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G&T ice n slice
3rd Feb 2014, 18:19
Can't understand your man? That's because he's speaking 'Menglish' - here's how you can be fluent too | Mail Online (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2550918/Cant-understand-man-Thats-hes-speaking-Menglish-heres-fluent-too.html)


sheesh.....

1. Don't expect your man to multitask.

translated - don't whine about the wipers on the car leaving the windscreen smeary whilst the poor guy is halfway up the roof fixing the leak in the middle of storm 10 conditions

2. Remember the 30 second rule.
If you ask a man for his opinion or how he feels he is likely to take his time to answer. Women are mostly run by their feelings ......

translated - (a) he's trying to remember your name or (b) trying to remember why he thought you looked so good last night (c) trying to remember where he left the car

3. Men are problem solvers.

It can be frustrating when you tell your man about your bad day ....

translated : he's hoping you haven't wrecked the car again

4. Men have limited capacity for detail.
Women see details.......

translated : men don't give a cuss what colour it is - there are only 4 colours
yellow, green, red, blue.

5. Donít expect your man to magically know what you need.

translated : sheesh he's bought you a washer, dryer, ironing board, iron what else do you need?

6. Men thrive on appreciation.

translated : once in a while we would appreciate it if you shut up for 5 minutes

7. Men are providers.

Translated : dear gawd we do, we provide and provide and provide and provide and then just to spite you we drop dead from overwork

8. Men need you to be receptive.
translated: sex

9. Men want to make you happy.
translated: Especially if it keeps you quiet for 5 minutes when the footies on telly

10. Confidence, the number one quality a man looks for in his ideal woman

Your man feels genuinely sad when he sees you beating yourself up or saying how fat your stomach is, how frizzy or flat your hair is, or how you wish you were slimmer, fitter, younger or more attractive.

Translated : we wish you were slimmer, fitter, younger or more attractive.

Capetonian
3rd Feb 2014, 18:39
Another thing about women wittering on.

Both my brothers-in-law and a couple of friends have commented on this, so it must be fairly widespread.

Our women folk have the utterly infuriating habit of talking to us from the other side of the house, down the corridor, or when we're brushing our teeth, showering, shaving. or doing something else which is likely to make it difficult for us to hear.

Maybe it's just a clever tactic so that they can say : "But I told you, and you've forgotten/weren't listening ......"

I have told Mrs. CPT that if she can't see my face while she's talking to me, I can't hear her. I have been telling her this for years. It's like pissing into the wind.

Shaggy Sheep Driver
3rd Feb 2014, 19:12
If anyone ever tells you that men can't multi-task, point them at Concorde's flight engineer panel.

Lonewolf_50
3rd Feb 2014, 19:17
sheesh.....
I wonder if the Mail will print or publish the root cause.

In the spirit of this thread and the linked article, an old adage:

The reason that the Good Lord provided women with two sets of lips is so that they could piss and moan at the same time.

@ Capetonian:

My missus has the same habit, and I offer the same advice. If you don't have my attention already, anything you say won't get past the hearing loss from jet noise. Make sure you have my attention before you say something to me.

As you said, I get wet when I piss into the wind.

surely not
3rd Feb 2014, 19:28
Yup, another vote for the lunacy of a woman talking in her normal voice even though she is several rooms away from you and you quite likely have another noise closer to you blocking her out!! Mrs SN is very good at doing this and also very good at not taking any notice when it is pointed out.

probes
3rd Feb 2014, 19:59
bah! the first vote for the lunacy of a man claiming not to hear me because I speak too quietly (or fast or something, whatever) and then hearing - from the next room - what I say to the dog. That has nothing to do with him whatsoever. :E
AND he is stupid enough to comment on what I had told the dog. :p

Rwy in Sight
3rd Feb 2014, 20:09
My former dear boss used to tell about males (after a long marriage) developed a selective hearing capability thus limiting what they (can or want to) hear from their wives.

Rwy in Sight

Mechta
3rd Feb 2014, 20:11
1. Don't expect your man to multitask.
He doesn't need to; men prioritise...

Old, I know, but IMHO, still good.

kms901
3rd Feb 2014, 20:12
Wait 30 seonds for a reply ! Women are incapable of staying silent for 30 seconds !

