway.He argued, rightly, that people had their own cars to get there.
coffin was ~£260,- again, he advised the difference between the dearest and cheapest was in the internal trimmings which aren't seen when it's closed, anyway.

A lot of cash, but when you break it down, he's not living the high life on his profits.
I have no doubt that there are many who exploit people's vulnerability in their grief.

13th Mar 2014, 12:13
My only personal experience was last July when we organised my mother's funeral. We used a local firm who have been established in the town for 180 years and have a virtual monopoly. They also do joinery - it may have worried my dad (93) when I got them round to measure up for some window repairs last time I was there!

The costs seemed quite reasonable - about £3,500 which included the purchase of a grave which will also accommodate my father when the time comes, a church service, transport, a reception afterwards, and a good quality coffin (apparently that's needed if you're going to put another one on top).

All organised by a young woman who could not have been more helpful.

A A Gruntpuddock
13th Mar 2014, 12:25
My son was worked in a cemetery for a while and knew quite a lot of the ways undertakers pushed up the costs.

Said he knew people who left one of the better known & supposedly family friendly lot because they had to push expensive coffins, fittings, etc. Even the drivers were pressed to get the relatives to agree to 'extras'. If you weren't seen to be increasing the profits you were let go.

He recommended a local family firm who prided themselves on providing a basic but high quality service. You could get all the bells and whistles added in if you wanted but it was up to you to ask for them.

Ancient Mariner
13th Mar 2014, 12:33
My will says, paper bag/burn/scatter (either at sea or in the mountains, permissions pending), copious amounts of alcoholic beverages, my music list to be played (yup, all 60ies/70ies Rock), not one person in funny dress (priest/vicar/mullah/whatever) within shooting range and no tears allowed.
That should keep costs down.
I'm looking forward to the party.

Private jet
13th Mar 2014, 13:02
You'll notice that the Co-op are not selling their chain of funeral parlours as part of the restructuring of the business....

Our local undertaker seems to do exceptionally well for himself too.

Its about time this industry was looked into, and builders, roofers, plumbers and other tradespeople in general. Greedy profiteers dont just work in banks you know.

13th Mar 2014, 14:20
A long while back (several decades) there was a scandal involving the local Cooperative undertakers.

It was revealed that the chap had been entertaining his lady friend for sessions of rumpy-pumpy in the back of the van used to collect bodies from wherever they had died.

The business was closed down (though they are now up and running again).

13th Mar 2014, 14:36
Saw a funeral cortège a few weeks ago consisting of pair black horses, black carriage and several black stretch limousines. Must have cost a few bob.
I intend to be disposed of in a cheap box, disappear up the chimney and all with the minimum of fuss.

13th Mar 2014, 14:53
Undertaker Michael O'Brien from Dukinfield, Tameside, admits stealing charity donations made by grieving loved-ones - Manchester Evening News (http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/undertaker-michael-obrien-dukinfield-tameside-6807672)

13th Mar 2014, 15:06
With regard to cremation, can someone please answer this question.

Once the coffin has rolled behind the curtain or anyway disappeared from view, does the cremation itself consume the coffin as well as the deceased ?

Therefore when I get presented with the ashes, am I getting the just the cremated remains or am I getting the coffin and fittings that go with it, or is it just possible that the funeral bods have removed the body and hey presto, another coffin to flog off?

Its been puzzling me for ages.

13th Mar 2014, 15:13
I seem to remember reading Cremation Today or some such leaflet that the whole lot go into the burner and the ashes are then ground into finer bits.
You get the lot in the urn apart from the metal bits.

A word from our sponsors -


13th Mar 2014, 15:23
I have a question about burials, How long is the body in the ground before it before it rots away to nothing ?

13th Mar 2014, 15:42
I suppose it depends on the acidity/alkalinity of the soil. Alkaline soils are richer in bacteria, speeding up decomposition. Acid soils (think peat bog) can preserve bodies for quite a while.