Mine is claiming I havent listened to her this evening. Probably because I have been wearing headphones so that she can watch the television.

PinkusDickus
3rd Feb 2014, 20:20
Both my brothers-in-law and a couple of friends have commented on this, so it must be fairly widespread.

Our women folk have the utterly infuriating habit of talking to us from the other side of the house, down the corridor, or when we're brushing our teeth, showering, shaving. or doing something else which is likely to make it difficult for us to hear.

Maybe it's just a clever tactic so that they can say : "But I told you, and you've forgotten/weren't listening ......"

I have told Mrs. CPT that if she can't see my face while she's talking to me, I can't hear her. I have been telling her this for years. It's like pissing into the wind.

My wife has the habit of trying to speak to me as a 737 flies directly over at 1,100 ft on approach to the local airport.

Could it be our wives are related?

ChrisVJ
3rd Feb 2014, 20:27
Mrs VJ is convinced I suffer from hearing loss, especially when she tells me something while she is using the bullet mixer.
On the other hand she actually doesn't need a telephone when she's talking to daughter who is two continents away in the middle of the most important part of a TV program.

SpringHeeledJack
3rd Feb 2014, 20:37
As has been pointed out, if my (our) attention is switched 'ON' then I can hear, but extraneous noises/distractions/whatever blunt my hearing. I also find the fashion to speak quickly and to swallow words, greatly practised by younger American actors, to negatively impair one's hearing thingamijigs. The ladeez just love emoting, and there's not a thing we can do about it :hmm::} What did some wise person say ? Less is more :)

Multitasking is, in most cases a fallacy and when the fairer sex trumpet that they can wonderfully operate on 3 levels simultaneously whilst watching TV and phoning, then I must with respect disagree. One thing at a time, then the next and so on will bring good results, even if a rotation between the tasks is necessary. A very capable friend once opined "multi tasking is the practice of doing several things badly at once" and over the years I would wholeheartedly agree.



SHJ

Low Flier
3rd Feb 2014, 20:41
Jack Dee nailed it on QI:

?v=-I3qREbKqLw

chevvron
3rd Feb 2014, 20:43
My missus has a 'thing' about tv adverts being too loud. During breaks, she turns the volume down on the remote, then when the programme resumes, moans that she can't hear it. I regret teaching her how to use the remote now.
She also likes sitting in the kitchen listening to the radio during the day. Problem is, the kitchen has no fixed heating and unless the cooker is on, it's cold this time of year, but she'd rather sit there and moan about the cold than move a few feet to the dining room which has a huge radiator.

Hydromet
3rd Feb 2014, 20:46
Multitasking is, in most cases a fallacy and when the fairer sex trumpet that they can wonderfully operate on 3 levels simultaneously whilst watching TV and phoning, then I must with respect disagree. One thing at a time, then the next and so on will bring good results, even if a rotation between the tasks is necessary. A very capable friend once opined "multi tasking is the practice of doing several things badly at once" and over the years I would wholeheartedly agree.Perzactly. How do you think the saying "A woman's work is never done." originated?

My wife is another who insists on talking when she knows that I can't hear her because I'm in another room/the (noisy) kettle is on/I am doing something that requires concentration.
She also watches the commercials in silence, but insists on talking when the news is on. She will also ask a question about something on TV, at exactly the time her question is being answered, so that neither of us will hear the answer.

Capetonian
3rd Feb 2014, 21:01
My wife is another who insists on talking when she knows that I can't hear her because I'm in another room/the (noisy) kettle is on/I am doing something that requires concentration.
She also watches the commercials in silence, but insists on talking when the news is on. She will also ask a question about something on TV, at exactly the time her question is being answered, so that neither of us will hear the answer. I didn't know mine had a twin.