My plan is to be planted in a shroud, tree stuck on top, few words from a humanist celebrant then everyone can get pissed out of my "estate", 'cos I'll no longer care what they spend.

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 15:48
It depends how rotten the individual was before they were put in the ground.
Alas poor Yorick I knew him well,and all that jazz
Dont you people read!

13th Mar 2014, 19:41
There was a series of programmes about undertakers on the TV last year. One programme featured a London firm of Muslim undertakers (run by a very efficient young woman). The Muslims have the right idea about funerals, it seemed to me. There is no separate service to pay for - the coffin is taken to the mosque and a prayer for the deceased is said by the imam during the normal prayers. Then it's off to the cemetery, where the male relatives have dug the grave themselves (more money saved). Incidentally no women are allowed at the funeral.

Once a prayer has been said at the graveside, a hinged flap in the coffin is opened, and the body which has been sewn into a simple shroud is removed and laid in the grave, lying on its side, facing Mecca. Then the male relatives fill in the grave and the coffin is returned to the undertakers for re-use (more money saved). All this happens within 24 hours - sooner if possible. The whole set up may seem alien to our culture, but it certainly has the advantage of simplicity and economy.

13th Mar 2014, 20:22
There are rules, but mostly commonsense ones about not polluting watercourses, burying at least a certain depth below ground, not burying until the coroner has given consent, and the like. I'm supposed to know all that stuff and make sure the rules are followed. The one that scares the funeral director most is when I check the name on the plate on the coffin against the name of the person I'm supposed to be burying. It has been known for the two not to match...

I don't get paid for doing funerals, but (as of last year) the church authorities charge for using me - something to do with the cost of training me and keeping me in good working order, I think. There's a charge for use of the church, to cover lighting/heating/cleaning and the like. If you want organist, choir, bellringers, flowers, etc then those are paid-for options.

The funeral directors I know are not rolling in money. They provide a sympathetic and helpful service, they get it very right (apart from one that I won't name), and do what they do well. There are quite a few man-hours in the process. There may be some rogues, but most are honest professionals.

Yes, the coffin is burned at a cremation, but when the process is over I doubt there's much wood ash left. The contents of the urn are not a lot.

13th Mar 2014, 20:38
Thanks for that info Tankertrashnav. I don't see much about Muslim funerals that would upset any Christians here. Allow the presence of women at the funeral (don't worry about which way the body is facing - even more economy?), and I think that "most of us" would consider our (eventual) funerals to be managed by a "Muslim-origin" undertaker.

Apart from all the "extras", doesn't (shouldn't?) a 6ft x 6ft x 3ft plot in the ground cost the same in UK (whether it's a Muslim or Christian body)? I always thought it was the huge cost of the plot in the ground which resulted in all the cremations these days (my dad and mum included)?

I was also going to add something along the lines of "well, what does happen to all the gold in the teeth?" after cremation. Or, "how about using the waste heat generated during and afterwards towards heating the local swimming pool?". But then I thought, uhmmmm, no.

PS. The funeral directors I know are not rolling in money. But the hearses they usually use are "custom-built" by "coach-builders" for the purpose, easily doubling the cost of a standard "off the mass-assembly line" Renault Trafic van...?! I'd be quite happy being carried away in one. But that might upset all the understandably fragile leftovers who usually pay the bill. Especially when given the choice of, and perhaps in some way being made to feel cheap by the inter-locuteurs. Whatever, under-taking is a constantly-growing market. It's a wonder why the UK school careers agency doesn't promote the profession...?!

Effluent Man
13th Mar 2014, 20:51
My friends dad wanted to be planted in his garden.When he pegged it my mate went to the local council to ask permission.They hummed and harred.Then he said that dad was a muslim and needed to be buried by sunset.They gave him the chit there and then.Old John was an atheist btw.

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 21:05
Tibetans had the best idea just leave the late you lying out on the bare mountain for the Vultures to eat.
Dont think we can leave our bodies to science now which was always a good deal for us skinflints.

John Hill
13th Mar 2014, 21:06
I want my ashes mixed with gunpowder and packed in a rocket to be fired over the blue Pacific Ocean.:)

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 21:09
I would like to be buried on top of 47 politicians.:rolleyes:

13th Mar 2014, 21:49
Keef- I was led to believe any UK cremations the body was removed from the coffin prior??

I'm not doubting you at all, afterall you are busied in that dept sometimes.

Is there any standard / normal time between the curtains closing on the coffin and the actual time of the cremation? Minutes / hours? Just curious.

13th Mar 2014, 22:07
A couple of years ago an uncle died (good age, 95). As I'd worked on his farm as a lad (school holiday job) I went to the funeral to pay my respects. As I was walking to the (tiny) rural church, my cousin drove past in his pick up truck, with a tarp thrown over the back. He parked by the church and asked me if "I'd give him a hand getting dad out of the back". An impromptu band of pall bearers was gathered, and we carried our much loved friend/uncle/father/grandfather on his final journey, with his favourite hat and pipe on top of his wicker coffin.

No undertakers were involved, my cousin had picked his dad up directly from the mortuary, together with the burial certificate, and we all did the best we could to carry him in to the church, then out again to his final resting place, overlooking the valley he'd farmed all his life, and his father before him.

We then all went off to his favourite pub (where the barley he grew had gone to make their beer) and had a damned good time.

It remains the most memorable funeral I've been to, and had no official intervention from funeral directors and their ilk at all. Even the service was laid back, with three generations of family recalling fond memories, and no formal ceremony as such. The most memorable thing was that, as we went to carry him out to his final resting place from the church, several butterflies rose up and flew around the inside of the tiny church, whilst his great grandchildren rang the church bells.

When I go I hope that someone will care enough to arrange something similar, if anyone thinks enough of me to go to so much trouble to avoid officialdom.

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 22:08
Spent a month installing a new sound system in a working crem,never saw anybody go in unpackaged, remember to most disquieting thing that occurred, we had all the gear fo the job stashed in a secure lockup storeroom because the site was awash with thieving contractors and builders.
One day the manager approached and told I would have to take all the gear out of his storeroom as soon as possible and stash it elsewhere because he was expecting a delivery of 250,000 body bags.:uhoh:
Buggah! said I what are you lot expecting to happen,he did not answer but hurried away with a very worried look on his face.
This was a few years ago but for those interested and might wish to move out of the area it was Aklam Crem in Middlesbrough.

13th Mar 2014, 22:14
"delivery of 250,000 body bags."

250,000 ???????

Jesus Christ that is a lot.

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 22:20
The storeroom was big enough,come to think that bit of paper I signed might have meant I'm not supposed to tell anybody about this.
Best delete this Draper.:uhoh:

Nervous SLF
13th Mar 2014, 22:39
We both want to be cremated and If SWMBO goes before me then her ashes will be scattered next to the washing line.
That will be with her full agreement. However I am sure that I will pop off before her and I have told her she can do
what she likes with my ashes :)

As for our funerals well hers will be a modest affair with about 20-30 or so plus undertaker etc whereas mine will be very
small with only about 8-10 including the undertaker etc :) ( As you can probably guess I only have a couple of friends )

tony draper
13th Mar 2014, 22:43
The way things are going with Russia cremation is a good possibility for us all:uhoh:

Capn Notarious
13th Mar 2014, 23:11
~Cor that was a thread stopper Mr Draper~

13th Mar 2014, 23:24
I understand "where you're coming from" Admiral. :ok:

Perhaps "befitting" all the others who today might remain ignorant of one's own deeds and contributions to humanity...?!

But apparently even vultures are a very endangered species today. Not just in the UK but in Asia and Africa (I leave you to google why).