FullOppositeRudder
3rd Feb 2014, 21:08
My wife is another who insists on talking when she knows that I can't hear her because I'm in another room/the (noisy) kettle is on/I am doing something that requires concentration.
She also watches the commercials in silence, but insists on talking when the news is on. She will also ask a question about something on TV, at exactly the time her question is being answered, so that neither of us will hear the answer.And I've been think all along that I must be the only one on the planet with this particular challenge :sad:

Thank you all. I feel better now. I am not alone. :rolleyes:

Mechta
3rd Feb 2014, 22:01
The ex had an annoying habit of talking incessantly in the car, especially when I was driving in heavy traffic in unfamiliar locations. On one occasion, when entering a particularly busy roundabout, I even,without any conscious thought, tried tried turning the radio's volume control down, as some part of my brain decided it would shut her up and let me concentrate. :O

Capetonian
3rd Feb 2014, 22:07
On the happy though that this I even,without any conscious thought, tried tried turning the radio's volume control down, as some part of my brain decided it would shut her up and let me concentrate.might one day be possible, I shall retire!

ExSp33db1rd
3rd Feb 2014, 22:25
Then there's that cartoon of the Caveman, dragging his wife along the ground by her hair, and saying to his mates " I've just taught her to talk, do you think that's a mistake ? "

ricardian
3rd Feb 2014, 22:36
On BBC Radio 4 "Today" programme the presenters tend to mumble during the breaks between items - most annoying to someone like me who has a bit of HF deafness

SARF
3rd Feb 2014, 22:39
I've always found my wife's inability to keep something 'she considers important' to herself highly amusing.. the need to tell me whatever it is as a matter or urgency no matter what i am doing is paramount.. my fave is when she has to tell me how much her mother has just annoyed her my imparting a load of bolloxs to her over the phone. there is a stage when this influx of bolloxes can stop its just not with a female

BenThere
3rd Feb 2014, 22:44
Maybe it's the lingering Australian accent, or maybe it's her beautiful blue eyes, but the sound of my wife's voice still quickens the pulse.

500N
3rd Feb 2014, 22:45
"my fave is when she has to tell me how much her mother has just annoyed her my imparting a load of bolloxs to her over the phone."

My GF has the same problem.


Although I have the other problem of talking to her from another room while she is at the sink with the tap on or next to a washing machine that is going.

tdracer
3rd Feb 2014, 22:51
Wife, from other side of house, asks something - can't make it out.
I say "What?", begin walking in her general direction.
Wife repeats question
This time I'm able to make it out, stop walking, and respond with the answer.
Wife says "What?"
I respond with the answer in a louder tone of voice, resuming walking in her direction.
Wife says "What?"
I repeat answer in a really loud voice.
Wife responds "DON'T YELL AT ME!"
:mad::mad::mad:
:ugh::ugh::ugh::ugh:

ExSp33db1rd
3rd Feb 2014, 23:51
I repeat answer in a really loud voice.
Wife responds "DON'T YELL AT ME!"

Funny that, I thought it was just me ?

Airey Belvoir
4th Feb 2014, 00:37
Has anyone ever noticed that when you yawn it actually makes you deaf momentarily?


That's why I get into trouble for not "hearing" things that the galactic ruleress has said - it's probably because I'm bored.

500N
4th Feb 2014, 00:39
I'm so deaf, any back ground noise whatsoever makes hearing anyone quite hard.
Even clearly hearing what is on the TV is straining.

dubbleyew eight
4th Feb 2014, 00:50
I had the problem of wife talking to me in a soft voice while facing the other way across a busy highway etc etc.
I bought one of these coffee cups.

http://rlv.zcache.ca/funny_hearing_postcard-raf45e8bc33174eccbae6b8f5e622f88a_vgbaq_8byvr_512.jpg

....got the message!

Sunnyjohn
4th Feb 2014, 00:51
I have told Mrs. CPT that if she can't see my face while she's talking to me, I can't hear her. I have been telling her this for years. It's like pissing into the wind. Like FullOppositeRudder, I now feel so much better; I, too, thought I was alone with this problem.