Myself, I'd be content to be burned off on a funeral pyre (not necessarily by the Ganges), like the American Indians that you're most familiar with perhaps.

What I definitely do not wish is for 17 year old medical students, organisations which collect vital organs etc. (or whatever) to use my remains as if they were no more than mere bones and rotting flesh...?! Unless I'm much mistaken, there exists an important trade in cadavers, not always well-regulated or controlled. I think many obtain some profit from this trading (often camouflaged as something more palatable), beginning with your local hospital and undertakers...

13th Mar 2014, 23:27
I suspect Keef has hit the nail on the head. I'm sure they're are rogue funeral directors, as their are nurses, vicars and pprune'rs.

From memory, I seem to remember that there is an extra "layer" of accountability for funeral directors (code of conduct ?) that places a barrier between the traditional family business and the "quick buck" guy's.

I've met a few of 'em over the years, always refreshing to see how cheery they are :-)

13th Mar 2014, 23:30
and PPRuNe'rs.

Shirley not!

Well, whatever the cost, at least we can thank funerals for this...

Franz Schubert : Totengraeberlied - YouTube


13th Mar 2014, 23:50
I wonder if anyone would believe me if I said that - 12 years ago - matelots on certain deployments stashed bodybags under their pits - for bodybags read - larger rectangular thick binbags.

14th Mar 2014, 00:05
Digressing ever so slightly, but many moons ago I was at a function with amongst others, a Funeral Director and his wife, and she drew the most attention because she wore more rings than an ancient Californian Redwood.

She had multiple rings on every finger of both hands, and they looked like older more traditional than modern, with the conclusion amongst the group I was with that she was probably the last one to close the coffin.:hmm::hmm::hmm:

14th Mar 2014, 00:34
The way things are going with Russia cremation is a good possibility for us all:uhoh:

Cue more music. Not Schubert, admittedly, but Tom Lehrer!


and then


14th Mar 2014, 02:07
Cremation is the only option in most cities these days because the churchyards are full. I'm lucky in that this little rural corner has room for a few more centuries of burials yet at the current rate.

Cremation isn't my special subject - when the curtains close, I'm just about done. My understanding is that the cremation is pretty much immediate - certainly the same day. The coffin goes in too, which is why cremation coffins can't have brass handles and fittings.

There are strict rules about what happens with ashes, gold, etc. I remember when I had my "backstage tour" seeing some very large signs up making it very clear to everyone exactly what must be done.

14th Mar 2014, 02:47
Don't think we can leave our bodies to science now which was always a good deal for us skinflints

Maybe varies according to the area and if you have an arrangement with a teaching hospital? I don't know, but my eldest brother who is approaching the final stages of lung cancer, has given his remains to, I think, the hospital but could be a university.

14th Mar 2014, 03:42
Seems similar to what happens here in the US :ugh: About 10 years back, a friend's Mom died uninsured, the family were all in dire circumstances financially which they made clear to the funeral folks- so much so that they were told to not expect full payment for as much as a year, and of course it had to be as cheap as possible. US$1200 did the whole thing with a local Church donating it's services and building for free and the ashes delivered to family in a cardboard box. At that time the cost of an average funeral and burial here was quoted in the local newspaper at US$15K, with elaborate ones easily doubling that. Over ten times as much just to have a marked hole in the ground and a religious service, none of which you're around to see when it happens :}

After offering their generic condolences, funeral parlors here ask if the deceased was insured, and always make certain to find out how much insurance there was so they can grab as much of it as they can. Costs for very similar services vary a lot based on the amount of insurance held, and they will all tell you that it's the very best price they can give you- all lies of course, right from the very start when they gave condolences while silently thinking "more partying money!":suspect:

Wills are another matter; if you die without one here the State takes 20% of the estate even if there is adequate insurance and they incur no costs :ouch: Indigent burials by the State cost around US$1700 as of last year (taken from public records as part of a News investigation), which seems about right compared to my old friends Mom. Then their vultures go to work seeking the closest living relative who will be billed for that $1700 or so plus the cost of finding them (which can run into the thousands being that it's done by State personnel), and the State will seize your assets to get it :}

The best approach here is to have everything paid for before it happens, which you can do with all but costs for services and the engraving of dates on headstones, and it can be usually done in installments. A basic legal will keeps the State from ripping you off; self-done ones sold in kit form for under $20.