Sunnyjohn
4th Feb 2014, 00:58
We shop regularly at a large department store which is about twenty minutes walk away along a very busy and noisy road, during which journey Mrs SJ chats while usually walking just in front so I fail to hear much of her conversation. Sometimes we get the bus, which is usually very quiet or silent and during which journey she says not one word.

belfrybat
4th Feb 2014, 01:04
She puttering in the garden, me reading.
"Bat."
"Yes?"
"Bat."
"Yes?"
"Bat."
"Yes?"
"Bat."
"YES?"
Deadly silence. I get up and see whatsit she wanted. "I don't want anything, you YELLED at me!"
:ooh:

Nervous SLF
4th Feb 2014, 01:43
Thank you all so much, again I thought it was only me suffering from this :ok: I was told that it is very annoying when I don't answer
her instantly. The fact that sometimes I am thinking about a reply ( if I actually heard her ) isn't a good enough reason. I shall try the
"if you can't see my face I can't hear you" but I suspect, like others have found, that that won't work either. :(

ExSp33db1rd
4th Feb 2014, 02:23
I frequently annoy Mrs. ExS by interrupting during her discourse - Life's too short.

500N
4th Feb 2014, 02:28
"The fact that sometimes I am thinking about a reply"

I got yeld at for that the other day :rolleyes:

I was thinking about what she said so she got told to hold on in no uncertain terms.

Like everyone else, I am glad I am not the only one, even if I am guilty of doing some of the things myself !

Roj approved
4th Feb 2014, 02:43
I get in trouble for not listening, because I'm usually not.

And if she asks me what I'm thinking, I have to make up and answer, because "wondering if I could see your Boobs" apparently isn't appropriate :o

Oh, and it's not "multi tasking", it's "multi starting", nothing ever gets finished. :confused:

SpringHeeledJack
4th Feb 2014, 05:47
Oh, and it's not "multi tasking", it's "multi starting", nothing ever gets finished

:ugh::mad::hmm: There's not much more annoying (well there is of course!) than loads of started, but unfinished tasks all around the home. Perhaps it's more of a male thing, cos there's no black and white, but starting, completing and finishing a task brings about a deep satisfaction to me. Toilet cleaning and other yukky jobs notwithstanding.



SHJ

beaufort1
4th Feb 2014, 07:45
Glad I read this thread, it seems to be a near Universal constant in regard our ladies engaging in conversations three rooms away or when us men are needing to concentrate on some task or other. :)

MagnusP
4th Feb 2014, 07:50
Correct, beaufort1, they're not born, they're cloned and then trained telepathically or summat to be so alike in many ways.

Besides, if they were as good at multitasking as they claim, then what's so difficult about having sex and a headache at the same time?

donderwolkje
4th Feb 2014, 07:59
They talk, dont listen and make descisions based on no knowledge, no experience,and no idea.
no wonder we are in trouble
Cheers....

dubbleyew eight
4th Feb 2014, 08:02
women, as lovely as their shapely bodies are, are actually insecure little creatures.
they try to reassure themselves by insisting on being the focus of your attention.
hence we get the softly spoken speech 5 miles away across a busy freeway on the basis of "you would have heard me if you loved me."

we had the specific discussion one day where this 'I'd be the focus of your attention if you loved me' bollocks came out.
I said something like ' for you to be the focus of my attention all the time you would have to be machinable on my lathe or a part needing repair on one of my restorations.'
I'm still wondering when the silence over that one will break.:E:E:E

Airey Belvoir
4th Feb 2014, 08:07
I told the galactic ruleress about this thread and informed her that, in future, "if she can't see my face then I can't hear her".

In Bunnings this afternoon all I got, in a loud voice, was, "Look at me when I'm talking!"

Yer can't bloody win with 'em:sad:

Lon More
4th Feb 2014, 08:17
My ex Always insisted on talking after sex; eventually it got so bad I left the Phone in the car.

One small mercy is women don't fart because they never stop talking long enough to build up pressure

belfrybat
4th Feb 2014, 08:25
The pause for thought thing, don't get me started.
She: "Let's do this or that".
I give the logistics of it about ten microseconds of thought, but that's enough.
"Oh, if you don't want to, let's not"!"
:sad:

chevvron
4th Feb 2014, 08:35
I start to tell her something important and after 2 seconds get either:
A) What?
or
B) Ssh I'm listening to the radio.

Lon More
4th Feb 2014, 08:51
I bet she'd hear you if you said, "Your sister is better in bed than you."


Look at me when I'm talking to you!

http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/jnauTQN.jpg

MagnusP
4th Feb 2014, 09:04
"Your sister is better in bed than you."

The well-known Rodeo Sex. :ok:

radeng
4th Feb 2014, 12:02
MagnusP

>Besides, if they were as good at multitasking as they claim, then what's so difficult about having sex and a headache at the same time?<

I was acquainted with a young lady who claimed the best cure for a headache for her WAS to have sex! I never seemed to be around when she a headache, unfortunately......

Seldomfitforpurpose
4th Feb 2014, 12:27
I have told Mrs. CPT that if she can't see my face while she's talking to me, I can't hear her. I have been telling her this for years. It's like pissing into the wind.

I spent the last 25 years of my RAF time either strapped to a Puma main rotor Gearbox or sat inside a C130K/J so just like you unless I am looking at folk when they speak it's often lost in the background noise.

My good lady knows this but like yours fails to use that knowledge :ugh:

Ancient Mariner
4th Feb 2014, 12:48
I must be one very lucky person then, same wife for more than 40 years, she don't like shopping, she don't talk too much and she realises that my hearing is somewhat reduced after 16 years spent in engine rooms.
We frequently fly long hauls and we can do a 12 hour trip without hardly exchanging a word. I must have done something right.
Per

MagnusP
4th Feb 2014, 13:14
Radeng, I also was aquainted with such an angel, but alas, she was my wife's best friend. :(

Rwy in Sight
4th Feb 2014, 20:07
I am not sure if I should put it here or in the joke thread, a guy offers to her girlfriend a glass of water and a painkiller. She points out she does not have a headache, so he says: ok then let's have sex since you don't have a headache as usual.

Rwy in Sight

Lonewolf_50
4th Feb 2014, 20:28
I am not sure if I should put it here or in the joke thread, a guy offers to her girlfriend a glass of water and a painkiller. She points out she does not have a headache, so he says: ok then let's have sex since you don't have a headache as usual.
As writen, he's up for a threesome. :}

Or, as written, the guy is a gal.

Damn, I'm getting a headache. :eek:

ShyTorque
4th Feb 2014, 20:49
Oh yes, all the above is true. Except the "not farting" bit. Mine must have a check valve fitted somewhere.

One thing I can't fathom is how she "multi-tasks" in her conversations. I should say diatribes, because I'm often not expected or allowed to speak until she runs out of breath, which can be a very long time.

The person referred to as only "she" or "he" can actually be one of two or three people because there is often more than one subject being talked about, or the channel changes with no warning. I'm often lost trying to follow who the first conversation could be about, because no name was mentioned, let alone the others brought in later.

Trouble is, somewhere in all this flow, is a golden nugget of highly important information. If I miss it, I haven't listened to a word she's said.

I was recently totally vindicated of not listening, though. I was accused of missing one of these golden nuggets which was about a birth in the extended family. I knew I hadn't been told the baby had arrived, she insisted that I'd not been listening! Production of a parking ticket, still stuck on the windscreen of my car, proving that I was three miles away at the time of the alleged listening infringement, was the necessary evidence in court. The conversation had been with my daughter, not me. :ugh:

ExSp33db1rd
4th Feb 2014, 21:21
The conversation had been with my daughter, not me.........but you were still wrong !

Which brings me back to the old Genie/bottle joke about the guy who wished for a road bridge between California and Hawaii, and the Genie berated him for asking for such an impossible task, and gave him another chance, OK, said the guy," then let me understand my wife", whereupon the Genie said - "about this highway, how many lanes ? "

Solid Rust Twotter
5th Feb 2014, 18:18
Or you'll be asked a question and reply accordingly, only to be asked 'What?!' ad nauseum until you loudly and carefully enunciate your reply in sheer frustration at her inability to understand a simple phrase.



She then tells you that you don't have to be nasty about it.

Romeo Delta
6th Feb 2014, 03:56
Guilty as charged... :E

I'll often say something to the ma'am while she's cooking dinner, or cleaning something cleanable, and yet I do it from my solid perch on the comfy couch. :p Makes for some interesting conversation afterward. (Something about getting my lazy butt up off the couch...)

acbus1
6th Feb 2014, 07:46
I don't know who suggested that women are good at multitasking, but they should be machine-gunned.

I'd volunteer to do it.







...one bullet at a time.