There have been many news investigations into these businesses and many problems unearthed with the State always saying they are going to fix things which they never do. There was even a crematorium that had about 100 unburned bodies on ice- all paid for and ashes given to relatives- some having been there well over a year. Nobody knows what the ashes given to the families were. Had they paid their electric bill the refrigeration wouldn't have gone out and the scam would have continued undiscovered, I'm sure. The State also recently closed down a discount casket store after receiving complaints from morticians that it was illegal under State law for anyone but a licensed funeral home to sell caskets. When their doors were closed, local casket prices literally doubled overnight, all knowing that they then had everyone by the short and curlys. I had a relative die during that time-frame, and only the many personal assurances of bad things happening to them caused the funeral home to honor their quoted casket price from the week before. My kinfolk on that side have a rather nasty reputation so they knew we weren't playing games :oh:

It costs too much to be born. It costs too much to live. And it costs far too much to die. And all for what? In a couple centuries or less (and for most of us a lot less) nobody is going to know or care one bit about you or me wherever whatever is left of us is at. But I'll bet they will face similar costs, similar problems, and be making the same complaints that we are now because laws condoning greed will never stop.

14th Mar 2014, 03:45
"After offering their generic condolences, funeral parlors here ask if the deceased was insured, and always make certain to find out how much insurance there was so they can grab as much of it as they can."

Never met a poor funeral home owner yet !

14th Mar 2014, 04:02
I am a believer in the "Death with Dignity" concept. So would like to feel that I would be able, when I feel my time has come hopefully in Winter, to wander off into some large forest with spade in hand. Dig me a hole in a nice spot, lie down, take some pills, drag some bracken and stuff over me, and drift off.

Perhaps to be found years later by some itinerant lone walker. Said walker choosing to make a small cairn with available rocks and then walk on, forgetting to tell anyone of their discovery.

14th Mar 2014, 04:07

May I make a suggestion. Take someone with you or get someone to come to where you did it not long after and bury you. Animals in this country tend to do the deed on you faster than decomposing at the same time as spreading bits of you far and wide.

For me, cremation.

14th Mar 2014, 04:16
Wasn't planning on doing it here. Preferably some cold inhospitable region of Tasmania, perhaps. Although preferred choice might be a forest in Scotland. That's if they still have forests in Scotland. Couldn't think of anything worse than some daggy tropical rainforest in Oz. Given the choice I would far rather be scoffed by wolves than worms.


Pinky the pilot
14th Mar 2014, 05:28
Had to organise my Mother's funeral just over a year ago.:sad: Church service and straight out into the grave yard. Just over $5,000.

A number of years ago a good friend decided for some reason it was all too much and drank himself to death. He had organised his own 'send off' as it were.

After a secular funeral service he was cremated and the ashes taken to the local airfield. I taxied the glider tug (Pawnee with a 250hp engine) over to a spot on the airfield and shut down.

His ashes were put onto a large sheet of timber, placed under the Pawnee's tail wheel and I stood on the brakes with stick held hard back and started up!

It took about three minutes at 2200rpm to blow the ashes far and wide.:ooh:

I won't put here how the exercise was described.:E
And it was the deceased who described it thus!

14th Mar 2014, 06:35
I told my family to burn me and give a sea funeral......
If too expensive, I know they will flush me down the bowl........:sad:

tony draper
14th Mar 2014, 09:14
Wonder what happened to the idea that did the rounds a while back of dead folks being buried vertically to save space,quite like the idea of heading for the hereafter standing up.

Nervous SLF
14th Mar 2014, 09:21
Wonder what happened to the idea that did the rounds a while back of dead folks being buried vertically to save space,quite like the idea of heading for the hereafter standing up.

Didn't some Irish bloke who runs an airline want to have his passengers standing up so he could make more money
by loading more on board?

Pinky the pilot
14th Mar 2014, 10:20
dead folks being buried vertically to save space,quite like the idea of heading for the hereafter standing up.

Herr Draper;There was a bikie movie* made here in Australia in the 1970's which featured a Satanist bikie gang:eek: that buried its dead members standing up so they 'didn't take any s**t from the devil lying down.':=

* Movie was called Stone

14th Mar 2014, 11:18
Wasn't planning on doing it here. Preferably some cold inhospitable region of TasmaniaIn view of 500N's comment and the local wildlife in that area, you really could expect to meet the devil fairly quickly.

14th Mar 2014, 11:18
We had an open day at the Melbourne Cricket Ground recently where the public were allowed to wander wherever they like on the grounds. A rather significant number of people had this covert idea of filling their pockets with dad's or granddad's ashes and spreading them over the pitch.

Most of them fulfilled their lost one's dying wish (or finally got to dispose of that urn) much to the consternation of the owners.

14th Mar 2014, 11:51
I've had no recent experience of organising a funeral, but I did get some interesting glances when I took a coffin I'd made (complete with wine racks) 400 km down the Hume Hwy on the roof racks.

14th Mar 2014, 12:37
In view of 500N's comment and the local wildlife in that area, you really could expect to meet the devil fairly quickly.


Yes, was thinking of that.

14th Mar 2014, 13:36
Speaking of funerals always reminds me of the anecdote/legend related to me by a traveller/commercial salesman in the 1970's - which probably has its roots in the early motoring age - although he related it an entertaining manner that involved near-relatives. I see the legend made its way onto the Snopes site.

snopes.com: Granny on the Roof Rack (http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/deadgranny.asp)

Salesman related that these relatives took a long road trip with Grandma in the back seat, and along the way, she passed away, to their consternation. Not wanting to share the interior of the car with a decomposing carcass, it was hurriedly decided they would wrap her up in a blanket and tie her to the roof rack, and continue the journey.

A little further along, the family stopped at a motel or roadhouse to eat - and during the eating interval, the car was stolen!!
Consternation was added to concern upon this finding, so they employed a local to transport them, to try and find the stolen vehicle.
He related with delight, how they found the stolen vehicle abandoned only a few miles down the road - with all doors open, and with granny partly uncovered - and with footsteps, 10' apart, leading away from it!! :) :D

Urban legend or otherwise, this bloke made a good piece of storytelling out of it. :)

tony draper
14th Mar 2014, 13:52
Like the story of that bloke walking through a cemetery at night,he falls into a newly dug open grave invisible in the darkness,when he recovers his wits he tries to get out but it is to deep for him to reach the top and as he sits recovering his breath footsteps approach and lo another bloke tumbles into the hole and immediately tries to jump up and scramble out.
You'll never get out that way says the first bloke.
But he did.:uhoh:

The old ones is the best :rolleyes:

Capn Notarious
14th Mar 2014, 14:02
The other is the story of a drunkard; who takes a detour via the cemetery on his way home from the hostelry.
Due to this short cut, he falls in a pre-dug grave.
Following morning:- "Resurrection day and I'm the first one up".

14th Mar 2014, 14:05
Your local Medical School will always be on the prowl for fresh cadavers for their anatomy classes...


14th Mar 2014, 14:13
My sister-in-law's grandfather died in 2010. Great guy, but he hated a fuss and wasting money, so...

He prepaid for his own cremation - no service or anything. His body was just moved from the morgue to the crematorium one evening. She had the ashes put in the favorite of his Beer-Stein collection.

All his remaining money, he left for a huge party to occur on the 1 Year Anniversary of his death - for all his friends / family.

And celebrate WE DID!!!!!

Best funeral ever. :ok:

14th Mar 2014, 14:48
superq7 said I have a question about burials, How long is the body in the ground before it before it rots away to nothing ?
All is revealed here (http://forensics4fiction.com/2011/12/10/the-five-stages-of-decomposition/)

P6 Driver
14th Mar 2014, 15:01
Funeral bought and paid for over ten years ago (Co-op). What could go wrong with that plan...

14th Mar 2014, 15:02
Living close to a river, I have on occasion encountered small parties scattering the ashes of their parents (he an angler and she to keep him company).
Only yesterday, (whilst litterpicking), I came across ashes scattered in a sheltered spot.

I just wish the people would take away the plastic jar that grandad was brought in . . .

14th Mar 2014, 15:57
I am a believer in the "Death with Dignity" concept. So would like to feel that I would be able, when I feel my time has come hopefully in Winter, to wander off into some large forest with spade in hand. Dig me a hole in a nice spot, lie down, take some pills, drag some bracken and stuff over me, and drift off.

For that to work here, you'd need a CAT Excavator. Frost is 7' into the ground this Winter. Like concrete.

Think I'd just paddle off on Lake Superior - except that is frozen over this year for only the second time in 40 years... :eek: Nice time-lapse image att.

Watch the Great Lakes Freeze Over - TIME (http://time.com/9480/great-lakes-frozen-time-lapse-video/)

14th Mar 2014, 16:29
I have been told by members of the Permanent Way Gang on the West Somerset that they quite regularly find a pile of ash on the tracks while doing the check walks.

This tends to be where someone has intimated that they would like their ashes scattered on the railway and the relatives have no idea how to do this so they take the urn down to the nearest crossing and empty it on the tracks.

Upsets the gangers somewhat though, finding the piles of ash. (And, for anyone thinking about it, phone the railway office - it may well be possible to do it properly and scatter the ashes from a train).

cockney steve
14th Mar 2014, 16:38
Whatever, under-taking is a constantly-growing market. It's a wonder why the UK school careers agency doesn't promote the profession...?!

Pah!...It's a dead-end job, with no future,innit.:}

tony draper
14th Mar 2014, 16:47
Yer but they will all be out of work after the Rapture, but I think that's only going to happen in America.
Hmm, gonna be a huge empty continent going free with lots of infrastructure in place will just everything turned on again,if we get there first we could be on a winner.
Hmmm, after all we got there first last time around

14th Mar 2014, 23:55
ricardian, thanks for the link after reading that I think I'll plump for being cremated, Stuart.

15th Mar 2014, 00:03
When I was working in the British Civil Service a young lad with a heart of gold arrived in the office. One afternoon in a quiet spell he came up to me and said, very confidentially, "You've had a lot of heartache in your life lately, haven't you?"
This puzzled me so I asked what he meant. He said "You've been to a funeral almost every week for the past couple of months, it must be heartbreaking for you."
He was quite upset when I explained that I was the organist at the local church and I had no connection with any of the deceased.

tony draper
15th Mar 2014, 00:07
Some believe you should return your elements and essences back to the Earth from whence they were borrowed,suppose something of the dept you owe must be lost in being reduced to ash.

15th Mar 2014, 00:32
Oh I don't know, Tony, wot goes round comes round, as they say. If one is turned to ash & smoke, one's elements just take another route.
'tis said that every time one inhales, the lungful contains three molecules of Napoleon's last breath.
Makesyerfink. (if yer of simple mind like me, anyway.)

tony draper
15th Mar 2014, 01:17
Well one did say 'some believe' Mr Jim, not necessarily me.
One is still opting for mummification and a huge pyramid.
Them Egyptians might have been on to summat,:rolleyes: